[mnnc]

Sorry for the long story but I have a lot of details to go over.

I have been married to my wife for 13 years and been together for 18. We started dating young when we were 18. We have two kids who are 8 and 4. I thought our marriage was good and I have loved her very much. She has always bragged to friends how good of a husband I am and how much I have supported her while she went through school and work. She has always told me loved me, missed me if she was gone and showed affection. I had no reason to ever suspect anything was wrong in our marriage.

The past 3 years have been difficult in our marriage. My wife started back to school in 2013 to finish her degree. Getting her degree was very important to her and it had always bothered her she stop going to school when she was younger. So for two years (2013 - 2015) she took online classes. This was stressful during our marriage. Basically for two years, she would come home and go to her bedroom doing school work in the evenings while I took care of the kids and dinner. I never complained because I always saw us as a team and I knew this was only temporary as she worked through school. However after she got her degree, she immediately signed up again to get her masters. At this point I did not want to do this for another two years. I felt like we were drifting apart and I expressed my concerns to her. I told her I felt we were drifting apart that she had a void in her heart and that one day she would find someone and leave me. She hugged me and told me I had nothing to worry about.

In April 2015, she applied for a job out west because she was unhappy with her current job. I had family in the state she applied for the job and I was excited about moving. She got the job and we moved in June. The plan was we would live with my family until we saved enough money for a down payment on a house. Unfortunately the job ended up being terrible and not having our own home put more stress on our situation. I knew my wife was unhappy and I did whatever I could to support her and relieve any stress on her since her current job required long and odd hours. I did most of taking care of our kids and whatever else needed done for our family. During the year we lived with my family, my wife became very distant. When she would come home, she would go to the bedroom and either take a nap, watch TV, or do homework for her online classes. I took her behavior as to being depressed about her job and our living situation. We always talked that we knew this was temporary. We also decided we did not like living out west and decided to move back east.

In April 2016, my wife was offered a wonderful job in the east and in a state we had always wanted to move to. When my wife was offered the job, I did a 180 and wanted to stay where my family was. I asked her if she would consider finding a job here so we could live close to my family and buy a house. My wife did not want to stay and wanted to take this job in the east. I told her I would support her and I knew it was not fair for me to say at the last minute that I wanted to stay. So we agreed to move and I never brought it up again about wanting to stay.

My wife moved in May and I had to stay 5 weeks in the west until our son got out of school. At the beginning of June, I saw on our cell phones records that she was texting a number numerous times a day since she had moved to the east. I looked the number up and saw that it was for a male co-worker she use to work with in the west. I called and confronted her and told her if there was something going on between them to please tell me because I want to work on any issues our marriage might have and that I understand the past year has been difficult for us. She said they were just friends and that I had nothing to worry about. She continued for the next couple weeks that she loved and missed me and could not wait to have her family together.

On June 17th, she flew in to help me load the moving truck so we could head back east the following day. After we loaded the truck she went out to have some drinks with some friends that she use to work with. I was not crazy about the idea but it was the last time she was going to be able to see them. Later that night around 1:30 am she had still not come home. I called her several times with no answer. I checked the location of her cell phone and it was at the guy's apartment complex that she had been texting. Around 3 am she finally calls me back and I am furious. I tell her I know where she is and to get home now! She comes home and tells me she is in a emotional relationship with him and had kissed him. She said she loved me and said she not know if I loved her. I told her I loved her very much and cried as I held her. I knew we had some work to do but I thought our marriage could be saved. The next day we left for the east.

After moving to the east I found out she was still talking to this guy and saw a few text and emails between them. They where telling each other that they missed each other, etc. Her and I continued to argue and fight for the next 3 weeks because she would not stop talking to him. She would change her story about how she was feeling each time we got into an argument. Some nights I was hysterical and actually broke the TV because I was so upset which is not normal behavior for me. Eventually she told me she did not love me anymore and had not loved me for the past three years. At that moment she turned off all affection for me. She no longer told me she loved me, did not have any emotion as I begged her to try for our marriage. She has told me she does not deserve me and that I will move on and find someone else. She shows no concern for the children and simply said they will be ok after we separate. At this point I can not handle being around her anymore. I see her walk in from work acting as if nothing is wrong and still knowing she is talking to this guy. Then I find out he is trying to get a job in the same area she is. I decide I and our youngest son are going to go back west for a month until she gets her own apartment. In Sept I am going to take the kids to her parents for couple weeks and then head back to my apartment. Recently I find out she has bought a ticket to fly out west for labor day weekend to spend with him while I am at her parents taking care of our kids. I was furious, hurt and texted her asking how she could do this so soon after leaving me and not giving me time to adjust. How could she not come in to see her youngest son who by then will be away from her for 5 weeks. Her only response was an excuse for planning on seeing our son earlier but couldn't because I was coming in with him later and that she was sorry for hurting me.

