[Engine81]

I've been in two serious relationships both after an amount of time I feel like either leaving or unsure about. The first I lost attraction quickly the second I have a loss of interest in intimacy and sex drive but there is still attraction.

I was exposed to sex at a young age and was sexually abused as a child. I'd like to say it was mild? Dry humping with a male cousin, I was 5 he was 16. Then what was probably worse, having oral with my same sex cousin at the age of 5, she was 6. We were both abused by the same cousin. I know this effects my sex life now. I don't particularly like oral at all, I get off more on my own, I deflect sexual intimacy, and it's difficult for me to get turned on or to want it. That does not mean I don't enjoy it.

Back to the issue. With my current boyfriend I am falling into a trend of wanting out, I realize that I am trying to escape and want to fix that urge of mine. We work well together the only thing lacking is sex. We have sex maybe once a Month. He obviously wants more, and feels unwanted or dejected. We didn't start like this though. It was passionate hot and then as soon as we became committed I started to lose my sex drive and interest.

He seems to just about given up though I have done therapy to try and battle this and get better. He fights with me a lot about it and how he tries and I just shoo him away. It's not my fault. I'm not trying to be like that, I can't help it. I trust him completely too.

I've tried also to subconsciously make him leave me. Tell him I want to travel long term or tell him I have a crush on someone else. I love him dearly but something inside me wants to leave and ignite short passionate sex/love with someone else, it's the only time I feel it, when it's new.

I'm not sure where to start to get "better" how to want sex, how to not deflect his touch how to be open. I feel like if I don't soon we will breakup and I'll start the same trend again with someone new...

[FeelingHopeful]

How long have you been together!

[Skeezyks]

Hello Engine81: I'm sorry you are experiencing this difficulty. I don't really have anything to offer with regard to this. Something is causing you to respond the way you are responding to your bf. Perhaps it is the abuse you suffered as a child. I know you said you had "done therapy" to try to battle this. I don't know how long you did it for. I take it, though it was not helpful.

Getting at what's going on with you, & figuring out what to do about it, is going to take time & effort with a therapist you trust & feel comfortable with. Is it possible you either didn't keep going long enough or that you didn't feel comfortable with the therapist? It can take a few tries, sometimes, to find the right mental health professional for you. The problem is, I don't know how you go about "fixing this" on your own. From my perspective it is a problem that requires professional attention. Perhaps other members, here on PC, will have some self-help suggestions to offer.

Anyway... I see this is your first post here on PC. So.... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[Sad Mermaid]

Can you simply not deflect his touch? You cannot fake being passionate when you aren't, but can you make yourself available to you when he wants you? Then his passion might just ignite yours. I think it is worth the effort to focus on simply not rejecting him.

[Engine81]

Originally Posted by FeelingHopeful

How long have you been together!

Hello! Almost two years.

[Engine81]

Originally Posted by Sad Mermaid

Can you simply not deflect his touch? You cannot fake being passionate when you aren't, but can you make yourself available to you when he wants you? Then his passion might just ignite yours. I think it is worth the effort to focus on simply not rejecting him.

I could, I'm just afraid it won't be genuine or I will start something and then tease him and not want to do more. I know that's ok, but since this is hard on him too I don't want to hurt him.

[cluelessgal]

Hi Engine81,

More than calling it 'commitment issues', you may want to call it 'intimacy issues' and you came up with the right conclusion, it's connected to your childhood sexual abuse.

I really, really recommend you read the book - The Body Keeps Score, by Bessel van der Kolk. I've read the book myself and while it is not self-help book, it would greatly help you be aware of why you are feeling what you are feeling and a few things you can try.

With what I've read in the book and remember, I would try to explain why you feel this way (again, would be helpful if you read and understand it yourself)

- When you experience something violent that threatens your peaceful existence, your brain sends you signals to help you get away from that situation. However, when you ignore that warning signal, your brain pretty much breaks down, in experiencing the trauma and not doing anything about it.

When your brain's system breaks down this way, while you may continue to function socially, your brain doesn't stop sending those warning signals and the whole world, become a place filled with triggers.
This is why sometimes even being touched lovingly makes one feel uneasy.

Either you continue to live in the world as if the danger is ongoing, or you completely go numb about it. The primitive part of the body continues to live in past. You need to make that part of your brain feel safe again. (May explain why you are having issues being intimate...and not just sexually, but physically, emotionally.....a part of your brain sees this intimacy as danger and not love.)

- Talk therapy helps in trauma, but only when your body doesn't feel hijacked by past (may explain why a therapist has not been able to help you so far). It's about accessing the part of your brain that still is seeing the world as a dangerous place and convincing it, that the danger is long gone. Only you'd know whether you feel overwhelmed by your abuse or have completely stopped feeling anything.

- Sometimes, even if a person may feel disgusted by it, they seem to go back to the past. This may be because we feel connected and energized by the last time we felt 'alive'
For a child, sex may be the most unique experience and when you are exposed to sex that early, it literally changes the way your brain develops after that. This may explain why you crave 'passionate love'...that was a unique and traumatic experience for you and you want to keep revisiting it, instead of making deep, loving, intimate connections....which normally an adult would want.

You have to make peace with your body, rewire your brain, or you'd keep going back to your behavior. The book talks about yoga, EMDR, neurofeedback, theatre and few such things which may help. The book kinda falls short in this arena, since a person maybe clueless about which direction to take (I am clear, but few may find it confusing), but it would really help you understand your situation.

I really hope this helps you. Good luck.

[MickeyCheeky]

Have you tried with a therapist? It seems like you have some deep, personal issues with your childhood. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you good luck