[connect.the.stars]

I believe I am a product of Childhood Emotional Neglect. Dr. Jonice Webb has her own blog here on Psych Central and posts articles about it quite frequently. In summary, CEN is related to a parents' inadequate response to a child's emotional needs. As a result, the child has trouble managing emotions because he/she grew up without learning the proper emotional language/tools to express and communicate their emotional needs.

Growing up, I had all of my material needs met. My parents would constantly remind me that I should never take my food, shelter, and good education for granted since it was something that they did not have easy access to when they were growing up in Taiwan. They always pushed me to get straight A's, prohibited me from watching TV or playing games after school, sent me to test prep classes so I could get into a good college, and now they want me to pass my licensure examinations so that my career is stabilized.

Not once through this process did they ever ask me what I wanted. Actually nevermind, my mom did ask me what I wanted to become when I was 5 years old. When I said "artist" she royally shamed me and said I would be starving on the streets if I ever chose that as a profession and told me to be an accountant instead. 20 years later, guess what I am...

My whole life has been a series of tests and hoops to jump through. After I get to the next goal, I think I can take a break...but no, it's onto the next thing that I haven't achieved or completed. When I was 22-23, I fell into a bout of moderate depression because I realized I could never achieve the perfection which my parents so desired of me. I was never going to be like my sister - successful, smart, and surrounded by friends.

I have never been able to communicate with my parents very well. It's always been them telling me what to do, me struggling to do what they want until they are satisfied, and then I either get a "pass" or "here is your next task." I feel like whenever I try to express my opinion to them, they don't hear me. They might hear the words I am saying, but they don't really listen to what I am feeling.

As a result, I am scared of approaching them to ask for something. Because the answer is almost always "no." And they don't take "no" from me as an answer. It is a tiresome process. I try really hard to say something, but at the end of the lecture from them, I lose my resolve and oblige to their opinion instead of my own. I have learned not to say what I really want, but rather what they want to hear.

Right now I have something I really really want, but once again my parents are disapproving. I will provide the details below, but long story short is that my parents don't approve of my boyfriend and I don't know how to manage this conflict of opinion.

I would like some advice on how to communicate my feelings/emotions/opinions (to my dad in particular). I always tend to reach a "shut down" point where I become quiet because I don't want to say something that would hurt my cause. I have this problem with my boyfriend too. Whenever this difficult topic comes up - I don't know how to say what I really want to say. I want to reassure him that I would never give up on him, but with the way that I can never convince my parents of anything, I don't know if I can really promise my resolve to fight for him.

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Background detail (for those who like extra reading) is below. It's not exactly pertinent to the underlying problem that I have communication issues with my parents, but figured it wouldn't hurt to give some context of what I am trying to make a case for.

I have been dating the man of my dreams for almost 7 months now. He is 29 (turning 30 soon). I am 24. He knows me inside and out and really understands what my emotional needs are. We have both shared our deep dark pasts and insecurities with each other. He understands how depression haunted my past. I understand his insecurities in life. His main insecurity in life is the fact that all his friends are getting married, having kids, and progressing smoothly along with their significant others. He has always wanted to have a family and hopefully settle down before the age of 30. I try to remind him that age is just a number - but it holds a very heavy weight upon him that he is soon turning 30 and nothing in his life seems to be going for him. Most importantly - he doesn't want to be alone forever.

His previous relationship was with a girl he would have married. They bought a house together, everything was going perfect. But it ended because her parents disapproved of him (he was not a doctor making millions of $ and she was studying for her doctorate degree). He ended up having to sell the empty house and re-purchased a different condo using the proceeds.

Currently, my father is also imposing a somewhat unrealistic expectation on my boyfriend's career. Unfortunately, I live in a very expensive cost of living area in California (Bay Area). The salaries you see most people holding above their heads are 6 figures (mainly software engineers, etc.). To purchase a decent home, you need at least 100k-150k down payment upfront cash. My dad's expectation of my boyfriend's earning potential seems to be geared toward 6 figures. To me, as long as he has a stable reasonable income to get by, who cares? Money doesn't buy happiness.

I have a lot of trouble talking to my father. I don't know if it's the language barrier, cultural/generational barrier, or due to my inability to stick up for myself... Every time I talk to him about my boyfriend, it ends up turning into a conversation about how he's not good enough for me. He doesn't spoil me enough, he doesn't earn enough, etc. My dad acts like my feelings don't matter.

