[Hans_Olo]

I don't know what to do. My relationship with my mom had become very bad as of lately. She told me that my negativity and bad mood is killing her. The last few days we've been quarelling every time I come home. I immediately try to go to the furthest room or go jogging but she follows me eager to know how I feel. She wants to see me shining from happiness, but it's not for me. I'm very anxious about my mom's wellbeing and asked her to care more about her health. Now she uses that against me in every conversation. She tells me my good mood is her only requirement for her health and that I'm killing her. The curious thing is that I was rather depressed a month ago and since then I'm so much better. She says I come home everyday with only negativity. I don't know what to do. I considered stopping my communications with her or moving away(which isn't really possible). She is the only person I've ever cared about and my very existence seems to be harming her. I could just lie, but I hate it and it doesn't work on my mom. What should I do?

[Skeezyks]

Hello Hans_Olo: I'm sorry you are having this difficulty. I'm an older person. But I have a similar problem with my wife. She really doesn't want to know anything about my mental health struggles. All she wants (& all she wants to hear about) is for me to be happy... whether I am or not. She really doesn't care what's going on, on the inside, as long as it doesn't show on the outside. She doesn't tell me I'm killing her. But she takes on this air of what I'll call: "frustrated concern" anytime I seem to be not doing well. (She probably doesn't even realize she's doing it...)

I don't really know what one does about this. My answer has been to simply hide what's going on with me as much as possible. It's tough because I don't see a therapist or have friends I can talk to. Occasionally my wife will sense that I'm "under the weather" so to speak. She'll ask me if I'm okay. I just say: "Yes." or: "I'm just tired." I know she doesn't really want to know. She just wants me to reassure her that I'm okay. So that's what I do. One thing I find is, if I keep busy, that seems to satisfy her I'm okay. So I try to have something going on most of the time.

You know, of course, you are not responsible for how your mother feels. It's not your responsibility to radiate happiness just because she chooses to try to guilt you into a state of outward happiness. She's holding you hostage by telling you that if you don't shape up it's going to kill her. When you think about it... that really is dreadful! On the other hand, I do believe that those of us who struggle with mental health issues have to realize that the people around us... both family & friends... have their limits in terms of how much of our mental health issues they can endure. So be it through therapy, psych med's, or just gutting it out day-in & day-out, or some combination of the three, we have to find a way to avoid overburdening them with our depression, anxiety, or what-have-you.

Anyway... these are my thoughts with regard to your dilemma. Thanks for posting this. It made me think...

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Hans_Olo

I don't know what to do. My relationship with my mom had become very bad as of lately. She told me that my negativity and bad mood is killing her. The last few days we've been quarelling every time I come home. I immediately try to go to the furthest room or go jogging but she follows me eager to know how I feel. She wants to see me shining from happiness, but it's not for me. I'm very anxious about my mom's wellbeing and asked her to care more about her health. Now she uses that against me in every conversation. She tells me my good mood is her only requirement for her health and that I'm killing her. The curious thing is that I was rather depressed a month ago and since then I'm so much better. She says I come home everyday with only negativity. I don't know what to do. I considered stopping my communications with her or moving away(which isn't really possible). She is the only person I've ever cared about and my very existence seems to be harming her. I could just lie, but I hate it and it doesn't work on my mom. What should I do?

Im sorry but we can not tell you what you should do, only you know what you should do, what will help you and your moms relationship.

on the other hand we can tell you what helps ourselves with family relationships...

when someone tells me their life depends upon my moods I laugh and say something like so if i jump of a bridge does that mean you will too? that usually shocks them into saying "what?!" then i say your happiness should depend upon you and your own life not on what my life and happiness is. then I use some contrasting examples....I like this you dont like it, you like this and I cant stand it. we are family and nothing changes that but we can also be individuals with our own lives too. my plans for today are..... whats your plans for today? one part of when people get emeshed / dependancy on each other's happiness is because of loneliness, just needing a bit of attention. so i take time each day checking in with that person on how things are going for them, whether theres something I can help them with, make plans where we can do things together...

one thing I noticed with family who have older children is that parents never stop worrying about their child even when that child is an adult. they go through a problem called the empty nest where they feel like their child is leaving them, that their relationship is going down hill, that they (the parent ) is all alone and gosh dang it why wont that child of mine talk with me now that they are an adult. the result of all this worry is that the parents happiness level goes down.

one thing my own treatment provider told me about this was remember your parent put their life on hold to spend 18, 20 what have you years invested in you, so of course when its time to start letting go, its going to be hard for them to switch mindsets to where their own happiness doesnt depend upon making their childs meals, getting that child things they like, making sure their child is mentally and physically happy/well.

my suggestion instead of avoiding your mom, spend some time with her talking about the good things in your life. when your mom sees you are fine and still part of her life maybe she will be able to forge her own life that is also separate from you.

