[prin969]

I've been dating my now fiance for almost a year and we're getting married next month. In the past year I have also discovered that I have depression and anxiety and it's getting worse. (Anxiety has increased to panic attacks, depression makes me feel like I don't want anyone really close to me-if my mom can't even love me why should a person who is relatively new in my life). My mom has said things like she doesn't want to be involved with my future children if I marry him, that I am making a huge mistake and it will come back to bite me, that she doesn't want to be around me because I remind her of him and this "bad" situation. She's been pretty supportive my whole life and family has always been really important to me and a rock I could always lean on. Now I feel pretty abandoned and isolated. My fiance is a great guy, everyone else in my family likes him including my grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, but my mom is having an extremely hard time with it and as a result is using desperate measures/words to try and stop me. (She also hasn't gotten to know him at all and won't let him in to get to know him).
I've distanced myself from her a lot to stay away from the toxic situation but it still really hurts that my mom doesn't want to be around me and is making this time that should be happy into a miserable experience mixed with a little happiness.

[Talthybius]

You never explain us the 'why'. Not what she tells you why. Or what you think the 'why' is.

[Moogieotter]

Sorry you sre struggling. Does your finance have a good job?

Sorry to hear you are struggling.

Has your mom expressed why she doesn't want you to get married to your fiance?

[Erebos]

What is her reasoning for disliking him so intensely, when the rest of your family is fine.
Is she overprotective?

Has she been like this with other boyfriends?

Does she know something about him that you shared with her but didn't share with anyone else? E.g did you go to her after you had fought with him and expressed that he had hurt and upset you?

[wildflowersinmytea]

As someone who married quickly, I would strongly suggest to anyone to not rush to marry. I thought I had the best of intentions, but I now wish I had not rushed. Even if you've spent every day together for 10 months, you're still learning important things about each other. If my mom who'd been supportive and good to me suddenly didn't like my fiancé, I would want to know and explore exactly why. It may be something silly, or you may be in those blind early stages of love not seeing what she does. To me I think it's worth knowing for sure.

[divine1966]

Is there cultural/religious difference? Or socio economic? Or educational level? Sometimes that plays a role in parental opinion on their kids choices.

[prin969]

Her reasons are that he is short and she thinks I'm choosing bad genetics for my future kids. (Though he is a couple inches taller than me). She says she knows he's a good person but doesn't want me marrying him. She also thinks he is unattractive and so that adds to the bad genetics. Basically, she thinks I'm settling, but she also has anxiety and depression and it has become the hardest situation she's been through in her life (is what she said).
With this situation I've also looked back on my life and seen that she's supportive of me if I do what she wants. I've always tried to make her happy.

[prin969]

Originally Posted by Moogieotter

Sorry you sre struggling. Does your finance have a good job?

He does, and he's a hard worker. He takes on the harder clients at his workplace that others struggle with. (He does home care/community support work for disabled clients).

If she seriously doesn't want you to marry this man due to him being short and unattractive in her eyes, then take her opinion with a grain of salt. Those things should not matter.

[divine1966]

Gee that's so superficial!!! I'd let her talk but certainly wouldn't make my decisions based on superficial shallow opinions!

[wildflowersinmytea]

Sorry then. That's completely absurd. Does your mother have a diagnosis?

[divine1966]

My mother said the same thing when I got engaged to my first husband. She didn't tell me not to marry but said he will ruin our genetics. She said it laughingly like it's s joke. Well it isn't. Our marriage didnt work in a long run but he is a great father and our daughter is gorgeous. But who the heck cares about looks! So superficial! Don't let your family to speak poorly of him!

[Rostou]

Originally Posted by prin969

Her reasons are that he is short and she thinks I'm choosing bad genetics for my future kids. (Though he is a couple inches taller than me). She says she knows he's a good person but doesn't want me marrying him. She also thinks he is unattractive and so that adds to the bad genetics. Basically, she thinks I'm settling, but she also has anxiety and depression and it has become the hardest situation she's been through in her life (is what she said).
With this situation I've also looked back on my life and seen that she's supportive of me if I do what she wants. I've always tried to make her happy.

Right. Your Mom sound toxic. You can't make anybody do anything, particularly a toxic one. I suggest you live your life for you, make sure your decisions are sensible, and get on with it.

[TishaBuv]

My mother did the same thing to me. She would put these thoughts of doubt in my head and then I would doubt my own feelings and end the relationship. My mother is very toxic and we have had a strange, volatile relationship for life.

I married the ideal man that she should have been thrilled about. Yet she still found plenty of negatives to say and start trouble about over the years. I learned there was just no pleasing her no matter what I did.

Do what is in your heart and stay far away from your mother for the sake of your eventual marriage to whomever.

My MIL tried to stop our wedding, She thought our marriage wouldn't last and she thought that I wasn't good enough for her son. We have now been married 25 years.

[Baker#88]

My mom never cared for my wife and her fist words out of her mouth was "is she pregnant?" She wanted me to marry the girl I was dating before, because her mommy and daddy were loaded. Or the one I dated before her. At times, I myself wonder why I did.........