Dating bipolar man, need commentary and advice

Thanks to all who post here, Im glad there is such a forum for these issues. Heres my story.

I met a guy, age 50 on a bulletin board last year, I met him in person to continue our friendship, and he was ok for a bit until I realized he would start exploding in public. He was jealous of everyone that showed interest in me, and I began confronting him about it. He took this confrontation to be meaningless and attacking him, when I was confronting him about why he was doing it.

As time went by, I realized that he had an addiction to porn and marijuana. I only came to this conclusion because when he would "whip out the weed" he would try inhaling it about every 5-10 min to the point it became obvious. When I asked why he was doing it, he had a justification "Its cheap weed you have to take this much to get an effect". When it came time to have sex, he would couldnt do it. It came to the point when I had to confront him online as to why we couldnt have sex. He justified that he was "very sexual" but that he saw so much porn by the time I came over "I am spent".. this went on and on.. followed by crazy angry outbursts, namecalling etc. I was in tears more times than I cared to remember. I kept forgiving him because I realized something was wrong. I recommended therapy. I figured out he was bipolar by the signs. He admitted one day that one doctor said he was bipolar, while another said he was not. Whatever that meant. Finally I left him last year after dating him for 9 months and only maybe having sex 3 times in all that time. It was an off and on "relationship" because he was kind of far from me and I was getting fed up again and again. At one point we didnt see each other for 2 months in that 9 months span.

Nine more months went by, I had moved on with my life, I wasn't dating anyone but I occasionally went out with friends, just trying to "live life". I saw a thread on a board where he was at where he wanted a "truce" with me. I answered him, it was the first time he had ever written anything like that.

Even though "truce" is a funny word, considering I was not the one that wanted to fight, or was blowing up.

In May I met him again and thought we could be friends as we had some history. He said he had become reflective about himself and had changed. I went to his place, and he had just purchased marijuana, after telling me he hadnt had any for months but had "bought it for me". I was surprised, as I didnt require it for socializing. He was very nervous around me. He said I made him nervous.

Come to find out, he smoked pot the same way, he was STILL using porn, and even when I reacted to this knowledge, he claimed to stop, and then later I found out he was still watching it. After he realized how much it bothered me and how it had come between us, he finally stopped.. and although I have no proof of this, I think he finally stopped the porn. But the insomnia.. the bad sleeping patterns, the problems, the anger, the exploding, the namecalling, followed by SHORT days of lucidity it seems, apologizing, etc has returned.

Im really upset about this, and believed in him when he said he had changed. I want to know how to talk to him, so that I don't upset him. But it seems whatever I say, he turned into some kind of conspiracy against him. He is constantly calling me, and if I don't answer soon enough, he thinks Im "out with someone else". He projects and thinks everythings my fault, he's namecalling again, being disrespectful, there is no sex, even tho the pot and the porn is now gone.

He's been calling me lately and asking me why I get so "mad about things". I am speechless. I don't know what to say. Part of me is suprised, another part not surprised, another part wants to now punch his face for having dragged me into this based on my faith in people.

He is now actually BLAMING ME and pretending it is I that has the problem!!

What in the living hell do I do? How bad OFF is he.. THAT I REALLY WANT TO BE ABLE TO GAUGE because I feel guilty just leaving him, knowing that if I do, he will slowly unravel on his own.

I am a very healing and helpful sort of person, and my conscience bothers me too much to just leave him. I at least want to be the GOOD FRIEND that I know I can be for people. I am always there for people, I believe in great friendship, although I don't always feel I receive it in my life, I do know what it means and what it takes to be a good lifelong friend. I just feel sorry for him, I know something is wrong with him,.. when I have suggested therapy, when Ive demanded therapy, he tells me I need therapy, or he tells me he doesnt believe in doctors, or that he tried Lithium before with something else and it made him sick. A bad experience. I feel caught, unappreciated and used as I listen to, understand, care for, heal, help and simultaneously tolerate this person.

Whyisit women often feel guilty for acting in their own best interest? I would run--not walk--away from this one. You can't fix him, and he doesn't sound like great boyfriend material, anyway.

If YOU can I would walk away now............ there are other fish in the sea that YOU can connect with and maybe even fall in LoVe with - this one has to many emotional issue that sends up a Red Flag to me.

Im not looking for a relationship Ive been single for 7 years and that remains the same. I wouldn't involve myself unless I knew it was the right person.. ie: healthy connections and communication..he would be a positive enhancement to my life and I would be to his, etc.

I had walked away last year.. and I gave him another chance as a friend this year, thinking maybe he did pause for reflection and realize himself. For a while I wasn't sure that he was bipolar, and he keeps denying he is. I have had more patience than the "average bear" for this person BECAUSE I know he has these issues, otherwise I would walk away. I am a very strong person and thats why I've been around, for friendship, for someone he can talk to when he's not "swinging". It is when the person begins to think that my strength is weakness, or my being there is my wanting abuse, that I have to walk away. Its amazing to me that anyone would ever come to such a half crocked conclusion that anyone would be enjoying the drama, and that they are in your life for any other reason than compassion. I guess some people enjoy drama, I never have..but it seems so many people are dramatic, in my workplace, I can't get away from it. People with issues gratitate towards me to talk about them, but never do anything about them. They usually have no idea how much experience and advice I myself have doled out, all they know is, Im a great listener and point out things they never thought of.

