[Summerhex]

Background. My boyfriend and I have been together almost a year. He has a very busy life. He works full time, lives at home with on and off sick parents, and is training for mma. Mma is his goal and he trains 6 days a week. His family is very controlling and tend to yell at him alot.

Throughout our relationship he tends to cycle between extremely attached and not attached at all. The first 2 months were relatively stable. Then he decided to end the relationship with no real reason given. I later determined he felt he was being distracted from his training. It lasted about a week. About a month after that he left again due to family pressure. That lasted 2 days.

Then once we got through I wasn't going to yell at him over every little thing and I actually supported him the relationship went up hill. I never pressured him for anything but on his own he'd bring up a future and picked out a promise ring. Then he went distant again due to a mixture of feeling like we were moving too fast (again he was setting the speed so that kind of confuses me) and family pressure. After about a month he came back full force on the loves. I slowed it down this time so we wouldn't be moving too fast.

But now he's started a testosterone supplement to help him train and the feelings have sort of disappeared again. He's not emotionally invested like he was but he's saying he's trying as much as he can. He said right now he's dead to the world and only cares about his training. He doesn't really feel love for me but he also doesn't feel love for anyone including his family. He cares about me and them but that's the highest he can feel currently.

I don't know if I should stay in this relationship or leave it. Every other time when he would withdraw he'd leave but he's not this time.

He also has a tendency to cut people out of his life when he stops caring and he hasn't done this. He's still helping me go to the gym and initiating talks afterwards but that's about the extent of it currently. Excluding this emotional rollercoaster we actually get along really well. No matter which side he's on writing laugh and have fun together and get along well.

I really want to know what could possibly cause this. It seems to go beyond not knowing what he wants since the changes are so sudden and extreme. I think he was slightly traumatized as a child. He came over as an immigrate and still remembers the death and smell of burning bodies.

Can this be worked through? Has anyone else experienced or had a partner who experienced cycles like this? I think he might have avoidant dismissive attachment style.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Summerhex: I probably don't really have any useful advice for you here. But I saw that no one had yet replied to your post. So I thought I would. I'm not that knowledgeable with regard to mental health disorders. So I really can't comment with regard to what's going on with your bf. From what you wrote regarding your bf's past, it sounds as though he's had some disturbing experiences. So certainly, I would think, PTSD would be a possibility. But, really, mental health diagnosis is for professionals. I tend to think that we only confuse ourselves more when we try to speculate with regard to what our own, or someone else's, diagnosis might be.

I have written this numerous times before here on PC. I used to know a guy who was fond of saying: "If you want to know which way the bullet is going, look down the barrel of the gun." If you re-read what you've written here, you'll see what you may well be in for if you stay with this man. Of course, the reality is there's no way to know for certain. And that's the dilemma. You didn't mention if your bf is receiving any kind of mental health services. I would personally think this would be important given his background. So, if he's not, that may suggest something with regard to the likelihood that things are going to change significantly over time.

It sounds as though, at the moment your bf is pretty-much preoccupied with his training. I presume "mma" refers to mixed martial arts? If that's the case, then I presume this is not simply a one-time thing he's training for such as a marathon. It's something he's going to be pursuing for some time to come... which suggests to me that he's likely to be near completely focused on training (& fighting?) for some time to come. That may mean his focus is not likely to change in the near future either. At some point you are simply going to have to decide how much of this you can tolerate & for how long. Only you know the answer to that question. I wish you well...

[xRavenx]

I agree that you will have to decide how much you are going to tolerate and also how long you are willing to wait around for him. He might flip flop for years as far as his attachment patterns go, so it is important to just focus on how you have been feeling lately in the relationship and make a decision based on that.

Maybe making a list of "reasons for staying" and "reasons for leaving" can help you gain clarity to make a decision and weigh your options. You sound very supportive of him, but your needs are very important, so do not overlook that. Many people (at one point or another) have the tendency of just focusing on what heir partner needs while neglecting their own needs.

He has a lot of issues to work through it sounds with his trauma history and attachment issues, but this is for him to address. The attachment style could play a significant role in why he cuts people out of his life, which is formed early on in life. You need to think about how the relationship is benefiting you though. Analyzing his issues can be extremely overwhelming, although you want to be there for him. However, you are not obligated to stay in a relationship that is toxic or causing you to feel dismissed or overwhelmed. I'd also question whether this relationship is healthy for either of you at this time. Maybe a break is needed if you do not feel ready to break up completely.

He sounds emotionally unavailable and incapable of giving anyone the love and attention that a partner needs to be in a healthy relationship at this time. These are some serious points to consider. Best wishes

[s4ndm4n2006]

keep in mind the cause or reason for his behavior is on him, there is nothing that you can do to change those things about him. You do have to decide whether he's worth investing in and expecting anything long term.

Thing is, I am of the mind that one should go into a relationship and expect it to be wysiwyg so to speak. yes, things change, people change but what I mean is we should go into a relationship and what we have now should be acceptable if we are to decide to stay with the person. Regardless of what happens in the unknown future. Getting started in a relationship and deciding to commit when you're in a relationship where you want some things to change about the other person, is just asking for pain and suffering and is really not fair to the other person.

Figure out if you can accept how he is now, the pushing, pulling, on again, off again, relationship... if you can see yourself another year down the road going through this with him and he's worth going through all that, hang onto him. Otherwise, well, you know what I'm saying.

Thing is looking at your post, at the most what I see you saying somewhat positive is that he is hard working with regards to his MMA training. Ask yourself, what else is it that makes him so desirable, and are those things enough, to make the erratic nature of the relationship worth it?