[RichardBrooks]

This is a bit of a long post, but there's a lot of backstory here. I met my best friend in college; we hit it off immediately and kind of fell into a relationship. About two months in, she told me she was gay, and we ended the relationship but remained friends. Over the years we have grown closer, and about a year and a half ago we moved in together… and we have been the perfect roommates until about two months ago.

She started a new job and was working 50 - 60 hours a week. About this time, I started noticing some issues… well, I had been noticing small things for almost a year, but now they were getting bigger and more noticeable: basically, my autistic symptoms seemed to be getting worse, and new ones were developing. I talked to my doctor, after some questionnaires and medical tests, the result was that my autism is indeed getting worse… which is not supposed to happen, but apparently can in someone with a history of concussion and brain trauma.

So my friend started making friends at work and making plans with them that mostly involved partying and drinking, and I really never had a chance to talk to her about what was happening with me, because we would see each other for maybe 10 minutes a day except on Sunday when she was usually hung over. Then I had a friend and an aunt die within two days of each other… and my friend still kept to her partying… even though I had by this time been able to tell about the medical news and how scared I was. On the same day I told her about the first funeral, she was upset I wasn't happy for her because she had a gotten a boyfriend. (Yes, my lesbian friend who I marched beside in marriage equality rallies and pride parades now dates guys.)

I've been pretty upset, but Thursday, my friend said she knew I needed to get out and de-stress, and asked if I wanted to go bowling with her and a couple of her work friends Saturday night. Now, because of my autism, there is a lot I can't handle because of sensory overload… I don't go out much because of the lighting, noise, crowds… the list goes on. Also, I am 11 years sober, so bars and clubs aren't really my thing anyway. But bowling sounded okay… I actually like to bowl, and it was a small group, so I accepted the invitation.

So we drive to a town 30 miles away, pick up one of her friends, stop at a restaurant… and then we go to a bar. I spent nearly 4 hours all told on the verge of autistic meltdown from sensory overload… the way this manifests for me is so similar to a panic attack that I was diagnosed with panic disorder prior to being diagnosed with aspergers. I was able to call my brother who picked me up (he also lives roughly thirty miles away from this place) and took me home.

My friend acted surprised that this place had this effect on me… despite knowing that I am autistic and in recovery. She said she thought she told me that the bowling alley actually meant the bar next door to the bowling alley. It was only after I was home that I remembered her putting socks in her purse before we left specifically to wear with the bowling shoes. Even one of the guys we met at the bar kept asking why we weren't bowling.

When she made the invitation, she said she might ask me to drive home because she might have a couple of drinks at the bowling alley… I didn't think anything of this because many bowling alleys do serve drinks. Now I feel as if I was misled because she wanted a designated driver… or… I honestly don't know why… but my needs, my sobriety, my condition seemed to mean nothing to her at all. And it's honesty got me questioning the friendship altogether.

I think you need to evaluate the difference between being friends and being roommates.

[TishaBuv]

I wouldn't end the friendship, but I don't think your needs are getting met by living with her as a roommate. Especially since you had feelings for her romantically, she turned gay, and now she is with another man.

[MistressStayc]

I don't think you need to necessarily end the friendship but more come to terms with the fact that the nature and level of your friendship has changed, especially on her end. It doesn't appear she values you as a friend the way she maybe once did. I do not think you should invest as much time and energy into this relationship as you might have done in the past because it appears it will not be reciprocated.

It is very hard to deal with when friends disappoint us and do not hold up their end of the friendship but does that mean she does not have any place in your life other than room mate? This something you need to ask yourself and try to communicate to her when you do decide.

People change and friendships change as a result. Who knows what the future holds for you two, things may come full circle and you will end up being close again but for now you might need to keep your emotional distance. Only you can decide what works best for you just give it alot of thought.

Wow, it sounds like maybe she wasn't as good of a friend as you thought she was in the beginning? The fact that she KNOWS about your sobriety, and that she also knows about your autism, yet she didn't care about either, and invited you to a bar anyways are obvious red flags.

It does sound like she misled you into believing that you would be going bowling with her. And you're probably right about her wanting a sober driver. And the fact that she didn't care about trying to console you after the death of a friend and an aunt is another red flag that's even more troubling and disturbing.

It sounds like she is party person and that she has a different way of dealing with things then you do. She's more of the fun party type, and you're more serious. The fact that she changed her sexual preference isn't a big deal. Once someone comes out, they don't have stick to being that way permanently. If they're not sure of things, maybe just state that they're bi instead of a lesbian to avoid confusion maybe? Idk. That to me would not matter that much.

Those other things are definite red flags. IF she is a good responsible roommate who pays her rent on time and who obeys your rules, then fine, keep her as a roommate if you like. If not, then find another roommate.

If I were you, I'd talk to her about how you feel. If she listens, great, if not, then it's time to let her go. Especially if this isn't the first time that she's disappointed you. Talk to her in private with no one around.

Let her know as calmly as you can that you were expecting her to be more supportive of you when you were grieving and that it hurt you when she wasn't there for you. Also make it clear to her that you are serious about staying sober and that you have no interest in going to bars. Let her know that you were fine with bowling, but when that invite changed, you weren't OK with things.

Tell her if that is she indeed needed a d.d that night, then she should've asked another friend out, or that she should call Lyft or Uber next time for a ride home. Don't let yourself be used by people. They'll just keep on using you again again if you let them get away with their bad behaviour.

Whatever you do, it's best for your to keep emotional distance from her. She is not what I'd call a good friend anymore. Sorry to say that, but she isn't. She sounds immature and selfish to me. You deserve better friends than that. You shouldn't settle for friends due to having issues.