[BriarWolf86]

Good morning! I'm feeling very overwhelmed today, so please bear with me if this post turns out to be longer than I intended it to be.

To begin with, I would like to make it clear that I'm fully aware that the situation I'm living in now is my fault for allowing myself to become dependent on people who are toxic and oppressive. I have no problem admitting that -- as my grandmother liked to say to people who play an active role in their own unhappiness -- "I've made my bed, and now I need to sleep in it". Since I've made that known, I'll go ahead and get to the point.

Like many of us here, and everywhere else, my life is very challenging. During the first week of January 2017, my pending divorce will be finalized. I separated from my husband of 5 years (a relationship of 7 years) in February of 2016, and my life has been (mostly) pretty desolate since my husband left the household. I offered my husband a fair separation agreement, and he refused to sign it for several reasons that were incredibly petty. If necessary, I will elaborate if anyone cares to know, but it was mostly things like... "The kids can't have a passport, I don't want you to remarry someone in a foreign country.", and, "You can't use my last name on social media anymore.". Truly petty stuff. I can assure anyone reading this that the separation agreement I had drafted by my attorney was equally fair to both my husband and I. I chose an attorney who is a father's rights advocate, as well as being the court appointed mediator for family law issues where all details of the separation agreement can't be resolved amicably without assistance. My husband was always problematic and I was worried that he wouldn't get a "fair shake" in the agreement, unless I sought the help of an attorney who would understand my desire for my husband to receive the help he needs, and be allowed the opportunity to have access to our children. He will always be their father, and I will always be their father. It was important to me to salvage whatever romantic feelings I had for him and turn them into a friendship, even if it's a little phony. It's best for everyone, most importantly the children. Making enemies and vilifying others before giving them a chance to do better never did anyone any good. I've done my best with their dad, he didn't want me, it was time to give up and move on.

I got married because my husband wanted to marry me ASAP, because I was carrying twins, who are now 5 years old... a boy and a girl. They were born during our first year of marriage.

On our 3rd wedding anniversary, our son was diagnosed with what I refer to as "profound autism"... It just sounds more loving and accepting than "severely autistic"... that always somehow struck me as a "put down".

Having one child on the spectrum is bound to be a bit of a challenge for anyone -- especially a newly single mom of twins -- but it's especially challenging for me because our daughter was evaluated and diagnosed with higher functioning ASD earlier this year at the advice of her pediatrician. Her assessment had some other remarks regarding the behaviors they observed during sessions. Her final evaluation notes indicate that she shows very strong ASD traits and she may require significant support moving forward, but that many observed ASD traits may also be attributed to PTSD. She was also diagnosed with ODD, and the final notes from her evaluation state that I need to place her in therapy, preferably family therapy, so we can all be on the same page regarding how to work with her to give her the best chance of being as functional as possible, without bullying her brother and being an antagonist (for lack of a better word) to those around her.

I love my twins more than anything, but they are incredibly challenging to raise alone, without the help of their father. He has been almost completely absent since he left the home, and he has provided almost no financial support. He gave me $150 just a couple months ago, but has provided nothing else to benefit our children. Our daughter blames me for her father's absence, even though I always contact him to let him know she'd like to speak with him. Our son is almost completely non-verbal, but they do FaceTime video chat occasionally. Our daughter tells me that I "won't let her talk to daddy" and that she "hates me" when he will not return my messages or calls. It's frustrating, but I understand how frustrated she must be. I try my best to be as loving and supportive of my children as I can, because I know this has not been easy for me... and I'm a young adult. They're just small children, and this must be extremely difficult for them to adjust to. I do not blame my children.

