[Eleny]

I'm a huge people pleaser and find people often walk all over me. I've recently moved into a new house and my new housemate talks ALOT and never listens to me.

This is a recurring pattern in my life (Interestingly, this is the same relationship I have with my dad. He needs a lot of attention and talks a lot, but doesn't ever listen when I talk) but I've had enough.

After my housemate left for work today my head was sore and I felt drained, angry and upset. I can't go on like this but I don't know how to make it stop. I need to put myself first but I also share a space with this girl so will inevitably be spending time with her. What should I do?? Any advice would be great.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by Eleny

I'm a huge people pleaser and find people often walk all over me. I've recently moved into a new house and my new housemate talks ALOT and never listens to me.

This is a recurring pattern in my life (Interestingly, this is the same relationship I have with my dad. He needs a lot of attention and talks a lot, but doesn't ever listen when I talk) but I've had enough.

After my housemate left for work today my head was sore and I felt drained, angry and upset. I can't go on like this but I don't know how to make it stop. I need to put myself first but I also share a space with this girl so will inevitably be spending time with her. What should I do?? Any advice would be great.

Have you ever verbalized your need for quiet or an end to conversation? First thing to do would be to find a way to request politely that you're not always open to conversation. AT the point when they ignore your requests is when you can justifiably walk away.

[Rose76]

It must be hard to be living in a place where someone is draining you like that. But, then, you grew up in a home where that was happening. As an adult, you should have more control, and your home should be your sanctuary. What you were unable to avoid as a child, you can now choose to distance yourself from.

Maybe sharing a house with a not really compatible roommate is not in your best interests. Maybe living alone in a small apartment would actually give you more "space," especially mental/emotional space. This gal you are living with is not going to change. But you can change you, though it takes really focusing on what you are doing that you don't have to do. Also, it takes believing that you can learn to be different. That belief would be enormously empowering. Behavior is learned. It can be replaced by new learning.

Some visits with a therapist could help, but may not be absolutely essential. Learn to disengage. There are specific techniques that busy, efficient people use to extricate themselves from being ensnared in a conversation they want to escape. One is to stop asking follow up questions. Another is to say, "You'll have to excuse me. I've got something I need to go do."

I feel for you because I've had a tendency to let people use me in that same way. I've been changing. Don't think that people who are hogging the conversation don't know that they are doing that. I've noticed that, as soon as I start to withdraw from a conversation-hog, that person will suddenly ask me about me. That's just a ploy to keep me engaged and paying attention to them. It's kind of a control game. I'm learning to be a bit more clever at not allowing others to have that control.

Over the years, I've found that asking conversation-hogs to listen more to me doesn't help very much. As I change my pattern of being overly receptive, these types tend to drift away and out of my life. I've decided that's okay. Keep giving more than you are getting and you will be relentlessly drained. It's worth learning to break that pattern. Your time belongs to you!

[Trippin2.0]

Boundaries.... You need them.


Now is as good a time as any to learn how to erect some.

[jimmy rich]

IMO, the one and perhaps only thing (besides a spiritual awakening) that can help a person cope with others and make a relationship work well is SELF RESPECT or SELF-ESTEEM work.
Folks with good/healthy self esteem/respect can handle dysfunctional others quite well.

Originally Posted by Eleny

I'm a huge people pleaser and find people often walk all over me.

That happens when we don't have enough self respect and cannot stand up for our self.

I've recently moved into a new house and my new housemate talks ALOT and never listens to me.

Because you don't have enough self respect to request or even DEMAND her attention. Self esteem work will show you how to deal with such a one-sided person.

This is a recurring pattern in my life (Interestingly, this is the same relationship I have with my dad. He needs a lot of attention and talks a lot, but doesn't ever listen when I talk) but I've had enough.

If you have truly "had enough", I'd research: self esteem, self respect, relationship skills and anything that might teach you to get a back bone.

After my housemate left for work today my head was sore and I felt drained, angry and upset. I can't go on like this but I don't know how to make it stop.

You just need a few effective coping skills and strategies to both handle others and handle your own reactions to them (upset, angry, drained).

I need to put myself first but I also share a space with this girl so will inevitably be spending time with her. What should I do?? Any advice would be great.

I'd get a few books about self esteem and relationships, go on line or get into a CODA support group (google it). If this has something to do with childhood conditioning by a dysfunctional parent (your dad), you may also need the hep of a counselor as well as some support group but the bottom line is to LEARN HOW to deal with others and your self - ASAP. good luck

[Eleny]

Originally Posted by Rose76

It must be hard to be living in a place where someone is draining you like that. But, then, you grew up in a home where that was happening. As an adult, you should have more control, and your home should be your sanctuary. What you were unable to avoid as a child, you can now choose to distance yourself from.

