[seesaw]

A couple of months ago I received a job opportunity in a new town, and I needed a place to stay while I started work and saved up some to get a new place in a new town. A friend of mine who lived there opened up her house to me (for $500 monthly rent). I came to find out that her rent for the whole house is $1,000. So I was paying half the rent really but barely getting use of my own room.

I have PTSD and major depression. Going back to work has been a major struggle. So I admit, I probably did not help out as much as I could have with household chores. But I REALLY tried to help out, even did her dirty dishes, wiped down the counters all the time...but I guess in her mind if she didn't see it happen then I didn't do anything. Granted, I didn't wash my bed sheets very often, but they're my bed sheets, why should she care? I ended up buying new bed sheets because she wanted the one pair she had for the spare bedroom to be able to put on the sofa in case she had a friend crash with us. I was like okay, I'll just buy a pair.

So granted, I wasn't perfect, but neither was she. She has numerous cats and the litterbox, which was in the front room, always smelled like cat poop. It was disgusting. The house was either excruciatingly hot or freezing cold. I was never allowed to touch the thermostat. Plus, she had, from the beginning, a very cold, negative demeanor. It's like the second she had to actually have a roommate (and she said it would be helping her out to have a roommate for a while, financially) she turned into this blob of negative energy. And with my PTSD and depression, I just ended up hiding in my room like all the time. Furthermore, she was downright mean to my service dog like all the time. Always yelling at him for no reason. She would call her cats in this high-pitched voice and when my dog would respond, she'd get mad...but what's he supposed to do? Dogs don't know English, just that she's calling in a high-pitched voice.

So things came to a head when I cooked some fish in the house and it ended up smelling the house up and we just had to wait for it to air out. I went to throw the fish in the outside garbage can (cause I don't want it to stink the house up, of course), and she yelled at me for throwing it in the outside garbage can and told me that I had to double bag it and freeze it and wait until garbage day and then I could throw it away. Okay, now I don't know what crazy garbage rule this is, but I've never heard of freezing garbage. I've put spoiled food in outside garbage all the time and not had a problem. I do not believe I deserved to be yelled at for this.

So the next day, before she got home from work, I packed some bags and went to stay at a motel. I had already signed the paperwork for a new apartment so I was going to be moving out in a week anyways, but I couldn't bare to be in her OCD, controlling presence any longer. I didn't tell her I was leaving either, because she never told me where she was going ever when she left the house or stayed at her boyfriend's overnight.

So when I go back Saturday to get some of my stuff, she asks if we can talk, and I say no, because I'm upset and don't want to talk right then, but she ignores that, and demands her key back (well, I paid rent for the whole month so that pissed me off), and I said well, I still need to come by Wednesday to pick up the rest of my stuff. And she said that I could make an appointment with her to come by and get my stuff. So I was like fine whatever, you can have your key back.

And she starts in on me, "for the last three months I have done nothing but clean up after you..." which is not true..."you haven't done any chores..." ********, I've done plenty of chores, I brought up cleaning up after her, to which she says that every time I washed dishes that she had to redo them after me because they weren't clean enough. Which she never TOLD me, so how would I know that I wasn't doing a good enough job? Then after basically calling me a filthy slob she yells at me about the door hanging crooked off the hinge, which it was when I moved in. And I said, it was like that when I moved in, and you know it because you told me about it. And she's like no, it's a lot worse now, you should've mentioned it to me. Well I assumed that since she told me about it when I moved in that she already knew about it, duh!

Anyways, I have to go Wednesday to pick up the rest of my stuff. I wish I didn't have to go alone but so far I don't have anyone to go with me.

I'm not at all claiming to have been a perfect roommate. I should've made more of an effort, but I have a feeling no matter how much an effort I made, that it wouldn't have been enough because she's OCD bat ***** crazy. I don't even know why I'm friends with her in the first place because she just has this constant negative energy about her. It's like she hates everyone and everything except her stupid smelly cats.

One of her cats ran away after I had been living there a few weeks and I spent weeks helping her look for that damn cat, all around town, but do I get any credit for that? Nope.

Part of me doesn't want to lose a friend and find a way to patch this up, and part of me is like, I have to let it be for a while. I really haven't voiced at all my opinion to her yet about how she was not the perfect roommate she thinks she was, because I was too upset when she confronted me on Saturday. Part of me wants to write her an email and tell her I'm sorry that she was disappointed in me but that she wasn't as perfect as she thought she was either. I don't know. She has no empathy, it seems like, and only sees things from her perspective, clearly.