I get so frustrated that my dad doesn't see how good my boyfriend is for me. I went to therapy for a year (without my parents knowing) before meeting my boyfriend, and thanks to his constant reminders to be more confident in myself, I was able to break free of my depression. Depression that I thought I would never escape because I could never attain the stupid perfect image that my parents wanted me to be.

I don't want my boyfriend to ever have to go through what he did in his previous relationship- losing a girl just because her parents disapproved. I want more than anything to be able to take away the pain of his insecurities and promise him forever.

As an Asian daughter though, I have a binding obligation to my elders and cannot disagree with what my parents say.

I absolutely hate the notion that love needs to impose conditions. I feel that my dad's condition is well-meaning (he wants my future husband to be able to provide me material things), but I think this traditional idea is outdated. Who says that I need to depend on a man to obtain what I need? Why can't I earn it myself as a woman? What if I don't care for a bunch of expensive things in life? I actually much rather prefer a simple life.

I really would like some advice on how to talk to and approach my dad. Especially the part where he undermines or talks over me and doesn't let me express my opinion. Perhaps I can never be able to have a connected conversation with him and will just have to agree to disagree. Or perhaps I need to find a way to overcome the huge waves of guilt whenever I am unable to conciliate to my parents' terms.

[Moogieotter]

connect.the.stars,

Sorry you are struggling. It's all going to be ok.

moogs

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by connect.the.stars

I believe I am a product of Childhood Emotional Neglect...

As an Asian daughter though, I have a binding obligation to my elders and cannot disagree with what my parents say...

I absolutely hate the notion that love needs to impose conditions.

Maybe you have seen "Fiddler On The Roof" (movie) where the realities of the day seems to lure, steal and/or drive (?) the main character's daughters from Tradition. I would not be inclined to view observance of Tradition as emotional neglect even if the resulting symptoms seem the same, and neither would I automatically view observance of Tradition as loving action where the realities of the day and Tradition seem to be in such great conflict...and all of that leaves you stuck in the middle with the same decision before you in relation to Tradition: Yes, or no?

I have no advice or suggestion to offer, just full support for whatever you might decide.

I don't think you will bring your parents around to your way of thinking. I think that's something that has to happen with time.

Just know that they went through the same thing that you are as far as breaking away from their parents. I guarantee it.

It's very possible to respect and disagree simultaneously. There's a whole bunch of nodding and "I understand-ing" that goes on in my life, with my own parents. But that's all it is. I DO understand their points of view. I simply don't agree with them.

I think that you must be terribly frustrated with your efforts to get them to understand how you feel....

I wish I could help...

[Bill3]

As an Asian daughter though, I have a binding obligation to my elders and cannot disagree with what my parents say.

This is the central issue. You are going to have to decide: do you continue being the dutiful daughter and allowing your parents to continue to direct your life--or do you break free of that and make your own choices, come what may?

Right now: You do not embrace being the dutiful, obedient daughter. You resent it--but you still do it.

If you break free, you will no longer have resentment, but you will experience loss, dissonance, perhaps/probably shame from them. Which is better: fulfilling your duty while consumed with resentment, or freeing yourself and experiencing loss (as well as gain in being free and having the man of your dreams)? This is what you must decide.

I want to reassure him that I would never give up on him, but with the way that I can never convince my parents of anything, I don't know if I can really promise my resolve to fight for him.

You want your freedom but you want it with your parents' approval. I don't believe that this will happen. Your parents are not going to approve of your boyfriend or of your desire to be an artist. If you are going to have one or the other or both of these, I believe that in all likelihood you will need to go against the wishes of your parents.

It isn't an issue of being able to communicate better--don't blame yourself like that. They understand what you want. They just don't want it for you.

Have you seen the film Eat Drink Man Woman? If not, I urge you to see it. The film is about the relationships of three Chinese daughters with their father. Each daughter takes a different approach to choosing between freedom on the one hand and dutiful daughterhood on the other.

(((((connect.the.stars)))))

[connect.the.stars]

Thanks everyone. I am grateful for your support and understanding.

I suppose there isn't anything I can do to fully have my parents' support. And there isn't anything they can do if I choose not to listen to them. I would still be their daughter. And they would still be my parents.

It's unfair to my boyfriend for me to unreasonably hope that somehow my parents would turn around and accept him if he changed his career. He's not dating my parents, he's dating me - so I shouldn't be imposing my parents wishes on him. I've been an awful girlfriend to put him through this.

I need to figure out what I want before this strain tears us apart.

Originally Posted by Bill3

It isn't an issue of being able to communicate better--don't blame yourself like that. They understand what you want. They just don't want it for you.

Thank you for this Bill. It's what I needed to hear.