I am beyond devastated at this point. My emotions are all over the place. One minute I am furious and the next I am crying. I do not know who she is anymore. Its like my wife has died and someone else has took her body. I know she is gone and there is no chance we will ever be together again but I would love to know other's thoughts on what is going on with her? What the hell is going on in her mind? She claims this guy has nothing to do with this and that she would be leaving me if he did not exists. I do not believe her and have told her if hat was true she would have left me before she met him. She also claims she never told me how she felt because she was not sure what she felt before she met him. I do not know what to believe or think at this point. Right now I am trying my best to move on but its so difficult. Has anyone else ever heard or experienced their spouse doing something like this?

[Skeezyks]

Hello mnnc: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

I'm so sorry your marriage has come to such a sad end. Realistically, I don't have any idea what specifically is going on in your wife's mind. But your post brings back some extremely sad & difficult memories for me. I'm an old man at this point. But many years ago I went through something similar... only in reverse. That's about as much as I'm willing to write about it here. And I don't know as there's much of anything further I could write that would be of any real help. But, should you want to, I would be willing to correspond further with regard to this by Personal Message, here on PC.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[Leyla]

wow sad story, especially when there are kids are involved. sounds like her getting involved with this guy has caused a big rift in your marriage... you have done all that you can to try to salvage this marriage, and she wants to MOVE ON.... you need to focus on being a strong daddy for your kids. its not easy but all i can say is ONE DAY AT A TIME... and know in your heart you were a loving, accomodating husband to her..... focus on your kids. and maybe seek out some therapy too to help you get through this.

take care

[s4ndm4n2006]

I cannot say if I believe or not that this guy is the whole reason for this. I think she may have been considering and drifting before she decided to start something with him - even as far back as just going to school. Just seems to me she was pursuing things and getting ready for her departure by getting a degree, getting herself prepared job wise and all. I have been through things not entirely different from yours but I understand and I know how it feels. of course my ex and I had never fully gotten on well so it's probably not as shocking to me when it happened as it may be to you right now.

Yes later the other men came into my situation but truth is I only say that to underscore that her emotional affair with him is just a symptom of what may have been more her just not being entirely there for you anymore.

This is all on her though. Regardless of the reasons she uses to make excuses for why she has left, the fact is, she chose not to put anything more into the marriage and be the wife any longer. Stand strong in that you may have made mistakes but it seems to me, that you at least remained committed.

As for the kids, they will be alright, albeit it does hurt them, this is not about them entirely, the mom hopefully will keep being mom just like you will keep being dad. Its hard on them but as a father of two boys that are now teens, for the most part I have done what I can as a single father (even being sole parent for nearly 4 yrs) and they are ok as they can be (as teens can be anyway lol). You support and be there for the kids and try to remind them that their mother will always be their mother so they haven't lost anyting in that manner.

Find your own independence, you can. I did. You have some very hard days, weeks and maybe months ahead, I won't lie but you can do this. don't let it break you or make you feel worthless, you aren't. Even the best of people are betrayed at times in their lives and it hurts but it's not their fault, it's the cheaters' fault.

take heart, there is hope and it is not just an end you are facing but a new phase in life too.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

I'm so sorry this happened to you. It sounds like you really tried too. This is all on her. And depending on what state the divorce is in, she may have a hard time getting anything out of the marriage since she was the one that left and emotionally checked out. The above poster pretty much nailed it on the head there.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[IceCreamKid]

I want to comment on this one thing that your wife said and offer some advice, which of course you do not have to take, but it is offered with the best intentions:

"they will be ok after we separate"

You and your children deserve better than this. Tell that selfish woman you've been patient and supportive of her and her needs long enough and it is past time that those little children are put FIRST.

