[mikeshobe007]

Hello everyone,

Thank you for reading my post. I am pleased to find a place like this where i can ask psychological and relationship related questions. Its satisfying to talk about things to people who would appreciate and give rational advise :-)

Here is my situation :

I am a 31 years old Muslim Asian male (born and raised in Asia, i do not practice Islam) dating a British born Hindu woman (31 years old) for one and half year in UK. We have a very sound relationship. She is a successful entrepreneur and I have a master degree with six years professional experience. We plan to settle down together in future.

As its said we have a healthy relationship, except the fact that I dont like she comes back home after 2AM from social activities. Of course its her choice but I just cant accept it. I do not stay out after 2 AM either. Its just my thing. I tried tell myself its OK, she needs space, but it didn't work. I get mad and start to break things ( eg, wine glass, mugs). I think i have an anger issue. Which needs to be sorted.I think I had developed it seeing my parents arguing and fighting a lot during my childhood and teenage period.

Jealousy! yes I am jealous to certain degree like everybody else but main issue is coming home late. I have talked about this with her a few times, she said she would change and try to come home early.But she is keep failing to do so.However I have notice that she going out less than before.

I was thinking is it related the way I brought up, if so how can I change my mentality? How can i accept the fact its ok for her to come home late? Am I expecting too much? Shall I end this relation and find a Muslim girl, hahaha. I have dated a few western women before, in Bangkok where I lived for 10 years. I faced similar problem. Or am i control freak?!!

I would really appreciate you guys share your opinion regarding this issue. I am kind of lost and I am really tired of fighting with her about this.

Thanks a lot guys.

:-)

Don't forget we're all a little messed up here...so you will get advice, but the real help has to come from a professional.

A therapist would have to help you figure out why you have trust and anger issues. And how to overcome them.

[mikeshobe007]

Thank you sophiesmom

So here are my thoughts, questions whatever...

Does she come home falling down, incoherent drunk?
Does she come home wasted on drugs?
Is she verbally or physically abusive?
Is she cheating?
Does she lie to you about where she has been?

If you said no to these then you are controlling. She isn't doing anything wrong!

But you are!

You trying to control her with your anger and jealousy will only push her away. I think that may already be part of the problem. Who wants to be around someone who tries to keep them on such a short leash?

Cultural or not. Reign it in man or you will lose her!

[healingme4me]

Certainly having a violent rage of throwing and breaking things is concerning.

Do you make sure that you have date nights? Do you both stay up until 2am?

If things are going well between you, her girls nights needn't be as concerning. Women need to be around other women, plain and simple.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by sophiesmom

Don't forget we're all a little messed up here...so you will get advice, but the real help has to come from a professional.

A therapist would have to help you figure out why you have trust and anger issues. And how to overcome them.

I am not sure why you are saying we all messed up here. People are on here for support in various aspects, which doesn't make us messed up. You don't know who people are and why they post here.


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[divine1966]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Certainly having a violent rage of throwing and breaking things is concerning.

Do you make sure that you have date nights? Do you both stay up until 2am?

If things are going well between you, her girls nights needn't be as concerning. Women need to be around other women, plain and simple.

Breaking things sounds worrisome. But I understand your concerns.

If my fiancée came home at 2am often, I'd be concerned. What does she do and where does she go that late? Are you ever invited to join her? You two might not be compatible. I don't stay up late and don't party much so I would have hard time with people who are out and about all night.

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Um, going out for dinner or a drink with chums is one thing, but 2am?????!!!!!!

Originally Posted by divine1966

I am not sure why you are saying we all messed up here. People are on here for support in various aspects, which doesn't make us messed up. You don't know who people are and why they post here.


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Everyone IS just a little bit messed up divine1966.....Nobody is perfect here, including you.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by sophiesmom

Everyone IS just a little bit messed up divine1966.....Nobody is perfect here, including you.

Of course not. I never said I am perfect. Overall calling people "messed up" is rubbing me the wrong way. I work with populations that have limitations. I wouldn't refer to them as messed up.

Your post made it sound that we can't properly advice on anything because we are messed up. Many people on here have training in specific areas that makes them qualify to provide assistance with certain things. Heck some people on here are doctors and therapists and I have masters pertaining to disabilities including mental illness. I certainly can advice

If we are too messed up to advice then why does PC even exist.

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[handheart]

Well i understand your jealosly i have also this but if its not make something wrong you must control yourself ,i know its hard but its not other solution .You see if was bad if was coming drunk home or suspect her that he heating you but if not of these hapens then you must understand her .Its her job

[mikeshobe007]

Originally Posted by Shawkat2009

So here are my thoughts, questions whatever...

Does she come home falling down, incoherent drunk?
Does she come home wasted on drugs?
Is she verbally or physically abusive?
Is she cheating?
Does she lie to you about where she has been?

If you said no to these then you are controlling. She isn't doing anything wrong!

But you are!

You trying to control her with your anger and jealousy will only push her away. I think that may already be part of the problem. Who wants to be around someone who tries to keep them on such a short leash?

Cultural or not. Reign it in man or you will lose her!

Thank you for your reply. I really appreciate it. I am sure she isnt doing anything wrong, like I admitted. How can I fix my problem then? I know there is something wrong with me, but how can i be less controlling person?

