[Notimeleft]

Hello everyone. Each one of us is here for a specific question or problem they are trying to resolve in their life.

I am here as I have had a 26 year relationship with a man that is a Vietnam Veteran. He seems okay on the surface as he was interfacing with his customers, but underneath he is a mess. He would come home with profanities and nothing but negative comments.

We do not live together, that in itself is another story. However, I feel so used over all these Years..

We met in the very end of 1987, he was in the process of a divorce (which should have alerted me, but I was dumb!) we dated and I fell totally and completely in love with this very charming man. He asked me to move in with him after about 6 mos. of dating. I agreed, sold everything, moved in with him and I did. Children were deplorable, unruly and respectful, but I put up with it.. I worked my many hours a day at my job and had to get off early as he ex-wife was leaving the kids off on the middle of the day and there was no one there to supervise them. My company converged with another and my position was sent to Northern CA.. I left and did not have a job. However, I had some savings was helping out with groceries, house payment (he objected to that), etc.

Short story, he was coming home later and later for dinners I had prepared.. One night I asked what was the matter as he laid on he sofa with one hand above his brow???? He said he wasn't happy... That totally blew me away! We were schedule to go to Las Vegas the next morning!! I was so devestated, I told him, "I don't stay where I am not wanted" an left it at that. I cried the entire night as my heart was torn and broken completely! I asked him "who she was", he said no one... LOL!!!.. THE NEXT MORNING AT APPROX. 4:00 AM HE SAID, COME ON, GET UP.. to go to Las Vegas???? What? Was this a joke that he had played on me? What a terrible thing to do... I got up, dressed, grabbed a couple pillow, cried all through our time in Las Vegas and home again. The next morning, Monday, I gathered everything I could that only belonged to me, stuffed them in my car and left I* went to my best friends as they told me to come there and they would help me.

I lost 26 pounds in two weeks as I could not eat a thing. This man called and tried to make me feel better. But it didn't

I found out he had found a VERY rich woman in Brentwood, Ca and was with her.

I felt so worthless as I didn't have the things she had and what he was so enamored with...! Country Clubs,etc. He kept seeing me the entire time he was seeing me for sex while he was with her. Sadly, this person died from Lymphoma after 6 years.

I have been through everything a person can go through and be supportive with a person. Yet, this is the issue I have now.

He shows no compassion to anyone or anything. He is negative, has no friends but one that comes to see him occasionally every two months.. One of his Vietnam buddies. No friends to speak of.. He has a wonderful property in Venice, Ca, but he has let the inside go terribly. His bathroom looks like a back woods outhouse, carpet that is 40 years old, smells terrible! He does not brush his teeth, bathe regularly and shakes his **** at me telling me he's horny.. What is this about?

I had to move about 1.5 years ago as my Landlord was giving me Slum Lord residence.. My Daughter had me put my application in for low income Senior residency and after 3 years I was accepted.. However, I now live in a residence that is 43 miles from the man I have been so in love with.

There are so many things that he has no helped or done for me and yet I have always been there for his needs. Now he is acting like a small child as I do not want to visit him for a week-end or 5 days... take care of him, do chores, clean his home, etc. This man has money and his own company of which I have done work for him... He will pay me for book work I have done for him in a check that states Administrative on it as my Xmas gift!

He has done nothing for me as a person. He has only done things for his Son that now works for him.. Yet, he was to retire and we were to travel and do things.. His Son is an Alcoholic/drug user and this man keeps working to keep his Son working... Where does that leave us!!!!

I feel so abandoned, hurt. used and heart broken as my life has passed and is passing me by with no happiness in sight except for my children of very capable, intelligent lives and futures.

I just feel so wasted and so so used...!

[iwonderaboutstuff]

It's terrible to feel like the only one who gives and gives, invests in a relationship.

Retirement isn't necessary for travel. Maybe next time he invites you for a weekend or 5 days, tell him you'd like to see him, but not at his house, and want him to take you somewhere It's time he does something for you!

[healingme4me]

Some people are just like that. No empathy, no mental filter to how their spoken words, actions and non actions make others feel. 26 years is a lot of time and energy invested into an emotionally devoid relationship. These types come in all shapes, forms, walks of life. Probably like that since childhood.
I agree with trying the idea above. Worth a try.

It's psychologically mind bending to be affected by such behavior.

[divine1966]

He sounds awful. 26 years? Why are you even speaking to him.

I am confused though how this man has his own company and money yet he doesn't brush his teeth or clean his bathroom. Or is it a different man?

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[Notimeleft]

Originally Posted by divine1966

He sounds awful. 26 years? Why are you even speaking to him.

I am confused though how this man has his own company and money yet he doesn't brush his teeth or clean his bathroom. Or is it a different man?

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He is in the construction trade and keeps working so his Son has a job. No other company would keep his Son employeed because he's a flake. Doesn't show up for work because he drinks too much. His Father puts up with it and it puts him in a bind.

You don't need to be clean in his trade.

He began not being hygienically clean about 7 years ago... Reason? Lazy? I don't know??? It's beyond me. He sleeps a lot too... way too much. If he doesn't get his naps of 1 - 4 hours during the day, he gets really mean and grumpy.

He sounds mentally damaged from experiences in Vietnam that he obviously has not shared with anyone. As I understand it, it was one of the most mentally tough wars the USA was ever involved in, the mental impact on the soldiers that is. I have heard of so many stories of men who were never able to deal with life after they had returned.

[healingme4me]

I know people who behave like this and weren't in combat.

[divine1966]

He has something going on with combat or not but you don't need this in your life.

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[WibblyWobbly]

You should have left him when he cheated on you. You were blinded by love-time to take the blinders off and see him for who he really is, a user. I bet if you leave him eventually you will feel like the weight of the world has been lifted from your shoulders. Free for the first time in a long time.

Originally Posted by healingme4me

I know people who behave like this and weren't in combat.

Originally Posted by divine1966

He has something going on with combat or not but you don't need this in your life.

Originally Posted by WibblyWobbly

You should have left him when he cheated on you. You were blinded by love-time to take the blinders off and see him for who he really is, a user. I bet if you leave him eventually you will feel like the weight of the world has been lifted from your shoulders. Free for the first time in a long time.

All true of course, sorry I didn't mean to imply his being in combat is an excuse he can use to do what he does. I just think it might have lead to his mental state, but you're right, he does do all those things.

[Notimeleft]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Some people are just like that. No empathy, no mental filter to how their spoken words, actions and non actions make others feel. 26 years is a lot of time and energy invested into an emotionally devoid relationship. These types come in all shapes, forms, walks of life. Probably like that since childhood.
I agree with trying the idea above. Worth a try.

It's psychologically mind bending to be affected by such behavior.

I have been away, have come back with the same problem, but it seems he has gotten even worse.
I just wanted to say 'Thank You' very much. Hugs.

[Notimeleft]

I have been gone for a while....

Thank you all. It helps hearing the feed back. I'm still semi-with him, but I'm not as close as before. He really did something, like a slap in the face recently and I think that shook me enough to begin ending this. It's very hard now as my youth is gone, I don't want to start over with someone else, I'm just tired.

Take care and once again thank you!!