Originally Posted by Hans_Olo

I don't know what to do. My relationship with my mom had become very bad as of lately. She told me that my negativity and bad mood is killing her. The last few days we've been quarelling every time I come home. I immediately try to go to the furthest room or go jogging but she follows me eager to know how I feel. She wants to see me shining from happiness, but it's not for me. I'm very anxious about my mom's wellbeing and asked her to care more about her health. Now she uses that against me in every conversation. She tells me my good mood is her only requirement for her health and that I'm killing her. The curious thing is that I was rather depressed a month ago and since then I'm so much better. She says I come home everyday with only negativity. I don't know what to do. I considered stopping my communications with her or moving away(which isn't really possible). She is the only person I've ever cared about and my very existence seems to be harming her. I could just lie, but I hate it and it doesn't work on my mom. What should I do?

My father has annoyed me enormously under the excuse that he cares for me. Maybe he is right. But I think parents need to be more subtle and wise in approaching their children. I won't cut a relationship with my dad because of his continuous annoyance. My suggestion is to try to get along as much as possible until you can move out. Independence is a good thing for both of you. Again, why is she so worried about you?

[Hans_Olo]

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

Hello Hans_Olo: I'm sorry you are having this difficulty. I'm an older person. But I have a similar problem with my wife. She really doesn't want to know anything about my mental health struggles. All she wants (& all she wants to hear about) is for me to be happy... whether I am or not. She really doesn't care what's going on, on the inside, as long as it doesn't show on the outside. She doesn't tell me I'm killing her. But she takes on this air of what I'll call: "frustrated concern" anytime I seem to be not doing well. (She probably doesn't even realize she's doing it...)

I don't really know what one does about this. My answer has been to simply hide what's going on with me as much as possible. It's tough because I don't see a therapist or have friends I can talk to. Occasionally my wife will sense that I'm "under the weather" so to speak. She'll ask me if I'm okay. I just say: "Yes." or: "I'm just tired." I know she doesn't really want to know. She just wants me to reassure her that I'm okay. So that's what I do. One thing I find is, if I keep busy, that seems to satisfy her I'm okay. So I try to have something going on most of the time.

You know, of course, you are not responsible for how your mother feels. It's not your responsibility to radiate happiness just because she chooses to try to guilt you into a state of outward happiness. She's holding you hostage by telling you that if you don't shape up it's going to kill her. When you think about it... that really is dreadful! On the other hand, I do believe that those of us who struggle with mental health issues have to realize that the people around us... both family & friends... have their limits in terms of how much of our mental health issues they can endure. So be it through therapy, psych med's, or just gutting it out day-in & day-out, or some combination of the three, we have to find a way to avoid overburdening them with our depression, anxiety, or what-have-you.

Anyway... these are my thoughts with regard to your dilemma. Thanks for posting this. It made me think...

Sorry to hear about your situation.

I don't think that my mom holds me hostage, it's more like she holds herself hostage. I think she sincerely cares for me and wishes me to be happy. But it's like drug to her. She told me that when I'm hurt she hurts ten times that. Probably, she is unhappy/depressed, but she is a kind of person who would never seek help. She says that a person 100% controls one's mood and if you decide to be happy, build a wall against negative thoughts, you will be happy. It's her life philosophy, I guess. I'll try to spend some time with her and try to be more supportive and optimistic. Maybe it's time to fake some euphoria.

i wish i could offer you some advice.

me and my parents don't talk anymore, so i can't really say what's best.

but good luck with it

((((hugs))))

[nicoleflynn]

She is using emotional blackmail. NOone's mental health depends on another person.

[healingme4me]

There's some great responses here. I don't know what advice to offer. Acknowledging that it's ok to not always be in that happy place and maybe remind her that it's no reflection on how you feel for her? You have a right to feel how you feel, when you feel.

[BrazenApogee]

Originally Posted by Hans_Olo

Sorry to hear about your situation.

She says that a person 100% controls one's mood and if you decide to be happy, build a wall against negative thoughts, you will be happy. It's her life philosophy, I guess.

This is a delusion. Emotions are a communication from the self. When our needs are met we feel good, when our needs are not met we feel bad. It's that simple. Forcing the bad feelings away instead of filling the need does not make the feeling ultimately go away, it only stores it in the body to come out in other ways until the need is met.

NO One is responsible to fill the need of another. We are responsible for filling our own needs if we are not young children.

Demanding that another person feel in a certain way so that one does not feel discomfort at not helping another human being is an unhealthy way to fill this need. NO One is responsible for the feelings of others.

Emotional Blackmail: "Do what I want you to or I will withdraw my love."

Take care of you. You are important. NO One is perfect and we can only hurt ourselves when we demand perfection.

((((BIG HUGS))))

[mugwort2]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

She is using emotional blackmail. NOone's mental health depends on another person.

How very, very true. One's MH depends on one person, oneself.