When speaking to me during the intake visit, the twins' psychologist told me that I may benefit from seeking an evaluation of my own, because I show many signs of a person on the autism spectrum who "fell through the cracks" and was never properly diagnosed or treated. She says that I have a remarkable memory for dates and numbers, and I am more concise in my speech than most adults she has ever assessed. I filled out my children's intake packets with an ultra-fine point archival ink pen, in tiny text, so that I didn't miss a single detail regarding my observations of them. I was told that I did most of the work for them, and they would just have to spend time with the children to verify my assessments versus their own. I felt that may be important to mention, since I'm not exactly "normal" myself. I'm happy with who I am, though, but I have some sensitivities that make it difficult to cope with anything more than making sure my children are cared for and safe 24 hours a day. It's basically a full time job.

In the state where I live, legal separation doesn't exist. A married couple must file for a divorce, and if they're unable to come to a reasonable agreement on their own, a Judge is appointed and court hearings are scheduled to work out any details that the couple was unable to resolve through a mutually approved, signed and notarized, separation agreement. Sometimes a hearing isn't necessary if the relationship is tumultuous but not abusive. Once a judge receives and signs any agreements made by the divorcing couple, the marriage is, in general, officially dissolved after 30 days. I mentioned that because my husband had made threats during the year to pick the children up from any school or daycare that I may consider placing them in, and that he would be under no obligation to return them to me based on the laws in our state.

He was correct about the laws regarding custody arrangements when a marriage is still intact but the parents of the minor children are living separately, and I took his threats quite seriously. During 2014 he attempted suicide on their bedroom floor - he spent a week in the State mental facility - and during 2015 he projected guilt on me for his own actions of being unfaithful to me, and returned home from a trip and threatened me with a .22 LR, and then threatened to slit my throat with a knife while our children were present and listening to him berate me. There was another incident during a visit he had with the children during April of 2016, where he verbally abused me using several swear words. It took many months to break our daughter's habit of saying, "Daddy doesn't love you anymore and he broke your heart. I think you're a B****, because daddy thinks you're a B****.". This was all very traumatic for the children. I had a right to be present for that visit, because of my husband's consistent past behavior that was violent, self-injurious, and indicative of quite a lot of instability on his part. I don't expect him to be perfect. I am not perfect, and neither is anyone else. We're all unique, just like everyone else. I did have a right to be present for any visits that took place away from the property where the children and I live, because he was adamant about taking the children home with him, and I didn't trust him to bring them back.

During May of 2016 I hired an attorney to create a fair separation agreement so that we could divorce, like he wanted, quickly, and with as little trauma to our children as possible. Litigation is never good for the children. Co-parenting should always be attempted before taking drastic measures that may be damaging to the minor children of a marriage, or any other family members who have any interest in the divorce situation. That is the agreement he refused to sign for petty reasons. I had spoken with him and taken notes which we both agreed to, and once I had the agreement drafted and mailed to him, it suddenly was "no longer good enough". That was partially due to the fact that my son was approved for SSDI funds, and his dad seemed (and still does seem) to be interested in making use of some of that money. I'm happy to help with certain safety measures in their father's home, as that's what the funds are intended for, but I almost feel as though their father should pay for those items as there will be a child support arrearment for the past 4 months or more, and I shouldn't have to give our son's money to him when he hasn't been paying anything to support his own children.

Sorry, I'm digressing and going into WAY too much detail. I had to take an anxiety pill for the first time all month because I'm so overwhelmed with the lack of support from my family, which I will get to now. I'm very sorry for the length of this post! Truly sorry!

So I am overwhelmed today because my parents, who I am living with, seem to want Nothing to do with the twins. My mother is 60 years old and in good health, and she works full time at a job I actually used to do myself for 6 years. I know what the job entails, and it does not involve any physical labor. I'm not saying that she has no right to be stressed, or that she should be obligated to help me, but she spends virtually no time with the twins, and she never has since they were born. It makes me sad for my children, because grandparents should be a bit more supportive and treat their grandchildren like they enjoy them. Nobody has ever taken the twins out without me being present. Neither of my parents are able to cope with my children.