I know life is not only about teaching but learning. Ive never not wanted to learn, I think thats why I know so much in part, because I've always been open to learning through others, in relation to other human beings.

Other than running away from him, that I can do anytime, and that 99% of women knowing him would do.. are you saying theres no way to talk to him, communicate with him, that would calm him down? Are you saying that only meds and therapy will help him? I Have offered to go with him... but how does he find a good doctor and good start? Is there a place where he can look for this?

Also is the way he acts typical bipolar behavior.

I looked into the thread about bipolars and their sleeping problems. Much to my disappointment, he has nightmares as some of the others posters posted. He too has said sometimes he doesn't sleep "because of the nightmares". What causes these nightmares that they would exist in so many bipolars? Whats going on inside the mind that creates this and so many of the shared characteristics?? Im new at this, I have to know.

Thanks

They probably have more compassion and aren't as cutting as men can be at times. Well I know they are more emotional and sensitive and caring. I have seen a lot of difference in the genders throughout my life. Of course I am referring to women who "work their good side".

I have always felt that if I had knowledge that I can pass on, it is my duty to at least pass it on. To hide it and let someone suffer seems to me not only a waste on my part, but a disservice. I would feel guilty walking away being keenly aware of his situation and feeling I didnt at least do a few things that would have pointed him in the right direction for healing. I do not have a list of doctors, I don't know where therapy clinics are, I know nothing about this. Thats why Im here.

Well you can certainly support him, and I'm sure he'd be glad of such support, but the truth is, he must be willing to realise that he has a problem and want to fix it.

If it is bipolar, then he should definitely try to get some help. If you can encourage him to talk to a doctor or counsellor or therapist, that's the first step. If he doesn't want help, you don't have to run away, but be aware the situation will most likely get worse and may in turn cause problems and bad feelings for you, which you don't need.

I think one of the most important things, whatever you choose, is to realise at the end of the day that this is his problem, not yours, and while you can certainly help, you can't fix it without him wanting it to be fixed. You should make sure your world doesn't become entirely focused on him, be supportive, but set boundaries so you're not dragged down also.

You may also want to consider posting in the Caregivers forum... some of the people there will have practical experience in this matter.

Good luck, and whatever happens, you are an amazing person for caring this much.

Well thanks thats so nice of you to write <font color="red"> </font> that. I have fought with him though, screamed and hung up the phone. He's a crazy maker, but I wanted to figure out how I can stay neutral now realizing that he is indeed bipolar. You see I was HOPING he wasn't, I was hoping I was mistaken. I was even hoping it was something else.

I just read a new article on bipolarism that stated from new research bipolarism shrinks the brain and is progressive. Thats distressing and nothing I would want to find out. Have you heard of this? A disease once hardly recognized and many people thought a myth, is now being taken very seriously.

I have met people online as well who very casually state that they have been diagnosed as "bipolar" by their doctor, but they don't seem concerned with it, and they even tell me, they don't believe the diagnosis. At the time I never really said much about it, as I didn't know anything about it.

Now its all becoming abundantly clear something is going on and I don't like it at all, but at least I know WHAT IT IS. You see, I just didn't really know if he was bipolar, and now, sadly, I know.

So on to the next level, but in the meantime, how do I deal with him until I can help him go get help. I did tell him I would accompany him.

I will also check out your suggestions about the caregivers forum. Thanks!

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
meander said:
Well you can certainly support him, and I'm sure he'd be glad of such support, but the truth is, he must be willing to realise that he has a problem and want to fix it.

If it is bipolar, then he should definitely try to get some help. If you can encourage him to talk to a doctor or counsellor or therapist, that's the first step. If he doesn't want help, you don't have to run away, but be aware the situation will most likely get worse and may in turn cause problems and bad feelings for you, which you don't need.

I think one of the most important things, whatever you choose, is to realise at the end of the day that this is his problem, not yours, and while you can certainly help, you can't fix it without him wanting it to be fixed. You should make sure your world doesn't become entirely focused on him, be supportive, but set boundaries so you're not dragged down also.

You may also want to consider posting in the Caregivers forum... some of the people there will have practical experience in this matter.

Good luck, and whatever happens, you are an amazing person for caring this much.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> <font color="orange"> </font>

Administrative edit

Administrative edit

It might be helpful to explore with a therapist why you are attracted to a relationship that you know is not healthy for you. The fact that he's on your thread makes me think he's also a stalker.

Cerulean,

The best advice I can give you is that you are into something what is way over your ability to deal with....no matter how caring or sorry you feel for this person or how strong you think you are. There is more to bipolar than signs & what you may have figured out is only the tip of the ice berg. It takes good psychiatrists finding out the right combination of meds that will work to stablize the person before therapy will ever even be able to help. Just finding meds that will work let alone be tolerated by the person is a long involved process that the person has to want to cooperate with & be willing to continually adjust as time goes on. It is a lifetime process for the person & without their desire to take care of themselves, there is nothing anyone else can do.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Cerulean said:
I was in tears more times than I cared to remember. I kept forgiving him because I realized
something was wrong. I recommended therapy. I figured out he was bipolar by the signs.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">


Just wondering...you must have been following his posts over the 9 months to know it was the first time he had ever written anything like that????

