Far Away Dating

stolemyheart87 · Sep 25, 2016, 03:22 PM

Well out of all of the relationships I have been in, all have been long distance, average drive time being about 40-60 minutes, around 50-60 miles distance.

But NOW I am facing a new issue. This new guy and I have been talking and getting to know each other, and we live in the same state of California but we live 3 hours a part from one another.

Been talking to a new guy for a few days, both of us are looking to date, wanting a relationship and see where it goes. We both share similar interests and have things in common. We talk everyday since we started talking. He lives at home with his family, and I live at home with my family.

Now he does drive, and he also works, as a supervisor at a Home Depot as a Freight Handler, working 10 hour days, graveyard shift, 8:30PM to 6:00AM, Monday through Friday. He has Saturday and Sunday OFF.

So he doesn't mind driving down here and seeing me. But when that will be, he says he has to see when he has time off to do so. Since he has the weekend's off, that would be a good time to drive down and spend the weekend with me and us hanging out and date one another.

But here's the thing, I went and asked him out, told him next weekend let's go to a drive in movie and see a movie, it's happening next Saturday October 1st starts at 7PM.

He replies with "I can't next weekend. I have to help my mom with the shed".

I then have also asked him let's talk on the phone or video chat, I already asked him twice, the first time I said "Hey I am ready now if you want to video chat." This was around 12PM since he works graveyard shift he fell asleep and didn't wake up til 3PM. He had replied back saying "I just woke up".

We never video chatted. So later around 5PM I asked him again if he wanted to video chat and he replied with "I'm going to the store but when I get back we can",

He returned home from the store and had said "I actually passed out when I got home".

I know what your thinking, if he has the weekend's off, why was he working Saturday night? He was working overtime so he went into work.

So when it comes down to this guy, what do you think, do you think this can really work out, or is it already dead in the water?

divine1966 · Sep 25, 2016, 03:49 PM

Why don't you focus on getting a job and moving out and getting yourself mental heakth help? What's this obsession with men?

Michelea · Sep 25, 2016, 03:52 PM

You mean work out as far as being able to meet each other? Dunno, I wouldn't drive three hours to meet someone I met online. Quit contacting him and see what he does.

~Christina · Sep 25, 2016, 03:59 PM

You just yelled on one of your many other threads " STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO!!!

And now this thread ? Do you just want to type out stuff and not get advise? If so maybe you should start a blog .

LiteraryLark · Sep 25, 2016, 04:21 PM

Might as well keep hitting that little red triangle...

And I agree with Christina and everyone who has spoken to you.

There are OTHER MEMBERS who truly need advice and the entire Relationship wall is solely your threads seeking advice you ignore or won't take. It's flat out rude.

Crazy Hitch · Sep 25, 2016, 05:50 PM

If you invested the same energy into finding a job as you do in desperately trying to date you'd solve your problems by having gainful employment and not having to live at home.

stolemyheart87 · Sep 25, 2016, 06:23 PM

Well I give up then. Don't find it fair that everyone else on these forums can get help and I can't. I know you gave me advice, I UNDERSTAND I need a job and my own live and to get out. Don't you get that. I know that. But hey you won't believe anything I have to say anyway. So why does it matter?

A Red Panda · Sep 25, 2016, 06:45 PM

We can't help you more than we already have.

All we can do is give advice. And share opinions on what we see of your behaviour on the forum - that's what we observe.

You disagree with all of it, and get angry and rude in response.

We can offer thoughts and opinions. What else do you want?

LiteraryLark · Sep 25, 2016, 09:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stolemyheart87

Well I give up then. Don't find it fair that everyone else on these forums can get help and I can't. I know you gave me advice, I UNDERSTAND I need a job and my own live and to get out. Don't you get that. I know that. But hey you won't believe anything I have to say anyway. So why does it matter?

So in 10 relationship advice threads not a single person who commented gave you a hint of advice?

One thread with all your questions would be fine...but 10? Most don't have the energy to give the same advice 10 times.

Bill3 · Sep 25, 2016, 09:26 PM

It has only been a few days. It is too soon to tell whether it can work out or not.

If he is interested he will find a way to see you consistently. Just allow time to pass and see if he reciprocates your interest by actually making time to see you consistently.

If he is interested he will find ways to see you. If he is not interested, he won't.

Yoda · Sep 25, 2016, 10:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stolemyheart87

Well I give up then. Don't find it fair that everyone else on these forums can get help and I can't. I know you gave me advice, I UNDERSTAND I need a job and my own live and to get out. Don't you get that. I know that. But hey you won't believe anything I have to say anyway. So why does it matter?

What is it you want from PsychCentral?

stolemyheart87 · Sep 25, 2016, 11:05 PM

But he lives 3 hours away, if you lived 3 hours away from your partner, would you drive out to see them, every weekend or during the week? Knowing they worked the graveyard shift?

And I want people to read my problems with dating and give me their thoughts and advice. I know I have to get my life together, and I am working on it.

divine1966 · Sep 26, 2016, 04:44 AM

He isn't your partner though. You are just meeting the first time.