My mother becomes embarrassed/ashamed when she walks into a store with my son and he has a meltdown. She can't cope with people staring at her, or asking if he's okay. In contrast, I'm grateful when other people ask if he's okay, because it gives me an opportunity to introduce him to someone new and let them know he has autism, which helps people become more knowledgeable about children like him. He does very well with other adults ensuring him that he's okay, and that he's a wonderful boy. I think it's good for him. Everyone always tells him how cute and sweet he is, and he enjoys compliments just like any child.

My father is kicking a clonopin habit that's been going on for a couple years. He quit taking 2-3 mg daily about 5 weeks ago. He tried to tell me that the medication isn't physically addictive, but I know that isn't true. I take clonopin myself, but I literally only take it as needed, which averages 5-6 mg per month. My father is 72 years old, and in mostly good health with the exception of some COPD. He was using the clonopin far too regularly in order to nap all day, which meant that my children were not allowed to leave their bedroom or my bedroom. I am not allowed to use the family vehicles because my husband had an awful driving record, which somehow leads my parents to believe that my perfect driving record means nothing. My children and I are trapped here in this oppressive house.

I hope nobody takes offense to the analogy I use for my children, but I think of my son like a small fire that's growing and needs to be put out before it spreads, and I think of my daughter like an accelerant being poured on the fire while I'm actively trying to put out the fire. The fire is me trying to work on his behavior before he's older and more set in his ways, and the accelerant is my daughter antagonizing him and hindering his progress... likely because she perceives that special attention he receives as an injustice to her. She is jealous. She misses her dad. She misses her dad and I living together with her. Her life has changed a lot, and that's a lot for a little girl to cope with. However, it's also a lot for me to cope with, so I have a very hard time coping with other people passing judgement on me for my inability to drop everything and get certain things done. I am paying rent, but it's hard to get the dishes done at a moments notice, or hard to sweep up the crumbs my son drops on the floor when he eats at the table and makes a mess, then has a meltdown and wants to start injuring-himself. He does not want to wear his helmet, he doesn't like the sensation of it on his head, and it makes him even more upset. I typically hold him and do joint compression, or "squeezy hugs", or roll a yoga ball on him to give him a more appropriate form of stimuli than self injury. He also seeks vestibular input, so spinning him, swinging him, or saying "ready-set-go!" and tossing him gently onto a crash pad really helps minimize his less desirable sensory seeking habits.

My problem is... in a nutshell... life is hard, but I made my bed and now I have to sleep in it. I'm a good mother, and I'm coping with my children's needs to the best of my abilities. I couldn't put them in pre-k because of their father's threats, and they are too young for kindergarten. My divorce is only just now about to be final, and I will be able to get them into special needs daycare quite soon. Once that happens, I can begin working again, and we won't be such a thorn in my parents' sides. I just think it's sad, and it gets me very overwhelmed, when I go to seat my son at the kitchen table to eat breakfast at 08:00, and my father becomes furious that my son's excessive screaming, or my daughters "deliberate button pushing", is such an issue for my father that he yells at me and criticizes my ability to be a parent in the presence of my children, before storming off to his room to go back to bed. I find it very sad that my parents, the grandparents who can't cope with my children, would judge me for how I am coping.

Also, my mom seems to be incredibly vicarious about my entire situation. She doesn't really love my father, and has told him he would be better off dead for his insurance money, so she can pay off her car and a big chunk of what they owe on the house. He has prostate cancer, not severe now, and slow growing. He will probably outlive the cancer at the slow rate it's growing, with treatment. He didn't start being so unbearably surly and judgemental until he became more dependent on clonopin. She regrets separating from him about 10 years ago, then returning to him, so it seems that any time I am experiencing happiness, she comes up with a lengthy list of bullet points stating every reason why I should never do a single thing to be happy myself. It's sad. I do deserve to be happy, and I can cope with my children's needs while also working on being happy myself. I'm a very capable person, and it really brings me down when people try to make me feel like I'm not. It actually diminishes my ability to cope with what's currently on my plate. Every day, I'm fine, until someone sticks their nose in my business and makes me feel unwelcome and unloved.

