[zooploop]

Hi, I'm looking for advice on how to improve the relationship between my stepdad and I, or how to get him to make him see that he is acting like a child. My biological father died 2 years ago and my mom moved in with my stepdad almost immediately after his death, so I was forced to live with him. I have NEVER liked him, he's egotistical, materialistic and thinks he's above others. He blatantly tries to exclude me from the family, especially at dinner time. Half the time I won't even know that we're eating dinner because he will refuse to invite me or even allow me to eat the dinner because he made it. He loves to call me names and will stick his neck out to argue with me or to insult me in any fashion and whenever I confront him about it, he manages to flip the situation to get my mom against me as well. He praises my little sister but will try his best to find any and all ways possible to belittle me. He absolutely hates me, the feeling is mutual. I have 3 more years at home before I move out and I cannot legally drive yet so I'm stuck at home. I cannot stand being around him without getting furious, I absolutely hate him and I would love to have a good relationship with him but that's almost impossible to do when he tries to find every single way possible to argue or blatantly be rude to me. Of course my mom doesn't seem to care, and when she does, it's about his side of things. I cannot stand being around him and looking at him makes me angry and I know that I shouldn't bite the hand that feeds me but I'm finding it awfully hard to find any ounce of respect for this man when he constantly excludes me as a member of the family and will always try to find ways in insult me. He loves loves loves to give me dirty looks and push my buttons purposefully and then act like I'm a total ***** when I get angry at him. Just the other day he was insulting me and pushing my buttons and getting me wound up, and he knew that I would get angry as a result, which I did, he then proceeded to tell me that something's wrong with me and that I'm an absolute ***** and etc... He also loves to tell me that there's something wrong with me and I'm a ****ing weirdo and that if I were his "real" kid he'd beat me, when I confront my mom about these things she says "Oh lighten up it's a joke" I cannot stand him and want this to stop.
Sorry for the awfully long post and also I apologize if this is in the wrong section, please redirect me if this is.

[Skeezyks]

Hello zooploop: I believe this is your first post, here on PC. (I see you also posted this in the Teens Lounge forum, which is fine. But since I'm an old goat... I'm replying here!) Anyway... welcome to PsychCentral... from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

This is such a distressing situation! No one can survive the kind of constant abuse you describe with their mental health intact. It is incredibly sad that your mother is brushing off what is happening to you. Unfortunately, I don't know as I have much of anything I can suggest as far as how you can make this situation better. You really need some "in-real-life" outside support. Is there a member of your extended family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.) you could seek help from? Is there a counselor at school you could talk with?

Continuing to post, here on PC, can help too. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more connected to the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join, & chat rooms you'll be able to enter (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lot's of great stuff!

Hopefully other members here on PC will come along with some more specific ideas as to how to deal with your stepdad. I wish you well...

[ComfortablyNumb5]

Wow... Do you even want to be pals with him? He sounds like an *** and I'm sorry for that. I would suggest family counseling for you all. Take family outings. And if all else fails, wait till you're 18 and get the hell out!

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[Apanthropos]

I have a similar problem with my uncle who lives with us. We hate each others' guts to be honest... So what I do is I just leave the house to be with friends or with other family members that don't treat me like absolute ****. If I were you I would try to make time to be with other people because trust me, me being around the person I hated caused some pretty crazy conflicts. Get the hell outa dodge when you can!

And also welcome to the pc forums, hope you find your time here of use, and remember there are people including me that you can talk with if you need it. Otherwise I hope things work out well for you.

[Monarch Butterfly]

I'm sorry you we going through this. Do you have supportive relatives you could talk to? Supportive friends? I would try to surround yourself with relatives or friends who treat you well. Would your mom listen to you if you tell her how you feel about your stepfathers treatmentt of you? We're also here for you on the pc forum.

[cluelessgal]

Hey ZoopLoop,

Welcome to Psychcentral Forums You'd find a lot of support here.

I'm so sorry you lost you dad. I hope you had the support to deal with your loss.

You're in a tough situation here. Your stepdad is emotionally abusing you and your mom is brushing it off like it was nothing. Emotional abuse IS the worst form of abuse. You're in an age where you are starting to form an individual identity and so much negativity around you, about you....may not affect you that much now, but they have very damaging consequences in the long run - self-esteem issues, learning issues, body image issues, anger issues, anxiety, possible depression,concentration issues, relationship issues, problem getting along with peers....

And just because your sister is not facing emotional abuse, doesn't mean she's not getting affected by it. My mom and bro used to have awful fights and I was a silent spectator....and it only made me start walking around eggshells to avoid being at the receiving end that I've seen others be in. She's getting the wrong idea of how men and how families should be.

You really need to talk to someone.....ideally a counselor. If you have a school counselor, please do talk to them. If not, please talk to a therapist and get them to talk to your mother about what kind of environment she's putting her kids in. Your stepdad is still your stepdad, but it's your mom who brought you into this world and she's more responsible for your well-being than your stepfather. If not, then maybe your mom's siblings who can talk to her?

Instead of expecting something from your stepdad, start making your mom responsible. If your stepdad doesn't invite you for dinner, ask your mom (politely, because if you ask angrily, she'd get defensive and your stepdad will step into the argument....and you don't want that) why she didn't call you.
If your stepdad cooks dinner and doesn't leave food for you, politely tell your mom that you're hungry and you'd be grateful if she can make the simplest thing possible - say a sandwich.

Whenever your stepdad name calls you or belittles you....always do tell your mom how much it hurt you and how you felt when he's not around, irrespective of whether she cares or not.

Is your mother working? Many times women stick with unhealthy marriages simply because they have no financial stability in life.

Now as far your stepfather is concerned, there is nothing you can do improve the relationship because you are not the problem....he is. Some people love to belittle others because that's how they were treated in their childhood....they are simply repeating the pattern - this time in the power position of abuser. The only person who can do something about it - is he himself. No amount of advice to treat you better or work on his issues or throwing light on his life would make him improve.

Your mom can make him realize that he needs therapy for his issues, but for that, your mom needs to realize this herself.

However, you need to understand that, whatever your stepdad says about you, he is simply projecting his opinion about himself, on you - like all bullies do. If he calls you weak, he thinks he is a coward. If he calls you stupid, he thinks he worthless. It's not something he consciously thinks and speaks - it's what he subconsciously believes about himself.

There is very little in your hands here.

However, if you want to irritate the crap out of stepdad - the best way is to not react by being angry, irritated or looking hurt. Bullies like your stepdad like to see pain in the eyes of their chosen victim....but if you refuse to give that, he'd really be irritated.

You, SHOULD get a therapist's support as soon as possible -earlier the better. When my abuse ended, I thought I can move on with my life. But it doesn't work that way. All that wound lies in your mind unhealed, affecting every realm of your life.

If you can get a therapist now - a family therapist for you, your mom, your sister and later, your stepdad - it would really be ideal.

But if that's not possible now, then please write about your feelings - preferably a secret blog only you can see. Write about all the incidents and insults. Writing legitimizes your feelings. Someday, you'd forget the incident but you'd never forget how you feel. This blog will one immensely help you.

You can also talk to us about everything here - Survivors of Abuse - Forums at Psych Central

Practice meditation. Meditation helps you control your mind. When your stepdad goes on barrage of insults, you can, slowly, learn to control your mind not to get agitated, but stay calm till all is over.

Learn skills when you are a little older - like software coding, photoshop...online. The reason is, someday when you are able to get away from your stepdad, if you already have skills, you can get a decent job with which you can take care yourself financially (unlike physical jobs which require hard labor but very little pay and very little growth).

Good luck man....and keep sharing. All my love