Making new friends

It is so difficult to make new friends. Will I have to answer questions? Yes. They always ask. At first when I found out about my actual conditions I would blurt them out. Then the people I would meet would ask me more questions, and trigger me. I have given up on people for the longest time. Hanging on to the old dead relationships just to avoid making new ones isn't working. These people keep getting further away from me as I grow apart from them and I am losing my small support system... So how to avoid the probing questions and form friendships without disclosing my PTSD and anxiety/depression issues, and dance around their questions while still forming some kind of relationship? I just want people to accept me and stop dissecting me and judging. Too much rejection...

Hello Tres_Aime: Well... I just finished reading your post with regard to the church near you in which you have an interest. I recall you wrote that agoraphobia is a problem for you. Of course, there can be varying degrees of agoraphobia. (I have some. In my case it is not so severe but what I can go out & do what needs to be done.) If you can handle it, one idea would be to see if there is some kind of volunteer activity you could become involved with. It could be as part-time as you need it to be. And you could try to find something that doesn't require more public contact than you feel you can handle. But, in the process, you would have the opportunity to meet some new people. There would be no reason for them to be asking probing questions. And being of help in your community is pretty-much an accepted way of mitigating depression.

That has definitely been on the table for me, but the fear of people and the social anxiety feelings, as well as the question of "is this safe?" makes that a challenge. It is so complicated to explain because being in a position of having the time, talents, and resources on one hand and the fear of going out with all the bombarding distracting thoughts is challenging. So far the pros and cons of volunteering (again, I've done it before) has just not reached enough pros to do it. It sounds selfish and hurts to feel that way. It will happen eventually but it just isn't time yet...

I'm in a similar situation except I've long since lost of those "dead relationships". I now have just my family, best friend and doctors.

I have a similar question to the one you asked so I look forward to hearing the answers and suggestions. I hope you get what you need. (((Hugs)))

I am in a similar quandary. I have always had serious social anxiety. For many years I had a social network that worked for me. Then I had to deal with a not good person, and in order to protect myself I have removed myself from nearly all those social contacts. Now I am in the process of trying to build new relationships and save the few I can in the aftermath. I have joined meetup groups online, but haven't actually gone to any meetups yet. I am in college classes now, and the exposure to people there helps desensitize me to the social anxiety. I wish I knew how to make friends.

Well, people won't ask questions about your PTSD or other disorders if you don't tell them about them. Are you telling strangers and people you just met about your disorders? Really you should only tell people who have shown they are truthworthy and caring about your disorders, IMO.

One thing that helped me was to figure out exactly how I would deflect such questions that I don't want to answer. Because of my MI, I have visible scars all over my body. When someone is rude enough to ask me about the scars (like the cashier at the supermarket) I just say, I was in an accident. And I say it like I don't want to talk about it. If they inquire further, I say just that "I really don't want to talk about it." And I say it politely, and usually they realize they've been a little impolite and back off. Because if someone has as many scars as me, they've clearly been through some pain and, of course, they wouldn't want to talk about it.

I have a service dog for PTSD. A woman on the bus once started asking me all these questions about him that really were questions about me. Like why did I have him, well, I have him for PTSD, but my medical diagnosis is none of your business, etc. Finally I had to say to her, "these are kind of personal questions and I don't know you, so please let me be." Well, then another bus passenger who had just gotten on asked me what breed my dog is, which is a totally fine question that I don't mind answering. It doesn't relate to my disability or anything like that. So I start to answer her and the woman from before yells really loud at the passenger, "no, she doesn't want to answer questions about her dog!" I felt like telling that woman to just shut up and mind her own business. How dare she interrogate me and then try and speak for me in a very rude way.

I learned from that incident that if someone starts to behave like her I cut them off immediately, and I had to become comfortable saying and believing "it's not your business." It's surprising to me how many people in the world lack boundaries and understanding of what is and isn't their business. In fact, I don't even tell people what my service dog's name is because if they start talking to him it distracts him from doing his job. And I don't want him distracted.

