New Girlfriend - Reality Check Needed - Please Help

The problem I see here is that, this is not so much being attached because of being "in love" or romantic love but that it's a dependency issue. you gain something from feeling like you're there to guide her to a better place, in life. Like a caretaker, that is the hook. Of course it is up to you to interpret what I am saying as accurate or not but you say you see her as you were, and want to help her to come to the place where you've grown. That, is mentorship not really the makings of a romantic relationship although I would guess it "could" work...

s4ndm4n2006 that is quite a good observation! Given my past co-dependency issues. I would say you hit the nail on the head! Truth be told she has referred to me as a "teacher." I have been here many times before. However I do not seek to dominate or control her. I really want a partnership.

She teaches me too, perhaps not intentionally. But as long as I look inside myself instead of blaming her for the way I feel. I grow.

With that said I feel really uncomfortable with the "teacher" tag and whenever she says it. I always counter with we are each other's teacher. In the past, my ego loved being called a teacher, and I would take advantage of that. I don't want to take advantage of anyone any more. I just want truth.

I know I can't save her (an old story). I know I can't change her (another old story). I simply want to be present. For me, it's just simply the best place to be, always.

I feel there has been some miraculous healing taking place for both of us. "and want to help her to come to the place where you've grown." Another on point observation. With that said, it's an expectation. I try to let go of those types of thoughts as I know it will only lead to disappointment. Only time will tell.

I came on here in an old story. Going to a forum to be validated. And to label my partner as a narcissist or bpd. It was purely my ego wanting to be validated. When I started reading up about it. I saw a lot of myself. That's when I realized all this *hit I was stirring up was more about myself than her. I looked inward and released my resistance and it was like a huge weight had been lifted. I grew.

Attachment, dependency, yes, no doubt, a huge concern. I just feel if I can stay present things will just "be."

edit: I think I am just trying not to judge her. It feels as though when i judge her. I judge myself. So instead of looking outside myself to be "right" and make her "wrong". I accept her just as she is. It seems to create a space for love and healing. At least that's how it feels. It's a lot more peaceful and I seem to grow if I am honest with myself.

edit: I think I have been saying to other people for like 30 years, "What you say about others is a reflection of yourself." Logically it always made sense. I think I finally get what this really means.

s4ndm4n2006 - Thank you so much for replying! Any other insight you could lend me would be much appreciated! Be well!

I am confused on your concept of judgement. If someone is mistreating or using you, I don't see how and why you would refer to acknowledging that fact as judgement.

By this logic the only way is to live is to be submissive and accepting bad treatment as anything other than that could be viewed as judgement. I am
not sure what you mean by what you say about others is a reflection of you.

Sure if you go around gossiping about random people it's bad but acknowledging the fact that someone is doing mean things isn't reflection of you whatsoever.

You have kids. Would you teach them that accepting bad treatment is a good thing because it's the right way to live?

Do you think you deserve bad treatment or you never observe truly nice relationship? You don't need to judge but where is the enjoyment in being treated badly?

It seems that you spend several posts defending bad behavior and pretty much saying it is the only way to live. I just really disagree with it. Have you not met nice women who would treat you well?

You mentioned peace but one can have peace in a good relationship. Do you believe you need to be treated badly in order to be peaceful and content ? Why?

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Great sex can be powerful for staying in a bad relationship, but come on, she is treating you like crap. Sounds like you are a very self aware guy and you would be a catch. I think you can do better and find someone who really appreciates you.

Seesaw

On the topic of judgment I feel compelled to say something that many times I believe throws people off. Judgment is something of a responsibility of ours as people in this world and the anti-judgment ideal while originating from good reason, is sometimes taken too far. What do I mean?

In the OP's case, let's look at that from the perspective I speak. I don't think I disagree with what Divine is saying but for clarity's sake here is how I view what I call the responsibility of judgment and how I view what some people with an aversion to judgment altogether are going wrong.