Frankly if you don't work and dont drive and live with parents you shouldn't be dating long distance. You want him to do all the work? I really don't get it why dating is so important right now.

Bill3 · Sep 26, 2016, 05:40 AM

How might you meet more people locally? Volunteering, church, taking a class, involvement in politics, seasonal work?

stolemyheart87 · Sep 26, 2016, 01:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bill3

How might you meet more people locally? Volunteering, church, taking a class, involvement in politics, seasonal work?

Yes you can meet people that way but I don't do any of that. I am looking into it but highly doubt, I would find the type of guy I am looking for, trust me. I know what type of guy I want, and finding him is hard and rare.

~Christina · 01:47 PM

Ok here is the flat basic rules of dating.

Try the online thing, talk to people , make it not all about me me me . Ask what they like and enjoy.

If your chit chatting with a few that's great . Don't expect whoever your talking to , to respond whenever you snap you're fingers , seriously online dating doesn't work that way , real life doesn't work that way either. Most all people are talking to numerous people ...so people can and will just stop texting , calling or video chatting and it's just they didn't find a connection with you or someone else they are talking too is what they want to invest time into.

What do you have to offer to a potential date ? Do you just talk about your concerts and bands you like? When asked about you career how do you respond ? ( you don't have to answer that here, just food for thought)

There are many other ways to meet people other than online dating sites. Meetup groups in your area, volunteer somewhere , your not working, please don't yell or screech over this , it's just a fact , so until your gainfully employed do something helpful, I have volunteered at soup kitchens , homeless shelters , do something meaningful. Getting out and helping people is another great way to meet people if not for a date then friendships and that's fantastic.

Stop pushing yourself onto people, no one likes that , ever

You can't force someone to like you , either there is connection or there isn't .

Your not a teenager, all that drama is silly and a waste of time for goodness sake ! that stuff should have been left in junior high.

Go out live your life ! help others , kind of like your getting so much advice here, go help someone . Because it's not always about you or anyone for that matter , get out of your own head for a while.

There ! That's my common sense ideas on dating . If you want to yell about my advice that's fine just go outside and yell. Screaming in caps and acting like a rude child is not helpful or gracious.

scorpiosis37 · Sep 26, 2016, 01:48 PM

You're being extremely pushy with this guy, asking multiple times for him to video chat and then telling him he should drive to see you at X time. If you want any chance of it working, you need to back off and let him tell you when he is available to do all the work of driving down to see you. You should also do some of the work if you do start dating, like take the train/bus to come see him. Is there a reason you don't/can't drive? If possible, you could also work on getting a license.

A Red Panda · Sep 26, 2016, 03:23 PM

Do you ever meet half way? Do you meet at the location? Do you ever go to see the guys? Or do you always expect them to drive, pick you up, then go to wherever, then drive you home, and then drive themselves home?

Although ideally we all want to just be accepted as we are, when first meeting someone we are going to see the initial things.

What men will see about you:
- unemployed
- doesn't drive
- lived with parents
- expects to be picked up
- likes to go to concerts mid week
- volunteers with writing up articles about music
- available to talk at all hours

I don't drive. But I meet people places or find other ways to repay them for picking me up. Including dates. I would never, ever, expect someone j was dating to drive a long time to see me, without me also doing the same back and finding my way to them. It isn't fair otherwise and a relationship should be between equals.

Basically, the only advice we can give you is to sort your life out and/or change the attitude/expectations you have of the men you meet.

And, in every thread, people have been giving you advice and their thoughts. You get mad about them. So it isn't really what you want from us.

divine1966 · Sep 26, 2016, 04:28 PM

My daughter doesn't drive. She moved to the city with public transportation and she works full time. She never expects being driven around to see concerts during the week. Plenty of people don't drive.

Bill3 · Sep 26, 2016, 05:34 PM

Quote:

I know what type of guy I want, and finding him is hard and rare.

Some people have an underlying reluctance to be in relationships and thus arrange, often unconsciously, for relationships to never get started or to never work out.

I have no idea if you are one of those people. However, it might be worthwhile to ask yourself why it is that, in your postings here, guys that interest you consistently seem to live really far away from you and consistently seem unavailable to you on the terms that you seek.

Yoda · Sep 26, 2016, 06:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stolemyheart87

I know what type of guy I want, and finding him is hard and rare.

You and 100% of the rest of us.

Molinit · Sep 27, 2016, 11:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stolemyheart87

But he lives 3 hours away, if you lived 3 hours away from your partner, would you drive out to see them, every weekend or during the week? Knowing they worked the graveyard shift?

And I want people to read my problems with dating and give me their thoughts and advice. I know I have to get my life together, and I am working on it.

I wouldn't "date" someone 3 hours away.

This person isn't your partner.

When you get your basics in life together (work, moving) the dating works itself out.

Generally with dating, a person wants someone who brings something to the table with them. You are bringing someone who is unemployed and can't move out.