[*Laurie*]

When my great-niece was 17 and just out of high school my nephew (her adoptive father) threw her out of the house because he was seeing a new woman and didn't know how to/want to handle a teenager. (My great-niece's mother had died from a drug OD a few years before my great-niece graduated from high school.)

My great-niece, who I'll call "M" was accepted to a university on an art scholarship. She was an intelligent, bright, talented young woman. At that time she excelled academically. Unfortunately, she was also mentally ill with more and more delusions, and very self-destructive. Her mother had been emotionally and physically abusive and her father, my nephew, was very harsh with M. He seemed to believe that a good parent is one who lays down THE LAW. In addition to his ineffective fathering, my nephew is a heavy drinker - probably an alcoholic, for many, many years.

M started college, but couldn't keep going because of her mental illness and increasingly present delusions. She dropped out, stopped living in the dorm, and became homeless. She remained homeless for 3 years. She got into drug use (meth) and was arrested a couple of times. She was hanging out with dangerous people who were unhealthy for her.

M's delusions took the form of things such as the belief that due to the Cold War there was 'bad' activity going on under the streets of certain cities, and it was M's responsibility (she believed) to 'save everyone'. M, despite her harsh circumstances, remained a caring, VERY sensitive, loving person - even to people who did not deserve her depth of care and love.

M was living on the streets of a number of cities. I had lost touch with her, and frankly didn't want her around me while she was doing drugs and hanging out with dangerous people.

Suddenly, this week I heard from someone who knows M that

Possible trigger:

......M had shot herself in the head (temple), survived, but is completely blind. She is 21 years old and will never see again.

This news has shaken my world. My kids are also devastated by the news of their cousin's suicide attempt and subsequent blindness. M is in long-term care in a psychiatric hospital at this time.

Long story shorter, I found out that my sister has known about M's suicide attempt since it happened 2 months ago.

But my sister chose not to tell me about my great-niece, even though my sister knows I was close to M. The reason my sister did not tell me is because she is in denial about her son's (my nephew's) alcoholism, womanizing, and emotional abuse. My sister is in denial about a lot of things, for example, that she was an emotionally abusive parent and neglectful at times, of her 4 children.

My nephew is currently in a custody battle for his youngest child, a little boy. I love my nephew, but I do not think he should be parenting more children without intervention for his drinking and the other problems he has. My sister has spent my nephew's life trying to protect him from everything and everyone. She never taught him healthy boundaries or how to cope well in life. He is now 46 years old. My sister didn't tell me about M because my sister is afraid my nephew will lose custody of his young son. She is afraid that I will speak out against him to his son's mother's lawyer, and tell the lawyer that I believe he is an unfit father.

I'm posting this because I need to get it out. I am exhausted from the shock of the news about my great-niece. I am exhausted from the horror of what has happened, and I am furious with my sister because she denies so much and chooses to remain a mentally unstable person who would never get help in her life (she is 71 years old, 18 years older than I am).

I guess I'm in shock, and very frustrated with my sister.

Thanks for reading my post.

[TiredPilgrim]

I'm so sorry, LauraBeth. I can feel your concern for the future of your nephew, and your grief over your great-niece. It sounds like you are in a painful and horrific situation. There doesn't seem to be any option that is not potentially very painful in one way or another.
You also sound like an intelligent, well thought out, capable, healthy person. I'm sure you will figure out what the healthiest thing to do is, for you, your nephew, and your great-niece. Have you considered talking to a pastor or therapist to get a new view on things?
Thoughts and prayers are with you.

[*Laurie*]

TiredPilgrim, thank you so much for your reply. Your support means so much to me. I am seriously considering talking to a therapist about this situation...I just don't quite feel like I can successfully handle this alone.

[~Christina]

Oh LauraBeth I am so sorry that your going through so much hell.

I really have no words that will make this situation any better.

I do think a Therapist would really be helpful in processing all this..

Your in my thoughts and prayers (((hugs)))

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[*Laurie*]

You are so kind, Christina. Thank you for your post.

[PumpkinPieHead]

Hi LauraBeth, I am sorry to hear these struggles.

A few years ago, I was involved in a similar custody situation. I stepped up for that child by contacting the counsel of the party I felt were the better guardians and disclosing a lot of sensitive information. I went against my family. Years later, I know I made the right choice and am happy I did so. I advise you to exhaust your options to ensure your nephew does not get awarded custody unless he is a fit parent.

God bless and keep me posted

[*Laurie*]

Thanks so much, Pumpkin. Thank you for sharing your experience with this kind of a situation. Wow, I guess I've never thought about the fact that there are other people who go against their families to speak up for a child that is in potential danger. Your post has really opened my eyes. Brightest blessings!

[Rose76]

I think you would be wise to tend to your own affairs and not concern yourself overly much with how to "handle" the sad situations going on in your sister's family. There's nothing you can do. Say a prayer for all concerned. Then "Let go and let God." (as they say in Al-Anon.)