Judgment of a person's value, character and worth is wrong. Judging someone based on whether or not they are worthy of something from you or others is not what we should do. I should not look at a person and judge them as bad or good, this that or the other thing with regards to them as a person at all. But, we should and I feel are responsible for judging behaviors, how they act and what they do. Let me clarify in the OP's case.

What I think Zen is saying is that he doesn't want to judge her and in his heart I believe it really is about her character and not judging her as a person, there is nothing wrong in that but I feel that it is just carried too far when a person refuses to look at a behavior under the idea that ANY JUDGMENT would be "judging the person" which is entirely not true.

@Zen: what divine and I think others are saying is that when you are being treated badly you should not allow this and the only way you can be able to understand it is by separating her behaviors from her as a person. Whether or not she is a good person, a person of value, etc, we do, unfortunately, all have bad behaviors and act badly toward others at times. of course many, if not most of us here try not to but let's face it, we are all less than perfect creatures right? When I look at a person and judge what they are doing, it does not exclude me from thinking of the person as being valuable and in fact, in many ways it places more value on them if you're able to actually make a judgment call on their behavior and do something about it whether for yourself or for them. Because you cannot value a person where you opt out of doing anything to help them or be their friend, etc.

Getting back to the idea that you want to help her, the truth is by taking the position that any judgment of her actions is judging her, is enabling her rather than helping her. Sometimes being able to tell someone that they are wrong in what they are doing and how they are acting toward us is the most loving thing we can do because frankly, for me, if I am making stupid mistakes in any way and someone sees it, I'd rather they not just remain silent on it, in spite of the fact that it will sting at first, it's usually something that in the end helps me move forward.

If you want to help her stand up for yourself or the changes that she needs to make will not happen. Granted, we cannot change another person but there is (as trippin stated) no provocation to change if you do not make a stand for yourself. I won't make a judgment of whether she is right for you but I will agree with others in that she is treating you badly and the "opting out" of judging this behavior is again, enabling her to continue and stunting her growth in the area of relationships.

Please understand, I know where your heart is, and it's not a bad place but I hope this gives some clarity on judgment itself and helps you. I speak from a place where I have considered and gone through confusion about it for a long time before coming to this place of clarity for myself.

I am confused on your concept of judgement. If someone is mistreating or using you, I don't see how and why you would refer to acknowledging that fact as judgement.

I guess it comes down to perspective. I don't feel used or mistreated. I feel compassion. When she does something that could be perceived as "negative" instead of choosing to feel hurt. I see that she is hurt and acting out in some way. At that point, calling her out on it will only cause more dissonance. Instead, letting it go, helps me grow by looking inward and also creates a space where she may or may not use to grow in.

By this logic the only way is to live is to be submissive and accepting bad treatment as anything other than that could be viewed as judgement. I am
not sure what you mean by what you say about others is a reflection of you.

I guess it could be perceived as submissive. To me it's more about being present. When I slow down the chatter in my head (ego) and run the circuitry of my right brain and am in the moment, my perspective changes entirely. Everything just "is", no right or wrong, no good or bad, no judgement.

You know that feeling when you see an awesome sunset? Or maybe you're by the ocean? Usually it happens when i am in nature. Everything slows down, the chatter in your head stops and you just observe what "is" with no commentary (ego). You drop into "the moment", there is this beautiful stillness to it. It's a great feeling right? A feeling of oneness with everything. What if we could live our lives feeling that way most or all of the time?

Sure if you go around gossiping about random people it's bad but acknowledging the fact that someone is doing mean things isn't reflection of you whatsoever.

The mean things she "did" to me, no doubt could be an excuse to respond in some way. My usuals would be, anger, jealousy, rage, abandonment, withdrawl etc., all feelings of fear. I certainly do not like to feel these types of feelings. Simply put, they do not feel good to me. I'd rather feel joy, happiness, wholeness etc., feelings of love.