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Cerulean said:
Nine more months went by, I had moved on with my life, I wasn't dating anyone but I occasionally went out with friends, just trying to "live life". I saw a thread on a board where he was at where he wanted a "truce" with me. I answered him, it was the first time he had ever written anything like that.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">


If you did any research on bipolar, you would know that it's not something that just goes away because someone becomes reflective about themselves. They can't change what they are. It's an illness that has to be treated. The other issues he has are much more serious than the lack of sex because of the pot & port. The bipolar issues should have been the things that came between you more than the pot & porn????

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Cerulean said:
In May I met him again and thought we could be friends as we had some history. He said he had become reflective about himself and had changed.....
.......After he realized how much it bothered me and how it had come between us, he finally stopped.........But the insomnia.. the bad sleeping patterns, the problems, the anger, the exploding, the namecalling, followed by SHORT days of lucidity it seems, apologizing, etc has returned.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">


Since you realized that he was dealing with bipolar, I'm not sure why you are upset about the situation. Like I said....change isn't even possible unless he's being treated by a Dr & on meds that will help. Until that happens, there is no way to talk to him without this pattern continuing. You said you thought you could be friends.....why in the world would you even want to have sex with someone like this???? That just doesn't make any sense to me at all????

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Cerulean said:
Im really upset about this, and believed in him when he said he had changed. I want to know how to talk to him, so that I don't upset him. But it seems whatever I say, he turned into some kind of conspiracy against him. He is constantly calling me, and if I don't answer soon enough, he thinks Im "out with someone else". He projects and thinks everythings my fault, he's namecalling again, being disrespectful, there is no sex, even tho the pot and the porn is now gone.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">


Honestly, he didn't drag you back into the relationship. You say you are such a strong person? Being strong means that you are in control of what you do & don't do....in control of the choices you make. No one makes a strong person do anything they don't want to do in the first place. Then to have faith in a person who you know by the signs to be bipolar is very lacking in good common sense.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Cerulean said:
He's been calling me lately and asking me why I get so "mad about things". I am speechless. I don't know what to say. Part of me is suprised, another part not surprised, another part wants to now punch his face for having dragged me into this based on my faith in people.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">


</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Cerulean said:
What in the living hell do I do? How bad OFF is he.. THAT I REALLY WANT TO BE ABLE TO GAUGE because I feel guilty just leaving him, knowing that if I do, he will slowly unravel on his own.

I am a very healing and helpful sort of person, and my conscience bothers me too much to just leave him. I at least want to be the GOOD FRIEND that I know I can be for people. I am always there for people, I believe in great friendship, although I don't always feel I receive it in my life, I do know what it means and what it takes to be a good lifelong friend. I just feel sorry for him, I know something is wrong with him,.. when I have suggested therapy, when Ive demanded therapy, he tells me I need therapy, or he tells me he doesnt believe in doctors, or that he tried Lithium before with something else and it made him sick. A bad experience. I feel caught, unappreciated and used as I listen to, understand, care for, heal, help and simultaneously tolerate this person.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Honestly, the only thing to do in this situation is to leave it alone completely. Drop it & don't go back....don't respond to anything in the future. You know how bad OFF he is....you can see it right in front of your eyes. There is no reason to feel guilty. He had the problem before you ever met him & until he feels the need to get help, he will continue to have the problem forever & there is NOTHING you can do about it!!!!!!!

You are not caught in this situation except for what you are letting yourself be caught or used. You want to feel appreciated....this is not the place where you will ever get that feeling so you don't expect it. You can't possibly understand, help, or heal the situation because even the person themselves or family that lives around people with bipolar let alone the professionals that treat them don't always have a good understanding.

As far as friendship goes.....this is a one sided situation....being that you are the only one trying to be the friend & that just isn't friendship. You can't base a friendship on feeling sorry for the other person who really doesn't care about themselves or you. As long as you try being friends with those types of people, you won't ever receive friendship from them. This may be why you say that you don't always feel that you RECEIVE friendship in your life. If you are always trying to be friends with people who aren't capable of giving friendship you will never have true friendships in your life.

Honestly, it wouldn't be a bad idea for you to get into therapy. Not for the reasons he is saying, but because It might help you learn how to keep from getting into situations like this. Learn how to manage your own life & relationships in a more healthy way. It can help you learn your own limitations & the things you can have control over in your life & what you can't.

I tried to provide a commentary based on what you have said here & as I said already, my only advice is to drop any contact with him at all. No contact no matter what....especially after I see that he is posting in response to your thread here. That is a very dangerous sign & I would be very nervous about having anything to do with a person like that. Not knowing if it is stalking or what & not knowing what is going on in their mind.....you just don't want to mess around with a situation like that.

Please take care of yourself & look out for your own safety even if your intentions are good, sometimes that can get you into dangerous situations,
Debbie