My life is lonely and sad

This is my first post ever. I am here today because I feel very frustrated. I don't know if I just need suggestions or just to vent. Some aspects of my life in general are a bit sad. Ever since I can remember, my parents would complain about me. I am an introvert and have always struggled to focus. I started visiting therapists since I was 3 years old. Nobody ever found what was "wrong with me". I also had problems with one of my legs and used some uncomfortable wires around my legs for a couple of years. I have always felt lonely and like an outcast. I have been bullied most of my life. My older brother was abusive with me, mentally and physically. My mother was always saying how disappointed she was about me and my father always took advantage of every chance he had to put me down.
To make matters worse, I've always been unattractive. I still keep in mind those teenage dances I would go to, in which I'd just sit down all night watching the rest of the couples dancing. I dreamed that one day, my life would be like a Disney movie and I would turn from an ugly duckling to a beautiful swan. This never happened of course.
As I grew up, my face features started becoming stronger. I ended up being quite tall, with a large strong jaw, large hands, and manly features in general. I have been asked if I am a transsexual several times.
I have very few friends because of my insecurities. Even though I try to be friendly, very few people seem to want to keep close to me. I must say I am thankful for the real friends I have, but most of the time I feel lonely.
I live on my own which kills me sometimes. I hate getting back home every evening and not having anyone to share my life with. I will be 31 soon and most people my age have a significant other. Men are rarely attracted to me.
Lately, it seems as if the only way I can get a date is by using online dating cites. Quite frankly, it is not my thing. Those sites are full of men with hidden agendas, unstable in one way or another or just want sex or want me to send them nude pics of me. Lately it seems as if very few men want to commit. If they do, they go for the hottest girl they can get and feel proud of.
I think I will die alone and I cry almost every day because of this. I've always felt sad throughout my life but in the past year and a half it has been getting worse. I just don't enjoy my life anymore and I hate being myself. I even developed a drinking problem due to my loneliness and constant rejections.
The last time I really liked someone was a disaster, as it always is. He was still in love with his ex and would always say how wonderful, beautiful and great she is and that she is better than me (yes, with those exact words). He told me I'm not the girl for him because he wants to be with a very beautiful thin woman. He broke my heart and destroyed the few self esteem I had left.
Since then, I haven't been the same. I grew up believing in God but even in that aspect, I feel disappointed and lost my faith. I feel that if he does exist, he doesn't love me because he has permitted people to treat me so badly all of my life. The guys I like, never like me and the ones that like me, I don't like no matter how much I try to get to know them and give them a chance. Sometimes I feel I will never experience love, at least not one in which I am loved back. I also think I am getting too old and in this world full of beautiful younger women, who would ever want to be with me? I've had suicidal thoughts and I think my life doesn't make any sense at all. All I do is be lonely, be rejected and insulted. How do other women manage to go from one relationship to another? How do other women get guys to flirt with them and notice them? How do other women get men to love them? I have been thinking that if I don't find someone by the time I'm 35, I will definitely kill myself because I don't want to end up alone. I've done everything I can and still, my situation doesn't change. I can only count on a miracle. My situation is so bad that when I go out, men say and do rude and hurtful things to me, things I don't deserve. I feel very helpless because there is nothing I can do, but just deal with it and be forced to live a lonely life I hate. Not even makeup and makeovers help. I can spend hours getting "pretty" to go out and I just end up sitting on my own all night while my friends dance and get guys to flirt with them and buy them drinks. Is it worth living like this?

Hello Imph8885: I'm so sorry you are hurting so badly. I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral... from the Skeezyks. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here on PC. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more connected to the community you will become. I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

Being attractive or unattractive says nothing about how likely you are to be single or not.
It only says something about how much a shot you have with someone.

Unattractive people, physical or mental, hook up with each other and are happy or unhappy together.

People are single because they take no action, push people away, or want someone way out of their league.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I can say there was a time where I felt and thought a lot of the things you are thinking right now.

My parents were verbally and physically abusive to me growing up, and they're still verbally and emotionally abusive to this day. We are almost the same age and if there's one thing I'm confident about, it's the fact a lot of people don't want to change because they have to. It's better to move on from those people or set clear boundaries. Or cut them off. My siblings were abusive to me sometimes. There were times where I thought my entire family was out to get me, and the entire world for that matter.

There is nothing "wrong" with you. You're different and so are a lot of people. I'll never understand why people think being an introvert is weird or having a child who doesn't exactly mesh with you is a problem. Your parents didn't seem understanding at all.