So instead of judging whoever it is and moreover, placing blame on them for MY feelings. I take responsibility of how I feel. In this particular case I was still in blame mode and was searching for answers so my ego could be satisfied that I was "right." In the process of doing research to prove to myself right. I wanted to label her a narcissist or bpd. When reading about npd and bpd I saw a lot of myself. But moreover I just saw someone who was suffering. Am I to meet their suffering and cause more? Instead I choose love. I have no desire to be a doormat. Nor do I desire to be a martyr. I simple want to be present. And when I am, I simply feel more peaceful. Hope that makes sense.

You have kids. Would you teach them that accepting bad treatment is a good thing because it's the right way to live?

I try to teach them acceptance, tolerance. And if someone is mean to them at school. I try to teach them to be compassionate about it. And to appreciate what they have.

Do you think you deserve bad treatment or you never observe truly nice relationship? You don't need to judge but where is the enjoyment in being treated badly?

Lol, no doubt, I don't like being treated badly! But again, it really depends on where my head is at. When i am calm and more in the moment than I am in my head. Life is pretty easy, nothing really bothers me. There is acceptance that everything just "is." It's when I am fully in my head that there is trouble and dissonance to spare. I feel we have a choice in which way we want to feel. I prefer to feel calm and be in the moment. it's just easier for me. Life is WAY less complex and better yet, it feels good. It's a conscious choice.

It seems that you spend several posts defending bad behavior and pretty much saying it is the only way to live. I just really disagree with it. Have you not met nice women who would treat you well?

I'm not sure if I am defending bad behavior. Maybe I am just tolerant of it? There have been times in this relationship where I was not. I pushed back and wanted to be right. It just caused me suffering and pain. Of course I want to be treated well and there are many times she does. At times she has been extraordinarily kind and thoughtful.

You mentioned peace but one can have peace in a good relationship. Do you believe you need to be treated badly in order to be peaceful and content ? Why?

I believe the only way to have peace is within. That no relationship could ever give me that. I guess since I have taken responsibility for my feelings and no longer hold her to "making me happy", things have smoothed out. Allowing things to just be as they are and not trying to resist, surrendering, seems to be working for me. I don't know. I just feel more peaceful inside.

So let me get this straight....


It's allllll about her. What she needs or feels or is going through and your needs and feelings are inconsequential?


On some level it is healthy to believe that others are not responsible for your feelings, but you're taking it at least one or two steps too far.


By your logic, I should not blame my bf if I feel angry and betrayed if I found out he cheated on me.

By your logic, I would have "no right" to express my negative feelings as he is not responsible for them... ???


Seriously, do you even listen to yourself? And I don't mean that in a sarcastic way, its a genuine question, but not one you have to answer here..

You got me! Indeed, sex is great with her. And no doubt I am aware of it's pull.
And I do wonder how much of that pull keeps me into the relationship and moreover how much it blinds me to the not so good parts of our exchange.

From the start it has been a mix of primal and what I would call spiritual sex. I guess maybe physical sex vs conscious sex. Getting lost in the moment vs being in the moment.

We tend to be in the moment more and more. And perhaps some of you may think I am crazy. But it feels like we are healing with this type of lovemaking. It's slow, intimate, caring, deep and is not about orgasm, it's about intimacy. I have never felt anything close. There are times when I don't even feel my body. It's like we share the same energy and ARE the same energy. In short, it blows my mind! But not in the usual "mind blowing sex" way. It's more like a spiritual awakening. A new perspective on my sexuality.

So yes, sex is a big draw and a concern. However, like I said, it's like we heal through sex. Lol, I know I am going to get called out on this one!

"but I feel that it is just carried too far when a person refuses to look at a behavior under the idea that ANY JUDGMENT would be "judging the person" which is entirely not true."

I am not devoid of judgement. Of course I still judge, if my left brain is engaged, I am judging. For instance, when I am present and can see she is being naughty and trying to make me jealous. "Trying to make me jealous" is a judgement. I guess it's just not choosing to act on it in a way that will cause more dissonance and resistance. Instead i let go of it, surrender to it and let me tell you. I feel free!!! It's like I am transcending my fears by choosing compassion, understanding and love. Does that make sense?

