needing support from my husband

I have been going it alone for about 7 years or more...no counseling, no Meds, no help. I reached out a few times, but became discouraged and quit. I have recently decided to seek help after several breakdowns and realizing that not managing my condition is creating hardships between my husband and I and also my children and I, basically all of my relationships. I moved almost two years ago and every attempt I make at trying to make friends I crash and burn. I have become so used to just being alone in my house all the time day in and day out. My husband is a trucker for a racing company and is gone for weeks at a time. Before he took the job I told him I couldn't do it, begged and cried for him not too. However, the money is great and with seven kids combined between both of us, we need the money. My disorder causes me to have serious abandonment issues and separation anxiety. It's taxing on our relationship. So I finally decided I needed to reach out and get help. The only thing is, now my husband is not showing me any support or understanding. He feels like I should care more about how much my condition effects him and that I should be able to completely stop any and all symptoms since we now know exactly what the "labels" are. He's not understanding that I need to go thru treatment for a while before you see any real significant change. I feel pressured and like he's baring down on me because I don't have all the answers he wants. He also keeps acting like not only do I need to do my own research and figure out how to deal but also I need to do research on how a loved one copes and what he needs to do from his side. I simply cannot be on both sides and do all the work. I can only work on myself and try to heal myself. I don't know what it's like being a loved one who has to deal with this on a daily basis and I feel it's unfair for him to think I need to find all the solutions for him on how to cope and should know all the answers. He's currently on the road for another week and we got into such an argument on the phone that I literally started having a panic attack and threw my phone. Of course now he's apologized and said he was worried, but he's been so wishy washy lately so I don't know. One minute I think it's all going ok and the next we are in yet another argument over things I can't control. I'm just overwhelmed by it all and I truly feel alone, scared, and anxious. I don't know how to get my points across about anything without him getting angry. I've stopped sending him articles because he said I come off as selfish because all the articles are about my condition and nothing about the loved one coping. I just thought the articles would help shine some light so he could understand better. They are causing more harm than good so I've stopped talking about it all together. My brother says I need to just back off for a bit and leave it strictly to updating him on appointments and that he's probably overwhelmed himself and doesn't know quite how to deal with all he's going thru. We've only been together three years and this is the first time I've sought out help. I think I'm headed in the right direction and I know the road before me is extremely long, I just want to know that he's in it with me and that he will support me and love me thru it. The whole thing is stressing me out and making me have melt down after meltdown. I love him so much and I'm scared it's going to rip us apart.

Take a deep breath, relax, you're going to be alright


It's hard when our loved ones are not on board or seem to be one foot in, and not to invalidate your entire post, but it can be really hard on them too.


Now idk if your hubby is just being a plain old selfish jerk, or if he's suffering from the same type of burnout my bf did a few years ago...

I'm not there idk what brought the two of you to this point.


What I can do is share the highlights of my story...

I have bipolar, borderline and OCPD... At one point the borderline in me was ruining everything, wreaking havoc left, right and centre. This was before being diagnosed with it btw. Which made things very confusing.

Our relationship was tumultuous as a result, I kept pushing and pulling, being hot and cold, needing him madly, rejecting him coldly. Etc

On top of that he was my only source of support.

Eventually I broke him. He was drowning in my Borderline BS found a life raft and jumped ship instead.


That was a wake up call for me.

Anyway I finally got dxd, did my research, went to weekly therapy as well as a weekly DBT group.


I remember having this epiphany while listening to a song. I finally understood why he left. And not just the "I'm unworthy" or "he's not into me" BS I fed myself for a year.

So i emailed him with this revelation and an apology, also stating (genuinely) that I was glad he had the good sense to save himself.


Then he drove to my house and we've been inseparable ever since

Bonus is I have not been wreaking any kind of havoc so he is not in need of any coping skills for living with someone like me.

That was in 2012.


Point?

It's really shyt when they don't support us like we want, but sometimes they just can't, and sometimes for whatever reason, we just have to fly solo for a while.


I suggest you find a DBT group to join, it may be just what you need, and if it is, you wont have to find hubby material on coping skills for him.

Thank you for that! How do I go about finding those groups? I agree with you, that's probably what I need to do. I think for now the best thing for us is to not talk about it as much at least until he comes home. I have borderline as well so I can relate to what you experienced. That's been a lot of our problems. And until recently we didn't know what it was. But it was definitely ruining our relationship. I'm so glad to hear your story ended well and that you guys found each other again and worked it out...that gives me tremendous hope! My husband opened up last night and said he thought I wasn't caring about how any of this was affecting him and that it made him feel alone and distant. Idk. I just hope and pray we make it the this. I was married before him for 10 years that crashed and burned, and this relationship is by far better than any other I've had and I'm madly in love with this man. Again thanks so much for your response!