It would be in the best interests of small children to have parents together, but if that isn't possible they should live near each other. Small children want and need to see both of their parents often. Tell this woman you expect her to remain an active part of their lives. Give serious thought to where and with whom the children should live. Mommy might not be the right choice as the residential parent.

I think this is so important that I would purposefully drag my feet on a divorce, just to force her to go to counseling with me to make healthy arrangements for the children--and I'd have no problem telling her that, either. I believe you would benefit from individual counseling too, to help you develop healthy boundaries and personal expectations and how to meet them. By the way, whatever she has done for herself, you could do for yourself: get more education, get a better job, etc.

[mnnc]

Originally Posted by IceCreamKid

I want to comment on this one thing that your wife said and offer some advice, which of course you do not have to take, but it is offered with the best intentions:

"they will be ok after we separate"

You and your children deserve better than this. Tell that selfish woman you've been patient and supportive of her and her needs long enough and it is past time that those little children are put FIRST.

It would be in the best interests of small children to have parents together, but if that isn't possible they should live near each other. Small children want and need to see both of their parents often. Tell this woman you expect her to remain an active part of their lives. Give serious thought to where and with whom the children should live. Mommy might not be the right choice as the residential parent.

I think this is so important that I would purposefully drag my feet on a divorce, just to force her to go to counseling with me to make healthy arrangements for the children--and I'd have no problem telling her that, either. I believe you would benefit from individual counseling too, to help you develop healthy boundaries and personal expectations and how to meet them. By the way, whatever she has done for herself, you could do for yourself: get more education, get a better job, etc.

I agree. However, she will not go to counseling and I have begged her to work on our marriage for the kids. She has already made her mind up and refuses. I do not trust her at anything anymore and do not think she has a connection with her children like a normal mother should have. Her actions over the past 4 weeks have been nothing but lies and deception. She has shown no concern for how the kids will handle any of this plus she is passing up an opportunity to see her youngest son after being gone for 5 weeks just so she can spend the weekend with the other guy. I decided I am not going to wait on a divorce. I am going to file soon so I can start making plans for my future and my kids.

As for myself, I already have a BS in Computer Science, work remotely, make more then she does with her new job and I honestly could be making a lot more if I find something better, which I plan to do. I have an appointment to see a counselor later this week. I have been thinking of my options over the past few days. My plan is to love and take care of my kids as much as possible. Her and I agree to share them 50/50. If I end up with them more, that is fine. Rather them be with me then with her if she really is not that interested in them. Over the next few months, I am going to look for a better job that pays more and I can meet new people. Eventually I will buy a house so I can have a nice home for my kids.

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by mnnc

I agree. However, she will not go to counseling and I have begged her to work on our marriage for the kids. She has already made her mind up and refuses. I do not trust her at anything anymore and do not think she has a connection with her children like a normal mother should have. Her actions over the past 4 weeks have been nothing but lies and deception. She has shown no concern for how the kids will handle any of this plus she is passing up an opportunity to see her youngest son after being gone for 5 weeks just so she can spend the weekend with the other guy. I decided I am not going to wait on a divorce. I am going to file soon so I can start making plans for my future and my kids.

As for myself, I already have a BS in Computer Science, work remotely, make more then she does with her new job and I honestly could be making a lot more if I find something better, which I plan to do. I have an appointment to see a counselor later this week. I have been thinking of my options over the past few days. My plan is to love and take care of my kids as much as possible. Her and I agree to share them 50/50. If I end up with them more, that is fine. Rather them be with me then with her if she really is not that interested in them. Over the next few months, I am going to look for a better job that pays more and I can meet new people. Eventually I will buy a house so I can have a nice home for my kids.

I say stop begging her. 50/50 sharing is a poor idea if one parent does not really want to be a parent. There are some women who really don't want to be mothers, and some women who have difficulty dealing with young children, but can relate fine to older ones, etc. You have to wonder about this man she is chasing after if he is cool with her abandoning her family which includes very young children. Do you really want your children with him 50 percent of the time? I say sit down and make a good plan for the children and that might mean that they live with you and go to school from your home. She could see them one evening a week, every other weekend, and at all their school plays, etc and on a holiday schedule that works for all of you (and not just her) and for part of the summer. I do not suggest you agree to her having the children all summer. You will miss out on many fun days with them without the stress of school, and if she is as uninvolved a parent as you say, she'll emotionally neglect them then, too. My point wasn't to question your education; my suggestion was to encourage you to pour the same love and devotion into yourself and your well-being (which in turn benefits the children) that you poured into this woman who now wants to walk away from her commitments and responsibilities.

