What to do?

Hey guys, I am unsure whether or not I am a terrible person. Let me explain.

Last Spring I got out of a 6 year relationship. I was broken up with. I was devastated and could hardly function for weeks. I told myself that I was going to be single for at least a year and focus on rebuilding myself.

Fast forward to that November...I met a guy and we became friends. His name is Jake. He instantly pursued me, but I knew I wanted to be single and have fun before jumping into anything. However, he kept asking me out, and finally I gave in. We hung out for a couple of weeks and I started to catch feelings. I told him that we were just friends and that we can see where things go. During this time, I wasn't talking to anyone else and honestly didn't think this would go anywhere. AND I knew his job was going to transfer him out of state soon, so I figured it would fizzle out.

We started seeing each other more, and I would stay at his place a couple times a night. We never had the 'gf/bf' talk either. He told me he wasn't seeing anyone else and I believe him. During this time, he also said he loved me several times, although he was drunk each time so I never took it serious.

Fast forward to that Spring, at that time we had been dating for about 5 months. His company basically told him he had to move for work and he agreed. I was angry that he didn't even TRY to find a job around me. I was also angry that he started a relationship knowing he was going to move far away soon. I was also angry that I let myself like him knowing he was moving soon.

So, Jake moved. I was sad, but not overly sad because we still talked every day. He said he wanted to do long distance as long as we could until I figured out where I wanted to move (I had just graduated college). He said he would be faithful to me. I started to think more seriously about applying to jobs and moving to be with him. However, every time I ask if we can be facebook official he says he “doesn’t do facebook relationships.” That made me wonder how serious he really thought we were.

Then, about 3 weeks after he moved I had to go back to my hometown for the weekend. That night I went out and saw my ex who I had been with for 6 years. I was overwhelmed and didn’t know what to do. I tried texting Jake at the time but he wasn’t responding at all. So I left with a guy friend who I have known for years and cheered me up. Anyway, when we got back to my parents house things got intense. We started making out, and we ended up having sex for about 5 minutes before I realized it was dumb. I asked my friend to leave and he did.

The next couple of months everything was fine. I stopped all contact with my friend, and I have no plans of hooking up with anyone. Jake has visited me a couple times since he left, and every time I started to like him more. This past weekend I flew out to see Jake. It was perfect. We had such a great time and I realized that he is someone I can see myself with forever. Even though my plan was to not jump into a relationship, things happen when they happen. The night before I left, I told him I loved him. It was the first time I really felt like that for him and wanted him to know it. He said it back. And yes, this time he was sober.

Now I am seriously considering moving to be with him. But I keep thinking about that night at my parents house. I feel so guilty, and so upset that I let myself screw up so badly. Part of me wants to tell him, but then again I wasn’t sure if things with Jake and I were going to work out or not at that point. And, I hadn’t told him I loved him because honestly…I didn’t yet. I feel like since it was early it’s not as bad, but maybe it is?

What would you do if you were me? Please, be kind and don’t say hateful things. I already hate myself enough right now!

Thank you.

Hard stuff huh?
First of all, Welcome to PC! Here there are nice people and we all try to help each other (i said try, sometimes it's harder situations hehe).

Now to the point. It leaves me thinking the fat that you almost slept with this friend. But as i understood you, you didn't, did you? If my statement is correct, then there's not much to worry about.
Now, do you believe Jake still wants to be with you? Don't take this bad, i mean, distance can actually change people.
If you really love him and also feel that he loves you, then go on and do the best you can, because love is a precious gift.

Best of wishes and good luck!
Oh, and also, about telling him... Well, i might not be your best advice. Maybe wait 'till you see things clearer.

I wouldn't be moving out of state for a man I am not married to and if I don't have full time job lined up.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Hello beautyjunkie: From my perspective, what's in the past is in the past. Leave it there. You're doing just fine! In the meantime... I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

You say you are worried you are a bad person. That is a good sign. Based on what you say, I agree you made bad decisions. But it seems like they were honest mistakes and you feel bad about them. What more can you do? It is hard for us all, and in different ways.

