[Jazzy17]

I am not sure what I am looking for advice or support or both. I have been married for 10 years to a man who is controlling. I don’t want to leave him but could if I was so inclined. Here’s the thing, I have a good job and am able to care for myself, when we met that was what he loved about me. Now as the years have gone on, those are the things that he hates about me. For example, he complained about us not having enough money and how he already “works hard and has a very stressful job” so I went out and got jobs on the side. I work full time, plus two part time teaching jobs. I am expected to keep a perfect house, do everything for the kids, cook elaborate meals each night (and ON TIME), oh and be a sex kitten on top of it. I am just tired. He constantly wants to know what I am doing, why am I not going to the gym, he monitors my eating and drinking habits and criticizes my appearance and the way I dress on a daily basis.
It has gotten to the point where I look forward to him being at work. Our whole house is on edge when he is home. For example, today is his day off (he works 4 days a week). I am in my office working and he barges in and goes on a tirade about me working in “squalor” because I have a cord for my laptop going across the office floor and a pile of 5 textbooks next to the desk. I am a college professor and am reviewing these to see which I want to use. Then when I didn’t engage, he stormed out of the house saying he would be grocery shopping but just for himself (we have a household of 4) because I did not plan out our meals for the week in time.
I am just so tired. Doesn’t help I suffer from depression. Anyone out there in a similar situation or have any words of advice or encouragement? Thanks for listening (or reading in this case).
Jazzy

I have not been in this situation but it sounds very miserable. I personally would not stay with someone who treated me like that.

Have you considered marriage counselling? If he doesn't want to get help, doesn't sound like he's worth your time.

[metalchick]

This is not healthy for you or your children. Is there any way of sitting down with him and talk to him about what he is doing to your family? If not, then I think you should pack the kids up and go.

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by Jazzy17

... I am just tired...
It has gotten to the point where I look forward to him being at work. Our whole house is on edge when he is home.

It sounds to me like you have "kept your vows" and more and are still doing so where he has become a live-in demander rather than a husband-provider. Without pointing fingers or casting any blame, maybe just tell him (a simple, factual report) your home has become stressful for everyone along with himself and ask whether the two of you might begin working together along the line of some solutions before anyone might no longer be able to bear being there.

[Jazzy17]

Thanks. It is always easy for people to just say "leave" so I really appreciate your idea as it seems like something I can do. I know my husband loves me and I love him as well. I know he wants things to be better as well. He just seems to not see how his behavior impacts me. When we have our next couples meeting (which we do weekly), I am going to try this approach.

Jazzy

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by Jazzy17

When we have our next couples meeting (which we do weekly), I am going to try this approach.

That sounds great, and I was hoping the two of you can still communicate in that kind of way but I did not know how to ask!

[fairydustgirl]

you know, I spent almost 30 years with a controlling man and in the end I did finally have to leave. I did it for my sanity. I'm not sure how you feel about your marriage, I know many people believe it is forever no matter what. only you can figure out where the boundary lies, where your red line in the sand is. how much emotional/verbal abuse you will take. my ex crossed a line I didn't even know existed until it was crossed, and I did put up with a lot, 29 years and 9 months worth. but once that line was crossed, there was no going back.
I wish you the best but I'm not entirely optimistic.

[Krazee2]

I spent 18 years with the same controlling type and behaved the way yours does but add mostly verbal abuse, a few times physical and infidelity. I hated him and he is such a narcissist I know he didn't love me. The fact you both love one another makes this even more difficult but if you seek counseling and he doesn't improve then you need to take care of yourself and your children.
This life your living is not good for you and your children's mental state or health.
Best wishes