[stolemyheart87]

Out of all the relationships I have been in, all of them have been long distance in the Los Angeles, California area's, the distance being anywhere from 50 miles to 60 miles, which is about 45 minutes to 1 hour drive time. 1-2 hour riding the bus and train system.

This current guy I have been dating for the past 2 months, and been on 4 dates with, him and I live 50-60 miles a part, he works about 45 minutes a part from me. His work schedule as he says, makes it hard for him to date, but to me, I call that BS. He works Monday through Friday 8AM to 6PM having to get up at 6AM to be at work by 8AM.

So my thing is that I love going to concerts, so concerts can pop up throughout the week, Monday through Sunday, and if a band I want to see pops up on a Tuesday night, and I ask him "Hey let's go to this show, the band doesn't play til 9PM. I got the free tickets, you just pay for parking $5-10 bucks".

If he gets off work at 6PM he could easily be at my place to pick me up by 7 if not 8 and then we can off to the show, be there by 8:30, just in time to catch the band who will likely play a 90 minute set, so we'd be outa there by 11PM if not midnight 12AM. Then time it takes to get back to my place, about 20-30 minutes from the concert, and then he has to drive home at 1AM most likely, him being home by 2AM-3AM and him getting a little bit of time sleeping, since he has to be up at 6AM.

He says he can't do this, due to what I just described, when yet I had my ex's do this and they hardly ever complained about it. I want to be able to take this guy to shows but yet he won't make the effort to do it.

I have heard if the guy really is interested or likes you he will make the time for you, and do whatever for you, to make you happy etc. No matter the time, distance, driving, etc.

But to me, hearing him not want to do it, due to the distance, driving, and it being during the week, come on now. Your 35 yes thats old but come on you can do it, I know others who are older 40's or 50s and do this, how come they can do it and you can't?

What would you do if you were in this situation?

[healingme4me]

How spontaneous are these concerts? What are his ideas on getting together?

It's tough for me to classify this entirely into the category of if they want to be with you, they'll make it happen. Needs to be some give and take.

He could very well be the type of man that has the type of job where a couple of hours of sleep just won't do? Is he not open to this, at all, ever? Or would he consider taking a day off from work with a fair amount of planning?

[Bill3]

Well i could not manage work the next day on that schedule, no matter how interedted i might be in the person who proposes it. Maybe he isn't the one for you.

[~Christina]

I also couldn't handle the next work day doing all that after work running and very limited sleep before another work day.

You have only invested 2 months into this relationship, why not end things on good terms and find someone closer that enjoys and can deal with lack of sleep .

[BipolarMama31]

I couldnt work with such little sleep and such an active day previously.
Others can, i envy them.

Does he decline on weekends also?

If concerts are a huge part of what you enjoy and how you like to spend your time, and he says no, are you the right fit?

If you two ended up living together, would he still decline?

Im not sure here about the right or wrong advice to give. Just offering some questions to think about that came to my head when i read your post.

[stolemyheart87]

He loves concerts but can only go on the weekend Saturdays MAYBE Sunday's but again he has work the next day. During the week due to his schedule he says it won't work, but I know it can work if he really wanted too.

[LeeeLeee]

It really doesn't matter that you heard "the guy" does this or that, what matters are what each of you feel okay with. I think it's unfair to have these male/female expectations based on gender stereotypes and data read about on dating blogs.

Maybe during the week, going to see bands is your thing. His explanation and reasons for not wanting to take you out to shows during the week aren't all that unreasonable. Maybe something a bit earlier could be nice? Might you be willing to meet at the venue and each get home on your own if it lands during the week? If you care about and respect each other, it's time to compromise and create good memories, not power plays.

[Bill3]

During the week due to his schedule he says it won't work, but I know it can work if he really wanted too.

How do you know that it can work if he "really wanted" it to?

He gave you his response and to many of us his response seems reasonable, even if not what you want to hear.

Since you doubt this response, I wonder how trustworthy you find him.

[winter4me]

I feel bad saying this but this sounds like "If you loved me you would....for me", which sounds like emotional blackmail. What do you do to show him you really care, how out of your way would you go? I would not last in a relationship that demanded loss of sleep, or for that matter, loss of time I might need to myself.

[winter4me]

How 'bout you pick concerts near him, you pick him up & get him home the time he wants to be home to rest for work the next day?

[divine1966]

You are saying if he cared he'd be going to these concerts. He can say if you cared you would not demand he stays up all night in the middle of the week. I don't know any working people who go to concerts in the middle of the week.

