I was talking to a friend of mine about my long distance relationship and saying that I'm planning on going down to meet him asap (as soon as our schedules can get coordinated). As I have mentioned here, it's just easier for me to go there--my work schedule is more flexible, I don't have children, and I am more financially able to afford traveling. He can contribute in other ways...not that he never wants to come to me, but for a quick weekend, it's just easier. My friend said that I should be careful, that she thinks I'm being too lenient and that if he really wanted to see me, as the guy, he should come to me. She thinks I'm getting myself both into a dangerous situation and letting him off the hook too easily.

He's not someone I don't trust (i.e. someone I think would harm me), so that isn't an issue. But now she's got me thinking--am I letting him off the hook? Should I be making him come to me?

[smartiesparty]

Saying the guy should come to see you is a bit middle-age-esque. Women can take a first step too.
You should go see him if you really trust him, and simply make sure that he'll be the one travelling next time. Being the one doing the travelling is also safer knowing that you can get away if things don't go as planned ! Be safe.

Originally Posted by smartiesparty

Saying the guy should come to see you is a bit middle-age-esque. Women can take a first step too.
You should go see him if you really trust him, and simply make sure that he'll be the one travelling next time. Being the one doing the travelling is also safer knowing that you can get away if things don't go as planned ! Be safe.

I agree. The friend who said it is a little older than me and even said, "Maybe I'm a bit old fashioned." I don't know that he'd be able to do the traveling next, even. I would hope so. But just trying to make this initial thing happen is getting tedious...he isn't yet able to give me dates that work because he's tying up lose ends with his job, but I can't be mad because I have no idea what my work schedule is past next week, which is super stressful for me. He keeps telling me, "It's going to be okay. Really," and that does help calm me a bit, but ugh...I just want to go see him.

[Mondayschild]

I think it's easy enough to let someone know where you will be and who you will be with in case something did happen. But the same would be if he comes to see you. I don't know that either way would be a "safer risk"..

FYI. I don't mean it as what you are doing is dangerous, I'm mean it as if there is a certain risk to it, it would go either way. I think it's cool that you are going to him for the first trip.

#Life is a beautiful lie#

[divine1966]

When I did long distance thing, he did the travel and stayed in the hotel and eventually and when my daughter was not with me he stayed at my house. We planned on me travel there too eventually but not first few times .

With my past attractions to unavailable men it was a bad news for me to do all the travel and most initiation. In fact in any relationship it took me many years to learn that if a man is truly seriously into me nothing will stop him and I do not need to pursue a man and beg him for attention. Took me so long to figure that out

It doesn't matter who travels the first time but do make sure you do not pursue a guy who is apprehensive ( not saying he is but just be careful). Make sure you aren't always the one asking him when you can see him etc be careful

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Originally Posted by divine1966

With my past attractions to unavailable men it was a bad news for me to do all the travel and most initiation. In fact in any relationship it took me many years to learn that if a man is truly seriously into me nothing will stop him and I do not need to pursue a man and beg him for attention. Took me so long to figure that out

It doesn't matter who travels the first time but do make sure you do not pursue a guy who is apprehensive ( not saying he is but just be careful). Make sure you aren't always the one asking him when you can see him etc be careful

I am really starting to be super concerned with this, actually. I don't know if it is me catastrophizing or if it is legit.

I had a major talk with him the other day, and said that I feel he has a wall up with me. He said it's possible. He said he's a bit wary given my past behavior. I don't blame him. We've only been talking this time around (after the apology) for two weeks, though it seems longer. And there have been a few little bumps, and it's all been because of my job anxiety. No push-pull, no difficult, nasty Ruari. But I'm sure the anxious me isn't easy, and when I've had those little outbursts I can definitely see a change in the communication. He pulls away a bit. I don't blame him for that. I don't know if he's unavailable or not. He's pretty forthcoming with his feelings if I ask him about them. He doesn't hide anything from me. We talk pretty much from morning until bedtime almost every day (except when he's busy with work or when he needs a little space because I've been snarky...like I was last night).

He says I really, truly will get the dates he has available in June, he's just trying to wrap loose ends up with work. I think I believe him. He's a freelancer in addition to his 9-5. Plus, like I said, I don't have any schedule yet (though I have half a mind to just make plans and tell my job they're already made). I don't want to give him an ultimatum because I don't think he'd react well to that. But I am close to saying that the communication can't continue for much longer if we don't have an endgame. I don't know.

