[wizardy]

Hello,
first of all, sorry for my english as Im not native speaker. I would like to tell you about my problem because I cant talk to anybody in real life about it so I have to do it anonymously. Im 24 years old, student in medical university and I have quite good job so no problems in financial way but money never made me happy. I have really big problems with self confidence and I cant stop hating myself since few years ago when I had mental breakdown and atempted suicide. Its getting worse and worse and its like on roller coaster (ups and downs). Iv met girl (online) many years ago but we have started dating only few months ago because we couldnt find courage to meet each other and confess in love. Problem is, she doesnt know about my depressions and she sees me as confident and happy person because that who Im when Im next to her. I really love her which I never did before and its getting stronger and stronger. She also have problems with self confidence and depression even worse then I do and since I know her Im trying to help her to get out of it. I dont want her to feel same way as I do, and I will do anything for it. Thats why I didnt tell her anything. I should be strong for her and make her the happiest girl on planet which Im trying all the time. She says, that Im really helping her and that she is very lucky having me but my mind says something different Im not good enought for her, she should be with someone better. Leave her if you truly love her. My mind is constantly screaming on that Im harming her because she is dating somebody like me I cant leave her because it would break her heart neither stay with her because she deserves better. I just want her to be happy, thats all. I would be really glad to see her with somebody else who would make her happy or if I could take care of her without her knowing about me I would like to die but I cant kill myself because it will do damage to some people, who are close to me, even if there arent many of them but I cant let them suffer because of me. And also I cant live at the same time. Im trapped in cage and there is no way out for me I just want to not exist. Never be born.... Should I tell her about my problems? Do you think it will hurt her? It wont help me anyhow, Im sure about it. I just feel like im lying her, but Iv never pretended to be anybody else. Im just totaly different when Im close to her.

Thanks for reading. Maybe I just needed to write it out of me.

[Skeezyks]

Hello wizardy: Welcome to PsychCentral... from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

You know... I am where you are a lot of the time. What your brain is telling you is depression talking. And depression can be treated. Personally, I think it would be fine to share how you feel with your girlfriend. But I also think you may well be correct. It may not change anything to a significant degree. What you need is therapy. And if that isn't sufficient, then perhaps antidepressants. (Assuming that these things are available to you where you live.) You mentioned that you attempted suicide once before. Statistically, this makes it more likely that you may try again. (I've done so.) It's important to acknowledge you're ill & to reach out, in real life, for the help you need. But also keep posting here on PC. It can help too!

It is true, I believe, that when one person who struggles with depression becomes involved with someone else who also struggles with depression, the whole situation becomes more complicated. On the other hand, the "up-side" of this is that you can understand & hopefully support one another. It's just important that you both acknowledge your individual struggles & commit to doing what is necessary to succeed as a couple. From what you wrote, it sounds to me as though you & your girlfriend are lucky to have each other. This is a rare gift. Please don't throw it away! I don't know what it was that caused you to attempt suicide to begin with. But you're young, you apparently have a good job, & a wonderful budding relationship. That's a lot to live for & to be celebrated!

I send healing thoughts your way with the hope that you will be able to find the strength to overcome...

[wizardy]

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

Hello wizardy: Welcome to PsychCentral... from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

You know... I am where you are a lot of the time. What your brain is telling you is depression talking. And depression can be treated. Personally, I think it would be fine to share how you feel with your girlfriend. But I also think you may well be correct. It may not change anything to a significant degree. What you need is therapy. And if that isn't sufficient, then perhaps antidepressants. (Assuming that these things are available to you where you live.) You mentioned that you attempted suicide once before. Statistically, this makes it more likely that you may try again. (I've done so.) It's important to acknowledge you're ill & to reach out, in real life, for the help you need. But also keep posting here on PC. It can help too!

It is true, I believe, that when one person who struggles with depression becomes involved with someone else who also struggles with depression, the whole situation becomes more complicated. On the other hand, the "up-side" of this is that you can understand & hopefully support one another. It's just important that you both acknowledge your individual struggles & commit to doing what is necessary to succeed as a couple. From what you wrote, it sounds to me as though you & your girlfriend are lucky to have each other. This is a rare gift. Please don't throw it away! I don't know what it was that caused you to attempt suicide to begin with. But you're young, you apparently have a good job, & a wonderful budding relationship. That's a lot to live for & to be celebrated!

I send healing thoughts your way with the hope that you will be able to find the strength to overcome...

Hello,
thanks for your reply, it really helped me that somebody actualy put effort in reading and thinking about it.

Yes, I do agree with you and I know I have problem so Iv made an appointment and hope it will help me somehow. Iv suggested to my GF this some time ago but she is scared about what people would think about her. That difference betwean us. She is "sad" because of society harming her and making her feel this way and and her childhood, which left scars on her soul. Im because of my brain telling me this. I dont personally care what others think about me, if its not person who is important to me. Writing here helped me because now I dont feel like Im totaly alone in it. It does but it helps me to focus on somebody else and dedicate my life and effort to her so at least she can be happy. It sounds pretty selfish but it help us both. I would never want to leave her and let her alone but those deamons in my head are such a pain in.... lower back.

In some point of my life Iv lost everything which kept me going on and fight. There was nothing to live for anymore so I wanted to end it up. I couldnt and when I saw how much it hurt my family Iv decieded to not do it anymore so now I cant kill myself even if I wanted it really much. I cant do it to them. I always knew before it, that there is way out (death) and I can quit anytime I want, now this road is closed (suicide one) for me. I will see what specialist will tell me next week.

Thank you again, I will keep fighting for her and me too.