Think ex has lied about not seeing his child

My ex usually sees his daughter after school on Wednesday and they go for dinner and he also sees her one day at the weekend.

He rearranged this week and saw her on Monday as said he had a doctor appointment Wednesday so had to swap.

My daughter likes to call him to speak to him most days and she called him Wednesday evening and his phone was off so I suggested speaking to him this morning before school.

When she phoned this morning his phone rang with an international long ringing tone which tell me he went last night instead of Friday as he told me.

I'm so angry he lied to me and her. He said he was going on a stag weekend but I don't know why he couldn't tell me the days he was going so our daughter knew and I know there is nothing I can do i just feel for her as she didn't know why he couldn't speak to her. I just said he was busy

Just to add...

The reason we are not together is because of his drug abuse and lies (sarcastic laugh) and I'm only assuming he's back earlier than he said and he knows he'll be too out of it to see her

I'm bombarding my own thread here lol

I just called my dad about it and he said I can't assume and have to go by his word that he's back on Monday. And also that if he's back earlier, maybe he's being KIND to my daughter by saying he's back Monday as he know he won't be able to care for her???!!!

Seriously, what.

well for one thing, he's an ex for the same reasons you're allowing him to continue to anger you. One thing I told someone I know about jobs and people that she conflicts with everytime. I said there will be certain things that happen in the work place that you can expect. everytime. If you change your thinking to know what to expect, accept that it is this way... you can adjust your own behavior to handle it better. how does this apply?

Well you know he lies. You know he does drugs and he, I assume, has been inconsistent with things and deceitful. Knowing this, you can't change him as you already are aware of I'm sure but you can adjust your thinking and behavior by accepting he is this way and from there you deal with how you handle it and how you help your child handle it better.

When you get angry it comes from the idea that you wish he'd change so that it would be easier but truth is, you can't make that happen, you can only control things within you. When you accept and/or assume this is what he is and it likely won't change, the frustration and anger should lessen. I say lessen because it will likely still exist but at a level that is more bearable. Like with my ex, she has always been and always will be a late person. if x o'clock is the time she is supposed to arrive almost invariably she will be there at the very least 30 min after set time. knowing this, I still get angry but it's not nearly as bad as when I was trying so hard to make her be ontime or in my mind wanting that to happen.

So from there you can talk to your daughter and explain that and try to make sure she understands it's how he is and not a reflection of her or her worth. That's all you can do. don't make a huge deal out of it because it only serves to make you both more angry and if you just let it be... you can "sigh" and just go 'yeah, this is how he is...' kind of thing.

I hope this helps.

Thank you.

It's just so hard now as its a lie to his own child. He can say whatever to me and I just think, as you said 'that's how he is' bit it's the lie to his daughter about not seeing her at the weekend and the fact she won't see him for over a week

well it is different and I understand your feeling but the part that remains the same is that you still cannot make him do anything differently. thats why you go out of your way to talk to her and make sure she understands that this is all on him.

I can't crush her tho. She idolises him and I just make excuses so she doesn't think badly of him or of me for saying those things to her

I am having a little trouble following. I think you are saying that he left earlier than he said, and so you are thinking that he will also be home earlier than he said but he won't see your daughter even though he is home earlier.

How accurate is that?

Exactly it

In that case, I am with your dad (makes sense, right, with me being an older dad myself? ).

Really?

I feel with his comment that he's taking my ex's side? If that's what he thinks then that's fine but he didn't need to say it to me. I would have like some supportive words. It was as it he was justifying his lying

Well I thought your dad was saying that we don't know the truth just yet, so let's wait to see what actually happens, when your ex actually returns.

I agree with you that the part where your dad says that maybe your ex is being kind because he is going to be wasted anyways does sound like justifying lying (if your ex is in fact lying).

I wonder if he is still abusing drugs and was in no shape to see your daughter? I am just speculating here. My ex was and is notorious forgetting and mixing up things. It was a pain in a neck and he isn't even a lair of drug abuser, yet it was a pain to make arrangements properly. Heck he almost bought plane tickets for her college graduation for the wrong date! It is a special kind of thing to co parent after divorce. Hang in there. I know it's tough

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When my daughters father and I divorced he made many promises and he just didnt always follow through.. It was hell seeing my daughter age 6 or more be let down over and over.

My Therapist finally got me to realize that I HAD NO CONTROL over what he did or didnt do, or forget etc.

I just made sure that my daughter knew I loved her and if she ever needed me I was right there for her. I was angry at him, My anger didn't help me or my daughter. So I quit getting angry over it. It is what is it.

I dont know how old your daughter is . But by the time my daughter hit about 10 she figured out how her dad was and made peace with the fact that he wasnt always going to do and be what she would like him to be.

This is exactly it as he's done it before. But instead of being honest to me and her he just lies.

He hardly sees her anyway and it upsets me for her that the only time he could potentially see her this weekend (if he's back) he can't because he'd rather do a load of drugs.

I wish there was something I could do

He is. My friend saw his Facebook and they checked in at the airport on Wednesday afternoon. He told us he couldn't take her for dinner that evening as he was going to a doctor appointment which was a lie.

My parents aren't over our break up. My mum still sings his praises of his much of a wonderful father he is. The reality is, he isn't

Thank you, she's young but not 10 for a few years.

She knows I'm always there for her, I tell her that no matter what I'm always here and will always love her with my whole heart. She knows this. She gets angry when she comes back from visiting him and takes that anger out on me. I feel for her as its hard for her understand it all. We've been apart for years and she knows we are no longer together but we love her.

Some night she asks me why doesn't daddy see her more? Does he not love her. My heart breaks for her every time

I am sorry you and your child are hurting. I have this question for you though if he does drugs should he even see her unsupervised?

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Thanks for explaining the context in which this specific situation came up. It sounds like your parents tend to take his side and have an unrealistic and inaccurate view of him. This must be very hard for you to accept when first of all as your parents you would like and expect their support and second when you see how harmful and deceptive he actually is but they cannot or will not see that. In a sense they are enabling him. What happens when you speak to them about him and his behaviour?

I hate when parents do that. Mine were not too happy I left my ex ( not my daughters husband) and were pretty inappropriate about it up to the point of my sister in law hysterically crying and saying she is going to continue inviting him over to family events. So unsupportive. Hang in there

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I've previously posted about it. She send a birthday card to me addressed as my married name and she even told my uncle who is updating out family tree to put him on here and this was very recently.

I can't seem to make them see him for who he is. My thinks the sun shines out of his backside but she knows everything that's happened the way they act make my skin crawl

Oh I remember now. It's so appalling. I mean I don't think they need to bad mouth him but at least support you in your decision. That's tough.

My parents were first unhappy I refused to marry my ex ( he is an alcoholic), they then didn't understand why drinking bothers me ( like because he is functioning and has a great career and is a very nice person and loves me I shouldn't be upset about his drinking). Until someone lived with alcoholic no matter how functioning and how much they love you , they can't even relate. When he didn't drink I used to worry he'll start again etc

I now live in perpetual bliss after 9 years of worrying about someone's drinking.

My family is accepting of my fiancée but don't gush over him the way they did with my ex. My sister in law is the most bizarre of them all obsessing over my ex. They are nice to my fiancée but frankly kind of aloof. Yet they were all over my alcoholic ex. Oh well. Families could be tough

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