Would love advice on how to deal with this.

Seesaw

Get your things Wednesday, thank her for allowing you to rent from her for the time that you did but you were sorry things just did not work out. Then give her a hug and tell her to stay in touch you would still like to be friends... then walk out the door. The ball is in her park and you have freed yourself... blessings (((hugs)))

[seesaw]

Lol, she's not the hugging kind. Hahah.

[Bill3]

(((((seesaw)))))

Don't tee off on her.

However, have a plan just in case she is not around on Wednesday.

I agree with the other posters.

It didn't work out. Get your stuff, say thank you, and look forward to your future. Don't waste any of your time wondering what to do now.

When enough time has passed, you two can chalk it all up to experience and go have a nice lunch. Or not.

[seeker1950]

You are so right to move out, and the sooner the better. Let us know if you get your stuff okay on Wed.

[lilypup]

If this person hasn't shown she is NOT friend material. I'm not sure who would. Politely get your stuff, leave, and get out there and make new friends! Don't send any e-mails.

If she wants to see you again, she'll reach out. Honestly, I doubt she will. She doesn't sound good for your mental health.

[healingme4me]

I agree, get your stuff, thank her and move forward.

Not a nice friend to rip you apart aka tear you a new one. Not nice at all. No amount of being a doormat/swept floors/spotless counters would fix that. That's not a "i could have tried harder" scenario. A good friend would look past the minor details if there truly were any. It was good of you to help out the way you did.

[seesaw]

I appreciate all the positive feedback. I admit I'm not the best housekeeper, but she just made me feel like I'm a filthy slob, which I'm not, I'm just not an ocd neat freak like she is. I texted her this morning to confirm that coming over after work tomorrow is still okay and I have yet to get a response from her. You think she would just say yes or no...but now it's a passive aggressive power game. I'm going to have to text her tonight and tomorrow morning I'm sure before I get an answer.

I just wish I had someone to go with me tomorrow to keep a buffer and keep it light and friendly, you know?

Sigh. Thanks for all the great support, everyone. You made me feel a lot better. I think this is definitely a situation of she has her truth of the situation and I have mine, and they don't match up.

Seesaw

[Nammu]

I join the choirs of not descending to her level. Just reply to her aggressive talking in a neutral voice and tell yourself it's the last time you'll need to deal with it. Say thank you and leave the ball in her court. Some friendships do better when you live separately. Give it time and see what she does.

[seesaw]

Well, I picked up everything from her place yesterday. I managed to get everything in one trip. She was a real ***** about it. I texted her Tuesday morning to confirm that I could come by Wednesday after work and asked her to text me when she got home on Wednesday. Well, she never responded to that text. So then, Wednesday, I get home a bit late from work, and I get a text from her asking me to tell her when I'm going to pick my stuff up. And I respond that I've been waiting to hear from her if it's okay to come over. So she sends me a screenshot of her phone showing that she never got the message (well, that's bull because she could have deleted the message and then took the screenshot). So anyways I say I'll come over right now to pick up my stuff.

So as I'm finishing loading up my stuff she comes over to me and says "I washed the bed mattress pad for you, it had blood on it and it's soaking in shout right now." And I'm not sure what to say to this, because a) she didn't wash it for me, it's not mine and I'm not taking it with me, so she's washing it for her. And b) it wasn't really a question. And c) wtf do I know about blood on the mattress pad? I didn't bleed all over it, to my knowledge. So then she continues "And that right there is why "this" (and she gestured between her and me) didn't work." And she said it in this really *****y, snippy way, not like I'm sorry but this is why it didn't work but like I'm a total *****. Anyways so I finally responded "NAME, that's not the only reason this didn't work. I'm just as upset with you as you are with me. And I think I've got just as much right to be upset as you do. I told you Saturday I didn't want to talk about it because I'm too upset and I'm still too upset now. I don't want to discuss it." And she goes, "well this is the only time you're going to have to discuss it." And I responded "well, I'm too upset to do so right now, so I guess we won't." And then she continues "I'd like to know what I did." Very demandingly. And I responded "I told you, I don't want to discuss it right now." WTF?! How many times do I have to say that it's not something I feel capable of discussing at the moment?

Also, when I started bringing my stuff outside to load up my truck, she just started helping and bringing stuff out and throwing it in my truck. I had to stop her and say "please let me load the truck myself, there's a way this needs to be done."