Every time I have a good day where I am coping well with my children and working with them nicely, someone has to pass judgement or scrutinize something I should have "stopped putting out the fire" to do immediately, like cleaning up after my son while he's still eating. My father has a lot of neurotic/compulsive ritual behaviors, and he can't tolerate me waiting for my son to finish eating before I clean up after him. I simply do not have time to lord over my son while he eats, cleaning up each crum as it falls. That's expecting way too much of me.

It makes me angry that people who can't cope with what I cope with would judge me so harshly and try to make me feel inadequate. I'm doing my best. I intend to place my children into daycare and begin working so I can get a place of our own as quickly as possible, but it's as if my parents can no longer tolerate the presence of my "challenging" children, and that's very sad to me. I'm sad for my children as much as I am for myself. Life is hard for us here, and I just want to move out.

Last (sorry this got so long, I'm way too relaxed... like I stated before, I only take my clonopin as needed) I tried to move out of my parents' home when I was 18 years old. I was making $1,700.00 a month, I was single, had no children, and I was looking for a studio apartment that would cost about $450.00 each month. I was making my own car payment, and my job was stable. I had that job from the time I was 18 until I stopped working to help my husband with raising the twins. 6 years. I could have lived in a studio apartment, but my mother walked in while I was browsing available units and laughed at me, telling me that I was an idiot to think I'd ever make it in life without her support. She said that I had no idea what actually goes into living independently, and that I should just keep living with them because I was welcome there, and she didn't want to have to "rescue me", which she said was inevitable because I am "clueless".

I feel that she's a bit narcissistic, and possibly has some issues with being a "combative mother". She inflates her own self worth by stomping mine down, and has - on several occasions - told me that I would never make it in life without her, or that I am nothing without her. That's very self important behavior, and I see that now, but when I was younger I really took a lot of what she said to heart and it discouraged me from reaching for independence, getting a taste for it, and working my butt off to keep myself independent.

So sorry for the rant. I'm just overwhelmed and fed up with people behaving like toxic oppressors to my children and I. It's hard enough coping with the challenges in my life without the additional judgement/scrutiny I face whenever my children and I leave the room we're cooped up in as we don't feel welcome in the presence of my own parents, who don't wish to spend any personal time with the twins. Again, I understand that I chose to believe that I wasn't able to be independent, and I chose to stay in a bad marriage, and that led me to where I am now. I just wish that my parents understood... I'm trying my best, and they shouldn't be acting overwhelmed when I'm the one providing all the oversight and care for my own children -- as I should -- and they don't spend time with them at all. They just avoid us and treat us like a nuisance. Life is crummy, but I do have a lot to be grateful for, and a lot to look forward to. It's just hard to deal with the toxic people at the moment.

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest! Whew! I'm a bit embarrassed by that. Oh well!

[MistressStayc]

I really don't have much advice for you except to hang in there until you can escape the oppressive nature of your parents. You are doing an AMAZING job that others might completely fall apart doing. You are obviously a very strong, dedicated and loving mother and your children are lucky to have you. I know what you are going though with you children because my son had autism and I am an autism teacher as well. It really sounds like you are meeting their needs as best you can. Are they in OT, Speech or behavior therapies as well? Have you looked into respite care to give yourself a break? I am pretty sure you will qualify to have experienced respite care come in if your son is receiving SSDI. I think a break and some alone time to recharge is what you need to keep on keeping (to borrow a phrase from the poem Four Skinny Trees). Sorry, I teach Language Arts, lol. That poem reminds me alot of you and your situation.

edit - feel free to pm me anytime for support.

[leejosepho]

I totally understand the nearly-overwhelming aspects of your situation, I commend your commitment to your children and their futures and I do not see how anyone in your situation with its present circumstances could possibly be doing any better. Hopefully your attorney will be able to keep all things in mind while presenting some best-possibles before the judge for closure, and may you be granted everything needed to continue being a great mother for your two challengingly-challenged children.