Have you gone to therapy on your own? This time going to therapy will be YOUR decision, based on YOUR goals and what's best for you. Not for your parents or anyone else. You are not so unworthy that you should think about ending your life at age 35. Some people's lives don't start to fall into place until they're that age. No one's life should have to match a storybook, and their life shouldn't have to look like someone else's in order to be a decent life.

Thank you for the responses.
I think that in general, due to some circumstances of rejection and loneliness that I've experienced throughout of my life, I have developed several insecurities that don't let me socialize like most people would, or at least that is the way I feel. In general, communication is hard for me.
I've had my ups and downs all of my life. Yes, I have been to therapy, meds, support groups, etc. Some of these have served as a temporal solution, but not something permanent. Unless I need to go to therapy forever, which I don't find practical or affordable.
I really don't know if there is an alternative solution...??
I have been lonely all of my life, bullied, rejected. I am an adult now, and I can say that bullying and rejection still prevails in this stage of my life. It is more subtle than when you are a teenager or a child, but it still happens. For example, once I was invited to a night out with some colleagues, they ended up leaving me alone in a night club. Nobody apologised (except for one person). Other times, I just try to meet new people, invite them for coffee to talk to them and try to get to know them more so that we can become friends. Then, after that, I hear nothing back from them again. Since I am the one that takes the first step to invite them, I don't want to be insistent and always be the one that had to look for them, which I don't find fair. Even though, I do it sometimes. There are some people that after a coffee, they see me and act as if they don't even know me. I don't really understand this. I am not rude with them or anything. The only thing I figure is that it might be because I am quite shy and quiet. I do try to overcome this and make conversation but it is quite evident that I am an introvert. I don't think, though, that being an introvert gives other people the right to be rude or to just ignore you. There are very few people that are interested in knowing me and keeping in contact. Sometimes I think that I don't really fit in with most of the people. I think most people just go with the flow and always try to stick to outgoing attractive people that take the lead. Sometimes I think that if you are not outgoing, attractive, or have any other "desirable" feature (according to society's standards) people just don't want to be near you.
I have always felt inferior in a way. Not really because I believe that I am, but because most people don't show any interest in being with me. It is as if I know my worth but people don't think I am worth something. I've been told that knowing my own worth is enough. Yet, it is not that I am very concerned about what other people think about me, but being rejected and forced to live a lonely life just for being who I am hurts. It is the forced isolation that hurts me, more than anything.
I do have friends, I am not 100% lonely. I do appreciate them, but sometimes when I feel that I need company they are not available. That is because, of course they have a life of their own (other friends, boyfriends/husbands, children). I totally understand this, but realizing that I don't really have much of a life of my own hurts (except for my professional life). I have thought several times of meeting new people, but then again that means going again through the same rejection processes I go through most of the time. It is as if 90% of the people don't want to be my friends.Sometimes, I feel so hurt and tired that I just decide I am better off alone, even if it hurts.
My romantic life has never been satisfying either. I've had boyfriends yes, but never someone who I love. I never said that I've never had a relationship or that being ugly means that you'll never have one. In my opinion, love is more than appearances. Yet, for most people apparently this is not the case. I am not shallow and have dated tall men, short men, thin men, fat men, etc etc, all sorts. So, I don't think I have high standards. Yet (and I am sorry if I sound like a feminazi), it seems that most men are more shallow than most women. So, most men find me unattractive and won't even want to talk to me. I really haven't had a non conventional date (not anyone I met online) in years! It is as if after 30, your chances of meeting someone decreases dramatically. Since I've been hurt, rejected, dumped, mocked, overlooked, stood up, etc so many times, lately I don't feel like a woman anymore. What I am trying to say, is that it has been a very long time since the last time I felt desired at least a bit by a man. I've had unmeaningful sex, but stopped that because it only makes me feel empty. So, lately, I just feel like a being with no sexual identity. I know it sounds weird, but I do. When I look at myself at the mirror, I don't see a woman a man would love and need. I do believe that for other women, but not for me. So slowly, my libido and heart have been dying slowly and my illusions dissipating into thin air. I don't like this feeling. There is something very deep inside of me that doesn't want for that part of me to die. Yet, nothing in my life gives me a reason to keep that alive. Every day, my love life seems to worsen and the bad experiences keep getting worse and worse no matter what I do.
Many times I have felt in pain, but for the first time in my life the phrase "dying inside" makes total sense to me, because that is exactly how I feel. This obviously really concerns me. Help!