How important are these concerts? Once in a life time kind of thing? Pavarotti came to town? You only dated this guy two months and you demand he gives up sleep.

My husband and I lived 60 miles away when you dated. We did all kind of things but neither demanded other person gives up sleep during work week. Not a good start for a relationship.

I just saw that you only had 4 dates with him. It's extremely unreasonable demand of someone you saw only 4 times

[TheDeepGreenSea]

Almost everything about the situation you described sounds unreasonable to me. I wouldn't date someone who expected me to sacrifice my job performance by getting 3-4 hours of sleep just to go to a concert during the week with them. All of that PLUS they'd expect me to drive.

I will volunteer to lose sleep if we're out and having a good time and want to continue talking or doing something together. The fact that you expect him to do that to prove his interest is entirely different, it comes across to me like a lack of empathy and consideration. Also after only 4 dates expectations like that are worrying. Your priorities should be getting to know each other, not having him go through some sort of trial by fire to entertain you. Does he even like these bands?

For age reference I'm 32 and I wouldn't put up with it now, nor would I have even when I was much younger.

[avlady]

yes, plan to go to his place or town first before more dates

[scorpiosis37]

I agree with Divine and DeepGreenSea. Asking a working adult to do so much driving and get 3 hours of sleep on a work night is unreasonable, especially since you barely know each other! I'm also on date 4 with the person I've just started seeing, and I certainly would not do that for her or ask her to do that for me. Losing sleep one night will affect him, his sleep cycle, and his work performance for several days. I know when I lose sleep one day, it takes several days to get back on track. And I'm only 31. Why not drive to his area and do an activity near him? Show that you can compromise 50%. Plus, why not spend your limited time together talking and learning about each other. It's hard to get to know someone in a concert setting; it's too loud to talk at all. Save the concerts for after you've already gotten to learn about each other. It's not unreasonable to ask a partner to go to one concert like this in a blue moon. It's just unreasonable right away, in the middle of the work week.

[stolemyheart87]

Well maybe he will be able to go to a show with me during the week in the future. For now him and I have to make the best of it, on the weekend for now.

[brainy]

First, 35 is not old. And I wouldn't feel someone can do something based merely on what other people can do.
We all have individual needs. Even identical twins have individual needs.
You said you've heard that if a guy is interested in you, he would make the time for you and so forth. While that's true in a nut shell, my question for you is where exactly did you hear that? It sounds like something from those online so-called relationship "experts."
Each man, each woman, has to decide what works for them. Not what others say, including girlfriends.
For you to decide for him what's best for him in regard to his individual schedule, (which boils down to his health), is almost playing like you're his mother. And even then you'll have to realize that he's a grown man.
The bottom line here is I don't see what the problem is.
I mean, one or two people are telling me to leave my guy. Why? Because they don't feel he's feeling/showing anything. Yet I've never been one to need showy things. Just a little is enough for me, it means a LOT! Are you kidding me? A smile would make my day! Nope, not hard to please at all.
Stop worrying or concerning yourself with what's supposed to be. Enjoy the moment with your guy. He's not too much into concerts? Fine. Find something else to do. Better yet, go to a concert by yourself, or with your girl pals. Then sometime later, go or do something with your guy that you both like and love. Hey! How about just a walk somewhere? There are sooo many things you and him can do together without you fretting over a concert, no matter how much you would love to do it with him.
Does he drink coffee? There's Starbucks. Does he drink tea? There's tea spots. Does he read? There are libraries, book stores, etc. Ok. So you don't fancy those things? Fine. How about you do it for him as in go inside, and sit while he enjoys that time. He will appreciate your effort.

[A Red Panda]

I gotta say.... I would never stay with someone who made such an unreasonable demand of me.

You haven't said what his job is. But most responsible adults need to sleep. He is taking care of his health and his career.

You didn't include any downtime, or time to eat supper, or anything at all. And you expect him to just do that all spontaneously when you find something last minute?

Honestly I have a hard time believing you're serious about that. Plus expecting him to drive? To pick you up, go to the venue, drive you home and then drive himself home?

I'm someone who tends to just do what people want. But I have my limits. What you request goes so very far beyond them for me.

If it's the kind of lifestyle you like, and he doesn't, then you'd be best to end things now and look for someone else who has the same outlook on life as you.

I'm 32. 35 isn't old. Some people just want and enjoy downtime after work (could be physically demanding or stressful and who knows what else).... And most people enjoy some routine, and nearly everyone enjoys their life better when they get a proper sleep.

