[xRavenx]

Do you sometimes end up in relationships where you keep ignoring the bad points in the relationship (or character flaws), but you keep holding on to what you like about them and what you HOPE they will be? I feel that I am falling into that trap and was wondering if anyone has advice or input. Any replies are appreciated. Thanks.

[Imokay2]

I think in the beginning it's easy to do, just take your time getting to know them, spread the visiting out no matter how much you want to spend time with them, so that you can really see who they are over a period of time. The ones who rush you are the ones to look out for, they know what their problems are - but don't want you to until they get something that they want from you, if you make them prove themselves then either-a person will prove themselves good for you, and worth the pedestal. Or not.

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[~Christina]

What stage in the relationship are you at .. Just dating?

If your just dating .. take a step back..If you are already questioning how and who he really is.... well keep in mind people often are just who they are going to be and have no need or want to change...

Your head is seeing a red flag if your questioning this.. Pay close attention

Good luck

[Crazy Hitch]

Some relationships are toxic.

I don't know enough to comment because I don't quite know how "bad" their bad points are. For instance, my boyfriend slurps every time he's drinking coffee and it annoys the hell out of me.

But if you're talking about bad points as in, someone who is abusive or controlling or who makes you lose a part of your identity - that is not a bad point I'd "over look" no matter how good the good times may be.

[Trippin2.0]

I did that in my previous relationship, but I was young and stupid and he was my first bf, so I'm completely forgiven, for that almost fatal error.


My remedy?


I don't date potential.


Just No!


My bf is as he should be (with obvious room for improvement as we all are), but I'm not closing my eyes to things I wish were different or ways in which he'd mature or change.


He doesn't have the potential to be an awesome friend, partner and father, he already is all of that.


So yeah, that was my remedy and I swear by it, "No dating potential".

[Nimportequoi]

I know this very well. It seems like I'm an unlucky wanderer, I'm going from relationship to relationship, hoping that this time I won't be disappointed, or at least not hurt, but it never happens. If I have doubts about the other person, I try to negate them, because I think it can't be true there are only disappointing and neglegting people out there, so it must be my own imagination/perception. But then the other person does something which finally makes it completely un-denyable they're as bad as I percieved them. It might be MI which makes experience like that, but IDK, that's what happens as far as I can tell.
...you open your heart to someone, full of hope, and then you get disappointed...

[Imokay2]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

I did that in my previous relationship, but I was young and stupid and he was my first bf, so I'm completely forgiven, for that almost fatal error.


My remedy?


I don't date potential.


Just No!


My bf is as he should be (with obvious room for improvement as we all are), but I'm not closing my eyes to things I wish were different or ways in which he'd mature or change.


He doesn't have the potential to be an awesome friend, partner and father, he already is all of that.


So yeah, that was my remedy and I swear by it, "No dating potential".

Do you mean that you don't want to date someone who has room for improvement, or they could potentially be something better in your opinion, or do you mean you don't want to date someone that you feel strongly attracted to, like you could imagine them as a potential partner?

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[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by Imokay2

Do you mean that you don't want to date someone who has room for improvement, or they could potentially be something better in your opinion, or do you mean you don't want to date someone that you feel strongly attracted to, like you could imagine them as a potential partner?

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My post clearly states there's room for improvement, or growth, as with everyone, because nobody is perfect.


And I don't understand your second question at all.


I will attempt to be more clear.


My ex bf had the potential to be awesome, but he was mediocre at best, and in the end absurdly abusive.


When I looked at him I thought, "you have a potentially bright future ahead of you, you're smart but if only you could learn to apply yourself, and acquire some drive, some motivation, some ambition". Etc etc


"You have the potential to be a great dad, once you stop partying and grow up a little"


My point being, he had the potential to be the entire package, its what kept my hope for a future with him alive, but never "grew into it". Instead his good characteristics diminished over time, so I was left with even less than what I started off with.


And no, I did not attempt to change him, or mould him into what I wanted, like I said, I saw the potential for an even better version of him, that I could build a good life with.


And that was my mistake.


So instead, I now have a bf who already is everything I want in a man. He's an awesome father to my daughter (better than her own sperm donor ever was) he's a reliable friend, a trustworthy and committed partner, he's ambitious, and knows what he wants out of life, with the drive to get it.


Obviously he's by no means perfect, but he's perfect for me.


Hope that clarifies my "Don't date potential" life lesson I learned. The hard way, might I add.

[Imokay2]

Yes, I should hold back from posting before my first coffee! Sorry I missed your point the first time. It makes good sense.
Thanks for clarifying.

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[Trippin2.0]

No worries