"what divine and I think others are saying is that when you are being treated badly you should not allow this and the only way you can be able to understand it is by separating her behaviors from her as a person."

Agree. I feel I have a decent understanding of it. Maybe I am lost in the fog? She suffers and then acts "badly." It's my choice to suffer along with her and engage in the usual battle that would ensue. I agree, with a more emotionally mature person there might be a way to process this verbally and therefore heal. But this is not the case. She can't hear criticism.

I think what I am experiencing is acceptance. I accept her for the way she is. Will I continue to just be ok with her "bad behavior?" I don't know? But for now, in this moment. I feel very good about us. I feel like we are transcending old stories and healing. And sure, there is some pain involved. I personally think we could grow without pain. But we are not there yet and may never be. The future is uncertain. I accept this.

"If you want to help her stand up for yourself or the changes that she needs to make will not happen. Granted, we cannot change another person but there is (as trippin stated) no provocation to change if you do not make a stand for yourself. I won't make a judgment of whether she is right for you but I will agree with others in that she is treating you badly and the "opting out" of judging this behavior is again, enabling her to continue and stunting her growth in the area of relationships."

I did stand up for myself. I walked out on her, abandoned her. I am embarrassed about my behavior. And moreover the not so great part of me came out. And let's face it. It was ugly and all based in fear. But indeed, it got her attention. I not sure if talking about it would have worked. So yes, at this point and unhealthy way to communicate dissatisfaction. No doubt, communication is a big challenge.

Enabling, point taken. But again, I feel I approach this in a different way than the usual way. But this is not that. Little miracles have already occurred. It amazes me, how I have grown from all this, just by taking a different perspective.

Thank you so much for taking the time to write. It really means a lot to me. I appreciate your perspective, you've brought many things to light.

it seems ode that your point in your title is "reality check needed" but to be honest you have a defense and an argument for every piece of advice in here and you defend your actions as if you're already on the right track.

You came here because something concerned you, I am sure but if you continue to justify the way you handle things that really seem to be issues here it makes me wonder what your purpose for asking in the first place was.

If it's all good and you're handling things fine, what are we giving you advice for?

I guess I sort of transformed during the whole process. When I came on here I was hurt, living an old story. I was lost.

You are exactly right! I came on here to feel right. I also did some research on npd and bpd. That's when the transformation took place. I basically have some of the traits of npd and who knows, maybe bpd. So the experience was like. "Aha! Yes, she is so grandiose" and she is so this and so that. But if am to be honest with myself, I have those traits too. I would like to think as not as much as I used to. So when I am reading the words I want to damn her with. I realize I am the same. So how could I possibly hold something against someone when I have (or had) the same traits? Know what I mean?

So during the course of this post. I guess I just found more love in my heart.
By no means am I saying this is a healthy relationship or that it will last forever.

I guess what I am trying to say is that somewhere along the line I found a deeper understanding and out of that grew compassion. For now, I still feel like I am growing in the relationship so there is currently no reason to stop.

But indeed you are right. I came on here complaining and looking for answers. Now I am defending the person I was complaining about. I don't feel like that I defend her actions. Simply put, I don't like some of her behavior. But for now, I feel I understand it and it brings out compassion in me. Whether this will have a lasting effect and that I can be present is yet to be seen.

Possibly it points to some other concerns about my behavior. Like everyone else, I am still learning.

Please understand that I totally appreciate your feedback. It's totally helped me gain some clarity over the issue. Only time will tell. There are no guarantees.

I am also kind of confused on what are you posting about. If you love how things are then what's the concern? And if you enjoy being submissive it's all right too, I am just not sure what's all this about.

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I hear you. I changed course mid way through this thread. My apologies.

Who knows I might be submissive? I've been dominate in the past. But no doubt I am changing.

I'm not saying I will be with this person for long. I hope to. But I am not attached to the idea.

