[The Madcap]

So lately I've been kind of having weird jealously issues. Honestly I'm good at hiding them. Anyway, I know this is a website for mental health, and not relationships, but this does have to do with my mental health. So I'm an all together nice guy. I treat my girlfriend with respect, when we do get into arguments which is hardly ever, I hear her side of things first and am reasonable. I pretty much treat her like a queen. But sometimes I feel like she takes advantage of this..also a while back, she said she had this fantasy about doing it with her only guy friend. He's been her friend for about 4-5 years. At first I was shocked, but I accepted it and we even used it for sex and stuff. Her and I are both very sexually intunned with each other. Anyway, she said she stopped having the fantasy and she told me a fantasy is a fantasy, she'd never act out on them, and my girlfriend doesn't have that reputation of being a cheater. She's very faithful. Anyway, she is in college and needed help with her math and her guy friend is good with that, so she'd go over to his house and he would help her. I didn't really care. I've met him, he's a nice guy and his girlfriend cheated on him so I don't think he'd do that plus he knows about her fantasys and knows I know, but he's a cool guy. Anyway, I don't know, my girlfriend used to dress up for me, put makeup on and stuff to impress me during the first part of our relationship, we've been going on almost 3 years and she doesn't really do that anymore, and I love her with or without makeup, I think she's beautiful either or, and I know it probably means she's comfortable with me, but whenever we see each other, I still take the time to impress her, but she wears sweats or is still in her work clothes. I don't know if I'm insecure or not, maybe it's me. But anyway she was saying how her guy friend was moving and she wanted to see him before he moved. I didn't really see a problem with that. But the thing is, she took a picture on snapchat, and she was all dressed up and everything. She braided her hair, put make up on and everything. And with her eyeliner, she used to put it on the top and bottom, but decided she just wanted to put it on the top, in this picture she had it on the top and bottom. I just don't feel special. She takes the time to get dressed up for him/impress him, but not me. Plus she never says "oh your hot" or "your so attractive" etc. Yet I call her beautiful, gorgeous, I dedicate songs to her, write songs to her, treat her like a queen and it's all genuine. She calls me."cute" sometimes but I feel like a little kid..also now with sex or sexual stuff, I always make the first move, I want to feel like I'm lustful, like she wants me. I don't know, I probably am a needy insecure freak, but I just feel depressed sometimes,as well as insecure and I'm afraid to tell her, about all this because I don't want to look weak or jealous and I don't want her to get angry/defensive. Also I try to avoid fights with her, I don't know why. Anyway I just feel ugly, unwanted, and eh.., yeah that's pretty much it. Sorry for the long story.

[Nimportequoi]

Hey Madcap
You seem to be a really nice guy. First of all, let me say I don't think guys need to put women on a pedestal; you don't need to treat your girlfriend like a queen and serve her, just treat her like an equal human being.
And I can understand your suspicion. I'd be suspicious too if I was you.
I would confront her with your observations, even if you two have already talked about it befire.
It feels like she has continually lost appreciation for you based on your post here, I would tell her that too. Just see how she reacts and what she says.
If she really lost interest in you, I think it is better to make a conscious decision to split up than silently waiting for her to fade away from you, while your self esteem is shrinking all along.
But maybe it's not even that bad. Maybe her dressing up is just ment to show appreciation for a friend she doesn't see so often; in a non-sexual way...
If she visits him again you could make a little surprise-visit... if they're doing maths you can just shrug and say you felt like dropping by or bring some food from subway or so. If they don't open the door or behave like they've been trapped or uncomfortable.. That could be a sign.
Just collecting some ideas, hope it was helpful...

[Skeezyks]

Hello The Madcap: I think that in some way or another you need to air this all out with your gf. It may be she has simply become comfortable with you & doesn't feel the need to dress up for you anymore. I don't think you're an insecure freak. But just the fact that all of this is making you feel that way is reason enough to find some way to air it all out. This kind of thing, if left unaddressed, can fester over time & create havoc in a relationship.

Communication is key in any long term relationship. So the more honestly you & your gf can share your feelings, the better it will be for your future together. I know there is a risk here. Your gf could simply reject your honesty. She could belittle your feelings or simply refuse to talk about the whole thing. However, from my perspective, it's a risk worth taking. Continuing to allow all of this to simmer is, from my perspective, a prescription for ongoing unhappiness.

That's interesting because my boyfriend told me I looked "cute" once. I was pissed lol
He goes with better words now. I know what you mean. I told him I didn't want to be "cute." Tell your girl.

Also do mention her appearance. Tell her she looks gorgegous with her hair done, makeup, nice clothes. My boyfriend likes that, too. I don't dress up every day. I do wear makeup but that's for me as much as him. I wear jeans a lot. He likes me in them. I don't do sweatpants or stuff like that.

Tell her you want to be sexy in her eyes. You don't like cute. Ask her if she wants any changes from you. You do sound put-together but it doesn't hurt to ask.

The stores sell so many "yoga pants" and lougewsar nowadays. It is in style. It's easy to fall into it. Especially when some people think it's stylish because Victoria's Secret makes some with "PINK" on the rear. lol Not for me.

Now you could surprise her with a gift certificate there for lingerie =]. Get a little dominate, too. See where that goes.

Sometimes my boyfriend doesn't shave daily. Shaved daily is my preference. If he gets too scruffy, I give him a head's up and he shaves. No biggie.

You are correct it's best to keep communication flowing. She will know your needs and vice-versa. And people's actions speak louder than words.

Her dressing up to study with that guy doesn't mean anything. Women dress up under those circumstances for self-esteem purposes, IMO.

[Bill3]

I wonder if a summary of what you said would be that it feels like she takes you for granted now.

[Talthybius]

I'd say the same thing as Bill.

Apparently, she has no fear of losing you. And you do fear losing her. That creates an imbalance.

I'd say that her admitting she had a fantasy is a good thing. If she planned to act on it, she wouldn't have told you. But that's just an assumption. Nothing prevents her from acting differently then what I find logical.

Her male friend rejecting her because his GF cheated on her, that's not how it works.

Dropping in on them is a terrible idea. You lose either way.
Demanding she stops meeting him is also weak. As a man, you aren't supposed to be jealous.

You can warn her that you think your relationship is in a rut and that you think it has to be rekindled for it to last and that you will work hard on achieving that, and that you expect the same from her.

Or maybe her so jealous, she offers stop seeing him in return. It's childish, but that may be how it works.