[mnnc]

Originally Posted by IceCreamKid

I say stop begging her. 50/50 sharing is a poor idea if one parent does not really want to be a parent. There are some women who really don't want to be mothers, and some women who have difficulty dealing with young children, but can relate fine to older ones, etc. You have to wonder about this man she is chasing after if he is cool with her abandoning her family which includes very young children. Do you really want your children with him 50 percent of the time? I say sit down and make a good plan for the children and that might mean that they live with you and go to school from your home. She could see them one evening a week, every other weekend, and at all their school plays, etc and on a holiday schedule that works for all of you (and not just her) and for part of the summer. I do not suggest you agree to her having the children all summer. You will miss out on many fun days with them without the stress of school, and if she is as uninvolved a parent as you say, she'll emotionally neglect them then, too. My point wasn't to question your education; my suggestion was to encourage you to pour the same love and devotion into yourself and your well-being (which in turn benefits the children) that you poured into this woman who now wants to walk away from her commitments and responsibilities.

When I say 50/50, I mean 3 to 4 days a week rotating and every other weekend. I will try to get the kids as much as I can but if she does not agree, then my only option would be to take legal action. However, even though she has been a terrible person, I have no evidence to proof she is a bad mother to a court. This whole situation sucks.

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by mnnc

When I say 50/50, I mean 3 to 4 days a week rotating and every other weekend. I will try to get the kids as much as I can but if she does not agree, then my only option would be to take legal action. However, even though she has been a terrible person, I have no evidence to proof she is a bad mother to a court. This whole situation sucks.

?? Divorce is a legal action. The time to settle these details is during the divorce negotiations. Putting aside the label "bad mother" it comes down to who can provide the best, most stable home for the children. I am not a fan of jerking kids back and forth between two households during the school week. It may not be in the children's best interest to have their time divided "50/50". Something to think about. I wish you the best.

[Brasucasulu]

I'm sorry that you have to go through all this. I had a similar experience myself and it is horrible. You have dine the right thing, and she's the one who lost it. I know it is difficult but try to fo su on yourself and your kids. One days she will realized how much she lost. People are just freakin selfish.

Originally Posted by mnnc

Sorry for the long story but I have a lot of details to go over.

I have been married to my wife for 13 years and been together for 18. We started dating young when we were 18. We have two kids who are 8 and 4. I thought our marriage was good and I have loved her very much. She has always bragged to friends how good of a husband I am and how much I have supported her while she went through school and work. She has always told me loved me, missed me if she was gone and showed affection. I had no reason to ever suspect anything was wrong in our marriage.

The past 3 years have been difficult in our marriage. My wife started back to school in 2013 to finish her degree. Getting her degree was very important to her and it had always bothered her she stop going to school when she was younger. So for two years (2013 - 2015) she took online classes. This was stressful during our marriage. Basically for two years, she would come home and go to her bedroom doing school work in the evenings while I took care of the kids and dinner. I never complained because I always saw us as a team and I knew this was only temporary as she worked through school. However after she got her degree, she immediately signed up again to get her masters. At this point I did not want to do this for another two years. I felt like we were drifting apart and I expressed my concerns to her. I told her I felt we were drifting apart that she had a void in her heart and that one day she would find someone and leave me. She hugged me and told me I had nothing to worry about.

In April 2015, she applied for a job out west because she was unhappy with her current job. I had family in the state she applied for the job and I was excited about moving. She got the job and we moved in June. The plan was we would live with my family until we saved enough money for a down payment on a house. Unfortunately the job ended up being terrible and not having our own home put more stress on our situation. I knew my wife was unhappy and I did whatever I could to support her and relieve any stress on her since her current job required long and odd hours. I did most of taking care of our kids and whatever else needed done for our family. During the year we lived with my family, my wife became very distant. When she would come home, she would go to the bedroom and either take a nap, watch TV, or do homework for her online classes. I took her behavior as to being depressed about her job and our living situation. We always talked that we knew this was temporary. We also decided we did not like living out west and decided to move back east.