I am a very strange person that doesn't understand relationships, but recently started to think about them a lot.

When you say Jake pursued you, you blew him off, and then you gave in because he kept pursuing, that sounds odd to me. I always hear woman don't like it when guys over-pursue. Apparently, you went on dates in him when your heart wasn't into it. That I think is dishonest. Yeah, he wasn't innocent because he didn't take 'no' for an answer and he ought to have known that if you said 'yes', you wouldn't be as into him as you ought to be. But I think when two people go on a date, and they both agree it is a date, they both need to be open to a romantic development.

You say you 'hung out', but right before that you said you gave in to his romantic pursued. Then you say you changed your mind and developed feelings. Did he even know that? I mean, he is into you a lot. Pursues you a lot. You give in. You actually start to feel something. You spend enough time together. And then you tell him you are 'just friends'. That must have been hard and confusing to him.

But then you two started seeing each other more? As friends?

You don't need a BF/GF talk. I don't know how old you are. But if you are spending a lot of time together, you should both be aware this is serious.

You never mention any intimacy, I guess there wasn't any. Why?

He said 'I love you' when drunk and you say you don't take it serious? Why? He is less truthful when drunk? Probably the opposite.

Sounds like he never figured out your heart wasn't into this relationship or that he just didn't have the strength to save himself from the drama you were putting him through.
All I can think about is that he should have walked out on you.

So he didn't tell you we would be moving and that's bad because you were in a relationship. I don't see where it says that you did something to make this a serious relationship.
I don't blame him for wondering how serious your relationship was. Maybe you left out important bits, but it seems he was a lot more into you than you into him, and you gave mixed signals and strung him along. You can't blame him for not taking the relationship as serious as you want him to take it.

Then you get in a weak moment and you want to call/text Jake, but you end up calling a guyfriend. Why not a girlfriend? Who is this guy anyway that he and you start having sex right away? Are you sure he knew he was a friend and strong enough to be a friend? Sounds like he is another guy you were stringing along? If he knew his role, he wouldn't have let you have sex with him, just because you are in a weak moment. Either he is a bad friend, or just someone romantically interested in you, glad to take the opportunity you were giving him. The two of you basically ruined a years old friendship for sex that was stopped by you halfway. This guy should have seen this coming, but if he was really into you for years, then that's cruel on him as well.

I want to be kind. But if you want me to tell you Jake and your guyfriend are to blame for this, based on your side of the story, not their side, which is probably different, I don't see how I can do that.

What is in the past, is in the past. Don't feel too bad about the mistakes you made. I believe they were honest mistakes. I would worry more about why you made them and how to prevent them in the future.

It is not clear to me if you and Jake were exclusive. I guess you felt you had to be exclusive, otherwise you wouldn't make a point out of this. You should have told him you weren't ready to be exclusive with him the moment he brought it up. And he should have guessed you weren't because you didn't reciprocate his 'I love you' and 'I am faithful' to you.

I would say that if you can live near each other to see each other often enough, and what often enough is depends on the individual, and you can both have a job, I would say to him that I finally made up my mind and I want to give this relationship my best effort. Then when you actually get serious doubts again, break up. No point being in a relation for 10 yeas where you start to doubt every 6 months.

As for your guyfriend, this needs a more refined judgment. If and how much alcohol was involved matters, I feel. But basically I think he is a bad guyfriend. Not a bad person. But the wrong person to be your guyfriend. More likely than not, he was romantically interested in you way before your moment of weakness. And when you called him, he made you weaker, not stronger. I think you should hafve taken the blame on yourself for what happened, and ended the friendship.

And for new guyfriends, make sure they don't have a crush on you and make sure they are strong enough to not jump at every opportunity for sex.

Let me say this again, because I want to be kind. Lot's of people do terrible things to each other and have no second thoughts. Your decisions were flawed and they bother you a lot. That is healthy. It means you are a good person at heart.

And good persons who only make good decisions, they wouldn't be posting here.