She was just a huge ***** about everything. And well, I thought I was done, but it turns out, she texted me this morning, there was still some frozen food (a bag of vegetables and a frozen lunch) and a figurine (i don't know how the figurine even got to her house because I thought it was still in my apartment in the other city) and would I like to come pick them up. I don't give a damn about the food but the figurine was a gift from my mom. And I can't go pick them up until I get back in town Sunday because I have to work late tonight and tomorrow I get up very early to pick up the moving truck and get on my way to go get my stuff to move to my new place...so she's just going to have to wait until Sunday.

She really has been the roommate from hell. Regardless of my shortcomings as a roommate, she has been equally as bad in her behavior, her lack of communication, and her inconsiderateness. I say it like this because yesterday my pdoc told me that I was always excusing people for their bad behavior towards me like it was my fault. So I'm saying it now, regardless of whatever I did or didn't do, she's a ****** roommate.

Seesaw

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by seesaw

A couple of months ago I received a job opportunity in a new town, and I needed a place to stay while I started work and saved up some to get a new place in a new town. A friend of mine who lived there opened up her house to me (for $500 monthly rent). I came to find out that her rent for the whole house is $1,000. So I was paying half the rent really but barely getting use of my own room.

I have PTSD and major depression. Going back to work has been a major struggle. So I admit, I probably did not help out as much as I could have with household chores. But I REALLY tried to help out, even did her dirty dishes, wiped down the counters all the time...but I guess in her mind if she didn't see it happen then I didn't do anything. Granted, I didn't wash my bed sheets very often, but they're my bed sheets, why should she care? I ended up buying new bed sheets because she wanted the one pair she had for the spare bedroom to be able to put on the sofa in case she had a friend crash with us. I was like okay, I'll just buy a pair.

So granted, I wasn't perfect, but neither was she. She has numerous cats and the litterbox, which was in the front room, always smelled like cat poop. It was disgusting. The house was either excruciatingly hot or freezing cold. I was never allowed to touch the thermostat. Plus, she had, from the beginning, a very cold, negative demeanor. It's like the second she had to actually have a roommate (and she said it would be helping her out to have a roommate for a while, financially) she turned into this blob of negative energy. And with my PTSD and depression, I just ended up hiding in my room like all the time. Furthermore, she was downright mean to my service dog like all the time. Always yelling at him for no reason. She would call her cats in this high-pitched voice and when my dog would respond, she'd get mad...but what's he supposed to do? Dogs don't know English, just that she's calling in a high-pitched voice.

So things came to a head when I cooked some fish in the house and it ended up smelling the house up and we just had to wait for it to air out. I went to throw the fish in the outside garbage can (cause I don't want it to stink the house up, of course), and she yelled at me for throwing it in the outside garbage can and told me that I had to double bag it and freeze it and wait until garbage day and then I could throw it away. Okay, now I don't know what crazy garbage rule this is, but I've never heard of freezing garbage. I've put spoiled food in outside garbage all the time and not had a problem. I do not believe I deserved to be yelled at for this.

So the next day, before she got home from work, I packed some bags and went to stay at a motel. I had already signed the paperwork for a new apartment so I was going to be moving out in a week anyways, but I couldn't bare to be in her OCD, controlling presence any longer. I didn't tell her I was leaving either, because she never told me where she was going ever when she left the house or stayed at her boyfriend's overnight.

So when I go back Saturday to get some of my stuff, she asks if we can talk, and I say no, because I'm upset and don't want to talk right then, but she ignores that, and demands her key back (well, I paid rent for the whole month so that pissed me off), and I said well, I still need to come by Wednesday to pick up the rest of my stuff. And she said that I could make an appointment with her to come by and get my stuff. So I was like fine whatever, you can have your key back.

And she starts in on me, "for the last three months I have done nothing but clean up after you..." which is not true..."you haven't done any chores..." ********, I've done plenty of chores, I brought up cleaning up after her, to which she says that every time I washed dishes that she had to redo them after me because they weren't clean enough. Which she never TOLD me, so how would I know that I wasn't doing a good enough job? Then after basically calling me a filthy slob she yells at me about the door hanging crooked off the hinge, which it was when I moved in. And I said, it was like that when I moved in, and you know it because you told me about it. And she's like no, it's a lot worse now, you should've mentioned it to me. Well I assumed that since she told me about it when I moved in that she already knew about it, duh!

