[spiritpanda]

this has been a question that's been up in the air for a very long time. I don't want to go into details but I question everyday whether I should remain in contact with my blood relatives or cut them out of my life. my adopted mother says I should, my therapist is indifferent on the situation and says just do what's best for you. I blame my blood mother for what everything that happened to this point, however I just can't seem to not hold a grudge though because she was doing what she felt she needed to do to survive and that included marrying a complete narcassitic, excuse my French, basdard who completely destroyed what little hope we had in becoming a family and get through. now she wants to be back in my life since I'm her oldest child. she always has my younger sibling wrapped around her finger, she says she is a christian now and is completely cognisent bit shows lack of remorse for putting me thrpugh hell and back again repeatedly. last night she even fb me not to say hi, how are you but to say add my grandmother. sometimes I feel I need to forgive them all but its impossible and my therapist is saying holding on to the guilt and anger is what's killing my chances of healing that last little bit but I just don't have it in me to let go. I just don't know what to do

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[Ceara1010]

I went through a couple of periods where i distanced myself almost completely from my family. Our only contact was an occasional email between myself and my father.

I really can't say if it helped at all or not. It may have helped me to let go of old patterns, so that now I don't "bite" when one of them tries to provoke me. Family relationships can be like a merry-go-round and sometimes you gotta get off before you can look inside you and see what is really going on so you can change whatever it is that needs to change, if anything.

Maybe you can't decide what to do because you aren't ready to cut the ties yet. Can you minimize your contact and see if this helps, first, before you cut them out altogether?

--Ceara1010

[Crazy Hitch]

I don't have an easy answer.

I know that when I was 28 I complete cut all ties with my biological mother (I moved overseas and never told her where).

I used to beat myself up about a lot of things - she was a **** mother, proved unfit in court, lost custody etc. but I'm going to cut to the chase and say -

It's only at that point in my life where I could look back and say these are HER issues, not mine, and I'm not going to put up with this **** any longer that I could truly let go of the hurt and anger I had held on to for so many years. It's hard, I know. But don't ever believe that your feelings aren't something that you can work through until you reach peace of mind about this.

I moved away too.

[spiritpanda]

Originally Posted by Ceara1010

I went through a couple of periods where i distanced myself almost completely from my family. Our only contact was an occasional email between myself and my father.

I really can't say if it helped at all or not. It may have helped me to let go of old patterns, so that now I don't "bite" when one of them tries to provoke me. Family relationships can be like a merry-go-round and sometimes you gotta get off before you can look inside you and see what is really going on so you can change whatever it is that needs to change, if anything.

Maybe you can't decide what to do because you aren't ready to cut the ties yet. Can you minimize your contact and see if this helps, first, before you cut them out altogether?

--Ceara1010

I have. sometimes I want to talk to them and get some answering knowing I'll get hurt in the process and ultimately lied to. they'll say its my fault and not theirs and pin everything on me. my mother especially with become overly emotion thus only making me even angry since my tempermant is unstable and hotter than usual due to it being the summer time. I just want answers, but that's a double edged sword for me because it puts my psychosis into over drive due to being stuck in my thoughts. I want to cut them out but than again I don't since there's still a part of me, that inner child that still yearns for my mother though my more rational self says just to forget she ever exists so its a constant war

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[Ceara1010]

Originally Posted by spiritpanda

I want to cut them out but than again I don't since there's still a part of me, that inner child that still yearns for my mother though my more rational self says just to forget she ever exists so its a constant war

I know exactly what you mean. I wanted the same things, and I kept trying to push things in the direction of honesty, hoping that would lead to me finally getting a bit of what I never had. Well, it never happened. They never changed, only I did.

I have no idea if your family is capable of changing or not, but I suggest you don't put anything on hold, waiting for them to do so.

Whether someone cuts ties with a toxic family or not is totally personal, and my guess is that regardless of your decision, you will have mixed results either way.

--Ceara1010

[spiritpanda]

I just gave my mother the final ultamatum. basically she needs to give me a reason to forgive her and of it doesnt satisfy me nor is a good enough reason, I will burn her out of my life like a bad memory, forever forgotten and I no longer will consider her my mother.

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[Crazy Hitch]

May the final outcome be the one that serves in your best interest.

[spiritpanda]

thanks. I seriously hope, for her sake, she comes up with a good one. I'm not easily controlled like my younger siblings are and I have a mother already so I can live without my blood mother if it comes to it.

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[Crazy Hitch]

Yes. Yes you can live without the toxicity of the relationship if push comes to shove.