Am I over-reacting? But seriously what the hell

I've had a longggg week finalising report writing for my students and had barely slept. Saturday I was meeting his parents for the first time. He drives us there. Takes about an hour. But.

Halfway there we were stopped at a red light. The light was still red, at a major intersection, when he just started driving straight through it! What the hell. I thought as I realised he was over the line (I was stunned and frozen) if I shout out right now he might slam on brakes in the middle of the intersection. When he'd just got through I screamed at him - "What the hell were you thinking!?!?!? You've just gone through a red light!!" I was still in disbelief.

And angry at his very first comment ... "Oh I didn't see a camera" WHAT What about my kids! I told him it has NOTHING to do with whether or not there was a camera and he gets a fine.

And it's not the first time in 3 months he's been in seriously crazy "car" things.

Once he almost swiped a pedestrian crossing a road where the pedestrian had right of way and I had to yell out to him to stop.

Another time he turned right where he should have stopped with an oncoming car already travelling - we would totally have T-boned the car. His response? "I didn't even see the car coming".

He's always done the driving when we've gone out. But I'm now ready to tell him - sorry, I'm just too nervous to be a passenger in your car. Do you mind if I take over the driving when we go out? I don't want to offend him. I had to "downplay" it because as soon as we got to the venue I had to meet his parents and I was worried his parents may get the wrong impression of me if they knew we'd just had a spat on our way there (we've never had an argument).

Should I tell him (I basically don't want to get in his car ever again?!

And I think he kinda had the cheek at the venue to turn around and say to me, "But haven't you had near miss accidents that you nearly caused?"

Um. No.

"Did Axxxxx nearly have accidents then?"

Don't know what it has to do with my ex husband.

I wanted to tell him to pull the car over I can't be in the same car as him but knew I couldn't because we were on our way to meet his folks for the first time

You are not overreacting.

One option would be to bring it up with him at a calm time (not right after an incident) and in a calm manner.

True. I want to. I'm just nervous because I've picked up he seems a really sensitive person. If the roles were reversed I'd probably take offense, having said that, I haven't done what he's done.

No, you are not over reacting. I certainly wouldn't let my kids get in the car with him. I'm not sure what I would do now... I think I would tell him 'if that's the way you drive, I can't ride with you'. That's going to put a serious cramp in your relationship. But what an inconsiderate d**k, to just drive like that. He could kill somebody!

Exactly. It's the personal safety aspect - which is the first thing I said to him after he mentioned the camera and a fine. That was frankly the least of my concerns and I'm surprised it was his first thought.

I think he's showing you his true colors.

Watch closely and proceed with caution!

They most likely will bleed on over into other aspects of the relationship.

Sincerely,
Pfrog!

My husband drives really aggressively. If he has to be somewhere at a certain time, he'll always wait until the last minute to leave and then speed. I lie to him about when we need to be somewhere so we leave earlier.

There were a few times that he drove over 100 mph with me on trips. Amazingly, not getting stopped by police. I held my tongue and let him do it. Boys and toys.

Yes, it's like a sense of privilege. Like the laws don't pertain to them. They don't care if they kill some innocent by stander.

So far *touch wood* I haven't noticed other aspects in the relationship

I'd probably use the same strategy if I picked up a pattern of speeding because I think it's good one. I did notice him speeding, just once, and said to him woahhhh it's 30km an hour around here!!! (he was going 50 = 30mph) <- very windy narrow road in a scenic forest area with lots of "road tourists" and windy bends

I shudder at the thought of him doing it as a sense of privilege ... that's worse than I would have imagined (it came off as highly negligent, like he didn't fully grasp the magnitude of how serious it was)

Maybe women have a motherly instinct and just think more about other people, and men really get off on driving their muscle machines.

My first thought has always been my kids if anything were to happen to me.

Come to think of it, I've had some wild rides with men in cars, boats, and planes!

It sounds to me like he is "conditioning" you. He is making you realize he is in control of you and your children and you are limited on what you say to him or others. In effect, he is isolating you by making sure he will appear to be "the perfect guy" to everyone around you so if you ever do choose to say anything you will get a response similar to "well what did you do to him first?" or "yea, right - he'd never do that - why are you saying such things?" He is also at the same time introducing you to feeling powerless so you will think it is just you as time continues. Also - he is causing you to question your emotions and reactions to look for "blame" in yourself rather than him. This is all conditioning for an abusive partner. I would highly recommend to stop the relationship before it goes further. I have been in many abusive relationships - it is not something you want or need especially witg you having children. Don't worry about offending him - just make up some reason to end things and leave.

If you have doubts that it is an abusive or controlling relationship - here are two links to analyze it out:

(to look just for controlling relationship)
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...is-controlling

(to look for abuse signs)
Domestic Violence and Abuse: Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships

Just be careful
*hugs*

Sure. I'm more protective of them, than I am myself.

Lol well that takes me back to rather dodgy lifts in my teenage years

In his defense, he
1. Started going through a light just before it turned green, but the oncoming traffic was stopped.
2. Cut off a pedestrian in a walkway. (My husband always does that, not saying he's right and that he's not abusive...)
3. Turned right when he didn't see oncoming traffic (a near accident)

Thank you, I will look at the links.

I'm not ready to call it a day with him. He has his quirks and this was something rather unlike a quirk. Apart from the really ****** driving and bizarre thinking afterwards I don't think I've seen anything else. And I HOPE I don't see anything else.

At very least I'm going to do the "Don't worry I'll drive us there."

Although I do confess I googled the demerit points. Had he been caught by cops he'd have lost 6 demerit points for that here in Aus (after 12 you lose your licence to drive for 6 months)

I don't get in a car with my dad. He is probably the most aggressive driver I have ever met. There are other aggressive drivers in my family. It always sips in other aspects of their character: not pleasant ones. How men drive is something I look into when I start dating. Reckless driving is a red flag.

We take turns driving with my fiancée . Why is your BF always driving? Is he matcho controlling type that doesn't let women drive?

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Yes, we had stopped when he was approaching because the light was red. We were probably stopped for 10 seconds (it's a major intersection) then he took off when the light was red and it didn't turn green the whole way through.

I don't know why he always drives.

I remember the first time we went to the movies. I met him at his place. And he did actually say, "Who's driving? Do you want me to drive?" And I told him sure. And he's driven ever since. My ex husband always drove, for no particular reason, so I didn't, initially, see it as a problem.