[Sad Mermaid]

I am a woman in my 40s with grown children, who was married twice in the past and had many suitors besides the husbands (not so much sexual partners, but admirers).

I have two brain disorders: bipolar and migraines. Both are controlled successfully by a combination of medications, exercise, and relaxation. By "controlled successfully" I mean that my remaining symptoms are manageable and I feel incredibly grateful for my quality of life. I remember how horrible life was before the main medicine for bipolar was found, and my heart goes out to people who are suffering now because for them an effective medication solution has not been found.

I bike, swim, take brisk walks and do strength training at the gym to feel better and look radiant. All this is a fairly new and happy development for me. While I was being symptomatic with bipolar and also via taking weight-gaining medications that I did not end up using long-term, I accumulated excess weight and look zaftig, but fit: my gait is energetic and my posture is good. I walk an average of 12-14K steps a day (the recommended step count is 10K/day).

I am very successful socially: when not depressed, I know intuitively what to say, how to smile, etc., to fit in in a social situation and attract positive attention. I probably have a plethora of social skills I cannot even identify, because they work on a completely subconscious level.

I sometimes write stories and more stories get written by my mind when I walk or go about doing things - I plan to write those down one day. I am never bored due to how my mind is working: sometimes I am tired of my thoughts, but never bored.

***

I met a man on OK Cupid. Let us call him Rob. He is close to age 50. He self-identifies as a polyamorist, which does not mean that he has a lot of partners - it is more that ethical non-monogamy is a matter of principle for him. He has had two main women partners in the past. One, named Pam, eventually got married and lives in a traditional marriage and he is very good friends with her husband. They are in different city, though. Rob says that Pam, when she and Rob lived together, benefitted more from the polyamorous arrangement than he did, in that she had more partners outside of the relationship, both men and women. Later he was in a relationship with a woman named Jane who is married; after 6 years she abruptly called it quits, citing her husband's unwillingness to maintain the relationship as open, and they now are simply friends. Her abandoning him caused Rob extreme distress.

Rob is high-functioning autistic with an Asperger's. He is a successful computer programmer and he says that there are many people with Asperger's in his profession. He successfully taught himself some social skills, but still remains the opposite of me on the introversion/extroversion spectrum.

Rob also has depression, which is hard to treat because he builds up tolerance to antidepressants. His depression is not suicidal (unlike mine), but is disabling, as it is characterized by a profound lack of motivation.

Rob has ADHD for which he takes effective medication. I have sharp focus.

Apparently, Rob's body does not produce endorphins in response to exercise, as he feels no pleasure from physical activity and never has been good at any sport; as a result his life is dangerously sedentary. He takes medications for high cholesterol and uses a testosterone spray. He has a large belly and also fat on the upper body, and his legs are swollen from his being sedentary. He was not always like that and he feels pained by being so heavy, but cannot motivate himself to go for walks or work out at the gym because of the lack of endorphin response and because he feels bored. He has nothing to think about when he walks and thus is the opposite of me.

He has erectile dysfunction which he attributes to a combination of being sedentary and side effects of Prozac. He takes the highest approved dose of Prozac. He can last for a bit (this is from 2 experiences since May of this year, and otherwise he does not attempt sex), but then fizzes out and does not ejaculate. It is pleasurable for him while it lasts, though, so it is not clear why he has not attempted sex more often, given that I stay over every Sat night.

He has a hobby he enjoys tremendously. The hobby involves doing very detailed work. He cannot motivate himself to do the hobby frequently enough, though, and that is not anhedonia because when he does do the hobby, he is on cloud nine. He has accumulated a big room full of hobby-related books and the sight of that room horrifies me. He has books about aspects of the hobby that he does not even plan to pursue (but he still likes having the books).

He is not successful on OK Cupid - women do not write to him. When he went to a polyamorous meetup, nobody talked to him. I do not mind polyamory and I have just signed up for their meetup and I know that when I go, everyone would want to speak to me; Rob and I are on the opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to success socially.

Rob does not have children and the thought that he might never have them is clearly awful for him. He did not want to have children with Pam and Jane did not want to have children, and now he feels that he wasted his childbearing years on these women. I wrote to him that I am a dead end in this regard (I take teratogenic medications) and he did not respond. I feel thankful for my children and lucky that I have them, but also recognize that when I was in my twenties, I prioritized having children above all else, and he did not. Still, I feel like a winner - I have children; am socially successful; have had lots of suitors; enjoy physical movement; have the ability to orgasm (on my own). He does not have children; is socially awkward; has had very few partners considering opting for polyamory (if somebody like me were into polyamory, there would be a need for an effective system to calendar rendezvous); does not have the ability to orgasm.

Another thing is he has not found as effective a solution for the mood disorder and I have and he has ADHD while I am super concentrated.

So I feel incredibly lucky next to him and spend my time trying to imagine how horrifying it must be to be in his shoes. The thing is, he does not benefit from my trying to imagine the horrors of his situation, and there are things I simply cannot picture, such as being bored.