I guess I wanted a reality check... and I got one. I'm not going crazy AND it seems everyone here agrees, it not a healthy relationship when measured by standard means. So I am in agreement with everyone on here. On the surface it seems as though I am not being treated well.

it's hard to explain, i had some epiphanies about all this in the last week.

Fear or love, is a choice. I came here in a state of fear. Fear of being used, fear of being taken for granted, fear that I am not loved. It was ripping me apart. I have been in a somewhat peaceful mode for about 3 years now. Zero drama. This woman comes into my life and I start loosing my peace. All sorts of triggers start happening and off like a race horse I went! I went right back into old stories that I thought I left behind me. And some new old stories came up too. In short I got triggered. So from the outside, it is obvious. Since this woman came into my life things have been much more rocky on all levels.

I clung onto the fact that i was ok before i met her. So it MUST be her fault right?

So I started to look for answers to pin the blame on her. In that process there were times I felt like I was reading about myself. I didn't want to brush over that part. Once I realized that I have similar challenges, compassion took over.

I don't think I am right or the folks on here are wrong. It just "is." And for now, I feel good about this. And I agree, when I came on here I didn't feel good.

All I did was to choose love over my fear. And the most amazing thing happened. I didn't care anymore. Acceptance for what is released me from all the drama. And this peacefulness came over me.

Bottom line: I am still learning and growing in this relationship. Only time will tell.

I really want to thank you for taking the time to write me. It's helped me a lot. I truly appreciate your input.

There are times when I can be insecure and need validation. But I long ago--probably in my teens or early tweinties--abandoned the tactic of gaining validation by making a man jealous. Now, I just ask for validation. Sometimes that can still be seen as immature, but it's a lot more mature and self-aware than what you're describing in her.

I wouldn't put up with her tactics. And I agree with what has been said by other posters. Just because the sex is good, doesn't mean the relationship is. You can actually find good sex pretty easily without an emotional attachment...not that I'm advising it, by any means.

Thank you so much for sharing. I agree with what everyone says here. But something happened; I guess I just realized how insane/sick it all was. Saying things to make me jealous etc. I guess I just can't meet her sickness with abandonment, only compassion. It's hard for her to take criticism. So talking about it, working it out, isn't an option at the present moment. Are those the only ways to deal with it?

She does indeed have some self awareness. I recently learned that she has NEVER had any therapy. This really amazes me. There is something about her resilience and that she does not play the victim, that I just simply admire. I've been through some stuff myself, like we all have.

This has been somewhat of a remarkable journey for me. For whatever reason I just don't judge her. If I did, it would have ended badly long ago. It seems as though the more I just simply accept and allow, more doors open up and growth occurs.

Case and point. 8 months after her daughter was born, she went back to work. She always thought she wanted to be a mother. But as soon as she did have a child, she couldn't handle it. She NEVER changed a diaper, her mom and ex did. After she divorced, her mother ended up taking care of her daughter. Just like how her grandmother took care of her. History repeating itself, the cycle continues.

She was an attorney back home. She just took a daycare job. All her friends scoffed, joked and made fun of her about how absurd it was. Her? Taking care of babies? No way!

It surprised me too. Especially after she told me her story of how she handled her daughter. It all didn't make a whole lot of sense. Why would she take a job that so obviously wasn't a good fit?

Her first day, a child is covered in poop. She was so nervous about her first day that she just jumped into action, changed the diaper and cleaned up the child. After it was all done, she was amazed at herself. She couldn't believe she did it. Now she changes diapers all the time.

She also in the past refused to hold her friends kids that were very young and couldn't hold up their heads. She was fearful that she would do something wrong. Once again in the heat of the moment she had to hold 2 month old and once again transcended her fear and has now bonded with the 2 month old.