Only God above, in his omniscient understanding, knows for sure how much of the way your sister has lived has been totally her own choice. It would take divine insight to fully tease out what role compulsion plays in any person's behavior. That is what is meant by the saying, "Only God can judge." I don't know if there is a god, but I do know that it would take a divine mind to competently figure out just how much guilt should be assigned to any of us. Assigning guilt is not our responsibility. Your sister and your nephew and his former wife have all, undoutedly, failed miserably in handling life. Your grand-niece's sad story is the outcome. It's tragic. Leave it at that. Grieve for the heart-breaking sadness of it all. Be glad that you are not your sister.

[*Laurie*]

Thank you Rose. Many wise words. I do have to deal with the fact, though, that my sister and her family are my own extended family. It's very hard to cope with, all of this. Confusing.

[Rose76]

Originally Posted by LauraBeth

I do have to deal with the fact, though, that my sister and her family are my own extended family. It's very hard to cope with, all of this. Confusing.

It is beyond hard. It is impossible to "cope" with any of this. Having said that. I see nothing confusing here. What do you imagine you can possibly do to "handle" any of this wall-to-wall tragedy? Do you imagine yourself organizing an "intervention" to get your nephew to stop drinking? If you are entertaining any such fantasy, I would strongly encourage you to get yourself to some Al-Anon meetings and grab an armful of their literature. This whole mess is not yours to handle.

Consider whether you have knowledge of child abuse that you have a moral obligation to report. If you do, then make a report of what facts you have direct knowledge of. Beyond that, protect yourself and your own children from any enanglements that will only have an unwholesome effect on your lives.

By all means, remember these wretched folk in your daily prayers. Then focus on your own responsibilites. Fixing your nephew is not your job. You probably have zero capacity to affect anything going on with your sister, her son or her grand-daughter. Your grand-niece is in a facility where she is being cared for. Be glad of that. Your nephew is unlikely to get custody of this child you mentioned above. Your sister is not interested in sharing with you what is going on in her family. Be glad of that. It's a bunch of bad news that you can do nothing about.

What can a therapist possibly tell you? I expect any therapist would agree with you that this branch of your extended family is a mess. But it's not your mess. Be very glad about that.

[divine1966]

I am so sorry. What a painful story. Do see a therapist to help you accepting that these people are toxic to the high degree. You can't change them. Sending hugs

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[*Laurie*]

Originally Posted by Rose76

It is beyond hard. It is impossible to "cope" with any of this. Having said that. I see nothing confusing here. What do you imagine you can possibly do to "handle" any of this wall-to-wall tragedy? Do you imagine yourself organizing an "intervention" to get your nephew to stop drinking? If you are entertaining any such fantasy, I would strongly encourage you to get yourself to some Al-Anon meetings and grab an armful of their literature. This whole mess is not yours to handle.

Consider whether you have knowledge of child abuse that you have a moral obligation to report. If you do, then make a report of what facts you have direct knowledge of. Beyond that, protect yourself and your own children from any enanglements that will only have an unwholesome effect on your lives.

By all means, remember these wretched folk in your daily prayers. Then focus on your own responsibilites. Fixing your nephew is not your job. You probably have zero capacity to affect anything going on with your sister, her son or her grand-daughter. Your grand-niece is in a facility where she is being cared for. Be glad of that. Your nephew is unlikely to get custody of this child you mentioned above. Your sister is not interested in sharing with you what is going on in her family. Be glad of that. It's a bunch of bad news that you can do nothing about.

What can a therapist possibly tell you? I expect any therapist would agree with you that this branch of your extended family is a mess. But it's not your mess. Be very glad about that.

No...I have absolutely zero intention of trying to intervene with my nephew's drinking. The issues I'm having (besides grieving what has happened to my great-niece) are with my sister and her abusive behavior over many, many years. When my niece shot herself, that shot was the exploding culmination of decades of dysfunctional crap in my family that only I have faced and tried to deal with by becoming more mentally healthy. I have broken cycles of abuse, while my sisters have not.

If I talk with a therapist, it will be with the purpose of how to function with my sister (my decades of anger at her, which I've stuffed inside). I'm confused because I don't know whether to try and repair things with my sister, or whether it's time to say ENOUGH and accept that she and I are estranged. And IF we are estranged, how do I cope with family situations (for example, my other sister, our cousins), etc.? My own relationship to my extended family would be what I'd work on in therapy.

[*Laurie*]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I am so sorry. What a painful story. Do see a therapist to help you accepting that these people are toxic to the high degree. You can't change them. Sending hugs

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Thank you so very much, divine.

[LeeeLeee]

Denial happens because suicide attempts are extremely difficult to face for extended family who undoubtedly feel undue responsibilty for the choice of the person attempting.

Most people don't have much training in the psychology of suicidal behavior and it's unrealistic to expect the immediate family and caregivers to respond gracefully.

