[oldlife_disrupted]

Hello,

Any insight would be greatly appreciated. Apologies if this is long to read.

My wife left a little over 2 years ago. She swore up and down it was just a separation for reasons similar to a nervous breakdown but then went off to live the life of a single woman and never looked back. I waited for 2 years (regretting it at the moment) and finally decided that it was time to end this with divorce.

At that point I had also begun seeing someone (long distance). It was nice, I could almost see myself having a long term future with her.

It was at this point my ex wife poops in and tells me everything I'd wanted to hear for the past 2 years. It caused a lot of stress, cost me the relationship with the new woman.

After some back and forth with the ex wife, some of it nasty, she seemed to have gotten the hint until this morning. Again, she sends texts telling me she wants to work on repairing the marriage.

I don't know how much of this is normal. Every time she approaches me, it fills me with anxiety. I can't concentrate on anything and that's why it ruined things with the new woman.

At the same time, even though I don't have romantic feelings for the ex, I can't help thinking of doing it. Even though I have tons of resentment against her, my kids would stop going back and forth.

I wonder if these scenarios ever end in a positive way. Can I even do this? I still mourn the loss of the new woman who really is a great person.

[hvert]

It's really hard to predict the future.

I know two couples who have gotten back together. Both had kids. One couple had been married and divorced. The other never married but had a lengthy court battle over custody/support. Both couples got back together for convenience/kids rather than romance. The first couple has been back together for a couple of years and seems to be doing well, a renewed romance. The second couple split up a second time due to an affair but is now back together again, not for the best, imo.

Why do you think your wife has approached you about reconciling now?

[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by oldlife_disrupted

...

At the same time, even though I don't have romantic feelings for the ex, I can't help thinking of doing it. Even though I have tons of resentment against her, my kids would stop going back and forth.



I wonder if these scenarios ever end in a positive way. Can I even do this? I still mourn the loss of the new woman who really is a great person.

Based on the bold parts of your post, I have to go with no, an all resounding no


Your motivation for reconciliation seems more out of loneliness, convenience and nostalgia.

Not any actual desire to BE WITH your ex wife.


Furthermore, you are certainly not over the great LD lady you speak of, which makes your ex a possible rebound as well. A rebound you already resent for wasting two years of your life. Spending time with someone you resent usually makes you resent them more, not less....


Its not that these scenarios never work, but BOTH parties have to WANT to be together BADLY, and even then, its an uphill battle trying to rebuild and regain trust.


I just don't see the point in putting in all that effort for someone you don't even want to be with.

[healingme4me]

Some hurts are just too big for repair. Eventually, the kids will become adults and live on their own. If this isn't a person that you can see yourself living the golden years with, then why temporarily subject yourself to such a relationship in the short term?

Some exes can be friendly after many years, but compatible for romance, not something for consideration.

What's your therapist's opinion on the situation?

[oldlife_disrupted]

Thanks all. I haven't discussed this with the therapist yet, this is all news at the moment.

You seem to be repeating the voice in my head at the moment. There's been a lot of hurt, there isn't much trust. I guess there'll be a lot to discuss at the next session.

[Bill3]

How much does your ex know about the woman your miss and mourn?

[divine1966]

I am friendly with my ex and always have been and he can be trusted as a parent and a friend etc but it does not mean we need to be getting together romantically. We were never really suited for a relationship. I don't recommend you stay together for the kids as kids would be better off with divorced parents rather than parents who resent each other. File for divorce. You are still married and it complicates things

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[eskielover]

I left my H 9 years ago & never looked back. Financial issues have created a problem affording a divorce but financial reasons are why I NEED a divorce not seeing or dating anyone & have no intentions of so that isn't an issue.

Your separated wife coming back after 2 years away sounds more like she is financially desperate & has found that the grass wasn't greener on the other side of the fence. Sounds more like being used than really loving you & really wanting the marriage to work out of REAL LOVE.

I would just file for the divorce & get it over with. Glad she is willing to communicate. Not sure how long that would last if she doesn't get what she wants....but doesn't sound like the kind of wife you really need