I love to eye gaze. When i first met her, she could barely look me in the eyes for more than 2 seconds, her eyes always darted away and we never were able to drop in the moment with each other. As time progressed and some trust was formed she would look at me longer and longer. She thanked me for this and said she never has looked anyone in the eyes. In the past she would stare off into the distance while people were talking to her, concentrating on their every word. She would get criticized by her colleagues for not paying attention, like she was somewhere else when they were talking to her. I think it was just a coping mechanism, looking away.

She told me this weekend of how she looks these babies in the eyes. And how they stare back at her. She says she can see the pureness of their souls and that there is this unsaid understanding between them. When she says stuff like this, it touches me. It is like she is healing herself.

When I first met her, she was very demanding. Strongly suggesting that I pull out her chair, open car doors, restaurant doors, help her put on her jacket etc. Things a "gentleman" would do. While I do come from this type of background. I resented being forced to do so. In other words she likes to control.

Initially she used the same tactics with the children. Do this, do that, please be quiet etc. It works for a while but then the children rebel against being forced or controlled and soon go back to the undesired behavior. So she said she tried to be more loving, present and to speak from her heart and the kids responded in kind. And she said it had a lasting effect and moreover each day she gains trust from the little ones. She no longer pushes me to open doors etc from me. Sometimes I do it sometimes I don't. I feel we have transcended this situation entirely, more healing.

There is 1 special needs child. Slow in development, heart problems etc. She says she see herself in this one and gives him extra love and care. To me she is this beautiful person who is transcending her old stories. It's like happening right in front of me!

I don't know whether she will get "well" or "cure" herself. However, I've learned this great lesson. I think by allowing her to be herself with no judgement from me. Has given space for both of us to grow. Furthermore, she has allowed me to grow as well. She does not judge my undesirable behavior. So instead of being in a defensive mode, defending my actions and moreover not blaming her for MY behavior. Has allowed me to grow as well.

Surrender is not being a push over or a door mat. By this I mean simply allowing what "is" and not judging it. Staying present allows what is and when something that would normally cause dissonance in me happens I make myself transparent and it just passes through me instead of taking over my egoic mind and engaging in a fight that would yield no results or perhaps just cause more pain and suffering.

The big lesson for me here is that we have a choice. Do I choose to take a stance? Defend my egoic position and fight for what is right for me? OR do I just allow, accept, let things go and surrender? The latter is much more peaceful for me and has proven to be much more productive. Little miracles are happening all the time. I simply have to stay present and then I notice.

Did that make any sense?

I'm sorry for not answering sooner. I have struggled with your questions. I guess I might appear to be acting like a door mat.

Needs? What are needs? Things we require others fulfill in order to make us happy? Do we really want to give someone that power? And moreover do we want to run the risk to count on them to make us happy? So we are in somewhat of agreement here.

Ok, the extreme example, let's put it to the test.

"By your logic, I should not blame my bf if I feel angry and betrayed if I found out he cheated on me."

Sure you have every right to feel angry and betrayed in this example. But does it serve you? Does it make the pain go away? Feeling anger and betrayal will not feel good. Agree? To me this is an old story. Something we are all very familiar with. Furthermore society tells us we should feel angry and betrayed in this situation. But are there other choices? Ones that would not make us feel so bad?

I know this might sound a bit off. But what if you just forgave him? What if you showed him compassion and understanding? This sometimes happens anyway, even after a heated argument and lots of not so nice things said. Why not skip all that *rap and just go directly to healing? Basically when you fight you are defending a mental position, cheating is bad, he did wrong etc.

Why not take away the blame game, right or wrong, good or bad etc? Why not choose not to be hurt? I know that may sound impossible, but it is a choice.

By your logic, I would have "no right" to express my negative feelings as he is not responsible for them... ???

You have every right to have negative feelings. But does it really serve you? By letting go of it, allowing it to just "be" you might feel some peace. Granted you probably won't be happy. But does getting upset really help you? Does getting upset resolve anything? I feel it just makes you feel upset and moreover your boyfriend. Maybe he will feel guilty? But does that really resolve anything?