You sound like a loving and compassionate person. Take this one day at a time. There is no point in anyone assigning blame to anyone else so if you encounter this behavior, encourage that although the circumstances were less than ideal, the main goal is to get her healthy now.

I highly recommend this group. https://afsp.org/

best of luck to all.

[Rose76]

Originally Posted by LauraBeth

The issues I'm having . . . . . are with my sister and her abusive behavior over many, many years. . . . . .decades of dysfunctional crap in my family that only I have faced and tried to deal with by becoming more mentally healthy. I have broken cycles of abuse, while my sisters have not.

If I talk with a therapist, it will be with the purpose of how to function with my sister (my decades of anger at her, which I've stuffed inside). . . .

It's a great accomplishment to come from a dysfunctional background and rise above it. Being mentally healthy and raising your own children to be successful human beings is something you can take satisfaction in. Your sister is who she is and, at age 71, is unlikely to change very much. You can't "repair" a relationship with her. If you're thinking you'ld like to take all the anger that you've stuffed and verbalize it to her, then I think you do need to see a therapist. You need to get to the bottom of what's really bothering you. You're not "furious" because your sister has been a lousy parent, as I can easily believe she has been. What did your sister do to you that you so deeply resent? What were the problems in the home that she and you grew up in? That might be something to explore in therapy.

You've portrayed your sister as the matriarch of a family system that is a complete mess. I believe you. But I feel like I'm not sure what your main point is. I have a sibling who is a complete mess. I could tell you how he drinks and drugs and goes in and out of jail and prison and has terrible relations with people. But those are his problems. I've learned I can't do a darn thing about them. It may be you need to separate yourself mentally from the dysfunction of your extended family.

There is no having a healthy relationship with someone like your sister, or your nephew, or your grand-niece. I've had to accept that there is no having a relationship with my brother that isn't crazy-making for me. In the case of some people, all you can really do is lament the waste and calamity that their lives have become and move on with taking care of what it is your business to take care of - your own life, your own immediate family.

[*Laurie*]

Thank you, LeeeLeee.

And thank you, Rose. Yes, I did break abuse cycles while raising my own kids and I am thrilled to say that both of my children (now grown) are doing very well with life.

I'm not sure I have a 'main point' so much...I am just trying to adjust to the fact that at long last, I have the opportunity to accept that my extended family (or most of it) is a highly dysfunctional mess. That my sisters are 15 and 18 years older than I am plays a real part in this, too. Unfortunately, they did not grow up in a world in which mental health was openly discussed. Family problems were to be kept secret, hidden, and not examined. I grew up in a very different world...a world in which 'you're as sick as your secrets'. A society in which getting help for one's mental health challenges is desirable.

Basically, I am just trying to adjust to all of this while remaining healthy myself, and not slip into my own terrible depression.

[Rose76]

If you feel in danger of slipping into "terrible depression," then it might be good for you to explore that with a therapist.

The problems in the lives of your relatives need not be your problems. There should even be a limit to how much time and mental energy you expend on them. None of these people are ever likely to straighten out. From time to time you're apt to hear more sad news about them. That doesn't need to precipitate crisis in your life.

How wonderful that your children have grown up successfully. Pat yourself on the back for a hard job well done. You don't need to "adjust" to your sisters' screwed up lives. That's their problem.

You must have successfully separated yourself from your dysfunctional family of origin long ago. Otherwise, your kids wouldn't be doing so well. Obviously, heavy drinking and abuse is not what goes on in your life. Finish the job of separating. You don't have to be unpleasant towards your relatives. Feel free to send them a Christmas card. But I wouldn't go spending much time around people like that in their world, nor would I want to spend much time entertaining them in mine. If you're not drinking excessively and having all kinds of drama going on in your life, they probably don't find you all that interesting. If, basically, they are not actually bothering you in some way, then be glad they leave you alone and all you have to do is leave them alone. Keep it just that straightforward and don't create confusion for yourself.

[*Laurie*]

Yes, I have had limited contact with my extended family for decades. Definitely while my kids were growing up. It was after my children went off to college and I was an empty-nester that I became somewhat closer (although, not very) to my sisters. I did feel a very special connection with my great-niece, and I stepped up to give her some guidance and love when she was 17-18. Sadly, by that time in her rough life she was already badly damaged. Thank God, though, that she knows I love her, no matter what.
Rose, you're awesome! Thank you.

[*Laurie*]

Ugh. I have an appointment with my very kind pdoc today and I am terribly anxious...I am facing telling her about my great-niece...somehow, telling my pdoc is like exposing a nerve, or like making this horrifying event too real. Yesterday I looked at a photograph I have of my great-niece and my daughter together. The picture was taken while my g-niece was participating in an art event. In the photo, she is splashed with colorful paint and looks so pleased with herself. I looked at her lovely eyes and thought, Those eyes are blind now, she's blind now...she shot herself and she's blind now.

[*Laurie*]

My pdoc said my whole family is grieving at this time. That is true.