[BriarWolf86]

Originally Posted by MistressStayc

I really don't have much advice for you except to hang in there until you can escape the oppressive nature of your parents. You are doing an AMAZING job that others might completely fall apart doing. You are obviously a very strong, dedicated and loving mother and your children are lucky to have you. I know what you are going though with you children because my son had autism and I am an autism teacher as well. It really sounds like you are meeting their needs as best you can. Are they in OT, Speech or behavior therapies as well? Have you looked into respite care to give yourself a break? I am pretty sure you will qualify to have experienced respite care come in if your son is receiving SSDI. I think a break and some alone time to recharge is what you need to keep on keeping (to borrow a phrase from the poem Four Skinny Trees). Sorry, I teach Language Arts, lol. That poem reminds me alot of you and your situation.

edit - feel free to pm me anytime for support.

Thanks so much for your reply! I really appreciate the encouragement! My son is in OT, but he was disqualified from ST because his Medicaid changed once he started receiving SSDI funds. I've had to use his SSDI funds for safety improvements in the home, including patching several extremely large holes - by myself - that he knocked in the walls with his head. I wanted to patch them when they were just small holes, but my mom is kind of a dope (sorry to be so blunt about her intellect regarding drywall patching) and she said that they would require a professional to fix. I patched them all for about $175. There were a total of 14 holes because she refused to let me fix them myself. It simply was not safe for my son, and I convinced my father to take me to the hardware store to buy the supplies. I need to repaint the walls, as I believe he will be far too attracted to the spots that are white from the spackling compound, and he will pick at them, just like he did with the dents, which became holes, which became bigger holes. He's extremely quiet. When he wakes up, he doesn't always knock politely on his door to let me know it's time to get him. Sometimes he would just silently pick at the drywall and draw on the other walls with it like chalk. It's hard to wake up after just 3 hours of sleep, if he had a rough night and didn't want to go to sleep at a normal time.

His circadian rhythm seems to be a bit wonky with all the changes going on, and his father suddenly reappearing to spend time with him. I'm not complaining at all. It's a great thing, and every child should have access to both parents if possible. I had it written into the agreement that my husband would be required to get anger management and behavioral therapy twice a month in order to maintain his guaranteed visitation. The scheduled visits are absolutely standard... they will be with their father every other weekend from Friday evening until Sunday evening.

I need to get my son on ABD medicaid - which may take longer than I'd like - so he can get back into speech therapy, but I have had some success with him at home having him sit on my lap and put his hand on my mouth, and the other hand on my throat while I say the word I'm asking him to say. Example: MUH-MUH-MUH-MORE, then I show him the ASL sign for more. He's been making more combinations of sounds, but his words are still limited. Simple words that will help him to communicate and be a bit less frustrated. He's kind of stuck on using "hand over hand" to show me things... like, he would rather grab my hands, and make me sign "more" than to use his own hands to sign "more", or "use his words". I try to be very consistent with my methods, using the same technique his therapist uses. I tell him "use your walking feet, no running here", and "hold hands for safety". Things like that. He's doing quite well, but he would certainly benefit from a social setting with other children like him, receiving daily therapy, and seeing other children have their turn.

I intend to get him into school as soon as possible, but he will likely have a better chance of getting into daycare sooner than he is approved for ABD Medicaid. I will still get both, because I know that he only has about 3 years time to make any "major progress", and after that he can still make some progress, but it won't be as significant as the progress he's capable of during this time for him. It's imperative to intervene now for best results.

He gets $733/month from SSI, and my parents get $400/month of that for rent. The case worker went over the household bills with me (mortgage, electric, gas, water, groceries), and determined that it was the fair amount to be paying to my parents to live here. Lately I've had to use whatever is left to buy safety improvement items, like 8mm thick shatterproof glass cover. He had a self-injury incident in September that sent him to the emergency room to get 8 stitches on the bridge of his nose.