Maybe sharing a house with a not really compatible roommate is not in your best interests. Maybe living alone in a small apartment would actually give you more "space," especially mental/emotional space. This gal you are living with is not going to change. But you can change you, though it takes really focusing on what you are doing that you don't have to do. Also, it takes believing that you can learn to be different. That belief would be enormously empowering. Behavior is learned. It can be replaced by new learning.

Some visits with a therapist could help, but may not be absolutely essential. Learn to disengage. There are specific techniques that busy, efficient people use to extricate themselves from being ensnared in a conversation they want to escape. One is to stop asking follow up questions. Another is to say, "You'll have to excuse me. I've got something I need to go do."

I feel for you because I've had a tendency to let people use me in that same way. I've been changing. Don't think that people who are hogging the conversation don't know that they are doing that. I've noticed that, as soon as I start to withdraw from a conversation-hog, that person will suddenly ask me about me. That's just a ploy to keep me engaged and paying attention to them. It's kind of a control game. I'm learning to be a bit more clever at not allowing others to have that control.

Over the years, I've found that asking conversation-hogs to listen more to me doesn't help very much. As I change my pattern of being overly receptive, these types tend to drift away and out of my life. I've decided that's okay. Keep giving more than you are getting and you will be relentlessly drained. It's worth learning to break that pattern. Your time belongs to you!

Thank you for this

I actually tried being less receptive recently, and stopped asking follow up questions, but that made me feel enormously guilty and uncomfortable. I think returning to therapy could be a good idea. I only just moved in having moved twice recently, I'm not sure I could mentally put myself through another move so I feel a little stuck.

[Eleny]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Boundaries.... You need them.


Now is as good a time as any to learn how to erect some.

I am terrible with boundaries, I struggle so much with them. Silly question but do you have any advice for putting them in place? Growing up, much of my life was unboundaried so it's something I'm trying to learn.

[Rose76]

I want to commend Trippen for saying in a nutshell what I took up a bunch of screen space to say. Next I want to suggest to you, Eleny, that you have just done an excellent job of identifying your basic problem. You go around trying to meet other people's emotional needs because you feel guilty if you don't.

I can relate. As a child, I was groomed - to an extent - by my parents to do exactly that. Just like you will have to do, I am learning to get over that. I am learning, figuratively, to walk away from people who are suckin' the life out if me. It's awful uncomfortable at first - like anything you are not used to doing. But it gets easier. AND people start to get retrained by my new attutude into not assuming I am utterly at their disposal. It feels better and better the more I do it. And people are not as fragile as I thought. They survive getting brushed off by me quite well.

[Eleny]

Originally Posted by Rose76

I want to commend Trippen for saying in a nutshell what I took up a bunch of screen space to say. Next I want to suggest to you, Eleny, that you have just done an excellent job of identifying your basic problem. You go around trying to meet other people's emotional needs because you feel guilty if you don't.

Yes this is EXACTLY it. I feel immense guilt if I don't meet someone's emtional needs. I still do it with both of my parents now. I feel as if it's my job to take care of them, and obviously I'm now conditioned to feel that way about everyone.

Originally Posted by Rose76

I can relate. As a child, I was groomed - to an extent - by my parents to do exactly that. Just like you will have to do, I am learning to get over that. I am learning, figuratively, to walk away from people who are suckin' the life out if me. It's awful uncomfortable at first - like anything you are not used to doing. But it gets easier. AND people start to get retrained by my new attutude into not assuming I am utterly at their disposal. It feels better and better the more I do it. And people are not as fragile as I thought. They survive getting brushed off by me quite well.

Well done you! I would love to get to that stage one day myself. You've really helped me by articulating all the things I couldn't.

[unaluna]

There a couple of books by anne katherine about boundaries that i found very helpful.

[Rose76]

You can move in that direction, Eleny. You already have good insight. It can be slow-going to change something that is fundamental in our natures, but it absolutely can be done. Be willing to put up with some psychic discomfort, and be willing to experiment, despite the likelihood that not every experiment will go nicely for you. You are allowed to make some mistakes.

People will actually like you better when you evolve in the direction of being more authentic. It is not authentic to act intensely interested and hang on to every word coming out of the mouths of people who are droning on and on in a self-centered way. I still do that a lot, myself, and have to work on it. Lately, I am noticing that I am infantilizing adults when I am overly solicitous in my manner toward them and patiently listening, as if they were children who would be crushed, if I cut them short. Adults can deal with discovering that there is a limit to my interest in having them drone on at me. Actually, even little kids deal with that all the time.

I've worked in healthcare where caretaking was my role, which reinforced my tendency to make mysef totally "available" to those I interact with. I need to set limits more than I do. Otherwise, I don't manage my time well.

I strongly endorse the suggestion above that you get some books on things like "boundaries."