[Mondayschild]

The other aspect of this situation is the friend, that aspect of if he wanted to see you, he'd come to you. If you are talking from noon to night, I think it's obvious he wants to see you. That's a whole bunch of effort for nothing. If it were the case that you barely talked and he didn't respond to calls or texts, that would be more accurate.

I don't know anyone who is so bored they would fake interest to that extent.

He wants to see you.

#Life is a beautiful lie#

Originally Posted by Mondayschild

The other aspect of this situation is the friend, that aspect of if he wanted to see you, he'd come to you. If you are talking from noon to night, I think it's obvious he wants to see you. That's a whole bunch of effort for nothing. If it were the case that you barely talked and he didn't respond to calls or texts, that would be more accurate.

I don't know anyone who is so bored they would fake interest to that extent.

He wants to see you.

#Life is a beautiful lie#

I know.

He hasn't talked to me much today, but I kinda wore him out last night with my anxious snarking. Oh, that, and it's Friday and he has to write articles which post for the whole weekend. He does work a regular 9-5; it's not his job to chat with me. I need to stop being a selfish only child and expecting the world to revolve around me. He flirted a little this morning.

I need to remember that he wasn't talking to me for two weeks, blocked me and all. That could have been his out. I wrote an apology letter which he chose to respond favorably to. I need to remember that, if he didn't like me, he wouldn't have responded in the first place. There is no reason for him to play games with me; it's not like there is really anything in it for him right now...he's not getting anything physical, and I'm probably a lot of work. Yeah...he had an out and he chose to come back, knowing that I have a history of being difficult. He wants to see me.

[Mondayschild]

Originally Posted by Ruari

I know.

He hasn't talked to me much today, but I kinda wore him out last night with my anxious snarking. Oh, that, and it's Friday and he has to write articles which post for the whole weekend. He does work a regular 9-5; it's not his job to chat with me. I need to stop being a selfish only child and expecting the world to revolve around me. He flirted a little this morning.

I need to remember that he wasn't talking to me for two weeks, blocked me and all. That could have been his out. I wrote an apology letter which he chose to respond favorably to. I need to remember that, if he didn't like me, he wouldn't have responded in the first place. There is no reason for him to play games with me; it's not like there is really anything in it for him right now...he's not getting anything physical, and I'm probably a lot of work. Yeah...he had an out and he chose to come back, knowing that I have a history of being difficult. He wants to see me.

I use the tapatalk app so when I "like" something someone says, it always looks like a thank you on the actual forum. Which is okay but possibly makes me strange depending on the comment.

Also, if you are dating one of the rare men that like to talk on the phone for more than 15 minutes. He's a gem. My husband and I lived only and hour apart when we started dating but he was on call quite a bit and I was working and in school so we relied on phone calls, texts, im and email. He abhors most forms of communication that are not in person. I knew when we would spend a couple hours talking on the phone ever, that he must be invested.

Hugs.

#Life is a beautiful lie#

Originally Posted by Mondayschild

I use the tapatalk app so when I "like" something someone says, it always looks like a thank you on the actual forum. Which is okay but possibly makes me strange depending on the comment.

Also, if you are dating one of the rare men that like to talk on the phone for more than 15 minutes. He's a gem. My husband and I lived only and hour apart when we started dating but he was on call quite a bit and I was working and in school so we relied on phone calls, texts, im and email. He abhors most forms of communication that are not in person. I knew when we would spend a couple hours talking on the phone ever, that he must be invested.

Hugs.

#Life is a beautiful lie#

20-30 minutes is usually J's limit. I dated a guy back in my mid-twenties with whom I'd spend hours on the phone, and I guess this is what I was expecting, that like this other guy (who also happened to be a different J name, so we won't talk about his name bc that is confusing) I'd spend hours on the phone with him in some kind of When Harry Met Sally-esque scenario. Okay, first of all When Harry Met Sally is a Meg Ryan movie, and real life is never like a Meg Ryan movie. Secondly, other guy happened in my mid-twenties, and in the early 2000's. Everyone talked on the phone for hours back then. Thirdly, things didn't work out, disastrously, with other guy. Fourthly (is that a word?), JD is in his mid-forties. I feel like indulging me in 30 minutes of phone and Skype chatter, in addition to all-day text most days, is pretty indulgent.

Okay. I've talked myself out of being anxious. At least about him.