My point is, think of the situations and/or questions that you are worried about, and figure out ahead of time what will be your go-to answer for them. For example, if someone knows you have PTSD and wants to know why, maybe your response is "I"m really not comfortable talking about it, but I appreciate your concern. Maybe I'll tell you another time" then change the subject.

As you form new relationships, it's going to be awhile before you disclose to people about your MI, so you shouldn't really have to deal with these questions until then anyhow.

Good luck,
Seesaw

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Sorry to hear that. I've always had a hell of a time making quality friends most of my life due to some of my issues with anxiety, depression, and shyness. I like what Seesaw said.

She hit the nail on the head with everything she said! It's a mistake to tell people that you don't know that well about your issues no matter how nice they seem at first. A LOT of people DO judge people with M.I issues. Do NOT say a word to anyone!

Even when you get to know them better, only tell them what they need to know, but if they don't need to know anything, then keep things to yourself. Even good friends have judged me in the past! So has my family and husband!

Like Seesaw said, just change the subject and tell them you'd rather not talk about whatever it is that they're asking. Try joining meetup.com. There are support groups on there for people with mental health issues.

Maybe you can also try meeting friends online. Try socialjane.com. It's free to join. Or post an ad on the platonic section of craigslist. I've met a few women on there that way, and some of these women who I haven't met yet, but will soon might turn into new friends.

Always keep things light hearted when meeting new people. Don't talk about personal issues as that tends to scare away most people. Trust me on that. Don't be needy and contact them to much either as that will put off most people as well. I had to learn all of this the hard way. Are you on meds? If not, they might help you with your issues.

Another thing that will help is ask people questions about themselves. Most people love to talk about themselves. That way the pressure if off you then-

I'm at the point where I'm tired of hiding. I'm at the point where I just want to blurt it out to everyone and the people who judge me are doing me a favor by showing their judgements side. Then I don't have to waste my time on them! It's a time saving measure. But the stigma is real and there are so many things to consider.....as if we didn't have it hard enough without feeling we must hide a big part of ourselves. It's no fair but life rarely is I guess.

Well I get that Elsa, but at the same time, people often have no clue what an MI is about. So allowing them to get to know you before you blurt is out could help educate them and help them understand. I think a lot of people react badly to MI because they just have never really been exposed to it or know what it means.

I understand that side of it too SeeSaw. It complicates matters significantly and I definately see your point. Some people will react no matter how long you've known them. It's always risky when it comes right down to it. And "coming out" and being open about it works for some people. Might work for me....might not. It's a crap shoot like so many other things. Impossible to paint it with a broad brush because their are too many variables.

You're absolutely right. And the media does us no good by painting every mental illness and everyone with a mental illness as bat-**** crazy.

I think there is another reason that I don't tell people about it right away, and that's because I am not my mental illness. It's just a condition I have. To me it's just like having diabetes or high blood pressure...I wouldn't necessarily just tell anyone that because it's not that important. It's just a medical condition.

I think if you're comfortable telling other people, that's awesome. We need more people out there de-stigmatizing. At the same time, I think people need to take care of themselves first and foremost.

Just my thoughts.

Seesaw

I wish that society was enlightened but it is not. Encouraged by Psych Central, in the past year I allowed myself to speak more frankly with friends and family members. I am sorry to say it really has not gone well. In almost all instances it caused people to back off and withdrawal, when I needed the opposite, I needed more care and concern.

If I am at all emotional like maybe I cry while talking about my life difficulties I have been totally rebuffed. Several family members made it clear that they will not speak with me if I am upset. Certain members have actually been hostile.

So back to hiding out. It is almost better because my experiences of the past year have led me to believe that harsh stigmas exist everywhere.

Yet if I talk with others I meet even causally, I find that even strangers will confide in me that they suffer from MI. I think I must present as trusting, or why else would people confide in me so quickly?

It is really a sad fact that even though people and media will say that there is no stigma, it exists.