Men rate woman on a perfect bell curve, based on the statistics of OkCupid. Which is an absolutely amazing result that probably 9 out of 10 people won't understand how amazing it is, even when it is explained to them in detail.

And even more so, considering the fact that a modern male is completely bombarded with photo-shopped pictures of the 0.001% best looking woman modeling agencies can find.

Woman, on the other hand, are not so generous. They rate 80% of all men as 'below average'.

http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/your-looks-and-online-dating/

You are trying to convince us you are ugly, both physically and mentally. Let's assume you are, for argument's sake. Why is a person just as ugly as you out of your league? Do they have the luxury of rejecting you?

If you are a really good looking person, then yes, it is easier as everyone is interested in you and they take the initiative. But that also means you have to reject many people. Even if you are among the 2% prettiest, it is not easy to get a partner that's also among the 2% most pretty.

Let's take a male who is ugly and unattractive the way you describe yourself. He also takes no action and avoids all rejection. What do you think happens to him?

Take me as an example. I am a successful student at a top50 world wide university.. I have decent athletic body & ability. I am tall. I am at least average looking. In 20 years two people were nice to me. And I push them away. Now maybe I am a narcissist. Maybe I am unpleasant and arrogant or aloof and distant. Maybe I am stuck up, stoic, and no fun at all.
About 90% of all people are less intelligent than me. About 60% are less attractive than me. Yet they get a partner and they get a relationship as happy, or unhappy, as any other.

The most ugly and stupidest people, they get married and get children. Now maybe they are pleasant people to be around when you are stupid as well, I don't know. I probably can't relate to the lives of ordinary working class people. But this is what I see.

Also, males do not fall in love with the hottest super model they see on tv, the way a 16 year old girl may. They fall in love with real women that they meet and interact with in their own lives. And once they fall in love, and they can fall in love in seconds, they like the way you look, period; even if you are ugly. Now, they are less likely to fall for you the less attractive you are physically.
What is most important is a feminine personality. You talk about outgoing people. Yes. Socially strong and outgoing woman, those are most attractive to me, and probably to most people.

And I won't deny it. If a woman looks nice, I think she is smarter and a nicer person. Yet I know this is an illusion. But that doesn't make the feeling any less false. I feel a desire for feminine energy. I don't desire the nicest most reliable person, male or female. I want a person with feminine energy, both in her looks and personality.

This mating game isn't fair.

The way you describe yourself, no one finds that attractive. It is a tricking game. You have to trick people into liking you. Knowing your own value means nothing. You have to project a fake self into the world and hope people like it.

I know this is going to be hard to do, and easier said than done, but I don't think a lot of your problems will be resolved until you learn to stand up for yourself. Your human dignity is worth you telling people when they are wrong sometimes, if they have done something bad toward you, and if their behavior was unacceptable. It may mean reducing some of your social contacts at time, but it's better to socialize with people who will treat you like a person and not someone they can just discard.

When I was younger, I did a lot of suicidal ideation and it wasn't until I started putting my foot down where I gained a stronger sense of self. I had to do this with my family of all people, and it wasn't until after I moved out where I began to feel whole. YMMV, but I think a lot of it has to do with knowing what the first steps are to take to begin that process of healing.

I've been to therapy too, and after a while I realized I don't need more therapy, the solutions are already set before me and it's just a matter of me taking the first steps. Therapy is designed to help us identify our needs, sort through our issues, and give us the tools to recognize the steps. No one can do it for us but us.

This isn't going to be helpful for people who want to be accepted for who they actually are. I don't think it's a good idea to say to project a facade and hope people will like it. People ALWAYS SEE THROUGH IT.

I see some terrible people get married, have long term relationships, families, etc. These are terrible people who make others miserable at work, put people down, keep up appearances, etc. If THEY don't have to project a facade of niceness or decency, why should those who are nice and decent stoop to their level just to get a few more people to like them?

Here's the deal-- people suck. They really do. There are always going to be people who don't want to be friends, much less romantic partners. IMO, there's always people who are very similar and would like each other, but finding them can be a challenge.

