[bighit86]

Hi all,

New here. I figured this would be a good resource to seek some outside opinions as I'm not entirely comfortable talking about my issues with people I know. A bit of background on me: I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorder in the past, and for a while I've been able to keep these issues pretty well managed, up until this year.

I met this girl via a mutual friend about four months ago. We were both at a bit of a crossroads personally as well as professionally, so we had a lot of free time to spend around eachother until about a month ago. We hit it off immediately, spent a lot of time together, and really enjoy eachother's company.

We're both very social people, and spend a lot of time out and about at concerts/clubs, etc. She's very attractive and also incredibly approachable, which is one of the things that drew me to her in the first place. Anyhow, there have been a couple of times when we're out together where I got jealous. I felt like she wasn't paying enough attention to me. On one of those occasions, I left her and her friends at the club we were all at and went home. Bad mistake, I made amends, and we've been good.

Since then, everything has been good for the most part. We both acknowledge that we really like eachother, although neither of us are in a rush to label the relationship. We still greatly enjoy eachother's company, and miss eachother when we aren't together. We've both acknowledged that neither of us is seeing other people, and we'd both not be happy if either one of us did. However I can't fight the feeling that I'm more into her than she is. Not that she's really given me any concrete sign of that being true, that's just the way I think.

Last week was her birthday. I surprised her with concert tickets that she had thought were sold out, and we had a really good time. On her actual birthday, myself and a group of her friends all went out to a different show, which was fun as well. I had a bit too much to drink, and they all wanted to go to this afterparty. I managed to play along until we got there, and then decided I wanted to go home. When I told her that, I was met with disdain from her and her friends alike, which made me really angry. So angry that I decided to just walk away. I was mad at myself that I pulled the same dumb move that I had before, but was drunk and too proud to turn back and apologize. In my anger, I decided to start a brawl with a group of people on the street, which didn't end well for me.

I apologized to her the next day and told her what happened. She expressed disappointment, not anger, and suggested I curb my drinking (which I've decided to do for the month of November just to prove to myself that I'm still in control). Communication has been somewhat limited since then though. We usually chat periodically during the day and then for a few hours at night. That hasn't been the case. I called her and gave her a lengthy formal apology again two days ago, which she seemed to accept. Last night I asked if she wanted to go to a show tomorrow night. She agreed, but then reminded me of my pledge to not drink for the month of November (the show is at a club). The topic then turned to previous weekend and her asking me to rehash what happened (again, I had already told her everything). She said she wasn't mad, but then got really angry seemingly out of nowhere, and when I thought we had established closure to the topic, I tried to change the subject and interject some humor. I was met with sarcasm, so I ended the convo. Today she has ignored me all day, something that she's never done before. I called her when I got off of work (we usually talk on our respective commute home), and got voicemail. Also a couple of messages I sent her on Facebook were ignored as well (I can see she's online and interacting with other people too, including talking to a friend of hers on a post I made earlier today). I'm not blocked or anything though.

This probably just my anxiety talking, but she's never ignored me like this before since I met her. I'm worried that I ruined something that has represented the lone positive in my life in quite some time. Any guidance would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

[Skeezyks]

Hello bighit86: I'm sorry I do not really have much in the way of suggestions for you here. From what you wrote, it sounds like your friend is perhaps rethinking her relationship with you. My perspective would be that I think all you can do is wait & see what happens. Perhaps send her an occasional text so she doesn't think you've lost interest. But don't push it. In my opinion that will simply make matters worse. After a period of time has elapsed, if things seem to be going smoothly, then you might try asking her out again & see what happens.

Beyond that, my recommendation is stop drinking entirely. You may or may not be addicted. But you clearly have issues with temper control when you're under the influence. Continuing to drink is only likely to create further problems for you in the future.

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[Bill3]

There were multiple events in which she no doubt felt extremely uncomfortable and embarrassed with your behavior. The events on her birthday probably stand out in her mind. She might now be afraid of what you might do, especially when you have been drinking.

My suggestion is to take concrete action, such as the following: attend an anger management program regularly; permanently stop drinking; attend AA regularly; start to see a therapist about the jealousy and what underlies it.

If you continue to not hear from her, my suggestion is to contact her again after you have had, say, two months of consistently doing the above, and tell her that you acknowledge, and are sincerely sorry for, the problems that you created for her in the past and that you have been taking specific steps for months now to improve yourself. She might be willing to give you another chance. Might.

I do not know if you ruined everything, as you asked. However, I think that a woman who has been embarrassed and abandoned and even frightened more than once by a man who was in an alcohol-influenced fit of jealousy and anger might well be reluctant and fearful to give that man another try. But even if she will not give you another chance, you can give you another chance, and a better chance, by taking the steps outlined above.