[AVerySadThrow]

So I'm a 21 yr girl, and I met this other girl this semester, and we got to talking, and spending time together, as we were in the same friend group. Over time we became somewhat flirty with each other, and felt attracted to each other (I'm lesbian, she's pansexual), and then last Friday we got some really flirty stuff that happened, and then Monday we decided to give being a couple a test run, just to see if we could be compatible.

It's only been a few days, but I'm already noticing some possibly deal-breaking issues. We spent these few days largely in each other's company.

There is, well, lack of feeling of relationship. Now I don't mean I expected us to become close immediately, but rather that I don't even feel like she's trying to build one, or work with me towards building one. She doesn't even talk to me when I see her most days. When we were just friends we talked almost constantly, but she's done a 180 recently, and doesn't talk AT ALL. The only time she talks is if I force a conversation topic. But that's not conversation...its one-sided, especially since she usually keeps it brief.

Eventually I don't know what else to say, and just sit there in silence while she continues to just work on her stuff without paying any attention to her. I just get bored and sad and look at my phone the entire time...

When I tried to talk about 'what are we?' and figure out what expectations we had, and just talk about what we wanted from each other, she just kinda said 'whatever you want it to be.'

Second is there's a complete lack of affection (my main love language, and the one she said was her's as well). It feels like there's a brick wall between her and me. I have to force myself in to get any touch between us. Even when we do it feels like I'm 'forcing' her, and she really just doesn't want me there.

Overall, just emotionally, she makes me feel like I'm not welcome, or that I'm 'invading her space' by my mere presence. It just feels completely cold, and there's not even a feeling of friendliness we had before. It's like I've been completely cut off the moment we said we liked each other.

I'm not having fun, in fact most of the time I'm very bored and not really doing anything, because she's too busy with her own stuff to even pay the slightest bit of attention to me.

She's also completely emotionally unavailable. She just has the same blank facial emotion (and not a happy one) when I'm around her. What threw me off was this morning, when she saw one of her friends. She instantly brightened greatly, and became talkative, smiling and laughing throughout. It made me feel horrible, that someone could cause that reaction in her, but me, her potential SO, has to work hard even see a smirk or a chuckle. It was like she slapped me accross the face.

Overall, I could go on, but from the get-go, I feel not only unloved, but also just fundamentally unwanted and uncared for. I don't know her interests, because she hasn't even discussed them with me, and we seem to have nothing in common now that I'm in this situation.

This is my first relationship (she's had several relationships)...and first time anyone's been interested in my in general. But I feel like I've already crashed. I feel like such a failure, and I personally think that, to be honest, maybe I'm just not mature enough for, or expect too much out of, relationships. After all, just being in this relationship, if we can call it that, is stressing me out, and I'm losing sleep even writing this.

I plan on talking with her tomorrow, but I don't think it'll fix anything.

What am I supposed to do? I have no clue how relationships are supposed to be? Ugh...I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. I'm so confused, and I don't know if I love her to be honest. I thought relationships were supposed to make me feel happier, but all this has done is just make me feel miserable in just a few days...

Sometimes I think our first relationships are just sort of trials where we are trying to find the right person. Of course you are stressed out, this is all new to you. Before I married, I dated a lot of people who were very bad fits for me. You will take some of the experiences you have had with this partner and use them when you navigate future relationships. If she doesn't make you happy, move on. When I was single, I was certainly searching for an intimate partner to be in my life. Good luck with everything.

[~Christina]

Doesn't seem like this romantic relationship has a chance in hell to be honest.

You just started this with her, now should be what's called the " honeymoon stage" can't stand to a part .

It's just not there.

My advice .... Have a talk and end the romantic stuff. Maybe you two can keep up a friendship, often people just need a break tho, don't expect you two to go back to pre dating.

It's never a good idea to be asking right out of the gate about the state of you're relationship.

Since this is your first time relationship you, best advice slow down don't try to label somethings with new person that quick.

End it on friendly terms you two have very little time invested.

Take care

[Acorn Oaktree]

Relationships can be difficult, even for some of us "seasoned veterans"!

I'm no therapist, but to me, she sounds like she's going though some stuff that has nothing to do with you. Try not to take it personally, ok? It's really not you. It sounds like the relationship is just not working for what ever reason. It's nobody's fault.

I did that to a boyfriend once. We flirted like hell for a while, and then when we became a couple, I literally didn't say much to him at all! I didn't say anything because I was scared to tell him that I didn't know how to be in a relationship because of my own many issues. Needless to say, the relationship ended rather quickly!

Here's a bit of advice that is universal. Do you know anything about the law of attraction? It's powerful stuff! You make a "T" shaped chart. On the left side, you put the qualities you don't want in a partner. Eg, agressive, boring, tall, unhealthy, stinky......
Then on the right side, beside the thing you don't want, you put the thing you do want. Eg, beside aggressive you put gentle, beside boring, you could put adventurous, beside stinky you could put practices good hygene........

Obviously, you could make a huge list, but this was just an example. When you put an example on the right side about what you do want, you cross off the thing you don't want on the left side. It's a really good brain exercise that helps you to reaffirm what it is that YOU want, and helps make it a bit easier to weed out the stuff that you don't want a lot quicker.

Sometimes relationships don't work out, even though you've convinced yourself that if you try the hardest you've ever tried, you can make it work. It really sucks, and so does the heart break that comes along with it!

My hope for you is that if the relationship ends before it's to late, that you can go back to being friends. It does happen, if both parties are mature enough to realize it!

[AVerySadThrow]

Originally Posted by Mysterious153

Sometimes I think our first relationships are just sort of trials where we are trying to find the right person. Of course you are stressed out, this is all new to you. Before I married, I dated a lot of people who were very bad fits for me. You will take some of the experiences you have had with this partner and use them when you navigate future relationships. If she doesn't make you happy, move on. When I was single, I was certainly searching for an intimate partner to be in my life. Good luck with everything.

Thanks, it seems like, since I was new to relationships and wanted to take things a little slower she thought I didn't want to move forward at all, and was scared to. That still doesn't really explain the lack of talking around me though. We were talking plenty just about random things before...

I don't know. I don't know what I want. I don't know what I should want. I've been alone for so long, and it looks like I can't even get to the point where I can even accept not being alone, or that someone could love me in general.

She's left it up to me, and said we'll be okay either way, although I feel bad for putting her through all of this in the first place. Anyways, we're leaning in the direction of stepping back from the relationship aspect, and learning more about, and enjoying each other's company, as friends. I kind of feel like that's right.

There was a spark there, but it was kind of snuffed out when all of this happened. I feel like, if we return to the scenario where that spark first emerged, we may develop those feelings again. If not, then we don't

I don't know if that sounds unreasonable though...

[seesaw]

It seems to me like you jumped into being around each other too much too soon. You know "absence makes the heart grow fonder"? If you're going to be in a relationship, you don't need to be around each other 24/7, you need to go on dates and learn how to have fun together. If I went to being around a person 24/7, I'm sure I'd be uncomfortable.

Take a step back and slow down a little bit. Maybe you'll find that you are indeed compatible.

Seesaw