[truthnlove]

I have a family member who has a lot of paranoid fears. These fears have resulted in a lot of isolation for the person, who has an incredibly hard time trusting almost everyone. They don't see that they are living in fear (obviously), and they think that everyone else is to blame. They believe that other people are slandering them, coming into their house when they're not home (when nothing's missing), etc. It's difficult. Even though the person generally trusts me, they think that I could be slandering them, too. On the contrary, I'm extra careful about what I say about this person, out of my love and concern for them.

It's really difficult to communicate with this person. Almost every conversation is laced with this fear in some form or fashion. And every time they talk, they start telling stories about things that other people have done to them, and talking about their theories of what other people are doing. And "advising" me on how to live my life in light of their theories. I dread talking with them, but I love this person and want to continue pursuing connection with them. This person has been hurt enough in life, and even though I know I can't "fix" them, I do believe that it is my job to be there for them and show them my love as best as I can. Even if they never change. They don't believe that they have a problem, and at least right now, they won't consider therapy.

All that said, do any of you have some tips for communicating with people with paranoid fears? Especially if you've had experience in this area before? Such as, subtly redirecting conversations away from negative topics? Responding to false allegations? Showing them that you care about them without reinforcing their false beliefs, since directly disagreeing with them only arouses suspicion? Strategies for spending time together without having to get into these conversations?

[Bill3]

Bless you, you sound like a very kind and patient person.

You could try "client-centered" listening. The basic idea is to show the person that they are understood and therefore not alone.

So for example if they were to say "Mary stole my watch." a client-centered response would not look at the truth or falseness of this claim. Instead it would focus on the claim itself and the underlying feelings. Possible responses might be "You feel violated because of your watch." "You don't trust Mary at all." "You are really angry at Mary right now." The aim of the response is to make the relative feel understood and therefore not alone.

By contrast, a response such as "Mary would never do such a thing." is probably factually true but is a direct contradiction of the person. Taking this approach will likely make the person feel more alone, more misunderstood, and therefore more upset.

Of course you would not just AGREE that Mary took the watch. You would try to avoid taking a position on the issue of fact and concentrate instead on connecting with the person on the level of feelings.

If the person replies by saying something like "No I don't feel violated." you acknowledge that and the two of you work together to come to a stated understanding of what they do feel at that moment. Your goal is to say "it sounds like you feel X right now." and they say "Yes that is exactly how I feel." You don't have to achieve that literal goal, necessarily, but movement in that direction is often helpful to the other person.

I don't know if you can actually get the person to avoid these paranoid topics. It sounds like the person may have a mental disorder that tends to bring them to these places of paranoia. It sounds like they could benefit from therapy, despite what they say. But my thought is that the plan of openly acknowledging the underlying feelings is worth trying, with the goal of reducing their paranoid thoughts about you. As you suggested, plans to subtly redirect or actively disagree runs the risk of kindling the very paranoid thoughts that you are trying to reduce.

[truthnlove]

Originally Posted by Bill3

Bless you, you sound like a very kind and patient person.

You could try "client-centered" listening. The basic idea is to show the person that they are understood and therefore not alone.

So for example if they were to say "Mary stole my watch." a client-centered response would not look at the truth or falseness of this claim. Instead it would focus on the claim itself and the underlying feelings. Possible responses might be "You feel violated because of your watch." "You don't trust Mary at all." "You are really angry at Mary right now." The aim of the response is to make the relative feel understood and therefore not alone.

By contrast, a response such as "Mary would never do such a thing." is probably factually true but is a direct contradiction of the person. Taking this approach will likely make the person feel more alone, more misunderstood, and therefore more upset.

Of course you would not just AGREE that Mary took the watch. You would try to avoid taking a position on the issue of fact and concentrate instead on connecting with the person on the level of feelings.

If the person replies by saying something like "No I don't feel violated." you acknowledge that and the two of you work together to come to a stated understanding of what they do feel at that moment. Your goal is to say "it sounds like you feel X right now." and they say "Yes that is exactly how I feel." You don't have to achieve that literal goal, necessarily, but movement in that direction is often helpful to the other person.

I don't know if you can actually get the person to avoid these paranoid topics. It sounds like the person may have a mental disorder that tends to bring them to these places of paranoia. It sounds like they could benefit from therapy, despite what they say. But my thought is that the plan of openly acknowledging the underlying feelings is worth trying, with the goal of reducing their paranoid thoughts about you. As you suggested, plans to subtly redirect or actively disagree runs the risk of kindling the very paranoid thoughts that you are trying to reduce.

Thank you for your feedback. I have tried what you've suggested a little bit - focusing on how they feel instead of the fears expressed. Doesn't always work...the person is pretty perceptive and can often tell if I'm trying to "use psychology" on them. I probably need to try that more often, though, regardless.

Please don't get me wrong, though. This person is a very loving, kind individual - just bound up in fear. That's what kills me about it all.

Is the paranoia based on psychosis or a personality disorder...or something else?

Is the paranoia just as to actual people they have met in "real life" or does it extend to secret societies?

I think it's wonderful that you're a support person. xo

[truthnlove]

Originally Posted by rainyday107

Is the paranoia based on psychosis or a personality disorder...or something else?

Is the paranoia just as to actual people they have met in "real life" or does it extend to secret societies?

I think it's wonderful that you're a support person. xo

Out of respect to the person, I prefer not to go into detail about their history. Suffice it to say, though, that they have a lot of fears about a lot of different things. I understand why - they've been through a lot. But it isn't easy.

I guess I'll just say...this person is a parent. I still live at home, and it's extremely difficult. I've been very overprotected all my life, and even though I'm in my mid-twenties, I'm still told that I need to listen to them. That I'm not acting in wisdom, am foolish, etc. if I make a decision without consulting them first. I've only just started making decisions on my own, and almost every time I do, I hear about it. I feel so much of the time as if my thoughts, feelings, and opinions aren't respected. I walk on eggshells all the time, and don't feel like I have any real privacy or freedom to be myself. Things have improved a little since starting therapy, and I have better boundaries than before, but I still feel trapped and micromanaged.

So right now...I'm faced with this: I need freedom to explore, make my own decisions, and live my own life. But as it stands, I'm greatly limited. I want desperately to move out, but don't have the funds to do so yet. Feeling like I don't have autonomy and control over my own life is extremely depressing, and I have pretty intense mood swings and am on meds for OCD. And according to my therapist, emotionally I'm still a child.

I find myself resenting control or rules of any kind lately, including at work, which is disturbing since rules are a part of life. But I'm so sick of being told what to do/think/feel/believe, when, where, and how, that I want to run from authority. Authority figures, strong personalities, etc. make me very nervous. To boot, one of my lifelong dreams has been to get married - something I'm afraid to do if it means giving up independence in any way. I just want to feel free.

Sorry for the rant. Perhaps you can tell - I'm in a bit of a funk right now.