[Mondayschild]

Originally Posted by Ruari

20-30 minutes is usually J's limit. I dated a guy back in my mid-twenties with whom I'd spend hours on the phone, and I guess this is what I was expecting, that like this other guy (who also happened to be a different J name, so we won't talk about his name bc that is confusing) I'd spend hours on the phone with him in some kind of When Harry Met Sally-esque scenario. Okay, first of all When Harry Met Sally is a Meg Ryan movie, and real life is never like a Meg Ryan movie. Secondly, other guy happened in my mid-twenties, and in the early 2000's. Everyone talked on the phone for hours back then. Thirdly, things didn't work out, disastrously, with other guy. Fourthly (is that a word?), JD is in his mid-forties. I feel like indulging me in 30 minutes of phone and Skype chatter, in addition to all-day text most days, is pretty indulgent.

Okay. I've talked myself out of being anxious. At least about him.

Fourthly. Is it a word?? I've used it ignorant to knowing for sure. I feel this unhealthy pull to Google it. Lol.

Okay, off topic but since you brought it up kinda. What movie is your favorite "movie love?"

You have Meg Ryan in my head, Sleepless In Seattle is one of them for me.

#Life is a beautiful lie#

[divine1966]

I hate talking on the phone. 30 minutes on the phone is a torture. I rarely sit doing nothing so I always do something else when talking, so people ask me: what's that noise? are you doing dishes are you flushing toilet lol lol

my daughter used to check if I am even paying attention squeezing in phrases like : and then I got pregnant or I decided to do drugs or I am moving to China lol just to see if I am even listening.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Mondayschild

Fourthly. Is it a word?? I've used it ignorant to knowing for sure. I feel this unhealthy pull to Google it. Lol.

Okay, off topic but since you brought it up kinda. What movie is your favorite "movie love?"

You have Meg Ryan in my head, Sleepless In Seattle is one of them for me.

#Life is a beautiful lie#

I know you didn't ask me but mine is Living Out Loud. It's not really about love but more like a woman getting over her divorce and grieving over lost love and becoming much stronger in the process. I don't know why no one ever knows this movie. And it never had good reviews but it struck the cord with me. The whole message of the movie is beautiful.

[Mondayschild]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I know you didn't ask me but mine is Living Out Loud. It's not really about love but more like a woman getting over her divorce and grieving over lost love and becoming much stronger in the process. I don't know why no one ever knows this movie. The whole message of the movie is beautiful.

I haven't heard of it but now I have a new movie to watch! I probably shouldn't have hijacked her thread, I just thought it was a fun question.

#Life is a beautiful lie#

I don't know what mine is. It depends on my mood. I used to love When Harry Met Sally and Love, Actually. Now, I don't know. Definitely, Maybe is a good one. I'd have to think about it.

PS He has not spoken to me since this afternoon. �� Last night after I snarked he was basically like, "I don't have anything more to say, not mad, just worn out," and I sent a paragraph of apology which he still hasn't read. I suspect he muted the FB conversation. Which is fine. He can have space. I sent a quick "kiss" emoji this morning, he sent one back, and there was about 20 minutes of cute flirting. And then he said he was hungry, I something about work, he said he was coming from an assignment, I complained about not knowing what was happening at work, still, and then nothing. I kind of prodded him in the afternoon and he was just like, "I'm good, just busy writing ��" Since then, nothing. So no reason to think he's mad or ditching me or anything. Maybe he just needs space. I'm okay with that. I'm just so bad because no matter what, I always think people are leaving me. I am not sitting here climbing the walls about it, it's just a dull quiet little nag in the back of my head.

[Mondayschild]

Originally Posted by Ruari

I don't know what mine is. It depends on my mood. I used to love When Harry Met Sally and Love, Actually. Now, I don't know. Definitely, Maybe is a good one. I'd have to think about it.

PS He has not spoken to me since this afternoon. 😕 Last night after I snarked he was basically like, "I don't have anything more to say, not mad, just worn out," and I sent a paragraph of apology which he still hasn't read. I suspect he muted the FB conversation. Which is fine. He can have space. I sent a quick "kiss" emoji this morning, he sent one back, and there was about 20 minutes of cute flirting. And then he said he was hungry, I something about work, he said he was coming from an assignment, I complained about not knowing what was happening at work, still, and then nothing. I kind of prodded him in the afternoon and he was just like, "I'm good, just busy writing 😊" Since then, nothing. So no reason to think he's mad or ditching me or anything. Maybe he just needs space. I'm okay with that. I'm just so bad because no matter what, I always think people are leaving me. I am not sitting here climbing the walls about it, it's just a dull quiet little nag in the back of my head.

Did you say that you can mute a fb conversation?? How does that work? Is that on the messenger app or desktop?

