[pa-timber]

Some preface is in order. My early 20's were a particularly difficult time for me, I lost both my parents to cancer, my home to fire, struggled with depression, PTSD and homelessness. While I was homeless I met a woman online, and we began dating. I won't get into too many details, but the relationship was always shaky from the start. She'd want to break it off, and I would get out of control, threaten to kill myself. I'd constantly be texting her when she was with a guy friend. Stuff like that. I wound up in a psychiatric hospital one night after cutting myself pretty bad. Wanting to support me through this difficult time, she suggested that I move with her. I got worse instead of better. One night after broken up we had a bad argument and I drank far too much and showed up at her place completely out of control. It could have gone a lot worse but fortunately she handled the situation well. Point is, throughout the relationship I was emotionally manipulative and disrespectful of her boundaries. I was wrong. I've deliberately not spoken to her in about a year and a half, respecting her desire to not talk to me, and giving her the space to heal.

This was almost three years ago now. I've improved in a lot of areas in my life, have an apartment, hold down work, take care of my business to the best of my abilities. I go to church and pray a lot. My thing for the past 3 years is pretty much saying to myself over and over again 'I want to be a good man'. I'm not that man in my day to day life, I've mostly been able to manage my depression to a point where I can function, I don't cut myself, I've gotten better (not perfect) at managing my emotions and thinking thoughtfully and conscientiously about others.

I have a very close (female, purely platonic) friend who I've disclosed all of this to. I'm terrified of getting close to another person. I've had women become interested in me who I have pushed away because I'm afraid that I will become that person again. I can remember feeling so out of control in that relationship, so confused and angry and unable to think past myself.

I'm starting to get a bit older now, I'll turn 30 in a few months. I feel lonely, honestly I miss sex, and I really would like to have a child of my own. And my friend who I dearly love and trust wants me to find someone.

When I do a search for this kind of thing, I ask 'Do abusive men change' all too often the answer is 'No'. My friend tells me that she doesn't think that I am that person any more. My intuition tells me that there's a risk there that I will be like that again, though if I think like that it may become a self fulfilling prophecy. I take responsibility for my actions, if there's a possibility that I will be like that again, I feel I have to own that, even if it means that I don't get to be happy in regards to my love and family life. But I'm not a big fan of just lying down and accepting my fate either. All in all its a confusing matter, which is why I've decided to reach out for support.

Should I allow myself to open up more to members of the opposite sex, allow for the possibility of relationship developing? What if a relationship does develop? What should I do if it really is true that I can't change? Should I accept that part of myself and look to other areas of my life for happiness? How would I explain that to those who love me and want me to be with someone?

Anyway, thanks in advance for the support guys.

[12AM]

A strong will can change anything, go for it

[Skeezyks]

Hello pa-timber: From what you wrote it sounds to me as though you have a mature, realistic understanding of your situation. I don't know to what extent it is, or is not, possible for abusive men, as a group, to change. But it is certainly true that you'll never know for sure whether or not you have changed unless you give it a try.

You know you have the potential to be abusive. But you also know you don't want to go back there again. And, personally, I would suggest you don't have to. So my thinking is go ahead & open yourself up to the possibility of a new relationship. But also be honest & open, with anyone you find yourself becoming involved with, about where you've come from. And also do what you need to do to procure the support services you need (therapy, psychiatry, men's support group, etc.) to create for yourself, & any new romantic partner who may come into your life, the greatest possible likelihood of success. No one could ask for more.

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[gayleggg]

It sounds to me like you have matured and have a lot of incite. I think you could safely open yourself up to others and keeping watch on your behavior. If you see any problems developing you could look for counseling to help you get past it.

[PumpkinPieHead]

Hey there love, I am just like you. I struggle with many the same issues and had a relationship where I did some things I am ashamed of. It's been about 5 years since I was with him and I too have grown and self reflected.
I recommend going to the women's shelter (Fellas can use their resources too!) and asking about programs for controlling anger and abusive behaviors. Don't be ashamed, because you had the guts to say "I don't want to be like this" and this a much bigger step than many people will ever take.
Feel free to PM me if you ever need to talk to a kindred spirit. My inbox is jumpin'.

Reaching out helps, and people do care.

[pa-timber]

Hey guys, thanks a lot for the affirmations and support. I definitely think that being honest about my past is the right way to go. Its gotten easier over the years to open up about as I've gotten better at forgiving and accepting myself. Always an ongoing process.

I've definitely had it in mind that should a relationship come that I ought to go back to therapy, its certainly not something that I'm willing to believe I'm always going to conquer by myself by sheer will alone.

