[tominthepresent]

sHi, I'm Tom. I'm 28, working on myself, but struggling. I just joined this site today because I thought this might be a place where I could ask for help/advice. I've always felt uncomfortable about posting on a public forum, but am trying to move past that. So, this is new to me and not something I normally do. Usually I'd talk to my friends/family or my therapist, but am trying something different to hopefully find some answers.

I can't think of a graceful way to segue into my question/issue, so I'll just start.

I don't know of a time when I didn't struggle with self-esteem. It's never made sense to me why this is such a struggle, because I'm a perfectly intelligent person with a lot to like about myself. And yet, I never believe I'm enough. I feel shame because this kind of struggle directly affects my masculinity and makes it even harder to deal with. I've done work pretty much my whole life on depression/anxiety and self-esteem but I'm hitting a wall and feeling really down.

In April '16, I broke up with a woman who was my first "real" love. I had always feared that I would never be able to meet someone, but then I finally did after many many hours of working on myself. We dated for awhile - about a year and a half - but it didn't work out for a variety of reasons. Since then, I've tried to re-integrate into the world of dating and sex, but I just seem to keep failing. Intellectually, it makes perfect sense to me that I would be struggling after the breakup. And yet, I still feel like I *could* (not necessarily should) be ready to be with another woman (or women, because I'm not looking for anything serious). I'm angry, sad, afraid, and uncertain because of where I am in my life vs what I want and where I would like to be. Yet I know deep down that these things can't be rushed or forced...which I hate. Part of the problem is that I have social anxiety. It gets in the way of so many opportunities to meet and connect with women - on top of all the ****** emotions I'm dealing with from the breakup. I've also been thinking lately that maybe I'm just not ready to get back out there. I want to be, but every time I'm in a situation where I could be with a woman, there's something inside me that stops it from happening. I overthink everything prior to the date/meetup, and then to cope with my anxiety, I set all of these hopes/expectations. Then I meet her and am disappointed because my expectations were not met. Or, I'll be with her and will clam up or find myself feeling extremely anxious. I know why I'm struggling, and I'm trying to get out of my own way but I just don't know how and it just really sucks. I'm also just starting to get my life back, but in that area I also don't think I'm enough. I have few friends, and haven't been doing much socially. Overall, I'm feeling unappealing to the opposite sex and just hurting a lot. I don't want to feel this way, and I want to figure out what I can do about it.

I hope this all makes sense. It's a jumble inside my brain, so trying to explain it is difficult. Thanks for reading.

- Tom

Hi Tom,

Welcome to PC forums! You said that forums are new to you - this is a great place. We are very supportive here and we can talk about how we truly feel. There is no judgement here, only support. Any advice given is merely a suggestion and typically just a sharing of one's experience in similar circumstances.

I recommend you browse through the forums - the Anxiety forum may help you, as well as others. Post threads in any forums where you have questions or need support. The only exception is the gender-specific forums, forum for men and forum for women.

We also have chats and social groups. Check the calendar for the next anxiety chat. You can simply observe, if you like.

I don't know you, of course, but you sound like a kind, intelligent man. Rather than bettering yourself, it occurred to me that you seem fine just as you are...right now! And I imagine many women would feel the same.

It's easy to say, don't worry, be happy. Social anxiety is nothing to blow off. I can relate to this, too. If it is affecting you daily, seeing a doctor or therapist (preferably both) can help you manage it. This will also help boost your self-esteem and therapy really can help there. It's all confidential, too. It's nothing to be ashamed of but it is your private business and that's fine, too.

I hope you will spend some time here at PC forums. I've been a member for a long time and it helps me. Posting for support and replying to other's threads to support them makes for a great experience.

If you have any questions or concerns, contact a Community Liasion for help. Welcome aboard!

[Skeezyks]

Hello tominthepresent: I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time. I'm afraid there's not much I can offer here. (I'm just an old recluse.) But I saw this is your first post here on PC. So...welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[Ceridwen18]

Hi tominthepresent....you do have a lot going on in your head at the moment. These things can lay us low, I know. Are you seeing a T right now?
If I may ask, do you feel as if you have grieved enough for your first love, that you are "over" her? I'm just wondering if part of the issue is that it took a long time to find her, she was your first love, and you mentioned women you meet sometimes don't live up to your expectations.
If you use online dating, try talking online for quite sometime before you meet in person. This helped me in the past. I felt like I already knew them when we met f2f. Or, just get out there (online or wherever) with a view to just making a friend.
You sound impatient with the process. Are there any enjoyable things about being single? Your username suggests you try to be in the "now". Can anything be enjoyed there if this issue is put aside for the moment?