I have some books about the verbal behavior approach, and some about ABA. I try to not be too "positive" or too "negative" when he behaves desirably/undesirably, unless praise is absolutely warranted. I try to keep my words with him more neutral, like... "I like when you listen.", and, "I don't like it when you throw your food at the table".

As far as my daughter is concerned, I will need to have her get therapists for all of the conditions she received strong indicators of in her evaluation before I proceed with anything new, like school. I think she would really benefit from some personal time with me and/or her father while her brother is in school for a while, and it would help with all of the appointments she will need. The psychologist explained that I should basically imagine a visual of her assessment results like a venn diagram... with a circle for each condition she seems to have strong markers for. ADD/ADHD, ODD, ASD, PTSD... and that I should have her in treatment for all of those conditions to identify how to proceed with her individualized education plan, and which conditions are really the "culprit" here. That will likely take up a lot of time on a lot of weekdays, so it will help to have her brother in school so I can tackle the therapy for her before placing her in school.

It's been hard to work with her on things a normal 5 year old girl should be doing, because work materials go straight into her brother's mouth, and he's very destructive. She gets jealous of the special attention he receives, as his condition is more "profound" than hers. She probably feels that the end of my marriage and "normal life as she knew it" was an injustice against her, and being asked to "help me by helping her brother to stay on task, and not distract him", is also an injustice. She's just a child, wanting to be a normal child, and she likely feels personally wronged. When I put myself in her shoes, life for her kind of is a bit unfair, and I can't expect her to cope with that like I would. Some personal time, and therapy to identify the root of her bullying and button pushing, should really benefit her before starting school. She may even be able to attend normal school, once things "settle" down here. She loves other children, she loves to learn, she is identifying letters out of order spelling words, identifying shapes - including complex shapes and 3d shapes - and using scissors. She's beginning to read. Her vocabulary is impressive for a girl her age, and she knows lots of synonyms... which I thought was kind of uncommon for most children her age. Everyone always told me not to use too many words that mean the same thing, and I disagreed, saying that she's smarter than they know and will learn whatever is spoken. Kind of how children learn to be multi-lingual. I don't feel that her developmental delays are very pronounced, and that she could still make up for "lost time" with the proper motivators in place... which may just be getting to socialize with other children on a regular basis. She's a smart cookie. Her biggest issue is being deliberately disobedient - which seems limited to here at home - and pretending she didn't hear what someone said to get on their nerves by making them repeat the same thing several times. She has some trouble gripping a writing utensil correctly, but I know of ways to work on that, once her brother isn't her to grab up her supplies and destroy them before I have a chance to stop him.

We have some after school programs in our area for K-12 people on the spectrum, and their family members are welcome to participate as well. I think both of the children would really enjoy participating in something like that. My girl is an absolute angel with other children on the spectrum, but she seems to really resent her brother, which seems pretty natural given our current life circumstances. I can't blame her for feeling like she's missing out on something... because she really is missing out on a lot of things that other children get to do. Sometimes I feel guilty about it, but I know I didn't cause life to be this way. I tried to make my marriage work, and I had a vehicle of my own until my husband totaled it last year. I'm not trying to place all the blame here on others. Much of the problem is that I hesitated to move forward in fear that my husband would take the children, but in reality, I've come to find out that he simply can't cope with them without my assistance, and he makes excuses to return them to me early. I didn't know it would be that way, so I'm not going to beat myself up over "keeping the ball in my court". It's not really paranoia when the concerns are warranted. I was just being careful, because they're so important to me.

Also, I have a new man in my life who loves my children, challenges and all. He's really good with my daughter, and getting her to listen and attend to tasks without being defyant. He's a combat veteran who overcame PTSD himself, and works in vocational rehab services for the VA helping other veterans who have turned to substance abuse to cope with PTSD. I hope my relationship with him works out, because he's a great asset to her.

