A shaming friend

I have a friend that I've known for a couple of years. We used to be close but due to the fact that we're both adults who have responsibilities, we've grown apart. We recently reconnected and talked about experiences we've had since we last talked. I shared with her some information about a rather painful experience which happened late last year and after I was finished telling her about it, she said, plainly: "Wow. I did not realize you were such a slut." I assumed she was joking and started laughing but I quickly realized by the look on her face that she was serious. I was shocked, unsure how to respond, so I changed the subject. From then forward, her demeanor was cold. We parted company not long after that. I assumed we'd never talk again. Well, she texted me about an hour ago, acting like everything was peachy keen. She wants to meet up and having lunch sometime this week.

I want to give this girl another chance, but using the term 'slut', in my opinion, is never acceptable. I do not believe in shaming people, especially for what they do in the bedroom.

What would you do? Would you forgive her and continue on with the friendship? Should I have lunch with her and try to find out why she said what she said? I'm torn between ending the friendship (once upon a time, she was an awesome friend to me) or writing off the incident and forgiving her....

I am so sorry this happened to you

Personally where I am in life and my lack of accepting BS I would not want to see her again.

Shame on her for acting so ignorant and flat rude as hell.

I'm very sorry that this happened.



One option would be to say how hurt and confused she made you feel. You could learn a lot about her from her response.

I think if it's a friendship worth pursuing then my suggestion would be to speak to her about how much it took you aback with what she said and it's hurt you. If she truly is a friend, she would show remorse for hurting you. If not, it's time to move on ....

There are certain things you can do in your relationship-life that will lower the respect (candidate) friends may have for you. And that she handles different opinions on relationships badly.

What you learned about this person is that she will tell you right away what she thinks and that she has less respect for you now now that she knows you are more casual about sex than she is.

That's my opinion based on certain assumptions. It seems unlikely to me that she thinks your sex life is nothing out of the ordinary, but that it would be a good idea to shame you for it regardless. She can be honestly bothered about what she learned and she used an insult to describe your behavior.

I would want to talk / text about this whole "slut" business before agreeing to lunch.


I would ask her if that's honestly what she thinks of me because its hurtful, and such an unacceptable word etc etc ... And if she says "yes", well then "sorry buh bye, I'm not having lunch with you ever. I would prefer not to even breath the same air as you".

^ this. if she is someone worth putting the effort for ask for clarification on the word "slut" and depending on her response as trippin said, act according to that

based on your observation of her behavior following I think she did say what she meant, unfortunately, may have felt badly about being so brutally honest after a time and probably wants to brush it under the rug. But this is something that will stay with you awhile. Devastating word to be honest and it can't be let go.

I would go to lunch and ask her about that comment. This seems like a really awkward conversation to have without being able to see her facial expressions.

You guys are awesome with feedback and support. I deeply appreciate all of you taking time out to respond to my post.

I've been thinking a lot about the situation and if I even want a explanation from her. I've come to the conclusion that I do want to know why she would react the way she did and why she would use that word. Over the years, I have discovered that when people use terms like "slut" "*****" or any of those lovely adjective, it reflects on their insecurity about themselves. Typically they've had to deal with something that has lowered their self-esteem and they project their feelings concerning themselves onto other people. Before having lunch with her, I think it would be best to sit down and have a talk. I'd like to ask her if something has happened that has caused her to feel she needs to degrade others concerning their sex lives. Whatever the case is, I hope we can talk it out. Losing a friendship is emotionally taxing.

Good move Tsukiko!!!

Heck even if she thought whatever about your experiences she didn't have to use the word. Do ask her why she said that

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Wow, that is so insightful, and very understanding/compassionate of you. You sound like a wonderful friend to have, I hope she appreciates you.

Some people I've found in my many years of living have absolutely no filter between what they are thinking & what comes out their mouth. It doesn't mean that it's something they have thought about themselves but could be in general what they think about people who have sex outside of marriage & without any tact, blurt out what they are thinking.

If this in fact is the kind of person she is & you can't handle a person who does that, then I would make the choice to not have lunch again with her.

The fact that she did ask to have lunch with you again may be that she regrets what she said to you & may want to apologize in person as she said it in person, an apology would be appropriate in person also.

Personally I would go out to lunch & bring up the topic that what she said was hurting to you & then from her response go from there as to whether you are willing to continue the friendship.

I guess if it made you feel shame you must have in a way associated yourself with what she said, otherwise you wouldn't have felt shame IMO as we don't feel shame for something that truly doesn't fit the situation. Why does she feel the need to be so brutally verbal about that?.......has that been her personality all along? Usually people don't change so I would think there might have been signs of her being like this before in your being together.....just wondering.

It could be that you end up feeling like it isn't in your best interest to associate with people like her & don't feel bad about not continuing the relationship.

I haven't heard anything from her recently. I suspect something more is going on in her life, something she is ashamed of and she may have been projecting her emotions concerning her own shame onto others. She got a message from me saying that I hope she is doing well and to please contact me whenever she has the opportunity.