Lonely and Lacking Affection

Hello...this is my first post here. I've really been struggling with this over the past few months and I feel like I don't have anybody to talk to about it.

I have been feeling extremely lonely recently. The last time I was in a real relationship was over 4 years ago, it was an abusive relationship that I was lucky to get out of. Afterwards, I had a 3 year long affair with a married person. I'm not proud of that, and it caused me much emotional distress. I spent many nights crying at home alone, feeling like I wasn't good enough to actually be with, feeling sad that somebody who supposedly loved me wouldn't be seen with me, so on and so forth. This went on for three years before I walked away.
Last summer I met somebody amazing, who I got on with well, we had a lot in common, he didn't have any substance abuse problems and was actually single, would bring me around his friends etc. Of course, this person lives very far away from me and though our paths crossed several times last summer, we haven't seen each other since and haven't even really spoken. I shouldn't be letting this bother me, but I've been thinking about him every single day since then and it's killing me.

I just don't understand why I have so much trouble finding a person with whom I can have a somewhat decent relationship. I'm in my 20's, have a good career, am reasonably attractive. I don't have trouble making friends and have an extremely active social life, but I've been desperately craving intimacy and affection. I'm sick of going to bed alone every night. I just don't understand what's wrong with me, am I really that bad?

So to clarify, you don't feel lonely because you are alone a lot; you do have an active social life. You feel lonely because you lack romantic affection?

I am going to assume you are female, but I have been wrongly assumed a heterosexual bias in the past here. To me as a 32 male with no concrete experience in romantic relationships, why do you think you have the luxury of romance just happening automatically? I mean, you don't say: "I asked x people out, and they all rejected me/didnt want to go on a second date."

As a white tall male in a rich western country, I have a lot of privilege that I don't feel I have. But still I do feel annoyed that in romance if I take no action, literally nothing will ever happen. It is all on me. And I know there's many more males out there that lament this. Many refuse to go out there, get rejected 19 times, just to get one opportunity. And here you lament that there hasn't been a male willing to be rejected 19 times so he can ask you out and you can say 'yes'? Am I right or wrong? With all my own frustrations, this is what my honest feelings are. (some people are going to be angry with me again, alas)

As for the guy you met last summer, you say you have no contact anymore, but you don't explain why. Are you sure you did your best to stay in contact and he blew you off? If he didn't, you may not have put enough energy into it. Of course, the LDR didn't look hopeful, but you do lament nothing came of it.

I am going over your post again, looking for something that actually allows me to give feedback on why things don't go the way you want, but you give no information.

I don't feel how romance develops. I think how romance develops. Maybe that's actually more useful to you. What I think I see is that females vet the male friends of their female friends, the males in their social circles or associated with their social circle. Often one not too close, to avoid drama. And there a relationship develops.

Why? Not sure. People get drunk an stuff happens that wouldn't normally happen.
Or, the male falls in love and becomes desperate enough to ask the female out.

Welcome to PC.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I've felt this way many times in the past, and am feeling this way even a little bit, now. I don't really know how to answer your questions. I don't think you're "really that bad," though of course I don't know you, and I don't know what "that bad" means. You know, of course, that having a relationship with a married man is a dead end which leads only to heartbreak for both you and others. But all we want sometimes is affection, and that can sometimes drown out our best judgment.

Do you have a therapist whom you see on a regular basis? If so, it may be a good thing to explore some of the things you bring up, here. Abusive relationships, even if they were way in the past, tend to leave a whole host of relational issues with us. Sometimes it can mean that we aren't allowing ourselves to really let someone in, and so we go for men who aren't fully emotionally available (who are married, can't commit, live long distance, and etc).

Anyway, welcome, again to PC, and keep posting. There are wonderful people here.

Firstly, welcome to psychcentral

It's a great place to post and receive feedback.

You're not bad.

I don't even want to say the cliché 'you haven't met the right person' because you made a meaningful connection with that guy you met last year.

I think that meaningful relationships are important.

You've had some nasty experiences in the past.

Just don't give up hope that there's someone out there that you can rekindle that spark within you that yearns for affection.

I have never been in a relationship with someone. I wonder what it would feel like.

You still in your 20s. you are young. It's going to happen when the time is right

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I feel the same way. I am 26 and fear being alone forever. It is scary. I feel like I am getting too old