Who should do the traveling?

My gut says he's scared for possibly a few reasons, and that the jury is still out about whether he is truly stalling. I do know he's busy. At the moment, I'm okay with August but I can see it being a point of contention between now and then. Especially because he doesn't initiate phone calls. He'll chatter at me all day, he just won't call me unless I ask him to do so.

I don't know. I wouldn't call him an "unavailable" man because I think he is trying, but I think that I'm seeing some issues that could be a problem if he doesn't let me open up a dialogue about them. Which he has, so far. Interesting note: I have been friendly with him since 2006 and have had a little bit of an attraction to him since then, which he is aware of. He was quite fit back then, especially his upper body, as he began fencing back then and training for it really sculpted his shoulders. He still does it, but as he's quite good, he doesn't train as much anymore. He does teach, but that involves almost no movement. I know he doesn't look much like he did 10 years ago. Neither do I--I've gained quite a bit of weight. He's mentioned this (about himself) as well. It isn't an issue to me, but I know he joined a gym in the last few weeks. It is in the back of my mind that this could be a small factor which figures in to this...and I get it, because I feel the same way (though I'm not going to fix my body issues in a few months...guys, on the other hand, could easily lose 20 lbs in 2 months). And he would never, ever tell me if it were part of the issue.

Same here! It can be stressful if one person is a planner and one person isn't

I don't know. I'd be a bit apprehensive put off having to wait till August. I raised a child and am very devoted mother, I do know how hard it could be and I always worked a lot and went to school on several occasions never stopping working and already having a child, I have two masters, both acquired with kid in tow and full time jobs or/and two jobs. I know what busy means. But heck i could figure out a weekend to meet.

I wonder if he is apprehensive about you staying at his place the very first time. I would propose a hotel and in this case he won't need to spend 24/7 with you and will be able to attend to other things he has and see if he likes the idea. He might feel bad about suggesting it himself. Unless his kid is a toddler he could find few hours for dates if you stay in a hotel. IMHO that might be a solution.

I don't know about weight. Most people gain it with age. If it was something very noticeable and problematic it would be visible on Skype.

Just my opinion, I might be totally wrong

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I'm glad you finally have a date-ish for meeting up with him. FWIW, I *hate* phone calls and will IM/text/email all day before picking up the phone and calling someone. It has nothing to do with them, everything to do with me.

I think what your friend might have been getting at with the travel is that you want someone who is willing to make the time and effort to be with you, someone who puts in as much energy as you. Sometimes one person is just better positioned to travel than another, though.

I don't know. I'm just trying to be positive. I honestly don't think it's going to last until August, myself. I have too many questions (most of them being from this forum, honestly), and what happened last night scared me a bit. I am a confrontational person--not usually to a nasty point, but I like to get things out. I didn't realize he was so very not. I can see that being a big problem. I cannot constantly dig a guy out of his communication hole.

I understand. I didn't want to be negative as I am excited for your accomplishments. I just don't want you to get hurt and want you to do what's best for you. I can relate to whatever is that you are writing about so I am rooting for you whatever you decide in your life. We are here for you. Sending hugs

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That's funny
I think my guy only puts up with my hyper and high strung personality because I have an accent lol lol lol

Thanks.

I think whatever this thing is between us is finite. Maybe it's just me being negative (heh, what's new?) But I think I've made some excuses for him, just like I usually do. I don't like that he doesn't initiate calls or Skype. I don't like that I've opened myself up to him without really feeling that it's reciprocated. Maybe he had reciprocated in his own way. But I feel I've been so caught up in, "This guy wanted to talk to me for all these years," and then his initial excitement over me when I was more shy and apprehensive that I've sort of brushed off the fact that his excitement has waned. And I know that's the way relationships go. But before, he was the one asking me to Skype and etc. Now, he doesn't. He told me yesterday he isn't handling demands beyond his job and son well (and that it isn't my fault) and I wonder if his MI is starting to get a little worse. He doesn't sleep well. None of this is my fault. But I don't know that, long distance, I can weather all of that as someone who wants to be with him.

I just see familiar patterns that make me feel a bit dismayed, I guess. That, and I'm just too old to make excuses for a man. I want something real.