[LiteraryLark]

Originally Posted by stolemyheart87

If he gets off work at 6PM he could easily be at my place to pick me up by 7 if not 8 and then we can off to the show, be there by 8:30, just in time to catch the band who will likely play a 90 minute set, so we'd be outa there by 11PM if not midnight 12AM. Then time it takes to get back to my place, about 20-30 minutes from the concert, and then he has to drive home at 1AM most likely, him being home by 2AM-3AM and him getting a little bit of time sleeping, since he has to be up at 6AM.

He says he can't do this, due to what I just described, when yet I had my ex's do this and they hardly ever complained about it. I want to be able to take this guy to shows but yet he won't make the effort to do it.

Three hours. Three hours of sleep. Three hours of sleep followed by ten hours of work. THAT is what I call BS. Seriously? Seriously!? You expect him to spend 9 hours driving you around to a show you "like" because you "like" going to concerts so he can get three hours of sleep before working a ten hour day? Are you F-ING kidding me? That's extremely selfish. What do you give him in return? Gas money? Dinner--unless of course you expect him to cough up money for dinner and the concert tickets as well? Do you actually do anything that would make 9 hours of driving you around and getting three hours of sleep worth while?

Oh, btw, he's not your ex, and there's a reason your ex is your ex.

Originally Posted by stolemyheart87

I have heard if the guy really is interested or likes you he will make the time for you, and do whatever for you, to make you happy etc. No matter the time, distance, driving, etc.

You're thinking of two people: Prince Charming and Sugar Daddies. Prince Charming doesn't exist and Sugar Daddies come with a price, which usually involves sexual favors.

Originally Posted by stolemyheart87

But to me, hearing him not want to do it, due to the distance, driving, and it being during the week, come on now. Your 35 yes thats old but come on you can do it, I know others who are older 40's or 50s and do this, how come they can do it and you can't?

What would you do if you were in this situation?

Because he is an adult with adult responsibilities? Like, choosing to keep a well respectable job over spending 9 hours of driving you around to go out to a concert every week?

If you are soooooo persistent about going to concerts...why don't you go by yourself? Do you even pay for your own tickets? Can you even drive to the concert? Or do you rely on your boyfriend to take you to these places and buy the things you want?

If I were in your situation, I'd go to the concert by yourself. If you really can't live without your concerts, then you don't need someone else to go with you.

BTW I am 23 years old and I do not have the energy to pull off that BS of either dragging someone to go to a concert with me or being dragged to go to a concert with three hours of sleep. F that S.

[divine1966]

The guy isn't a BF. They only went on 4 dates and did not have much in common. Don't know what's this all about

Have to say I would not be okay with the schedule/limited sleep you propose - except maybe a one off for a special gig. If I don't get enough rest I simply don't function well later.

If he is making time for you at the weekend and seems engaged enough when he is with you then that's what I would be judging the relationship on.

[stolemyheart87]

Whatever none of you are metalheads, rockers, or punks that love concerts as much as I do. I know people who do go to shows during the week and have work the next day, and sleep less hours and still go to shows. So come on now, if they can do it, so can this guy. He is just making excuses. Plus he's the one that's complaining about not being able to see me much, WELL COME OVER DURING THE WEEK AND WE CAN DO MORE? Hello!!!!!!!

[stolemyheart87]

You need to stop for a second. 1. I work in the music industry, I get free tickets to these concerts, when I go and cover them, I pay for parking. He can pay for gas and dinner, unless we eat dinner before we meet. And I have always wanted my Boyfriend's to go with me to these concerts, to see the lifestyle I live and the work I do, I cover concerts, photograph said concerts, interview musicians and get paid for it! I can and would go to concerts by myself but I would prefer to go with someone like my Boyfriend, because I figured he would be supportive, caring, and love me enough to always be there for me.

[~Christina]

You have had 4 dates. I'm sorry I don't consider that a boyfriend girlfriend deal.

Maybe you have more leeway when it comes to what hours you work and it's easier for you to be out and about during the week.

Why don't you make a trip ( and pay for it) a few times a week to spend time with this man ?

I'm sorry I think your being outrageous expecting so much from a potential boyfriend at this point, I'm personally glad that he takes his work and livelihood seriously.

I wish you luck finding someone that can jump when you want to go do things , I'm sure you will find someone more suitable.

[Bill3]

I know people who do go to shows during the week and have work the next day, and sleep less hours and still go to shows.

These people sound like better matches for you than the guy about whom you have been speaking here.

[Michelea]

Think you need to go out with someone who wants to do this, instead of trying to force someone into doing what they don't want to do. How would you feel if someone did this to you?

Betting there's a good chance that he is already losing interest in going out with you anymore.