Stood up to an abusive moment and trying not to 'take it back'

My Partner and I have been in counseling for a while now. We're getting better at communicating but we had another bad fight the other night.

I can see what I did that triggered the argument and triggered my partner, but it resulted in a a bad moment of name-calling, and direct, intentional verbal abuse that was way out of line and I'm not okay with it. I tried to stand up for myself in the moment and draw a line, but failed. I just kind of caved and waited for the storm to pass. I felt smashed. Yesterday I was depressed and hurt all day.

We talked about it last night. I owned up to my part (not listening to her concerns and acting annoyed) and she apologized for what she said, but just really wanted to make up and be affectionate.
I'm resentful because I feel like I'm always the one who has to deescalate the situation. I'm doing most of the talking, mirroring, and decoding of her feelings. I'm always the one who has to deconstruct what actually happened and what went wrong. My partner apologizes but then turns the focus back around her own hurt and I never really get to focus on my own anger at being abused. And it still feels like underneath it all, I'm being blamed for her behavior.

Today she was being cold to me, saying that the resolution —*wherein I did most of the work owning up to my own shit— 'didn't leave things feeling right' . So she's still feeling upset. She did harm to me, and she's drawing it out to continue being the "most" wounded party.

So I called her out in an email. I called out her abusive behavior and told her that I have my own hurt and needs to.

The issue is this: I'm re-reading the email and I'm feeling the strong need to go back and apologize for stating my case. This is my problem whenever I speak up and get angry for my own reasons, I want to cave in and fix it for her. I have the hardest time telling my own truth and our dynamic plays right into that.

All I can think is that this is going to make things worse and I should just play nice and stop fighting.

I know nothing about relationships that's worth sharing but what I can say is don't take it back. You are devaluing your emotions and, even if you went overboard in stating them (and I'm not saying you did) you still should be able to be honest about your emotions. Maybe you can make a game plan of how you will discuss the email with her, actually write it out so you make sure you get to say the things that you truly feel and be able to talk about it in a less emotional way and a more productive, constructive manner?

Good luck,
Seesaw

Stand where you are and do not waver. Thing is you are right in every way possible here. YOU have already owned up and while that is the right thing to do, when the other person doesn't do the same consistently, people like you (and me, based on my experiences) end up being the one to bring peace back to the situations. This for me ( you can relate, maybe) is about wanting peace. Wanting everyone to be happy with us, pleasing them, which are not bad traits but my problem is it is to the point of sacrificing myself in the end. IT is wanting them NOT to be mad at me at any cost. I give up my right to assert myself at times (or have in the past) in order to keep the peace, keep her happy or not get yelled at.

In mild form I believe that what others have done to me, over time has been a form of abuse. Is it to the level that I am beaten down and need to call it out as abuse and claim that I'm damaged for life? no, which is why I say a mild form of abuse. I do believe that the women I've been with take advantage of what some would believe is an easy going personality but really it's a self inflicted martyrdom. IT's not healthy for me. If I am reading your post right, chances are yours are the same motivations.

I will give you an upside to this. I hope you have a moment. My ex (we are separated sort of, as we were physically for 4+ yrs but she's living under my roof again now though we are not together per se) Well for the 4 yrs alone, I had a lot of growth happen, a lot of becoming independent, was a father alone to my kids etc. I learned to be on my own, to take care of myself and it changed me. Enough about that. In a nutshell how I treat her now is different. I am more bold, I say what I mean more, I don't apologize nearly as much when I don't think I need to. still not perfect but much better. Here's the good part.

I have found as much as she screamed and whined at first, threw tantrums and tried to turn things on me all the time at first, as I stood up for myself, she changed too. She gets moody at times and in the past somehow those moods would be turned on me and made out to be something I did. I notice her apologizing if I juts let her be. Although I make it clear I'm not happy with the way I'm being treated, I don't really make a big drama out of it and am able to walk away more. She typically will realize what she's doing and apologize not long after.

I want this to give you hope. It's not easy and it's not a quick change but I believe if you stand up for yourself, be consistent with doing so, she will back off and make adjustments for the better and you will both better meet in the middle than you do now. Be forewarned, the more you do this in the beginning, the more she will huff and puff at first and try to escalate and throw guilt at you and anything she can think of but endure. Endure and stand firm and it will change.

Also, keep in mind this is all in the name of standing up for what you feel, who you are and being true to yourself and to her. This is not about power over her or manipulating her. Please understand that you're avoiding manipulation, not trying to manipulate others. In the end you can only do what is right in your heart and essentially you cannot change or mold the other person. worst case she will not change and you'll have a new bridge to cross but even that has a silver lining as you will have been true to yourself

sorry for the long response, I just feel your situation like it was me and felt compelled to say something. hope it helps a little.

Thank you.

In rereading your own email is it the delivery/wording that you struggle with, as opposed to expressing your needs?

At any point do you use the expression, "You do this...."

"I feel this when that happens. I believe xyz might be a solution. What say you?" is one example of a few in ways to assert without coming accross accusatory. Not saying that you did. But asking since it left you feeling unsettled. No sense walking on eggshells to appease/enable, yet, there's means of communication that work.