[passionfruit3]

I honestly don't know anymore what will make me happy I have a boyfriend. Now just started. First relationship and I'm miserable this is the same with college I thought it would make me happy. And it didn't so I dtopped out I just hope the ending result of this doesn't land.me back in the hospital. I can't afford to go back cause my boyfriend does weed and has been in jail what for I don't know. And also having. To commit and feel pressure. To call and do things with him all the time. He's sweet as a puppy and makes me laugh I like him I'm not in love is that bad.also I'm not happy in general I've thoughts of starving and dehydrating myself cause I just feel miserable how can I be a girlfriend if I'm still juggling this bundle of suicide ideation with me

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[Artchic528]

I'm miserable too, so your not alone. At least you have a guy.....I don't even have that.

[passionfruit3]

It's my first relationship at 23 a lot of people have had way more.I never thought I'd ever have one and I thought when i Did it would make me happy And I'm just still depressed and I can't figure out why.I doubt I'll ever be happy now cause I don't know what's left traveling kids nah I'm done.

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[Artchic528]

I had my first relationship at 27, so you're not missing much. I know you're depressed but try feeling good about what you do have. I mean, I have nothing compared to you. I don't have college, nor a boyfriend, nor a family that really gives a damn about me. Hell, my mother won't even take me to therapy appointments any more.

[passionfruit3]

That's a little hard cause what I do have is not much.I'm a good poet but I've not been able to do anything with that talent in a bit and the people I do have in my life I love them but there apart of the reason I'm like this. I want to get better or die and so far there's no progress in either so I'm stuck battling for one or the other.I feel like I've had so many suicide. Attempts if suicide doesn't get me the damage I've done will.and I don't want to die really I just want to be happy. But I don't know how to be I'm lost.and I can't have nice things cause I'm my own undoing

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[Artchic528]

I wouldn't think of having college and a boyfriend as "not much". You just need to be positive about your way of thinking. That's the key to being happy. I know it's easier said than done though.

Oh, and if your seriously feeling unsafe, as in suicidal, and not just ideations thereof, then perhaps you might want to call one of those hotline numbers. They do help, believe it or not.

[passionfruit3]

I used to call the numbers I guess I'm just afraid of having cops come to my house for saying I have thoughts of starving and dehydrating myself or something like that to them and plus not much privacy in a two bed room apartment with six people. And I only went to college twice for two days the first time and a week the second. It's hardly an accomplishment

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[Artchic528]

Why are you so afraid of the cops coming? They are only trying to help save your life. You yourself said you want to live.

[passionfruit3]

I don't like to feel like a criminal like I stole something cops are for bad people I'm not bad.plus if they take me to the mental hospital then I'm not a very rational person in there it makes me worse I don't want to go back there

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[Artchic528]

Now now, cops aren't just for bad people. Cops are there to protect as well as to serve.

What's so bad about the hospital? You get the help you need there.

[passionfruit3]

You've clearly never been on the acute unite then we're they drug you up to your eye balls in zyprexa and you feel so darn sick but can't do anything. And they patients are constantly. Screaming day in and day out its. A nightmare I cried once and no one even came to comfort me.I tend to lose all common sense in there so they put me on that unit but I hate and you would. To.cops aren't bad people. I've dealt with its just the stigma

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