Anyways, I have to go Wednesday to pick up the rest of my stuff. I wish I didn't have to go alone but so far I don't have anyone to go with me.

I'm not at all claiming to have been a perfect roommate. I should've made more of an effort, but I have a feeling no matter how much an effort I made, that it wouldn't have been enough because she's OCD bat ***** crazy. I don't even know why I'm friends with her in the first place because she just has this constant negative energy about her. It's like she hates everyone and everything except her stupid smelly cats.

One of her cats ran away after I had been living there a few weeks and I spent weeks helping her look for that damn cat, all around town, but do I get any credit for that? Nope.

Part of me doesn't want to lose a friend and find a way to patch this up, and part of me is like, I have to let it be for a while. I really haven't voiced at all my opinion to her yet about how she was not the perfect roommate she thinks she was, because I was too upset when she confronted me on Saturday. Part of me wants to write her an email and tell her I'm sorry that she was disappointed in me but that she wasn't as perfect as she thought she was either. I don't know. She has no empathy, it seems like, and only sees things from her perspective, clearly.

Would love advice on how to deal with this.

Seesaw

Do what you have to, to have peace and contentment. First and foremost take care of your own well being. Sure I know you would rather not lose a friend but at the same time don't keep quiet in order to keep what could only be a tentative relationship that follows. What I mean is, if you're brushing this under the rug and let it be without even asserting yourself, the friendship if it continues will be based on this foundation and well you can see how that can't be a firm one to go forward with.

But I understand not wanting to offend or make things worse. Take your time, it doesn't have ot be right now but find the time to make this email or somehow communicate to her that, like you said, you're sorry, then from there take the time to explain to her (my take) that this was a situation that wasn't ideal. Even the best of friends may not get along in close quarters, in an intimate (not sex) situation such as this. Roommates are hard to live with in any case and sometimes the fact is it's even harder with established friends because of that fact. Put it to her that it's not personal, that you both have different methods of living and they clash, neither is necessarily right or wrong but they are like oil and water.

I don't know if I made sense but hopefully this helps. *hugs*

[healingme4me]

Wow ((((big hug))))

That figurine sent a chill up my spine in the sense of did she purposely hide it, to begin with? You know she'll want that discussion with you?? (manipulation)

It's interesting your pdoc says that you make excuses for others. I actually can relate to having done that in my own life. On that note, caution about who is pulling your strings.

I wouldn't give much attention about the silly mattress. And no, don't offer to buy another.

Try to make it quick. Less talk or defending yourself. It's a catch 22.

[Nammu]

Glad it's done with.

[hvert]

I'm glad you are out of there, too. That sounds so stressful.

Do you think someone else can retrieve it for you? I just have a bad feeling about "accidental" breakage....

I hope I am wrong.

You did the right thing by not creating any more drama.

[cakeladie]

I am glad you got your stuff out.

When we bought our first home shortly after we moved in my husbands older brother needed a place to stay so he stayed with us. He was the room mart from hell. He is my husband older brother and he is always right. I. The summer he would bring his daughter to stay with us to. He never offered any money for extra food or anything. And the kid left messes everywhere plus she played head games with our kids.

He had to live with us for z5 years before I had had it. There have been several times when we have had to tell him he is not welcome on our home. Now that I am on SSDI he believes I am a second class citizen. I pull my weight when it comes to Our finances.

It's been tough because he is family but he has called our kids names me names etc.

You did the right thing about getting out. If you still want a friendship wait, let everything calm down. It took 2 years for my brother in law to apologize to me. Right now we are back to no speaking.

My husband is a people pleaser so he try's to keep the peace

I hope you and your fur baby like your new place

Good luck

[seesaw]

Thanks for the support everyone. I do admit, I know I wasn't the perfect roommate, but neither was she, and the real problem is that she wants to act like she was. And I'm honestly just through with it. Part of me wants the figurine back. Part of me just wants to tell her to trash it because you're absolutely right, she wants to try and manipulate me into a discussion, and I'm not going to get into it with her. I don't want to say things while I'm upset, and she doesn't understand that it's going to take me a while to not be upset about things. I don't know when I'm going to go pick up this figurine, but I'll probably just text her and be like, I'm out running errands, can I stop by to pick up the figurine, thanks, bye....and make it as quick as possible.

I finally got all moved into my new place, and so far I'm loving it, although no internet or cable yet because I still have to get that set up. Soon enough though. At least I'm sleeping in my own bed and enjoying my own place right now.

Seesaw