[Yismymindblank12]

I've been very reckless this week. I think I've changed and not for the better. I don't consider others feelings this week. I kissed two girls, well one is woman who is trans mtf and the other was the one I was interested in.

It doesn't matter at first because I got a month left, but I destroyed a close friend because kidding both of them at different times.

I wasn't taking it serious at first, because we aren't dating, but it was disrespectful.

I crave affection like it's a drug. I get so stupid and inconsiderate of everyone because when I recieve affection I don't appreciate it. I use it because I don't believe in love. I'll give and recieve, but I'm horrible at receiving because I used to hiding my feelings always and never feel like they will like what they see so if I'm an asshole that's all they should see.

People throw me away all the time so I said **** it and stopped trying like awhile ago. This week was the final result of that.

I called my mom told her how she ****ed up, that I became and chose to be a jerk to everyone's feelings because I never had my feelings validated and so I just hated people. The abscence of love is hate and sadness and so I should not be in a relationship ever not date period. Just shut it out. period, I just myself and too many others. I'm done with it.

I read that to heal this I should be loved in a way I've never experienced. I dream of that everyday. I try to force it by meeting people constantly wearing myself out and feeling emptier and lonelier. I got high alot because I would forget my sense of self and pretend this is a bad dream.

I could be a wealthy man or a poor man of material possessions and finances and it wouldn't make a difference. It wouldn't matter if I'm bi, or abused or have medical problems people consistently shown they don't care and the balance of mindfulness like c'mon.

When I was beaten all the time no one came to my aid. Why should I have someone now. Like I started with no one it's only practical.

[Yismymindblank12]

When people suggest therapy I'm done with therapy all together I got screwed over big time by my therapists. They are making me pay copays we agreed I didn't have to cover many months ago but they basically had in session and ask about basketball or something not helpful. My time was wasted again.

Yeah I'm grieving and holding on to guilt because I'm surrounding by my shame I can't escape it. My best friend is dead, my dog is dead, and I can't make enough time to grieve properly my therapists quit and it's happening all over again like when I was a child and teen time and time again. No one loves me when I go through truama. I remember everything how I was suffering greatly and the adults and people i trusted left and abandoned me at moments notice. Since dealing with this at 4 to now, I am so used to being treated poorly I just expect it sometimes crave it. I expect to be want physical abuse secretly because I feel better. That I am so messed up sometimes I feel I deserve it. I never worked on myself because hospitals were just minimal security prisons but with group games. Most gaurds had tasers if you're 14 and you dart out that magnetic door, they can and will tackle you and tase you. I've seen it or the usually tackle you and put a sedative in you. They ignore your feelings always and talk down to you like you're a lesser being.

And it's disgusting like why should I believe there is anything good from this.

I do not care to be judged ridiculed and be in meds just because I'm crazy.

[Yismymindblank12]

I apologize for the word errors my phone is a complete turd when it's autocorrecr is garbage.