[dorsey555]

whenever I've spoken my "truth" to people that have hurt me in some way, I always ended up feeling "crazy" and ashamed, so i pretend to not see how I'm being used or abused or just plain old disappointed. I have a birthday coming next week, and just today I decided that I no longer will deny my truth. I called both my brothers and my nephew and let them know how hurt I was that they weren't there for me in such a simple way last week when I needed them. I'm too embarrassed to even say what a simple thing I asked of them, let's say it wouldn't have taken much to help me. I also wrote someone and shared my disappointment with the way that they treated me recently. In the past I wanted others to feel bad about the way that they treated me and apologize. A small part of me wants that, but now more importantly I've decided to stop pretending that I'm not hurt when I am. To be deserted by love ones hurts, but what is worst than that is deserting myself. I feel sad that I'm probally losing what little connection I did have with my family, but maybe I can stop trying to buy love and use that energy in loving myself. I deserve to be treated with respect. Maybe it's as easy as deciding to treat myself with respect. I have some issues, but that doesn't make me any less valuable. I've spent hours and hours trying to fiqure out why certain people have mistreated me. The biggest birthday gift that I can give myself next week is to stop, just stop. And to start loving myself from the inside out.

(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))

good for you. I'm trying to do the same, my t and psych nurse have given me 'homework' to try and do just that.Goodluck sweetie - you are worth it and you do deserve to love yourself. keep posting!

love, jinny xoxoxoxoxoxo

[altonwoodsdrphil]

hey Dorsey, i'd like to tell you a few things I noticed about what you said in your post. it's pretty common for people who avoid conflict to stuff things and eventually flip out. Its like a dam breaking and always comes out wrong because its so "tainted" with unresolved pain.(nasty stuff) I also noticed that you said "i deserve to be treated with respect" thats true Dorsey, but if you're using this "imperfection"or "failing" of other people as an "entitlement trigger" to feel a certain way, then it's you who has chosen to be offended/hurt/angry...we can ALL do better than that...

(((((dorsey)))))

Let me start off by saying thank you for posting. I can connect to so much of what you said. Speaking to those who hurt me never existed and even to those who say they care, just was not possible. I could not allow anyone to see what I was or was feeling.

I know the feeling of losing one's family as I too am stepping out of what I know to something good for myself. For the first time in my life, I am reaching for something that will take care of me instead of just accepting what others have told me I deserve. And maybe in that willingness to take a chance to reach, I am starting the beginning of taking care of myself.

I know I have deserted myself and at times it is hard to even recognize I exist anymore. It is as though I have faded off into the walls and became what ever was expected. I accepted where I was as what was to be, when in reality, I really do have a choice. I shut off any feelings I may have had and just accepted what would keep the peace or make others care in anyway I could get it. And in that care, I denighed who I was or that I even existed.

Finding one's self and allowing what I need to be is one of the hardest things I have ever done. Being heard for the first time with no judgement and no expectation has been really hard, yet I continue to reach for that unfamiliar for it is in that unfamiliar, I have found a glimmer of hope that I did not even know could exist. And I guess in realizing that existence, maybe for the first time I am accepting myself as a person who deserves to have a voice.

Maybe, that is the first step of beginning to love myself. And although just to say that scares me, it is also the first time those words have ever left myself. And though I am scared to death to push that send button, maybe it is just the thing I need to start listening from the inside out.

Thank you for your post and for your courage to say what you did. You gave me the courage to look inside myself today for maybe the first time, and say these things. I do hope you give yourself that gift of stopping and just reaching inside yourself and to love yourself. You are strong and brave. I send you you good thoughts and prayers. Know you are loved. (and I hope you have a wonderful birthday).

purplesecrets

[dorsey555]

Thanks everybody,
I treasure what you all said. I'm embarrassed to say that I called the people that I confronted to apologize for the "way" that I confronted them, and thier reponse was worst than the first time! One person hung up on me. I cried a little, but afterwards I felt even stronger. Like maybe I needed to see the truth for a second time. It made me even more committed to loving myself. On my birthday this saturday, I'm going to get a massage, then go to a comedy club and have dinner and a decadent dessert. I'll be doing it for all of you also.
God bless you all,
dorsey