The relationship is a drain for me - I do not see any future with Rob. I am ready to end it. And chances are that my next relationship will be traditional (I may have fun conversing with polyamorists at a meetup but ideally I would prefer a one-on-one relationship) and then I will end the relationship with Rob anyway. I am not going to sacrifice another relationship for him. I think it would hurt him less to end it now than to continue and end it later when he has had a chance to become more attached, because he was hurt immensely when Jane broke up with him. Of course, back in the day he had sex with her and now he cannot, so he was more attached to her for that reason, but still, the length of time - they were together for 6 years - contributed to the feeling of a loss for him.

A curious thing is that after my last restaurant outing with him I believe that, paradoxically, I am too slender for him as he talks with admiration of gorgeous big women and as Jane and Pam (I saw their pictures) are bigger than me. Since all my efforts are now expended towards losing weight and towards finding slenderizing outfits, I hope to only look more slender soon. To give you a numerical reference, I wear sizes 16-18 and Jane and Pam probably wear sizes 22-24 - this is a bit of a difference. Jane especially is quite wide. Then again, maybe he lacks the social skill to compliment me directly and instead talks about other gorgeous big women - not sure.

I also cannot afford the relationship: I drive far to see him and go out to a restaurant (paying for my meal) every weekend, and if I were to stay home, I would go to an inexpensive Chinese place nearby or eat at home, and not drive far. I have calculated that I could be buying an item of clothing each month by foregoing going out with Rob, and since my finances are very tight, it is an important consideration. I am not petty, but just realistic.

I keep a toothbrush and medications at his place. I am currently thinking of taking them with me soon and then writing him an email explaining why. I need advice on what to put in that email. I am thinking that it would be enough to say that I do not see a future and that I am hoping to eventually have a traditional relationship with a man, and at that point breaking up could be almost as hurtful for him as was the case with Jane, so now is better than later. I do not want to write about how draining it is to listen to his account of being autistic, being unmotivated, etc.

I currently cannot see myself breaking the news to him in person and in general I find it easier to express myself in writing, when I have a chance to polish the letter. Maybe it is cowardice.

I should also say that at some point there was mild attraction to him on my side, but now there is none. I do not want to tell him that, though.

Thank you.

[Sad Mermaid]

One more thing is that Rob started going to the swimming pool with me. Swimming occupies his mind - you need to think about how to coordinate your body in order to swim - so he is not bored, unlike with walking. He cannot last long, though, because of a lack of endurance. When he cannot swim anymore, he walks in the walking lane - I have read that walking against the resistance of the water is good exercise. He gets about 20-30 mins of exercise a week this way, on Saturdays. Before I invited him to swim, he did not exercise at all. I also invited him to do relaxing yoga with me on more than one occasion, but he does not go - at the same time he constantly complains of mindlessly browsing the Internet, so it is not that he does not have time to go.

We go swimming together on Saturday afternoons. I also go swimming during the week, but he does not. I swim breaststroke for an hour non-stop. We do not talk much in the pool because I am busy swimming. But it is a positive change in his life that he at least is doing that.

The pool is open early in the morning on Saturdays, and I doubt that he would be motivated to come that early, so part of me hopes that I can tell him that I am switching to mornings in order to free up my Saturdays for hiking and that he would continue going in the afternoon. The thing is, he will still be hurt. I do not think hurting him is avoidable. There is something childish about him and about his lack of social finesse. I feel like I am about to hurt a child.

[seesaw]

Look, people are hurt by rejection, so yeah, you are going to hurt him no matter what. All you can do is be honest and be quick. The longer you let it go on, the more attached he will get.

I would just be honest and concise. Say that you don't feel like you have much in common, that the drive is too far and too expensive for you, and you want to pursue other things. You can also mention that you aren't that invested in the polyamorous thing and would prefer a 1:1 relationship.

Do not mention the lack of attraction, that will be excessively hurtful to him.

Good luck,
seesaw

[Moogieotter]

You sound very sweet and kind. I'm sure you will think of a good approach. You care for him and that's admirable. You are also a good writer and have organized thoughts.

Does he have any support system other than you? What about building a relationship on a friendly level with his social support friends/relatives and clue them in to you ending it with him? Just an idea.

Good luck,

moogs

[Sad Mermaid]

Thank you both!

He has lots of friends on Facebook and has friends he spends time with in person. I noticed that when he moved (he bought a condo) and was unpacking his hundreds of boxes associated with the hobby collection, his FB friends cheered him on: he would post pictures of his progress and they would like and comment. I do not know these people, though.

[Sad Mermaid]

Originally Posted by seesaw

I would just be honest and concise. Say that you don't feel like you have much in common, that the drive is too far and too expensive for you, and you want to pursue other things. You can also mention that you aren't that invested in the polyamorous thing and would prefer a 1:1 relationship.

Do not mention the lack of attraction, that will be excessively hurtful to him.

Good luck,
seesaw

I really like the idea of being concise and how you phrased it about my not being that invested in the polyamorous thing; I am glad I posted.