Sorry to digress again. It just felt great - very uplifting - to be assured that I'm not a horrible failure of a mother that should be doing everything perfectly because "Some people have four children of their own, and babysit four others, and I'm lucky to have just two!". My mom says that often. I remind her that none of her children, and none of the children she watched during the day, had any significant developmental delays that may lead them to wander off, or drown in a creek or pool because they're fascinated by the sensation of the water. My son would absolutely do that. Sometimes I feel like my parents expect me to wear my son in a papoose and chew his food for him, and spit it into his mouth like a baby bird. I can't lord over him all day, or he's never going to reach for independence. Ha!

Thank you again for your support! I truly appreciate it!

[BriarWolf86]

Originally Posted by leejosepho

I totally understand the nearly-overwhelming aspects of your situation, I commend your commitment to your children and their futures and I do not see how anyone in your situation with its present circumstances could possibly be doing any better. Hopefully your attorney will be able to keep all things in mind while presenting some best-possibles before the judge for closure, and may you be granted everything needed to continue being a great mother for your two challengingly-challenged children.

Thank you so much! I already signed a fair agreement, a standard one, with my husband. If needed, I will return to court and try to obtain sole custody, but that's only if their father shows any more signs of instability as he has in the past. He's current in therapy, and the agreement he signed requires him to get it twice a month. As long as he keeps his end of the agreement, I will just allow him to pay normal support based on his worker's comp and have them visit every other weekend. He loves them very much, I just need to be sure that he's actually GOOD for them, since love alone just isn't enough for children with developmental delays. He needs to learn to be soft but firm, stick to the same plan, and put their needs first at all times. If he can't do that, I will definitely take legal action to get supervised visits, if it's absolutely necessary. Time will tell!

I'm not really sure what my parents' deal is. I think my mom is just upset that I was able to move on with life, with my challenges, and find someone who genuinely cares about my children and me, and wants us to be a part of his daily life. She's always had a problem being jealous, and vicarious... she used to vent my siblings and I about personal marriage problems she was having with our father, when we were 8-12 years old. Totally out of line. I'm not sure why she feels the need to kick me when I'm down to make her own ego feel bigger. Seems like she's a bully to me. I told her that the other day and she grabbed me, shook me, and drew back her hand and nearly punched me. It was messed up. She was mad that I called her out for acting crazy about me speaking up for myself in defense of my actions. She pulled my trigger, I'm not sure what she expected. I'm not unkind, but like all people, I have a limit to how much I can take. When criticism isn't warranted, I no longer bite my tongue. That makes her upset, because everyone else walks on eggshells around her just to "keep the peace". She needs to know that I am not her doormat, and that I'm not afraid to set boundaries and stick up for myself. I just hope it doesn't get me kicked out. I think she wants that $400/month, though.

A part of me has wondered if she's pushing my buttons to get me to a point where she can convince my dad to back her up on kicking me out, so that I have no choice but to give the kids to their dad... essentially giving up primary physical custody due to becoming homeless. I can see her thinking to herself, "That'll teach you to show me I'm wrong. Now you've lost everything. Nobody messes with me.". I really do see her as a joy spoiling toxic human who loves to take pleasure in the misfortune and turbulence in the lives of others. It's kind of sick.

Sorry to rant. I didn't sleep last night and I'm so ready for a nap that isn't ever going to happen!

There are people in our lives (mine anyway!) who will push and push until you decide that you've had enough.
Perhaps your parents will cease to be so horrible to you when you make the statement that you have had enough and won't tolerate this any longer.
If doing so changes nothing, then at least you gave it a go. She has no right to touch you in any way.

I would say you're probably at the lowest point in your life right now. Honestly I am not divorced and can only speak from an outsiders viewpoint, but that's what I see.

I really hope that you get to see that the father of your children should at least be responsible for his share of the cost or raising them....get that legality dealt with ASAP...

Rant away here. Nobody minds.
If you prefer, put a disclaimer that it's just a rant and we won't bother you with any suggestions.

P.S. Please take care not to let people diagnose you (your children's therapist) unless you seek it out yourself.