Why not skip over that part? And just accept that he did something? It's all in the past, there is nothing you can do about it. The question is what will you do? Or not? Maybe he is not the right guy for you? Or maybe he simply made a mistake. How you react or not, is always a choice.

Forget about him for a sec. It's all about you and the choices you make. And on a purely selfish level, do you want to feel bad about it? If not, then choose not to. Just because society says you should feel a certain way, doesn't mean you have to.

I think this is were transcendence occurs. When you dare to choose a different approach. We all know the yelling game, blame game and the result of such. "Honey, I promise not to do it again." And surprise it happens again.

What's that saying, "insanity is doing the same thing over and over and hoping for a different result." Or something like that. Why not transcend your fear with love? At the very least, it will be more peaceful and you will not experience the self induced pain. Yes he did something that was not nice. But it is your choice to feel angry and betrayed. Yes, you have the right to feel that way. But is the feelings of anger and betrayal what you really want?

Did that make any sense?

Nope.


In all honesty it sounds like a load of hippie new age bullshyt.


But thank you for taking the time to respond..

Each to his/her own.

You justify her bad behavior and make her sound as a hero over mundane stuff like changing diapers. Everyone does it. Grown woman changed a diaper. Ok. So what she immigrated and finally had to change diapers. I immigrated too. It's not that unusual. People work all kind of jobs. She looks in babies eyes. Yeah ok

I am kind of with tipping on this whole thing. Frankly if things were as awesome with this woman, as you described, you wouldn't be posting three pages about her. What do you want people to respond to this?

This is the most confusing thread ever. You want us to encourage staying with this woman or what?

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With all due respect, if her behavior is so acceptable, then by all means, accept it.


I merely suggest you stop trying to justify it, because acceptable behavior needs no justification as its acceptable.


I however am human and will feel the full range of my emotions, react accordingly AND THEN move on toward forgiveness..


That's the natural order of things, it's the human condition, we don't just get to skip the bad parts, its not realistic.

If it were,this thread would never have been posted and people across the world wouldn't need therapists to help them process bottled up emotions before or after they explode.


Use me as an example...


If I never got really really mad and really really sad that my ex beat me to a pulp, I would never have harnessed that negative energy and used it for leaving him.


I would've justified and forgiven,rinse, wash, repeat cycle, till I had no more bones to bruise and break.


So, negative emotions do have a place and a use, or we would not feel them at all.


But, you're clearly happy with this lady whom you praise (for no reason at all, come on BE realistic) so there's no logical need for this thread, because you've received the reality check you requested and gracefully rejected it.


As you've said, to each their own.


Take care of yourself, seriously

First let me say I apologize if I have wasted anyone's time. It was not my intent.

I was in a bad way, in my head, confused. I came here for answers and guidance. During that time a transformation took place within me. I found my answer from within.

So yes, I changed course. I am sorry for the confusion.

I just found love in my heart, compassion. At this moment I simply choose to try to understand her and give her space to grow. Furthermore, it is obvious to me that I have more work to do on myself. So inward I go.

Trippin, thank you for reaching out and sharing some of your story in order to help me. I really appreciate your help and moreover I feel like you are looking out for my back. It's a nice feeling, thank you.

"If I never got really really mad and really really sad that my ex beat me to a pulp, I would never have harnessed that negative energy and used it for leaving him."

Agree. My situation hasn't reached that point for me. Hopefully it won't. I simply don't know. Agree, negative feelings have a place and can be used for change.

"I would've justified and forgiven,rinse, wash, repeat cycle, till I had no more bones to bruise and break."

Agree. But I think there are other ways to break a cycle. You mention physical abuse here. I am not sure if this would apply.

Case and point - She would say things to me to get me jealous. At first I took the bait, hook, line and sinker. I would get all pissy and jealous. I don't like feeling that way. So I chose to be present, to stay calm and clear (purely for my own self preservation). The next time she did it. I stayed present and it was obvious, almost laughable. Inside I chuckled to myself, "here we go again." But instead of engaging in conversation that would make me feel bad. I just let it go right through me as if I were transparent. I gave her words no traction. Then something amazing happened! I felt compassion for her. She was suffering and in a very dysfunctional way was looking to be validated. I did not react or reply to her words. I just sat with them.

