[anagold]

Hello. Please help me. I am a woman and I have a friend (woman too) who lived abroad for many years. In the mean time we saw each other a few times, on vacation episodes, fun adventures. Now she's back and what seemed to be nice turned out horrible. She flirts with all men around, including her own friend's husbands to the point it affects the couples: either they separate or fight. It is almost like wherever she is, there is trouble. Coincidently, I just met the man who is my dream partner. The thought of having the trouble woman around just pierced my peace, so I stepped back from her, said I don't feel we are very much in synchrony andthat it would be good sometime away but she would write back saying she's hurt....

so I just stopped reading her messages because I thought she was disrespecting my time. She also stopped messaging. Now, after 6 months, she wrote me a long email, attacking me in every way possible. She is accusing me of not being with her when" she most needs it" (because she just returned from abroad and feels lonely and also because many people are mad at her). She is actually getting me to feel guilty, but at the same time I know I have the right to choose who I want to spend time with. I want to be free! I want to be away from her AND stop feeling guilt. Please help me!

[Skeezyks]

Hello anagold: I'm sorry I do not think there is much of anything I can offer you here in the way of advice. Based on what you wrote, I would have to say it sounds to me as though you've made a very wise decision & now you simply need to stick with it. I don't know what is going on with this "friend" of yours. She certainly seems to have her problems. Perhaps she needs some mental health services. But it's not your responsibility to bail her out. Your first priority must be yourself & your "dream partner". So I would say... good for you for recognizing a potential problem in the making & taking action to thwart it.

Anyway, I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

Originally Posted by anagold

Hello. Please help me. I am a woman and I have a friend (woman too) who lived abroad for many years. In the mean time we saw each other a few times, on vacation episodes, fun adventures. Now she's back and what seemed to be nice turned out horrible. She flirts with all men around, including her own friend's husbands to the point it affects the couples: either they separate or fight. It is almost like wherever she is, there is trouble. Coincidently, I just met the man who is my dream partner. The thought of having the trouble woman around just pierced my peace, so I stepped back from her, said I don't feel we are very much in synchrony andthat it would be good sometime away but she would write back saying she's hurt....

so I just stopped reading her messages because I thought she was disrespecting my time. She also stopped messaging. Now, after 6 months, she wrote me a long email, attacking me in every way possible. She is accusing me of not being with her when" she most needs it" (because she just returned from abroad and feels lonely and also because many people are mad at her). She is actually getting me to feel guilty, but at the same time I know I have the right to choose who I want to spend time with. I want to be free! I want to be away from her AND stop feeling guilt. Please help me!

I can not tell you what you should do but I can tell you what I would do. I would write her back and in a non confrontational or attacking way I would explain what she has done with the flirting and how it makes you honestly feel. I would tell her how you feel about bringing her around you new fella. She might be angry at first and even deny everything which is to be expected. But perhaps hearing the honest truth about her behavior will change her for the better in the future or at least offer her some insight into why so many people seem to be abandoning her. We can't fix problems we don't know exsist and some people thing we can which just isn't fair. Your friend may not see her flirting for what it is or the damage it causes.

If you want her out of your life you have every right to make that choice and can even tell her the continued texts are harassment at this point and you wish to have no contact with her. If she continues to contact you, you can search out legal help. I hope it doesn't escalate to this though. (((Hugs)))

[s4ndm4n2006]

Ignore her email and continue onward as you have been. She made her bed and she can sleep in it herself. you stated that many people are mad at her and that underscores my previous statement. She has to face her own monsters in the form of her behavior that intrudes on other people's boundaries.

You are not obligated in any way to respond, nor do you need to do anything for her. You did what you could by befriending her in the first place, and she has been a thorn in your side because of her lack of boundaries. Don't let her make you feel guilty you are not the one that has broken the friendship.

[anagold]

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

Hello anagold: I'm sorry I do not think there is much of anything I can offer you here in the way of advice. Based on what you wrote, I would have to say it sounds to me as though you've made a very wise decision & now you simply need to stick with it. I don't know what is going on with this "friend" of yours. She certainly seems to have her problems. Perhaps she needs some mental health services. But it's not your responsibility to bail her out. Your first priority must be yourself & your "dream partner". So I would say... good for you for recognizing a potential problem in the making & taking action to thwart it.

Anyway, I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

Thanks for sharing your opinion and thanks for your warm welcome! I'll certainly come back more. See you around!

[anagold]

Originally Posted by ElsaMars

I can not tell you what you should do but I can tell you what I would do. I would write her back and in a non confrontational or attacking way I would explain what she has done with the flirting and how it makes you honestly feel. I would tell her how you feel about bringing her around you new fella. She might be angry at first and even deny everything which is to be expected. But perhaps hearing the honest truth about her behavior will change her for the better in the future or at least offer her some insight into why so many people seem to be abandoning her. We can't fix problems we don't know exsist and some people thing we can which just isn't fair. Your friend may not see her flirting for what it is or the damage it causes.

If you want her out of your life you have every right to make that choice and can even tell her the continued texts are harassment at this point and you wish to have no contact with her. If she continues to contact you, you can search out legal help. I hope it doesn't escalate to this though. (((Hugs)))

I did tell her what she'd been doing but the minute later she was proudly telling yet another story of that kind. I then said, with irony, "you like dominating huh??". And that's when she sort of got something from what I said. Days later she was speaking of her self as a victim "oh I don't know how to deal with couples", the "poor me" tone.

[anagold]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

Ignore her email and continue onward as you have been. She made her bed and she can sleep in it herself. you stated that many people are mad at her and that underscores my previous statement. She has to face her own monsters in the form of her behavior that intrudes on other people's boundaries.

You are not obligated in any way to respond, nor do you need to do anything for her. You did what you could by befriending her in the first place, and she has been a thorn in your side because of her lack of boundaries. Don't let her make you feel guilty you are not the one that has broken the friendship.

It makes perfect sense when you say "she made her bed"...It's true. I never wanted to have to do this in the first place, but her behaviour is destructive so I'm defending myself by stepping away.

And it's true when you said that I did what I could. It's true.

Thanks so much for your support!!

[seeker1950]

You are building a relationship with a significant other, right? This woman interjects herself into relationships inappropriately, not respecting boundaries. You have every right to avoid her. No need to give her any further explanations. Narcissists often resort to the "victim" stance, making you feel at fault and guilty. You don't need to go there with her. Just end it.