It's obvious people treat someone differently when they find out about a terminal illness or serious disease. I'm wondering if it is a selfish act to keep issues from friends and family. I don't want to wonder if they are treating me differently because of an illness and I want things to stay the same. I know eventually it would be inevitable that they will know, but is it wrong to want things to continue the same for as long as possible ? Opinions?

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by disparaissant

It's obvious people treat someone differently when they find out about a terminal illness or serious disease. I'm wondering if it is a selfish act to keep issues from friends and family. I don't want to wonder if they are treating me differently because of an illness and I want things to stay the same. I know eventually it would be inevitable that they will know, but is it wrong to want things to continue the same for as long as possible ? Opinions?

It depends on far too many factors, I think. Will it affect them? Are they people you can trust with such things? Some things do not need to be verbalized, depending on how close you are to the people you are considering telling.

I'm so sorry for whatever you are going through. (((Hugs)))

I agree with the above poster that it depends. My mother once held some very serious health problems from me because she felt I had too much on my plate and didn't want to add more stress. When I found out I was understanding but also very hurt because she's always been there for me and I wanted to be there for her. Plus there were things that needed to be worked out that she really did need my help and experience with. But it is your body and your decision. (((Hugs to you)))

No I think it is the opposite. By not telling them until you feel ready you are keeping them from worrying which is a very selfLESS thing to do. This is a little bit different because I was a child but my mother had HIV since she was pregnant with me but didn't disclose it to me until I was 14.(it had gone into AIDS by then) I wasn't angry when I found out-she waited until she felt it was the best time to tell me.

You'll know when the time is right to tell them

Not at all....

It's perfectly okay to want to be treated just like you always have.

You CAN have that. You don't need to feel badly or guilty about it.

[Crazy Hitch]

No, it's not selfish, based on the reason you have given, it's not selfish.

Just don't underestimate the power of support you may be able to get from them too

[s4ndm4n2006]

The choice to tell or not to tell in and of itself has no selfishness. Selfishness is something internal and can affect every choice you make. Your motivations for why you choose to tell them or not, is what would determine whether you are selfish or not. No one here can generally say whether this act is selfish or not. I'm not sure if I am making sense. I'll elaborate if you need me to.

If something serious happened to me, I wouldn't want people who weren't close to me to know, and even if they knew, I wouldn't want them to visit me, because I don't want people who didn't care about me while I'm healthy to pretend to care about me while I'm sick.

Allow me to speak from experience... My mother, while clearly significantly ill, kept her health trouble a secret from our entire family. It affected us a great deal as we became frustrated and even resentful of her unwillingness to be open. I didn't press her for information; I respected her wishes that she keep her condition private. Yet, the frustration pushed us all away from her. I wish she had shared whatever her health situation was. I'm sure we would have remained close to the end. There is another very serious reason it would have been important for her to have shared. Her health history may have proven valuable to myself and next generations. I am now the age she was when she first got ill and starting to face my own troubles. I am being asked about family health history and am at a loss to provide any.

[TishaBuv]

I understand your feeling of not wanting them to treat you differently and dwell on your illness, and I am so sorry for what has happened to you. I just want to say how my mother didn't tell me my father was dying, when I was 12. I have harbored a lot of anger over that.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by Lonely Warrior

If something serious happened to me, I wouldn't want people who weren't close to me to know, and even if they knew, I wouldn't want them to visit me, because I don't want people who didn't care about me while I'm healthy to pretend to care about me while I'm sick.

Wait, I have to wrap my head around this. So, first what doesn't make sense to me is this: Why would you even tell people that right now you don't think care about you anyway? What I mean is, you say you don't want people that don't show you they care now to suddenly start pretending they do but my question is why are the ones that dont' care now even a consideration? I would think this would be about telling those people that seem to care about you now. Which comes down to this. I tell people personal things related to my life, only when I trust and believe they are my close friend. If they are not, they don't need to know my personal issues and problems.

[MickeyCheeky]

It's not selfish at all.. I actually think it's selfless to do that
But still, I would suggest to tell to the people you care... I know it's hard, but trust me, they will be a lot more in pain not knowing what's going on.. but it's your choice to do so.

Good luck and I'm sorry you're struggling

[Takeshi]

Being/acting selfish = bad. If you have that equation and if you can take it on, that'd be a safer choice, I suppose? You may worry yourself trying to hide it, or it may empowers you to live fully. You're mortal being anyways, for me those labels are always the same, knowing that would make me remind myself of a purpose/meanings of what I am.

That would take me to the thinking of not taking morality into account, and I'd use the rest of all the knowledge and experiences I have, to come up with rational, maybe irrational decision. I'd think that your friends and families are inside of your head, that's all you know about them.

People lies all the time, about Santa for one, someone might say, "I'm your parent, I love you and I'll always be around.". I hated the untruth every since I was little, then again, would I have been cool with knowing big truth? I say yes, but it takes two to tango, you can't explain things that you don't know.

Worrying too much about others' reaction seems to me a trap that anyone could fall in. It's people's process and I respect that but I'm over with indecision in my life. That's not rational, and of course you'll get to the decision eventually. You can change your mind at any time, and you get only one shot at it.

Obviously, you'd wanna think about the logistics, and I don't think it should factor into the decision making you are asking about. I'd guess that you now have different perspectives, standing on a turning point, everything's different so you'll want to relearn the things and people around you.

I don't know what I've said all of above for, but in the end, you'll be thinking about someone you care for, that's an selfless act. Like I said, I think it's best to learn from anything, anything at all around you with the new set of eyes.

I'm sorry I'm not being concise here, the change, selfishness spins around in everyone. It's more precise to call it a selfness. And yes it is a word, I've checked. What it means to me is that the acceptance, as much understandings of who the person is, things like that weighs more, you try to be the best you can be with no regrets as long as you're breathing, this is not exactly an answer to your question but please try to believe in yourself, how, what, when to tell, the true knowledges, the higher level of knowledges are like "Oh, I've already known that.". Then you'd know what you wanna do with those, more problems like time issues will come to that person, and life continues.

A terminal illness. Live proudly if you can do that, I'm dumb and have no one, so I'm not afraid, I think it'd be best to feel that way.

By the way, I got hit by an earthquake again this morning and I was calm as cucumber, I got no one to call or nothing to grab and escape, a little before that, I was listening to some music, and the lyrics goes like "...I'm stabbing myself With a ****ing knife in the gut, while I'm wiping my butt!..."

What do you give a *bleep*? I believe it's best to be yourself and out, sorry I'm not helpful.

Takeshi