An hour later it happened again. No response from me.

Then it happened once again that day. Again, nothing.

2 weeks have gone by and it has never come up again. This weekend, she simply asked me. "Do you love me?" To me, that is progress. Did we break the cycle? I have no idea. But I sure feel like we have moved to a new level.

"So, negative emotions do have a place and a use, or we would not feel them at all."

Agree, without them there would be no positive feelings. Furthermore negative feelings tells us something is out of whack. But it is how we act on them that can make a difference. In the above case, I did nothing. As much as I wanted to validate her I rejected the method in which she has come accustomed to. If I did it would just perpetuate the cycle. She tried a couple more times and gave up. And I believe "Do you love me?" is a huge step in the right direction.

"But, you're clearly happy with this lady whom you praise (for no reason at all, come on BE realistic) so there's no logical need for this thread, because you've received the reality check you requested and gracefully rejected it."

"For no reason at all." Divine has made a similar comment. "make her sound as a hero over mundane stuff like changing diapers. Everyone does it. Grown woman changed a diaper. Ok. So what she immigrated and finally had to change diapers. I immigrated too. It's not that unusual. People work all kind of jobs. She looks in babies eyes. Yeah ok"

Ok, I accept your perspectives. But how do you know this to be true?

As I said above, I had a self transformation during this thread. I looked outside of me by coming to this thread. I was really lost. Then I gained my composure and found the answer inside.

I am truly sorry if I wasted your time. Regardless, I appreciate you reaching out. You feel like a big sister to me, it's a nice feeling. Thank you.

I am trying to look out for you, I can be very abrasive at times, so I'm extra glad that you're able to recognize that and not misconstrue my reason for posting.


Like I said, if you find her behavior acceptable, then that's ok, but remain realistic, keep a healthy perspective. Not a pie in the sky one.


She's not some ethereal superwoman with a special power over diapers.


She consistently reels you in and then promptly spits you out.


Make no mistake that this is emotional / psychological abuse.


At least when I was abused it was obvious, the blows were physical, the ones you're receiving are metaphysical and either you just can't see it, or won't.


But that's your path to walk, not mine, I've done my best to shine some light on your path. My hands are tied if you keep switching it off again.


I was very unwell when my bf and I got together.. I was a hot mess actually. A murdered brother, a dead father, a MI dx or two and an abusive stalker ex....


So at times I behaved very badly, especially toward him.


But guess what?


My plate of shyt didn't justify me treating him like dirt, and I didn't even do it on purpose. It was a host of maladaptive thinking and coping mechanisms all playing out in some chaotic symphony.


If I didn't get help and work on myself,, I wouldn't have a relationship right now. Because my bf deserves better than to pay for my painful past.


I guess all I'm trying to say is, call a spade a spade, and in that very same breath, value yourself.


That way its very hard to go wrong and get caught up and distracted by pretty adjectives.

You know what is so cool Trippin'? I think we healed a little here. Indeed, whenever I would read your posts. I felt a little pushed, like you were calling me out. To be honest, it made me a little fearful. No doubt there was a part of me that wanted to lash out. But instead I sat with your questions and comments. And then it became clear to me, you were speaking from your heart. You were really putting yourself out there in order to help me come to a higher understanding. That touches me deeply and means a lot to me, thank you!

Once I slowed the f-down and got out of my ego, it was crystal clear. You were committing a loving act of kindness that came from a good place. And voila'! I felt love instead of fear! Your love and concern has really made a difference in me! The kindness of a stranger is indeed alive and well! Simply put, I feel loved. You are really a very cool person in my book! I totally appreciate your raw honesty and moreover your willingness to be vulnerable in order to help me. It says a lot about your core. You are truly an awesome and amazing person! Thank you, thank you, thank you! From the heart... with love!

You're welcome