#Life is a beautiful lie#

[healingme4me]

I took the first trip to meet. I didn't want to meet on my turf, meeting my children at that point would have been a bit off kilter. I also got to see where he lived, which means signs of any womanly aspects to a bachelor home. My bff made sure that I called, she would hear in my voice as she put it. I took a serious look at the calendar. I didn't want to delay because I knew that I could be prone to staying too long in relationships that just weren't worth it in the long run, plus a long term email friendship had ended months prior in flat out disappointment as he saw no point in meeting.

So I guess in situations like this, the notion of him coming to you proves something, falls flat.

Originally Posted by Ruari

I was talking to a friend of mine about my long distance relationship and saying that I'm planning on going down to meet him asap (as soon as our schedules can get coordinated). As I have mentioned here, it's just easier for me to go there--my work schedule is more flexible, I don't have children, and I am more financially able to afford traveling. He can contribute in other ways...not that he never wants to come to me, but for a quick weekend, it's just easier. My friend said that I should be careful, that she thinks I'm being too lenient and that if he really wanted to see me, as the guy, he should come to me. She thinks I'm getting myself both into a dangerous situation and letting him off the hook too easily.

He's not someone I don't trust (i.e. someone I think would harm me), so that isn't an issue. But now she's got me thinking--am I letting him off the hook? Should I be making him come to me?

Do you know the guy in person from before and trust him from personal experience? Also, I remember you said earlier you are going to meet in the midway between you and him. I thought that was a good compromise.

Originally Posted by Wandering Soul

Do you know the guy in person from before and trust him from personal experience? Also, I remember you said earlier you are going to meet in the midway between you and him. I thought that was a good compromise.

I trust him.

I don't want to meet midway; I don't feel like paying for a hotel, not to mention that it's so impersonal. And there is nothing that I want to do in the city which is midway between us--it's a larger city, but not that exciting. I'd rather just drive to him or have him come to me. It's actually less expensive to do that than to meet halfway and have to pay for a hotel for a weekend or longer.

[divine1966]

Meeting half way would be ok later on. At this point it is better to stay in each other cities. But for the first trip id probably stay in the hotel even if in his city. Spend day with him but not stay there. Just the first visit. Later on would be ok. Does he have a guest room?

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[TishaBuv]

I see nothing wrong with your going to see him, since it makes more sense. I'd think he's take you out to dinner at least when you go.

On another thread you mentioned how you talk hours on the phone and you are wearing him out. I recommend cutting down the phone time. You'll run out of things to say before you even start dating in person.

Take you time with this one. He sounds like a good guy.

[divine1966]

I don't think ruari says she talks on the phone for hours with this man, just that she did with someone else.

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Originally Posted by Mondayschild

Did you say that you can mute a fb conversation?? How does that work? Is that on the messenger app or desktop?

#Life is a beautiful lie#

Both. On the app, you swipe the conversation bar to the left and it will give you options to mute for a certain amount of time, or until you unmute. On the computer, there is a little settings gear and it will give you the same options. JD will tell me he's tired and going to bed and I will get a wild hair and choose that time to start on a soapbox or something. He'll politely reiterate that he's going to bed, send a *kiss* emoticon, and then I notice that the messages aren't read until the middle of the next day or sometimes later. Yeah, it didn't take me long to figure out he muted me every so often. It's not like he does it all the time, and not like he doesn't already say he's exiting the conversation, haha.

Originally Posted by divine1966

Meeting half way would be ok later on. At this point it is better to stay in each other cities. But for the first trip id probably stay in the hotel even if in his city. Spend day with him but not stay there. Just the first visit. Later on would be ok. Does he have a guest room?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

He has a second bedroom, but it's his son's room. So no. I've thought about going the AirBnB route (that's my kinda thing). I'll cross that bridge when I get to it; I'm not really sure what I want to do with that, yet.

[Emotionally Dead]

It doesn't really matter who takes the plunge, just that if you both mean a lot to each other someone has to. When I was in a long-distance relationship, being the guy I am the one that went. That was to an entirely different country though, and I had never even flown before. Some people even tried to convince me that something bad would
happen, or that this girl wouldn't be who she said she was. We waited 5 years to see each other though, and it was worth every second. Everything went great.

Sometimes we have to take risks in life. We just have to decide if those risks are worth it. Make sure it is worth it for you, and if it is go for it. I am a guy with a lot of pride so yes I decided to be the one to go, but it really doesn't matter especially in this day and time. Just make sure you're both on the same page and are both okay with it.