In April 2016, my wife was offered a wonderful job in the east and in a state we had always wanted to move to. When my wife was offered the job, I did a 180 and wanted to stay where my family was. I asked her if she would consider finding a job here so we could live close to my family and buy a house. My wife did not want to stay and wanted to take this job in the east. I told her I would support her and I knew it was not fair for me to say at the last minute that I wanted to stay. So we agreed to move and I never brought it up again about wanting to stay.

My wife moved in May and I had to stay 5 weeks in the west until our son got out of school. At the beginning of June, I saw on our cell phones records that she was texting a number numerous times a day since she had moved to the east. I looked the number up and saw that it was for a male co-worker she use to work with in the west. I called and confronted her and told her if there was something going on between them to please tell me because I want to work on any issues our marriage might have and that I understand the past year has been difficult for us. She said they were just friends and that I had nothing to worry about. She continued for the next couple weeks that she loved and missed me and could not wait to have her family together.

On June 17th, she flew in to help me load the moving truck so we could head back east the following day. After we loaded the truck she went out to have some drinks with some friends that she use to work with. I was not crazy about the idea but it was the last time she was going to be able to see them. Later that night around 1:30 am she had still not come home. I called her several times with no answer. I checked the location of her cell phone and it was at the guy's apartment complex that she had been texting. Around 3 am she finally calls me back and I am furious. I tell her I know where she is and to get home now! She comes home and tells me she is in a emotional relationship with him and had kissed him. She said she loved me and said she not know if I loved her. I told her I loved her very much and cried as I held her. I knew we had some work to do but I thought our marriage could be saved. The next day we left for the east.

After moving to the east I found out she was still talking to this guy and saw a few text and emails between them. They where telling each other that they missed each other, etc. Her and I continued to argue and fight for the next 3 weeks because she would not stop talking to him. She would change her story about how she was feeling each time we got into an argument. Some nights I was hysterical and actually broke the TV because I was so upset which is not normal behavior for me. Eventually she told me she did not love me anymore and had not loved me for the past three years. At that moment she turned off all affection for me. She no longer told me she loved me, did not have any emotion as I begged her to try for our marriage. She has told me she does not deserve me and that I will move on and find someone else. She shows no concern for the children and simply said they will be ok after we separate. At this point I can not handle being around her anymore. I see her walk in from work acting as if nothing is wrong and still knowing she is talking to this guy. Then I find out he is trying to get a job in the same area she is. I decide I and our youngest son are going to go back west for a month until she gets her own apartment. In Sept I am going to take the kids to her parents for couple weeks and then head back to my apartment. Recently I find out she has bought a ticket to fly out west for labor day weekend to spend with him while I am at her parents taking care of our kids. I was furious, hurt and texted her asking how she could do this so soon after leaving me and not giving me time to adjust. How could she not come in to see her youngest son who by then will be away from her for 5 weeks. Her only response was an excuse for planning on seeing our son earlier but couldn't because I was coming in with him later and that she was sorry for hurting me.

I am beyond devastated at this point. My emotions are all over the place. One minute I am furious and the next I am crying. I do not know who she is anymore. Its like my wife has died and someone else has took her body. I know she is gone and there is no chance we will ever be together again but I would love to know other's thoughts on what is going on with her? What the hell is going on in her mind? She claims this guy has nothing to do with this and that she would be leaving me if he did not exists. I do not believe her and have told her if hat was true she would have left me before she met him. She also claims she never told me how she felt because she was not sure what she felt before she met him. I do not know what to believe or think at this point. Right now I am trying my best to move on but its so difficult. Has anyone else ever heard or experienced their spouse doing something like this?

[mnnc]

Originally Posted by Brasucasulu

I'm sorry that you have to go through all this. I had a similar experience myself and it is horrible. You have dine the right thing, and she's the one who lost it. I know it is difficult but try to fo su on yourself and your kids. One days she will realized how much she lost. People are just freakin selfish.

Could you share your experience? What happened and did the person who hurt you one day regret it?

Thanks