New Girlfriend - Reality Check Needed - Please Help

UPDATE - Oh, well, I got "discarded" and am at my 2 week point of "no contact." Ugh!

I learned a lot with this expereince. Mainly I saw myself in her. My own Narcissistic ways and how I've treated others in the past. It was one big reflection of myself!

It ended in a fantastic explosion. I got triggered in multiple ways. Went right back into my old stories and created a lot of pain and suffering along with her. Ugh! I could feel myself being pulled into the drama and jumped right in. It was crazy, I had awareness that I was acting unconsciously but couldn't stop myself. It was like a runaway train. It was so weird to watch my unconscious behavior in horror and not be able to stop it. My egoic mind took over. I felt helpless.

In short, we were in WA on a mini trip, it was something I planned for 4 months. We were at the peak of the trip, at a concert at the awe inspiring Gorge, an awesome outdoor concert venue. She basically flirted with some guy at the concert, right in front of my face. She was rubbing arms with him and dancing. She would look over at me with this blank stare, it was like she was another person. It was, by definition, insane and moreover cruel. It also was a huge trigger for me.

I left the area we were in and texted her that I couldn't believe what she was doing. Eventually she came out and tried to make out with me. I pushed her away. She denied everything and said I was "crazy." I stuck with my intuition and hell I saw it with my own eyes. Then she walked away from me and back to our tent.

1/2 an hour later I returned to our tent. AND THEN SHE CAME CLEAN. She admitted that she was in an "old story" and old behavior. That flirting with men made her feel powerful and in control. To me it was a huge breakthrough. But I needed consoling. She simply didn't get that and didn't have the capacity. I went into an old story of needing to be consoled. I could have transcended it on another day. But I just didn't have the energy.

After stewing all night under my perceived need of being consoled unfulfilled. We packed up and left. In short I yelled at her for the 12 hour ride home. It was a very low point in my life. I completely lost it. Of course the end result was that she broke up with me because, "no one has ever yelled at me like that."

As we broke up there were some glimpses of decency interspersed with utter cruelty.

I believe I am experiencing much of what many others feel in my position, used and abused. However, there were some real moments of clarity. This might sound crazy, but I think I was able to transmute some of my pain into love. Instead of avoiding the pain and stuffing it. I allowed it to come in and feel it. The pain was so great that it came up through me and released. It was this feeling of pain and utter joy, love. My perspective changed from pain and hate to love and compassion. The end result was, she knows not what she does. In all the pain I found compassion.

Admittedly, I still have bouts of anger and sadness. But I always come back to compassion. Personally I find this way easier than to create more pain within myself and others.

I can't say I am happy. But I feel somewhat peaceful. The end result. I continue to look inward for my answers.

ps. Yes you guys were right. Thank you for looking out for me. I was stuck in an old story. I wanted to save her. I looked for salvation through her. And went into the old belief of "soul mates." My bad.