I dont think you are being negative but rather realistic. Just my opinion. Hugs

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When my husband and I were dating and this was about 6 months into our relationship, we had started planning a trip together. As in, it was all we could talk about and all of a sudden I was the only one talking about the trip. He had completely stopped and didn't engage. I was certain he was having doubts about us, or doubting his own feelings for me. I didn't really care if we went as much as I cared that he had become distant and quiet. I am confrontational and after agonizing over it for a few weeks, I finally asked him if his sudden disinterest had something to do with me. It hadn't. He had looked into it and the cost and didn't think he could afford it but was embarrassed and didn't want to say anything.

Men are strange creatures. It could very well be that your guy is nervous about his appearance among other things. When I think I know something about men, I turn out to be wrong.

Is it that he's thought so far ahead that he has catastrophized things too?

It's all based on risk.

I once dated a guy who about 3 weeks into dating was sent to Afghanistan. It wasn't exclusive but we talked all the time, he sent me stuff from the countries he stopped at and I chose to wait. He was gone for 4 months(airforce pilots had shorter assignments) and when he returned we resumed dating for maybe 6 weeks. It didn't work out. At first I was mad at myself for waiting, he didn't ask me to wait but I did. However, we had alot of fun and we ended on friendship and I don't regret it at all. It was worth it for me at the time.

If you don't know, keep processing your thoughts and feelings until you can make.a decision on what is best for you and your heart.

((hugs))

#Life is a beautiful lie#

Lol!!

#Life is a beautiful lie#

MondaysChild, I just don't see a scenario where I can keep making excuses for him. I look back and feel as though I have plainly laid out how I felt about him, and I realize this has actually not been reciprocated. Yes, I know he's attracted to me. He said he thinks I'm beautiful, smart, funny, and interesting. What I know for absolute certain is he is physically attracted to me, because he flirts with me. But I can get that locally; I don't need to wait for months and travel 9 hours for a "buddy." He is the first man I felt this positively about in years. I don't know what he feels about me in that aspect. And I don't see him revealing that.

He's 44 years old. I feel like, at this point in our lives, if we want someone, we don't hide and we don't play games. He was the one who wanted me, or so I'd thought. I think I took the notion of him saying he paid attention to me since 2012 and ran with it. I basically made it into a fairy tale, when in reality he probably paid attention because he was physically attracted and enjoyed the fantasy. I think he has a little bit better character than that, but no one is perfect. And I feel as though the positive notions I built of him in my mind started crumbling last night.

Yes, he has stuck by me even though I have been anxious. Yes, he has told me he wasn't going anywhere. Yes, he has told me to breathe, to not worry. But I just...I can't help but think that if he really wanted to, he could make things happen sooner than August. And he could call without my having to beg him. And etc.

And even as I type this, I think I may be overreacting. But then again, I am so used to making excuses for people treating me as less than they should... I don't know.

What do you mean by this?

Exactly what it says. He doesn't initiate phone conversations. And last night, when there was an issue, I had to repeatedly ask him to call me because he was retreating. I don't like that.

I really, truly appreciate everyone's input but I feel like I almost have an overload of advice right now. Which isn't your fault, since I asked. But my friends who know me are telling me not to jump the gun on pushing him away, my T encourages me to try to see the rational side of every interaction (and believes he is who he says he is), I'm feeling super anxious all over again, and I have way too many thoughts swirling in my head.

Basically, I just want to love and be loved. That's all. I don't know who or what that looks like. This is my problem.

And, for the record, the email I sent this morning stating that I had concerns about how long we were waiting to meet as well as what happened last night has, this far, gone unanswered. I did say I was working all day and that I didn't need anything immediate. But, I suspect that he'll just let it go unless I prod him, at which point he'll get mad at me for pushing. Not gonna lie, I'm sitting in my car, outside of work, a bit tearful. Waiting to go have a drink with a friend so I don't go home and message him. The ball is in his court. It's his turn. I'm pretty sure I'm done, but I don't hear from him in the next few days, I can at least feel confident that I made the right decision.

