How to cut ties with a step-parent but not the bio-parent?

I'm thinking very seriously about cutting my step mom of 15 years out of my life. She was emotionally abusive to me as a child, and possibly (probably) manipulated my father into seeing me as a threat to his finances while I was in college, resulting in leaving me stranded with tens of thousands of dollars in debt and freeing up enough of his money for her to pursue her own lofty goals of a dream career. Now she is a yoga instructor and pays nothing but lip service to love and light in spite of her very obvious narcissistic behavior, cold personality, and complete disinterest in me or my husband's life. It's almost painful to be in the same room as her.

My dad has a lot of problems too, and years of her manipulation has chipped away at the relationship we had before they got married. However, I feel that there is still something there to salvage so long as she isn't in the immediate picture.

Does anyone have any advice on how to do this? Or resources? I've tried internet searches, but everything I've seen involves cutting off both parents, or cutting off a separated parent, and I haven't been able to find anything pertaining to step-parents particularly.

Any advice is welcome.

When I left my toxic family of origin, I attempted to maintain contact with some family friends and extended family members ... Unfortunately the manipulation of the primary abusers kept getting me slapped in the face by those I wanted to maintain relations with ... Therefore, I ended up having to sever all contact with any and all people in my past life that maintained relations with the ones I wanted to avoid ... I hope you have better luck with this, but I don't see how it's possible as the toxic person will always use others to try to get to you ... Sadly!

Can't you just spend time with your father without her?


That's what I would do...

This didn't work for me
Only on her "death bed" did the mother say she wouldn't allow "that woman" in her house..
But the whole thing was such a mess ...
The manipulation of the step ***** also ensured I have no siblings, not even half siblings
Big bad evil bear

Perhaps your father chose to spend money on her - as his spouse he owed it to her too.

Did you and he talk about and agree to an understanding of expectations regarding things like education, etc?

Regardless, that doesn't diminish the feelings and resentment you have for her. No one I hope is saying or expecting that you be her friend or even an aquaintance. Talk to your dad and have that conversation now about expectations. Let him know you would love to spend time with him but would prefer to do so without her. But, understand that he has a choice too.

I'm very sorry about that!

And yes, even if I don't have to talk to her or see her she will still be there to talk smack about me. Who knows what she'll say to him if I try to cut her off...

Yes, from a young age I was raised with the understanding that my college would be paid for if I wanted to go. (If I didn't, then I would be a severe disappointment to the family and kicked out of the house upon graduating high school. Some choice, huh?)

When the tuition money was cut off, the doublespeak started happening - he claimed those promises were never made, but that we could take out private loans through his bank (instead of federal loans) that would make it easier for him to pay since he had such a good relationship with his institution. Every month I had to grovel for those payments, and more doublespeak started happening. They became my loans that we agreed that I was to pay for, and that any money he gave me was simply generosity on his part.

I lived in Brooklyn at the time and was so scared of asking for money that I couldn't run the heater during some of the coldest nights one winter... and two of my toes got frostbitten.

Yes, it is his choice. I'm willing to give him a chance if I can pretend to the best of my ability that she doesn't exist - and he can choose whether he'll accept that or not, I guess.

He won't completely walk away from me, though. Not until he's no longer the co-signer for a student loan, at least.