[Barreja]

Iv'e been living my mother-in-law's house with my 11 year old daughter and my husband. Our home in NH was "underwater" meaning we owed the bank more than what we could sell it for by $50,000. We finally got out of the house and moved to California. It has been a few months now and I am ready to get our own place.

We have NO MONEY except what my husband is bringing in, which isn't too bad. I was working at a major hospital but lost my job to not enough hours and I'm close to landing a job at another major hospital (their hiring process is s-l-o-w) but Im on unemployment comp. for now.

So the question I am asking (and I know there are many that will think I'm being selfish, but here me out) is we would like to have a little financial help from his Mom. She has a 10,000 pension every month from getting her husbands pension (he passed many years ago) as well as her own from teaching.

She owns two home in the Cal Bay area which means they are worth, conservatively, 800,000 each. She also has 3 $50,000. life insurance policies which are whole life and have a $50,000 today value. She also a CD for 60,000. She also gets ALOT for her 2nd house in rent.

She was, and still is very kind and generous to let us live here and made me feel welcome. We asked her for a 5,000 nest egg so we don't have the utter stress of having nothing behind you. Litterally check to check. She said no.

Now, I know it is her money and I know she doesn't have to share it. When we broached the subject with her she said "who is going to take care of me for the rest of my life" (she is 78).

Now if she has 10,000 a month and her nursiing home, which she admitted would be in the neighborhood of 11,000. per month. I explained (really, in a nice way) that doing the math means she could stay in her nursing home for 34 years if she sells only one house.

So again, we asked for $5,000 out of my husbands whole life policy which you can simply withdraw at no cost and will not affect taxes. He would havd 5K less in it when she passes.

Am I wrong to be hurt? Do you think what we are asking for is unreasonable. I know I would give my daughter ANYTHING if I had it to give, so I am having a hard time understanding her position. By the way, this was all my husbands idea to begin with.

[LucyG]

This is a very touchy situation for everyone. As I see it having an elderly mother, an elderly father-in-law and a recently deceased mother-in-law, I suspect your MIL is very concerned about if she's going to have enough money to live above the poverty level in the coming years. My FIL has a fair little nest egg but goes without because he refuses to dip into it as it's for his old age--he'll be 86 later this month. He doesn't want to sell his investments because he inherited them from his father and wants to leave them to my husband and his sister so again, he goes without.

It also sounds to me like she's looking for some reassurance that you and your husband are going to be there for her in the coming years. If you're smart, you'll say 'we're going to take care of you, that's who!' But you have to mean it, and if her relationship with your husband is at all iffy, she knows if she can count on him or not. Parents know those things...

I wouldn't be at all surprised if you MIL also didn't understand how giving family money can lead to a host of problems. You'd think it would lead only to love and happiness, but it generally backfires.

[-jimi-]

If I'm reading you right you live in her house. I can't see if you pay rent or not. I think if not, it is too much to ask anything at all.

You may want to rethink the idea of giving your daughter everything. That only leads to spoiling your child and not allowing her to take pride in saving and making her own way in life. If you want to build up a little extra as a buffer why don't you stay with your mother-in-law longer and save up the extra before moving out. Her reasons for saying no may be valid for her. If she gives to you now, most likely, you will expect it again. Try to live within your own means and be thankful she is gracious to allow you to stay.

[Bill3]

Am I wrong to be hurt?

Yes.

You and she have a difference of opinion about how to use money. She is just sticking to her opinion. It isn't personal and in fact she has been kind and welcoming to you.

[Crazy Hitch]

I think that your MIL is giving you so much already.

She's giving you a roof over not just your head, but your daughter's head and your husbands.

And in so doing she is self sacrificing her private time and private living space.

It is not unreasonable to decline a request for a nest egg of $5000.

It's not like you're living on the streets.

Mom owes you nothing and I would find it rude to ask. Leave it up to her to make the offer on her own.

I think it was okay to ask, and it was okay for her to decline.

If you were to bring the subject again you could be risking the good relationship you already have with her, that is worth more than any $5,000 IMO.

[fairydustgirl]

As a divorced woman who depends on monthly retirement, it scares me to death to even consider that I might one day be eating cat food because I can't afford food. You have to think as well...elderly people have not only to pay for assisted living or nursing home care which is horribly expensive, there is also medication, dr copays, hospitalizations which can bankrupt even a younger person who is working still. I totally understand her not wanting to give you money at this stage in her life and geez $5000??? What the heck, that would piss me off if one of my kids asked me for that as a 'nest egg'. I might think about a loan for a down payment on a home that they would pay back but certainly wouldn't hand off money like that, esp as I don't really have it to give.
You're wrong to ask and she's within her rights to have said no.

[Molinit]

Her responsibility and priority #1 is to assure her finances are in order to take care of herself.

Your responsibility (and your husband's) is to assure YOUR finances are in order (not by using someone else's financing) to take care of yourselves.

She is doing what any prudent person would. It is also NEVER a good idea to give or lend large sums of money within a family, as the relationship tends to go south.

Get out of her house yourselves, support yourselves.

[Barreja]

Thank you for all your responses. I want to update that my mother-in-law did come through with $5,000. It helped us with 1st months rent and security deposit on our new apartment. Just for info, I would never take someone's retirement money. I thought I made it clear she is a multi-millionaire. She has many annuities, whole life and CD' with anywhere from $40,000 to $90,000 in each one.Additionally, her pension is a 10,000 per month. She own two homes outright in San Francisco, second highest housing market after New York city. Very comfortable.

What I couldn't grasp was how she was perceiving the situation . I honesty couldn't gasp was it was about her that she had such financial insecurities, was she being mean or selfish My husband stands to inherit it all when she does pass, hopefully along time from now

Now that she has agreed, she is pleased to help her son's family and share the joy we have.

For naysayers "no money", it is a researchable fact that more than 50% of parents provide financial support to adult children.

Again, thank you for your feedback, it was helpful and this was the right place to ask.