You should truly do what you feel right. We can only advice ( I think mostly we just make suggestions or brainstorm) what we think is best in our opinions. But the decision is ultimately yours. I don't want to influence you in what you do. I am also afraid to say something that might upset you or get you anxious.

When things are right, then you know they are right and nothing will change that no matter what we anonymous posters say. It's ok to ignore what others advice especially anonymous posters on the Internet. No one knows better than you, just trust your guts.

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I know. I appreciate you guys.

My guts don't make much sense when it comes to relationships. I get anxious and then I'm okay, it's a repeating cycle. When it comes to love, I've never known a healthy relationship so my guy doesn't really know what to say or think about it. I just know nothing but fear.

Unfortunately growing up in unhealthy or dysfunctional families and not knowing how healthy relationships are supposed to look like, makes finding love very difficult because we just don't know how things supposed to look like so we accept unacceptable or are just constantly confused and anxious. We don't even know how healthy love is supposed to feel like. Do we supposed to be excited or content etc etc my therapist said we can't be expected to know if we didn't have a model of healthy relationship growing up. What other people have naturally we don't.

It saddens me at times that it took me that many years to finally arrive to the right partnership and I had some semi decent relationships but now going back I think that wasn't even good. I honestly owe it to my therapist to finally figure out who i repeatedly attracted and why. When I started working with her she said healing will start with awareness, when you will become aware the pattern will stop. And it did.

You deserve to have a relationship that is satisfying and it will happen .

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Well, this is what he messaged me earlier this evening:

"Am home after a long evening in the office. I've thought a lot about your email from this morning, and, I am going to quit while we're ahead. To use your phrase, I'm not really emotionally available, if I'm honest, and I'm not prepared to invest in what it would take make a relationship work. I just don't have the time and energy for it. I'm sorry."

I'm super pissed. And very sad.

I am sorry. . I know it's hard to see anything positive in it. But I have to say it's better he admitted he isn't emotionally available it now not 6 months from now or 5 years from now. Also kuddos to you for directly asking him and being up front about what you want. You are strong and you are on a right track. Sending you hugs. We are here for you

Wanted to add that you are the winner in this situation. It might not feel like it now but you are

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Ditto what Divine said. Hugs!!

#Life is a beautiful lie#

I think he's full of shyt, tbh. We had a conversation last Friday that was very contradictory to the climate of this week. I think he's emotionally unavailable, yes. But I think he's retreated into a shell. It pisses me off because ffs, we aren't kids. After all of the stuff he told me, I deserved to hear what he had to say over the phone. He is a coward. And I told him so. I was like listen, you are going to choose not to talk to me and that is a mistake. And you may think I'm pushing...I am. I think you need to be pushed, and by someone who cares about you and sees through your BS. Maybe that isn't me, but it has to be someone, and soon. And I think you're being a coward. Maybe that makes you mad, but if I said what you said to someone over text, after all of this, they'd probably call me a coward as well. And I'd be mad, but after a time, I'd have to agree with them.

I told him I get not having energy...who does? We're basically middle aged. But I said I think you have the time, you're just afraid to invest it because it screwed you over in the past. I said not everyone sucks, not everyone is going to hurt you, abuse you, or be unfair to you. Eventually you have to come out of that shell. Maybe not with me. But you have to risk to do it with someone.

I believe all of that. Mainly, I'm just mad. And, frankly, a bit relieved. The anxiety was doing me in.

Often when relationship causes anxiety, being done with it ( as sad as it is at the moment), provides a relief.

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Thanks, guys.

He's completely ignoring me at this point. I've sent a couple of messages via FB because as I said, I'm incredibly upset and think I deserve a little more than just that. He's read them and there is no response. I even said last night, "If you're just going to read what I say and not talk to me, then just defriend me. Because you're just hurting me more with this." Read. Didn't defriend me. I sent a text this morning telling him basically the same thing, that knowing someone was reading what you have to say when you are hurt but willfully ignoring you is worse than being blocked, and I don't feel I deserve to be completely ignored in this situation. Nothing.

It's like I'm the bad guy, here, when I don't think there is necessarily a villain. I think he did me wrong, but I am not mad enough to block him. What he's doing is on the level of if I had actually done something TO him, and I haven't. I don't get it. (And no, there will be no more messages.)