I've got a lot on my plate at the moment (working two jobs) but I certainly will try to be an active member of the community here. I've been through it, definitely have the credentials to lend a non judgmental and supportive ear.

I'll try my best to open up more and give things a chance to develop. If ya'll are into that sort of thing, prayers are always appreciated. Take care!

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by pa-timber

When I do a search for this kind of thing, I ask 'Do abusive men change' all too often the answer is 'No'.

Ok so part of the problem is that you're asking the internet for an answer that you should be asking yourself. do you want to base your future change or lack thereof on what the internet says about a generalized statement of people that are controlling and/or abusive or do you want to make the choice to be in control of your life and your direction in life?

When you're trying to figure out if you can change, why would google or other internet source have any idea what you're capable of? Are you a statistic or a person with individual thoughts and a soul of your own?

I'll tell you right now. First off, Take the search results as a test and replace "abusive men" with anything that you might think of "narcissists", "bipolar people" etc. What you will find is for the most part the answer will still be no. Why is that? because the general consensus is that most people do not change. Regardless of their problem in question. Why is that? people typically do not like change in the first place but also, because not everyone is nearly as self-aware as a lot of people here on the forums and it's taking in account pretty much the masses which for the most part are numb, and running on auto most of the time.

So with you, here is my take. You are observing, analyzing, thinking about your past behavior. You're assessing what you have been and how that has been wrong and how you have treated your past partner wrong. You could easily chalk it up like many men or women and just say 'they were horrible for [insert reasons here]" but you're not. proving you're self aware and being self analytical. That's no guarantee you can change but it definitely is a step toward improvement. There are those that remain the same (and many do) and there are those that strive to grow and change. You are one that can choose to be different and change, grow and move forward.

Finally I commend you on your self analysis and willingness to look in the mirror at your reflection. Make no mistake, not a lot of people can and do this.

My friend tells me that she doesn't think that I am that person any more. My intuition tells me that there's a risk there that I will be like that again, though if I think like that it may become a self fulfilling prophecy.

I agree with your friend in that if you think your behavior is a life sentence it will probably be a self fulfilling prophecy. Life itself, relationships are a risk always.

I take responsibility for my actions, if there's a possibility that I will be like that again, I feel I have to own that, even if it means that I don't get to be happy in regards to my love and family life. But I'm not a big fan of just lying down and accepting my fate either. All in all its a confusing matter, which is why I've decided to reach out for support.

being able to realize what responsibility is a big deal. I approach life with the mindset of always knowing that most of what consists of my life now, where I am, good and bad is because of my own actions. I believe very strongly in consequences and looking at how and what I did to make those things happen. there are a few things that we have no control over but ultimately they are few, most of what happens to us outside of our control is not really as big of a deal as what we do about those events we could not change. So it still falls on our shoulders, the consequences.

Should I allow myself to open up more to members of the opposite sex, allow for the possibility of relationship developing? What if a relationship does develop? What should I do if it really is true that I can't change? Should I accept that part of myself and look to other areas of my life for happiness? How would I explain that to those who love me and want me to be with someone?

first I think if you want to open up to the opposite sex again, then yes you should. But here's the thing. Instead of asking if you should, decide. Decide to do so but in doing this, also ask how you will get there and how will you change your behavior, how will you make sure you change, etc? Ask how, your brain will find the answers. Ask the right questions and it moves us in the right direction, nearly every time.

if it's really true you can't change would be giving into the idea that you're a mindless drone that has no options in anything. You can only move in the way that you were programmed to do and you're just a robot with a faulty program. You're not. Everything that got you where you are is from environment, events, and choices. the last part being the one you have a say in. Environment, people, events and things we cannot change. In this, you have to consider why you were the way you were, and from there figure out what you can do to change those behaviors. This is not a quick fix but I'm assuming you want real change not a bandaid for your problems.

I don't believe any of the other areas will successfully give you happiness anyway. this would assume that the controlling and manipulating behavior happened in a bubble and only related to the relationships you were in. That's not the case. in or out of a relationship you are you. Given the right circumstances and without making any changes, I'm sure you'd see the same behaviors emerge. See I don't think that behaving the way you did is rooted only in a relationship but was a sign of other aspects of your personality that need to be addressed.

how would you explain what to other people that want to be with you? If you choose to be single then let that be your answer. But I don't think that you should be alone if that's not what you ultimately want. Being alone, unless that itself makes you happy should not be your choice.

sorry for the long reply but this struck me as a post that needed some serious thoughts. Hope they were helpful.