Between my husband and stepdaughter, I'm feeling very depressed.

Sorry, yes it is just venting. I'd say half of these ideas he comes up with about SD moving up here and working with him come after hours of drinking and then he probably thinks it seems like the most logical thing for her to do.

Cool. Thanks for clarifying. I hope the venting is helping.

moogs

Well there's really nobody I know that I can vent to because they all think everything is just roses and rainbows in our relationship.

Feel free to let it rip. You have a right to be frustrated and I know how it's often easier to vent on here than it is to our in real life people. We are here to listen. (((Hugs)))

My step son has been with me since he was 3 and his mother ran off to be with a man in another state and then disappeared. He will be 17 next month. My son is on the autism spectrum and was completely non verbal when I met him. He has been the biggest blessing and I feel so sorry for his mom missing out on how awesome he is. He might struggle to be self sufficient due to his unique challenges and might live with us forever. Some kids have issues which keep them dependent longer than one would expect. When we sign on to marry a spouse with exsisting kids, we sometimes get more than we bargained for, for a variety of reasons. I hope you and your family can come together for the benefit of all but if you need to leave to save your sanity I doubt anyone here would blame you. And if you just need to vent to maintain some sanity, we are here and hear you. (((Hugs)))

At age 19, SD is going to work, or not work, as she chooses. Her dad talking himself blue in the face will have no effect.

When I was young my parents left it up to me whether I attended college, or worked, or did both, or did neither. Around your SD's age, I was unstable and dropped in and out of school, got hired and fired, or quit - some good jobs, some crappy jobs. My parents had one simple policy toward me. I could live with them when I wanted to. I could help myself to what was in the refridgerator at their house. But that was it! They wouldn't give me a dime. By the time I was 26, I had completed a job training program, gotten a job and my own apartment. They never had to do a thing for me again for the rest of their lives. I've been pretty much on my own ever since then. That was over 35 years ago. They're both gone now.

Here's another thing I would offer. You're not doing yourself any favor by tracking the verbal and texted exchanges between your husband and SD. She's his daughter. And she has a mother of her own. What transpires between the three of them really needn't be your concern . . . . . . unless it costs money that belongs to you. Otherwise, you might want to try ignoring all what goes on between them. Your husband owes you a certain modicum of time and attention. Expect that, and channel it how you want your together time with your husband to go. Beyond that, let husband and SD work out their relationship however they will. You can't really influence it.

It is very much my concern if they continue to have these talks where he continually brings up that she should move up here with us and not tell me that he's doing that. Then a month from now he says to me "So I talked with SD and she is going to come up and live with us for a year" just assuming I'm cool with it without a single discussion with me about it. Just like he did about 4 years ago where they had that discussion one night after I went to bed and I could hear them talking where he asked her to move up and she said yes and then he tells me the next morning "So SD is going to move up here and go to school for a at least a year" which never did happen. Plus then we are paying for her to use our internet, tv, food when I already barely have any help from H in that dept!

Your husband has not seen his daughter for 5 months and she only visited for 3 days yet you complained she wasn't doing nothing. What was she supposed to be doing those 3 days? You barely ever see her so why is she such a concern for you? And I would hate if my husband went through my conversations with my daughter and complain about it.

Whilst I can understand your frustration, as a mother of 4, who's ex/baby father dropped off the map and has had nothing to do with them in over 4 years, and hasn't paid in any of that time either, I would be pleased if he showed any interest in any of his 6 kids. (2 to another ex) So I am reluctant to criticise your partner trying to communicate with his daughter, regardless how clumsy it may seem.
Although why were you reading his Facebook conversations?
It's obvious your unhappy, but it doesn't sound like he needs to change, since has zero incentive too. I am not sure there is anything else I can say. Maybe you should just do your bit and let him do or not do his bit until you are ready to decide you don't want to be in the situation anymore.

All the best for your future, hope you find what your looking for.

Your husband chose to be with you but he chose to give his daughter life and owes her much more IMHO. I told my husband that is he ever made my son feel unloved or unwelcome in my home he could find another roof to sleep under. My son did not choose to live and I will care for him as long as necessary for him to launch independently. Some birds fly when kicked out of the nest and others drop to their death. I'm not playing Russian Roulette with my sons life and anyone who tries to insist I do, better get out of my way.

Do you have any kind of pleasant relationship with your step daughter ? Does she value you as a person md consider you someone to trust who she can confide in? What kind of relationship are you willing to have with her? It should be up to you and your husband on if she comes to live with you both. Not just you and not just him....all 3 of you have a say. If my sons ever need a place to stay though, my husband knows they have my blessing to stay with me and he will not impede my relationship with my children if he knows what's best for us all.