I am doing some research regarding this, but seems its not easy task to be achieved in over night

[mikeshobe007]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Certainly having a violent rage of throwing and breaking things is concerning.

Do you make sure that you have date nights? Do you both stay up until 2am?

If things are going well between you, her girls nights needn't be as concerning. Women need to be around other women, plain and simple.

Thank you for your reply. I appreciate it . Usually when I go out , I am home before 2 AM. Its been my practice for many years. My GF is hard working person, very social individual.

We have talked about this issue. She told me she would compromise but nothing has changed much. I cant really see future with her, if she keep coming back home at 4:30 AM. I could sleep at all when she is out, It makes me worried.

If I am control freak, how do I change myself?

[divine1966]

Honestly I don't see how you are a control freak. I don't know anyone who is ok with their loved ones showing up home at 4:30 am (unless they work night shift).

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[mikeshobe007]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Breaking things sounds worrisome. But I understand your concerns.

If my fiancée came home at 2am often, I'd be concerned. What does she do and where does she go that late? Are you ever invited to join her? You two might not be compatible. I don't stay up late and don't party much so I would have hard time with people who are out and about all night.

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Thank you for your reply. She is honest about her night out. She asks me to join her all the time and I know with who she goes out with. Its just the time, that pissed me off.

[Bill3]

What would you think of joining her, since she has invited you?

[divine1966]

You have right to be displeased. I do girl nights and outings and don't intend to stop but 4:30 is not the time I arrive home. That's actually close to when I get up for work. I don't know any adults who party like this all night. My daughter is in her 20s and is social but she isn't coming home at 4:30. This life style wouldn't work for most people. Especially if it is all the time.

I don't think the issue is jealousy. The issue is incompatible life style. I wouldn't live with or marry anyone who arrives home like this. I am not about to be woken up at all hours because somebody wants to party all night

I'd be done

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[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by mikeshobe007

Hello everyone,

Thank you for reading my post. I am pleased to find a place like this where i can ask psychological and relationship related questions. Its satisfying to talk about things to people who would appreciate and give rational advise :-)

Here is my situation :

I am a 31 years old Muslim Asian male (born and raised in Asia, i do not practice Islam) dating a British born Hindu woman (31 years old) for one and half year in UK. We have a very sound relationship. She is a successful entrepreneur and I have a master degree with six years professional experience. We plan to settle down together in future.

As its said we have a healthy relationship, except the fact that I dont like she comes back home after 2AM from social activities. Of course its her choice but I just cant accept it. I do not stay out after 2 AM either. Its just my thing. I tried tell myself its OK, she needs space, but it didn't work. I get mad and start to break things ( eg, wine glass, mugs). I think i have an anger issue. Which needs to be sorted.I think I had developed it seeing my parents arguing and fighting a lot during my childhood and teenage period.

Jealousy! yes I am jealous to certain degree like everybody else but main issue is coming home late. I have talked about this with her a few times, she said she would change and try to come home early.But she is keep failing to do so.However I have notice that she going out less than before.

I was thinking is it related the way I brought up, if so how can I change my mentality? How can i accept the fact its ok for her to come home late? Am I expecting too much? Shall I end this relation and find a Muslim girl, hahaha. I have dated a few western women before, in Bangkok where I lived for 10 years. I faced similar problem. Or am i control freak?!!

I would really appreciate you guys share your opinion regarding this issue. I am kind of lost and I am really tired of fighting with her about this.

Thanks a lot guys.

:-)

First of all I commend you on being self aware enough to note that this is not something you are blaming on her but looking at what you are doing and analyzing what it is that you're doing wrong. big step to change is to observe and realize when you are making mistakes.

Second, I think you know already that your behavior is, or at least bordering on controlling her. The anger you feel is resulting from the fact that in reality you know you shouldn't or can't control her in this area that stems from jealousy. question: are you angry that she comes home at the time she does or are you angry because of the jealousy that others are getting her time other than you and it just escalates things that she comes home so late, therefore it equates to even more time that others had with her rather than you? That could be the root of the problem in my mind but I could be wrong here. Just something to ponder.

As for jealousy. Jealousy is the opposite of trust. It removes the idea that the other person is capable of being faithful around other people. It assumes that in the face of other males or even other people, that they will choose the new person, whether a female friend or cheat on you with another male. it stems from our own insecurity that when they state 'I love you' or "you are my one and only" that it's not true. when we believe and truly trust our mate fully jealousy will dissipate.

I think that the first thing to do is talk with her. communication is the key here just like any conflict in a relationship. what are your needs, what can you do, or she do to give you more security without her sacrificing her right to go out as much as she wants? figure that out and without accusation or pointed words tell her. Be honest about your jealousy and tell her, be transparent in letting her know you realize this is something on you.. come to her in this manner and I believe, since she loves you, she will want to figure this out.

Also... work on accepting who she is here and now. this is all on you. Accept she's a social person that loves time out with the women. Likely it's something that attracted you initially but unfortunately many times we really are attracted to opposites and therefore after a time being together it can and many times does cause conflict because those things that make us go 'I want her" are the same things that are very different and missing in us. Come to a place where you truly love and accept her as she is. when you do, it will help get you on your way to defeating the anger and feelings causing your anger.

Just my thoughts and again, I may not be on track, but this is how I see it. HOpe it helps.