Thanks again.
Well, I think that if I ponder about it, it is better to be disliked for who I am than be liked for what I am not. Yet, I experienced something not so nice yesterday which makes me question many things about other people but mostly about myself.
It all started the day before yesterday. I saw a friend on the street and had a chat about doing something tomorrow, Sunday, since the weather will be very nice. So we thought it was a good idea to do a picnic or something like that. She said it would also be a good idea to invite 2 other friends along. all good until here.
Yesterday, during the afternoon, I asked my friend via Facebook chat if she was still up for the plan. She said that she was and had told the other girls too. She also apologised because she said she had discussed it in a group chat with them and she forgot to add me to the conversation (nice!). So, she added me to the conversation and we discussed a bit about what to do. I realised that conversation between them 3 had been going on since last week. Apparently, they have been doing things together and I had not been included in those plans. The worst thing is that one of those activities was a gathering in one of their flats, and she is my neighbour. So this gathering was last Monday. I met for brunch with one of them (who I will call Miss E.) on the day before this gathering (by then I knew nothing about it). We walked home together after the brunch because Miss E also lives near my place. So, when we were walking home, she asked me what would I do the next day (Monday) and I said I had no plans. She didn't tell me anything about the gathering they were planning even after telling her I had no plans!
So, yesterday when I realised these things at first I felt angry and hurt. Then I started questioning why is this happening to me? I wonder if there is something I might be doing wrong without realising it. I have my theories because after all, I am a human and make mistakes. Yet, thinking about how they just decided to push me aside instead of talking to me makes me angry.
What puzzles me is that a few weeks ago I told them about how I was feeling down and even though they did and said some things I didn't like, they showed very supportive. My neighbour also has sent me a few messages asking me how am I doing. I don't understand how they could be supportive and at the same time push me away. They have also done it before. For example, about a month ago we decided to go for lunch together to a restaurant that is a bit far from where we live. So they decided to take a taxi together there and didn't include me until I asked them how would they go there. The worse thing is that they were very close to leave without me because since I know with very short notice about the taxi and had other things to do, I was a bit late. I did stand up for myself that day and told them I was upset about it and that if I didn't ask them how they'd go to the restaurant, I'd never had know about the plan they had to take a taxi. Then one of them gave me a very dumb excuse to which I replied that I know that was not the reason.
Anyway, these girls are of the few friends that I have. I could think about not talking to them anymore but then that would mean staying almost alone, leaving me only with 2 friends left here in this city. Yet, if I pretend that nothing happens I will create more resentment towards them which is not healthy for me.
I am very angry at the moment and I even thought about not going to the picnic tomorrow. I have also thought about bringing this to the conversation and ask for an explanation and to tell me if I am doing something wrong or if I did or said something that would make them act this way with me. I know that they can't always include me in their plans but I also find it very hurtful. If I confront them, I also think that they might not be quite honest with me and the cycle will continue repeating itself.
It is hard for me to be dealing constantly with this kind of things. Sometimes I wish people were more honest and constructive and say if someone is doing something wrong. I think if I just knew if there is something or several things I should change to make relationships better my life would improve. However, it seems as if it is very hard to get that kind of honesty from people. I don't know if it is because they don't want to say something hurtful or because they are too coward to say something. Whatever it is, it is not helpful. It is not the first time something like this happens to me, and if it repeats itself with different people, then it is likely that I am doing something wrong. Not knowing what it is and not getting feedback frustrates me.

A facade isn't fake. It is there no matter what you are consciously projecting. And people can look through it, if they try hard enough.

You want people to look through. If the facade isn't appealing, they won't even look!

Hello lmph8885
Welcome to Psych Central!
Have you looked into Avoidant Personality Disorder and/or Social Phobia? I have both and from what you describe, you could have both/one of it.
I know this so well. AvPD causes me to have bad skills to cope with emotions, which caused me to have Binge Eating Disorder, which then led to obesity and Social Phobia due to the offenses I have to deal with in public.
Don't give up! Maybe you find it helpful to integrate yourself a little bit more here in Psych Central, it can be stabilizing, and helpful, to have a place one can turn to when needing/advice support.
Keep swimming!

oh boy, i would love you as a friend, i've had several things like you had happen to you happen to me. you are a good person from what i gather. i sure hope and pray for you good luck

I hear your pain. I know it is an old cliche, but in order to have a friend, you have to be A Friend. I find that when we take ourselves out of ourselves.......there are so many lonely,sad people---nursing homes for instance; that might be something you would consider doing. I am 69,andbeen on the dating sites for 13 (argh) years! Abysmal. I know how it feels to be lonely. Do you have specific interests....if so, you could join a group or even start one. I don't know how much help this is, but know that Iam sending love and hugs, xo, Nicole

No, it's fake. The fact you're describing it as something someone has to consciously project is testament to the idea it's not who the person really is. Facades require a lot of energy for people to main, and that's just exhausting for most people. Can you imagine putting on a mask for everyone, and then at the end of the day when you get home, taking it off so you can finally be yourself? That's terrible and depressing.