I understand how stepkids could be a challenge but she neither lives with you nor visits much so I don't understand the issue

My husband has 3 boys , I have a daughter. There are all grown.... But for any reason if they needed to come home , they would come home and if he or I said " no" our marriage would be over.

Was he okay with you reading the conversation he had with his daughter?

It's my belief that a 19 year old daughter has a right to live with her parents. Your husband is one of her parents. So - IMHO - your husband and his daughter have a right to discuss the option of her coming to live there. Given that they've kicked this around in the past, without her moving in, it doesn't sound to me like your husband's daughter is all that seriously interested in actually coming to live at your house.

However, if she did come stay with her dad, it would be appropriate for her to get the help that parents in this country normally provide to teenage children - no more, no less. Nineteen year olds normally do use their parents' TV and Internet. And they normally do eat out of their parent's refrigerater.

Now, Mapper, if the real source of your resentment is that your husband is somewhat of a gigolo, don't blame his daughter for that. Maybe this is a marriage that you need to get out of. You have the option of dumping this guy. He does not have the moral option of dumping his 19 year old daughter.

BTW, if the house you live in is in both your names - yours and your husband's - then, no, the house is not "pretty much" yours . . . . . . and, no, you don't have an automatic veto over him letting his daughter live there, while she is still quite young. But that's kind of a non-issue, since you say SD shows no real interest in moving in. Having her hang around for a few days, now and then, is not really something to get in a lather over. Incidentally, plenty of 19 year olds lack direction and like to be on social media just about every waking moment. I'm not denying that this young woman sounds lazy. (Like father, like daughter.)

I don't get why you stay in your marriage. Sounds very unhealthy to me...and you sound very unhappy.

I'm still reeling from your first post on this thread, Mapper. Your husband sounds greatly depressed about his work situation. People can take days off work when you're not physically sick but in need of a mental health day. Is is possible his work is very hostile or volatile and he's avoiding it for a reason? It doesn't sound to me like you've ever expressed any concert to him about it, just that you berate him for it. I get that it's frustrating, but it sounds like your first impulse is to get mad rather than worry about your husband. I would start right away by asking your husband what's going on at work and if these sick days he's taking are for any specific reason.

You say he's not helpful around the house, etc., that could be another sign of depression or PTSD.

Regarding the daughter, if she has anxiety that definitely could keep her inside while she's visiting, especially if she's not familiar with the area. Also, it's only 3 days...what all plans is she supposed to have made? I'm 36 and when I go to visit my mom for holidays, I often sit around doing nothing...because I work such long hours when I'm not on vacation, I often just need a break from thinking and doing.

I understand you don't want the daughter to come live with you. When I was 20, my dad moved down to where I was going to college and insisted I move in with him so he didn't have to help pay my rent on my apartment (which was part of his divorce agreement). He proceeded to move his girlfriend in with us, which actually made me quite uncomfortable. From my point of view, I had more right to live there than she did, but she treated me like I was living in her home, when she had her own condo and it was my dad's home. We did get along pretty well and I liked her, but there were times it made me uncomfortable (of course, there's a whole back story of manipulation here, because my dad wanted to stick it to my mother and get out of his divorce obligations of helping me pay for college expenses so he manipulated me into moving out of my apartment).

My whole point is, maybe you should bite the bullet and discuss with your husband about having his daughter move in, that it makes you a little uncomfortable. Also just be clear with him that if she does move in, there will be rules that she has to obey. Setting ground rules for her potential living there I think would really help ease your concerns.

Venting is good and all, and we all need it. But one of my therapists once forced me to stop venting and start thinking of solutions. Especially when you're having to vent SO often. Venting should be a once in a while thing, not an every day thing. If you're having to vent every day, you have to start examining how to change these situations in your life. Otherwise, it just sounds like you are miserable.

I used to "vent" a lot about my job here until a great fellow chatter brought up to me that I was saying the same thing over and over again and that if I need support, I needed to be clear about what support I needed, and if I needed to change something, I needed to change it. I was a little shocked at her confrontation, but in the end, she was right. I started thinking about the complaints I had at work and how I could address those. Since then, things have gotten a lot better. I still occasionally have to vent, but most often when I post about it now, it's to ask for advice on how to deal with a situation, because I don't want to just sit in a bad situation that I have to vent about every day, I want to make that situation better so I can enjoy my life.

I hope this all makes sense. I'm really rooting for you, and I think you have the opportunity to be proactive and make some changes for the better.

Good luck,
seesaw